Off he went!

[Electrixdreamz88]

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u
You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

@Feelingconfused2020

I have just found this thread and can't believe 60% think yabu. I started a similar thread the other day about my dh who didn't come home from a "lads" ( they are in their 40s) weekend when our DD was taken to hospital.

I've struggled all week with my anger... He doesn't know. He's shown me that his priority is his social life and enjoyment. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a trip away if DH had broken his ankle and was stuck at home struggling with our small children. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a weekend away if my toddler got taken to hospital. These men don't seem to have this problem.

It's selfishness and it's hard to accept the man you chose to marry is selfish but I think I have finally accepted it. I won't ever look at him the same and I don't think I'll ever feel the same. I'm so hurt by this (and it's not isolated as I'm guessing yours isn't)

Why are you struggling to tell him? Are you not thinking about ending it?

I read your post and was completely disgusted with your husband and felt very sorry for what you'd been through with your toddler.

It's not him leaving to have fun or returning because he 'has to', if someone I loved had an accident and I knew they'd struggle with their dc, I'd come home or simply not go, because I 'wanted to' and I cared enough to not to want to see them struggle.

He doesn't sound very nice OP. He should have stayed as soon as it was clear you'd seriously hurt yourself.

So he doesn't love you so you'll be dumping him, yes?

After reading your updates I completely withdraw my initial opinion.

He is a sack of shit and you should bin his nasty arse.

He is a worthless prick who thinks like a single man with no responsibility. If he loved you he would WANT to be with you, especially knowing you have a 7 year old and 2 year old. His attitude is disgraceful. You know where you AND your children stand with him. Question is, will you take him back and allow him to look at you as if you, his partner and mother of his children are a mere 'inconvenience' stopping him from having his fun? Seriously, this would be a dealbreaker to you. He is a rude, thoughtless, selfish pig of a 'man' who does not love you and has no compassion for you. You and your children deserve better. MUCH better! Tell him not to bother coming home, and that you've had the locks changed. Get some help to box his stuff up, if his sister is more worried about him than you (seems selfishness and lack of responsibility runs in his family), dump the boxes at her house. Don't take him back. Seriously, take this advice because taking him back will show him he can treat you like garbage, like an annoying fly, and get away with it. If he text me those things, I'd be texting back 'don't bother coming back at all then you selfish prick, I'll leave your things at your sisters'. Like fuck would he be coming back home after those texts.

I just don't want him to enjoy himself and that it was my own fault I fell and why should he have to pay for my stupidity. I knew

I know MN is very prone to leaping to LTB but honestly, if that is the reaction you get from him often enough that it is no surprise to you ... then what you have is not a marriage.

I'm so sorry @Electrixdreamz88 What are your options?

Normally I’m in the camp of “you should have said/asked” but you’ve broke your foot! It’s beyond obvious that he should be at home and only a selfish nob would ask. It’s a question designed to only make you feel bad and allow him to either wallow or do what the fuck he wants with a “pass”.

I couldn’t live with a partner like that.

I don't know what to do the house is in his name and it's a very expensive rental. We aren't married btw. I feel like I'm a bit screwed. He has basically told me he won't be taking time off work next week as he won't be allowed so I'm going to have to figure out how I'm getting the kids to the childminder I think she may come and get them and drop them back hopefully. If I went back to a and e do you think they would give me a boot? Instead of the cast?

He's an arse and he doesn't love you. He doesn't even care about you one little bit. Don't linger in the past, figure out how you want the future to look. Staying with him will chip away at your self esteem bit by bit. You will always know you have a DP that doesn't care about you. You could leave him, you deal with the kids by yourself anyway, and he's proven you can't even count on him in an emergency. At least if you leave, he'll have to take them off your hands a few days a year. But it's a tough thing to do and only you what the right thing is. MN will be there for you when you need it, the relationships board has been very helpful for me in the past.

This is really sad, I would personally never want to see him again. So selfish, and not in tune with his responsibilities. So sorry you’re going through this.

Op what do you want to do? Do you have anyone else to stay with? Nothing is impossible if you decide you want better for you and the DC.

Message a few friends or a fb post op ‘desperately need a favour, I broke my foot badly on Friday and I can’t get the children to the childminder. If anyone could do a pick up /drop off this next two weeks would be a huge help, John (ex ‘d’h) won’t help. Welcome to use my car so seats aren’t a problem, please let me know.

These men don’t want others to know how selfish and what a crappy dad they are.

OhCobblers

Thank you for asking. It's really hard to explain and it boils down to the fact that I've just given up. I would love to be madly in love with the father of my children and deliriously happy, for me at least the reality is that I am married to a man who loves his children and means no harm to me. He might even quite like me some of the time. ..it might have to do. I can't bear the idea of losing half my children's Christmasses and weekends.

If I felt any of us was.in.danger I promise I would walk away.

My advice OP is to set your life up so that you are completely separate to your partner and not financially dependant. If you want to walk away then it's easier.

One thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is that women with decent husband's can't (understandably) understand why we would stay with men who don't treat us well.

No man starts off treating us badly, it happens over time with disaffection and boredom. Most of us remember a time of romance and love. When a woman simply says something like LTB they usually don't properly acknowledge what they are suggesting. I've been with my DH 16 years, LTB means changing almost everything about my life permanently., Breaking my kids hearts and hurting the rest of my family while potentially impacting my friendships (because we have lots of mutual friendships) the benefits are distressed children and less money!!! So unless I am abused I hope you can see why I choose.to stay!!

@Feelingconfused2020

That's a sad, but true, post & I hear you.

I do despair a bit with this LTB as an immediate response.

I don't disagree that this is not a kind, loving husband - but it's not easy to just decide to end a relationship. It is a process.

I mean, I can't see OP having his bags packed and on the doorstep when he comes up, in one fell swoop, along with her broken foot & small children to deal with.

I also don't think the poster who suggested the FB post asking for help, and calling out the crap DH gets it.

Not in a million years would I have let on how badly my husband treated me. I acted to my best ability. (When I finally separated, one or two mums, who I mortifyingly didn't even know well, mentioned having seen me upset or crying, at times I didn't realise I was seen, and that they'd wondered if I was ok. 7 years on I still tie myself in knots not to look for favours as much as I can, because people with a partner & other family support just don't get what it's like.

@Electrixdreamz88

How are you doing?

In terms of next steps, my advice is just deal with what's ahead of you, for now.

Work out how you'll manage practically with your foot. Talk to your sister, and think about confiding fully in her.

When your foot is better, think about some next steps. I know the house is an issue, for example.

But allow yourself to explore the possibility of leaving this relationship.

Let your H (partner) know how you are feeling. At the moment you're afraid to, as you worry about the consequences. Well, he's not treating you well now, so taking a further step to not care about his reactions will give you back some power.

Hope you're doing ok x

A friend of mine was in a similar relationship. Her husband was never physically abusive, but he was a dick and it wore her down. Her mental heath was terrible and she really was in a bad place. I was so happy to learn that she finally left him and moved back near her parents with their children.

I think people really do underestimate the mental toil that being in an abusive relationship takes on you. I know this OP is unlikely to leave her husband anytime soon, but I hope one day she will find the strength to do so.

I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend

What is so terrible about a man being in a grump? You can allow a man to huff and do exactly fuck all to improve his mood. Your role in life is not to stop others ever feeling bad.

That you consider this to be a valid reason is worrisome. You'll have a miserable life if other people's moods control your choices.

What is so terrible about a man being in a grump?

Tork not a lot, if the man is not abusive & it's not an emotionally destructive relationship.

If you haven't been in that awful, stomach-churning position where he controls the emotional temperature of the relationship, you don't know how he'll react & blame your for everyday matters & you are ground down from the endless undermining & gaslighting, then you've no clue.

I was in a similar relationship and he is still very selfish. When I needed surgery (I have two long term health conditions). He would go on holiday as I’d be at home to look after the kids. I’d like to say he improved since he moved out but he’s still selfish.
Maybe sit down and run some figures through a benefit calculator. I started paying debts off a year before he left. I also stockpiled food, bought clothes in advance (think next size up for the kids) and birthday and Christmas presents.

@EarringsandLipstick I know exactly what you mean. I grew up with an F exactly like that. It wasn't even something I recognised as not normal (though this was because he was doing other things that were far worse). My DM didn't get that it wasn't how things should be either.

It was no wonder that my DSis married her ex, who was abusive, and spent that marriage walking on eggshells.

@Mittens030869

That's so sad, particularly that your DSis replicated the situation.

I worried a lot about the effect on my children. Would they follow this path in adulthood (either mine or their father's?)

I've had a lot of counselling and feel confident now that I've done the best that I can to make clear about good relationships & respectful treatment & my kids have good role models in my wider family which helps. I mean, I still don't know what the future holds, as they're still young, but I desperately hope for them to have respectful relationships, being kind to themselves & their partners & acting with integrity.

I do thank God daily that I left when they were young - 2, 4, 6. It would have been so much worse if they were older.

@EarringsandLipstick

Thank you for that. My DSis and I have since had a lot of therapy and we're now both married to lovely DHs and our DCs are being brought up by loving fathers. So there was a happy ending, though some of the effects of our childhood are still with us.

My DDs (11 and 8) are adopted so it's doubly important for us to model healthy relationships for them.

It sounds like you're a wonderful mum, so your DC will be fine.

My DM was abused by her uncle in her childhood after her parents died when she was 10 so I do have empathy for her as well. There was obviously no therapy back in those days.