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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called a guy out on a lie. Friends said I humiliated him. Did I?

302 replies

Chairlove · 24/09/2020 11:19

Met a guy OLD. On his profile Said he was 42, owned a cat and had a post grad degree. I am 39 and my profile is accurate and recent pictures. His pictures looked staged, but cute. Talked via text for a few weeks and seemed good banter.

We met last night. He looked older than his pictures and seemed to act older. Within 10 mins we were talking about my 40th and I wasn’t able to do what I planned. He then said he was 50! I questioned him on the age of his profile and he said it said he was 50. I disagreed and got his profile out to show him.

He didn’t look embarrassed and said it was a mistake. He then talked about a cat visiting him, I questioned it says he owned the cat. He said he didn’t and didn’t put that in his profile. Again got my phone out and showed him. I also questioned his pictures as now thinking on a different date.

He then says at least you know now for our second date. Getting annoyed I then got his profile out again and started to ask questions. No degree, not height he said etc. It was lies.

I finished my wine (I paid first round) and said sorry don’t want to see you again. He asks why, reply you lied! He said was a mistake. Still he lied, as the app asks you to confirm your age once you input it.

I left. Phoned my friend and they said I shouldn’t of got the app out to show him. Just leave. Said I humiliated him. I personally think he deserved it. Granted he was the third bad date in a row.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Stripesgalore · 24/09/2020 11:49

Saying you are single if you are divorced isn’t a lie.

If someone said they were divorced on a dating profile I would consider that odd.

Beamur · 24/09/2020 11:50

@DeliciouslyFemale

Talk about the difference between female and male socialisation! He tells lies after lies online, then the arrogant prick expects you to ignore that and go on a second date?! But somehow your female friends think it’s more important not to hurt his poor wee man feelings. FFS! Well done OP. This is also a great example of the importance of meeting in a safe place, as it gave you the confidence and safety to be able to point out his lies and leave. I think your fucking awesome!
This! 100%
NiceGerbil · 24/09/2020 11:51

You are single if you're divorced (and not dating anyone else!).

FOJN · 24/09/2020 11:51

Good for you OP.
It is not a woman's job to exercise diplomacy in order to prevent a man's feelings being hurt. He arrogantly thought he could lie about several things on his profile and you would be so impressed with his charming personality that it wouldn't matter if/when you found out. He does not get to decide what information you need to make a decision about whether to date him or not.
Having said all that I think lots of people on OLD play a numbers game so I doubt he will change his approach but at least it won't be you he's decieving.

MrMeeseekscando · 24/09/2020 11:54

He deserved it.
I got so sick of turning up to dates and "Oh! I input my date of birth incorrectly!"
Ok. So why didn't you let me know in the 2 weeks leading up to this date you lying old man?

AuntyPasta · 24/09/2020 11:54

I wouldn’t have confronted a stranger like that. You’d already written him off and some men react badly to being challenged.

LadySeaThing · 24/09/2020 11:54

I'd have done this too OP - like Thumb Witch I just really, really hate being lied to - niot just lied to but then the denial that they lied! Aaaarrgghhh! This was behind 90% of my rows with my ex, that he would just lie, then pretend he hadn't when I pointed it out Angry. In that situation you're going to pull the evidence out aren't you!? It's either that or agree to accept a load of bullshit and brush it under the carpet, which IMO is pretty humiliating for you and outrageous for him to expect you to do.

The more women who don't accept this kind of shit, the more men who do it will just die out. And no I don't think everyone lies about their age. If I was OLD I'd say my real age, unattractive as it may sound, and I'd want to know the man's real age too. Because otherwise you're just attracting people who want a false version of you, and then you have to maintain your fake self or else reveal the lie.

Ginkypig · 24/09/2020 11:56

You had it right there in writing and he knew that and still tried to make you out to be a liar or having misunderstood.

If having been caught in the first lie he had just gone ok you got me most of that I've Made up for effect you might have let it go and it would have become a funny story from the start of your relationship one day! but instead he thought right il only grudgingly admit to the specific point you have pulled me up on and I'm stupid enough to think even though you were observant enough notice my conversation did not match once that you won't notice again so il stick to my lies and you won't hope to get away with it but if you do il outright deny it or make out you are lying until you physically prove to me you're not then il glaze over it. Twat!

AdoreTheBeach · 24/09/2020 11:56

Well, he may think twice now about lying.

Dyrne · 24/09/2020 11:58

The cat thing is fair enough - I know loads of people who talk about “their” cat but actually it’s just a super friendly neighbour cat who wanders into their house for a cuddle every now and then.

YANBU to end the date, but some posters are being a bit OTT tearing him apart and making him out to be the next wife murderer. He did some standard white lies about age, height etc presumably because he’s struggled to get dates previously. It’s a bit weird he kept on insisting things weren’t on his profile though when you’d already shown you were willing to bring up the profile there and then to check - I wonder if someone else set it up for him?

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/09/2020 11:58

Umm I am mixed about this.
On the one hand he did lie and then acted like he didnt. On the other hand, I think a lot of ppl do massage the figures in their favour.
If I said I was curvy on an OLD and than someone called me out for being fat, would this be fair, would I be a creep who should be more truthful?
Would any woman like to be interrogate about their age and (would those agreeing with the OP's action) think any man who did was within his rights to do so and humiliate her.

Clymene · 24/09/2020 11:58

Not calling it out when men lie to us is why so many men think women don't know when they're lying.

Being kind and avoiding hurting men's feelings is an aspect of female socialisation that we really all need to work hard at overturning.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/09/2020 11:58

I think it's a sign of the times tbh. People have always lied but in the past they either tried to hide their lies or they used plausible deniability. With the advent of total bullshitters like Trump and Johnson some people no longer feel that lying is wrong, just an alternative truth that suits them better, so they not even embarrassed or wrong-footed when it's discovered.

LouLou789 · 24/09/2020 11:59

You did the right thing. Bet he makes his profile more accurate from now on! I did some OLD a few years ago and got tired of the out of date photos and lies. Good for you. Hope you meet someone decent next time, OP.

SnuggyBuggy · 24/09/2020 11:59

Good for you. He sounds delusional, I get people rounding up their heights but why tell lies that are so obviously lies?

Weave · 24/09/2020 11:59

He lied about having a degree, his height, his age, having a cat.

Why is the onus on you not to embarrass him by mentioning any of the information he has provided about himself?!

Fuck sake.

You could obviously see it wasn't going anywhere, and I would be curious too at that point what he actually had told the truth about. Apparently nothing! Cheeky twat.

Prig · 24/09/2020 12:01

I had this once. He'd lied about his job, age, how he looked (used an old pic too). I mentioned his age discrepancy as he had said he was in his early 40's, with dark hair. No word of a lie he was clearly atleast 55 - 60 and had white hair with not a speckle of dark hair in sight (profile pic from early 90's I guess). It was the bold faced lying which got to me. And his response? He told me off for believing what's written on dating sites and for even going on a "blind date" - joking that it was an irresponsible thing to do to start with. I was about 25 and kept calm until the meal was over and I had left, but nowadays i'd walk straight out.

And I don't get this thing nowadays for not calling people out on bad or vicious behaviour, just because no one wants to be "that crazy one". Women have had the mental stability card pulled on them for centuries for speaking their mind and not just trying to understand the perspective of the other person, as if we should try and learn from them and protect their warped thinking.

Mulhollandmagoo · 24/09/2020 12:02

Cheering you on OP!!!!!!! absolutely the right thing to do

Afibtomyboy · 24/09/2020 12:03

He’s odd
But you are a bit too

Out comes the phone, back goes the phone, out comes the phone, back goes the phone, out comes the phone, back goes the phone... Grin

HappyDays10101 · 24/09/2020 12:03

Good Lord. Doesn't everyone lie about their age online or they wouldn't get a date

No. I am 49. I don’t lie about my age and don’t have a problem getting dates online.

Pelleas · 24/09/2020 12:05

You did the right thing.

He sounds like a time waster.

Might forgive 41 calling themselves 40 but not 50 calling themselves 40!

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/09/2020 12:06

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
You know that's not actually a lie, don't you?
YOu're still single, just not "never married".
I don't see the problem.

If it has that option than you have lied.
Being single and being divorced are two thing different things. Pretty sure those saying it isn't wouldn't be as liberal if they were going out with someone who had this view.

unmarkedbythat · 24/09/2020 12:07

@SoulofanAggron

Sounds like overkill and that you were getting a kick out of repeatedly challenging him. Couldn't you have just done it once and gone?

@unmarkedbythat No, because he lied more than once. OP didn't know about the other lies until they came up in further conversation.

I suppose twice would be reasonable then, but this:

Getting annoyed I then got his profile out again and started to ask questions. No degree, not height he said etc. It was lies.

just seems OTT and weird. Two lies uncovered, clearly an issue for OP (and totally reasonably!)- why do this? Why make such a point of it?

Ah well.

BumblePan · 24/09/2020 12:07

Good on you!

HappyDays10101 · 24/09/2020 12:07

If I said I was curvy on an OLD and than someone called me out for being fat, would this be fair, would I be a creep who should be more truthful

I think you’d be OK in this instance as ‘curvy’ is an acknowledged euphemism for ‘fat’. Nobody who isn’t fat would describe themselves as curvy in their online profile. Whereas with the guy the OP met, ‘owns a cat’ is not an accepted way of saying ‘does not own a cat’.