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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Off he went!

308 replies

Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 12:21

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u
You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 26/09/2020 09:49

Hi all

I won't be leaving straight away physically and financially I cant. But this has been a massive wake up call so I will be putting in place measures to get me more financially stable so when I'm physically better and mentally stronger I will be leaving.

I have had messages of how much of a good time he's been having and there has been no thanks to my sister. It's almost like he is expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces for him. I have spoke to him again about work next week and he now 'will try' to get something sorted. When I pushed for a plan b I got told to F off. I cannot believe how selfish he's been.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/09/2020 09:50

@Mittens030869

That's lovely to read. I'm so glad it worked out for you both.

Your poor DM 😞

Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how wonderful I am but I'm glad I left (even tho I still struggle with a kind of Catholic guilt over my marriage ending!) and I'm also glad I've made raising the kids my priority. I don't mean that sanctimoniously or that someone forming a new relationship is wrong, absolutely not.

But their father is involved only in a very limited way. He does see them but is emotionally disconnected & lets them down all the time. My eldest has v little to do with him.

I feel lonely a lot, but I can't see me having a relationship, unless after that are all reared!

EarringsandLipstick · 26/09/2020 09:52

@Electrixdreamz88

I won't be leaving straight away physically and financially I cant. But this has been a massive wake up call so I will be putting in place measures to get me more financially stable so when I'm physically better and mentally stronger I will be leaving

I think that's v sensible. I also think many people get that light bulb moment about an abusive spouse, where they know there's no way back. I did.

Best of luck OP. I hope your foot heals well xx

BloggersBlog · 26/09/2020 11:55

It's almost like he is expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces for him

Because they are. Your DSis and her partner have picked up the pieces, the childminder picking them up from you is picking up the pieces, any of your friends who help next week are too. And mainly you. You are fart arsing around sorting things out with a broken foot.

You sound like you have a plan, am so glad to hear. You wont be worse off than you are now that is for sure.

Mittens030869 · 26/09/2020 12:03

Because they are. Your DSis and her partner have picked up the pieces, the childminder picking them up from you is picking up the pieces, any of your friends who help next week are too. And mainly you. You are fart arsing around sorting things out with a broken foot.

^This. If I was in the sister's shoes, I would feel really hacked off with him.

I'm really pleased to read your update, OP. Thanks

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2020 12:32

Sorry but he asked. You said no. So he's gone.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2020 12:33

Oh crap, this is bigger than just the stag do. So sorry op. I really didn't see the 12 pages.

Somethingkindaoooo · 26/09/2020 12:37

@Inaseagull

He shouldn't have asked, he should have just come home. Putting the onus on you to make the 'decision' is just shit. You are not his mum and he didn't need your 'permission' to make a considered decision on how best to support his family rather than prioritising his fun.
Precisely.

But you should have said yes.
He's worried about himself, you're worried about him... you practically can't look after children with a broke foot

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 26/09/2020 12:47

Maybe once he's home and your sis and her Dh get you home Her Dh needs to let him have it with both barrels and a few home truths about his behaviour. Sometimes it's more od an impressionable and guilt inducing wake up call, when it comes from another guy who took up the slack and did what he should have been doing.

Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 26/09/2020 12:59

I have spoken to my sister and she is supportive of me. I have been very unhappy for a very long time now since the last baby was born I thought I might have a touch of the baby blues. But I know now it's because I am just wrecked from doing all the thinking for this family. I am done with him. He's proved he doesn't care about me but now I will make my plans for me and my kids and not consider him and only when I KNOW us four will be ok I'll let him in on my plans fuck him!

OP posts:
IHateCoronavirus · 26/09/2020 13:28

Good for you op! Wine you are showing your children that you and they are worth more than this! I wish you the best of luck and that useless man child the exact opposite

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 26/09/2020 13:50

Good for you OP, get yourself sorted and do whats right for you and the kids.

Alwaysinpain · 26/09/2020 13:58

@BrumBoo

I'm more impressed that your A and E has seen, diagnosed and sent you home in such a few hours! Who looked after the kids whilst you were being checked over? I'm surprised he didn't have to come back once it became a hospital matter.
I also broke my ankle recently and was seen, X-Rayed and released with crutches within an hour!
LizB62A · 26/09/2020 14:11

YABU to say No then complain about it.
Say what you mean.

Nahiristone · 26/09/2020 14:16

Sorry, am I missing something here? He asked if you wanted him to come back and you said no... and somehow that means he’s in the wrong?

EarringsandLipstick · 26/09/2020 14:30

@Nahiristone

Sorry, am I missing something here? He asked if you wanted him to come back and you said no... and somehow that means he’s in the wrong?
Yes. Yes you are.

The whole thread.

Maybe read it before posting?

IamEarthymama · 26/09/2020 14:45

Oh love, I am sorry!
I was in a marriage like that and it nearly broke me.
My father was an alcoholic and my mother a martyr and I think I thought it was how things should be.

My wife was shocked by my walking on eggshells behaviour and luckily I am able to express myself properly now. We love each other and take care of one another.

You will be so much freer when it is you and the children. Your sister and her husband are good people. Oh I remember the feeling of shame when I had to roll out the excuses....

Hope you are ok and not in too much pain ThanksThanksThanksCakeCakeCake

OhCobblers · 26/09/2020 15:17

@Feelingconfused2020

OhCobblers

Thank you for asking. It's really hard to explain and it boils down to the fact that I've just given up. I would love to be madly in love with the father of my children and deliriously happy, for me at least the reality is that I am married to a man who loves his children and means no harm to me. He might even quite like me some of the time. ..it might have to do. I can't bear the idea of losing half my children's Christmasses and weekends.

If I felt any of us was.in.danger I promise I would walk away.

My advice OP is to set your life up so that you are completely separate to your partner and not financially dependant. If you want to walk away then it's easier.

Thank you for your posts. I'm so sad for you. I completely understand what you're saying about everyone's life changing so much and children being heartbroken.

I mentioned leaving and have done on previous different threads, because the one thing I've got from MN over the years is how so many women (and yes it really is mostly women) who become so run down by "it all" and who don't want to hurt their children (though in truth it's the behaviour of their DP/DH that's causing it) by leaving who end up settling for so little for themselves.

So little happiness in their life with their partner (I'm taking the DC out of the equation for the moment), so little joy, being treated like a housekeeper rather than a loved partner/wife. I'd be so angry with my husband if he had done what yours had - I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him.

I know you're angry too- I feel very frustrated for you and the OP in her situation. I hope you can both be happy x

Rocinante39 · 26/09/2020 16:16

She literally told him she didn't need him to come back not that she did not want him back.

There is a world of difference between the two.

Of course her DP should have left the stag do. He was a CF to ask the question.

GabsAlot · 27/09/2020 15:06

did he come back yet op

Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 28/09/2020 00:18

Yes he came collected us from my sisters around tea time no word of a lie he did a couple of things with the kids then started giving off his the rest of the boys we're posting in the group chat pics if their takeaways and how he hadn't ate yet. But I have been able to walk around on the cast on my heel without the crutches so I got the kids fed and bathed and do bed and feel ok so more confident these next few weeks won't be too bad just the no driving.

He isn't speaking to me at the minute as I tried my hardest to ruin his weekend

OP posts:
EFLabroad · 28/09/2020 02:59

Thanks for updating. I'd enjoy the peace and quiet of him not talking to you. Unfortunately, once you have seen a person as they truly are, you cannot unsee them. Now you have seen the real him, it will be hard to forget and move on.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/09/2020 03:18

I hope you get better and your pain goes away. Until you can get out don't do his laundry, cooking, any errands for him etc. He doesn't care about you so why should you bother about him?

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2020 04:57

OP, I have been following your updates. What a selfish bastard!

Looking at the positive:
The house being in his name works in your favour-you could walk out tomorrow (theoretically) and not be stuck with that tie. Do you work?
Can you still with family for a while if you leave him? You would be eligible for UC.
Start planning to get the hell out of there.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2020 04:58

*stay with family