Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

320 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 24/09/2020 10:55

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

OP posts:
Jenstar123 · 29/09/2020 22:12

@lyralalala It was in reply to someone stating that they'd obviously be far more upset than the older child.

Not at all did I say that DSD would be far less upset, and neither did the OP. I said I sympathise and understand that yes of course 5 and 2 year old DC with autism will be upset not seeing their Dad every other Xmas, so I understand why OP feels upset for them. It is also a sad situation for DSD of course, however she isn’t the one on MN asking for help and support because this is apparently a forum for adults.

Everythingstaken · 29/09/2020 22:26

I think this year has been pretty tough on most people. I completely understand why you feel low and are desperate to make your children happy, it’s because you are a loving mum. Your situation sounds awful, so frustrating and demoralising. Your husband’s ex is making everyone’s life miserable, I’m sorry you are in this situation, my heart goes out to you. I think if I were in your shoes I would try to find a way to try to offset your husband’s absence - could you visit your parents? Anything to try to detract and maybe not be at home where your husband’s absence will be more evident. I appreciate the Covid rules might prove this to be problematic. Please be kind to yourself, most people would struggle in your situation, me included.

Figgyboa · 30/09/2020 05:54

YABU. SD has as much right to spend xmas with her dad as your kids do.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/09/2020 07:08

How old is your dsd @Cloudsandrainbows?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 07:10

Enjoying
Op already said, she’s 12.

User43210 · 30/09/2020 08:09

OP, I think YANBU. But your DH needs to buck up and sort it with his ex. DSD should get to see her dad but it should realistically be in his family home with all of you. A big family Christmas.

It's really not fair on your children to be expected to understand this. As much as my father worked away, he was always there on Christmas. And it does mean a lot to all the children, I can't understand how people think it's ok for a husband with an established family unit to have to stay with his parents over the holidays to pacify an ex.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/09/2020 08:13

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon, I missed that.

@Cloudsandrainbows it is a really situation for you, your dc and your dh. I’m guessing he’s trying to do right by everyone.

It’s not fair and it’s not right but it sounds like you have this Christmas and perhaps one more like this then your dsd will be able to have a bigger say in when and where she sees her dad, who knows, this might be the last one like this.

Can you have another Christmas Day with your dc and dh after or before the actual day? I know it’s not the same, but just trying to think of ways to manage this year, because it’s very unlikely that you’ll get what you'd like, so better to come up with a plan now that you can be happy with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 08:14

No worries. 😊

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/09/2020 08:14

Shit situation that should have said

NailsNeedDoing · 30/09/2020 08:19

Not sure why my point isn't understood about SD having separate parents. I myself had separated parents growing up and had 2 Christmas days, and I can honestly say I was never upset to not see my dad Christmas day as knew no different, however with previous Christmas experiences I predict my eldest to be hugely upset again, is that my fault?

So if it’s ok for you to have had two Christmas days, and it’s ok for your DSD to have two Christmases, why isn’t it ok for your children?

You are focusing only on the upset that it causes your children, but they get to live with their Dad every day so they are starting off from the most fortunate position of all the children involved. Considering that you dc get to live with both of their parents, it really isn’t too much to expect that the other child gets one special day of the year with both her parents around. Your DSDs upset matters as much if not more than that of your own dcs, and as your dcs got their Dad on Christmas Day last year, this year is her turn.

In the same way that you’re blaming dsds mum for her being upset, you need to share some of the blame for your children being upset. It was inevitable that issues like this were going to happen somewhere when you decided to have children with a man that already has a child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 08:35

they get to live with their Dad everyday so they are starting off from the most fortunate position of all the children involved... Your DSDs upset matters as much if not more than that of your two dcs, and as your dcs got their Dad on Christmas Day last year, this year is her turn.

Exactly. It does upset me when people treat their children as more important than other children just because they are their blood. I have tricky parents like this that dd is friends with - one of them is an ex friend due to the mother being a total bitch and poisoning her dd against mine. Unfortunately the only people ultimately, who end up getting hurt are the children and that includes those, who are being favoured as well as those, who are not. And this comment is very poignant on thinking about the dsds mum.

In the same way that you’re blaming dsds mum for her being upset, you need to share the blame for your children getting upset. It was inevitable that issues like this were going to happen somewhere when you decided to have children with a man that already had kids.

Yes, and op must have known her dsds mum was tricky. Well said.

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 08:36

OP Nobody has been stepmother hating towards you.

My children are NT and would have been upset at age 5 if their Dad had to leave on Xmas Day. Admittedly not for hours as they are NT so used to Dad travelling overnight with work but it suddenly changes the rhythm of the day. If this was the case in my family I'd change Xmas so that the day wasn't interrupted.

The problem is your h has let this situation drag on for years. If he'd established strong boundaries straight after splitting, you'd probably have alternate family Xmases as your house. He has prioritized his ex's feelings over yours. That's your real problem. You love him so blaming the ex is much easier. She sounds extremely unreasonable but he's allowed her to act this way for all these years. Court Orders do work but you might have to go to court more than once to get them enforced and for unreasonable exes to learn that they can't do whatever they think they can.

His head in sand approach reduces the grief that he gets from ex but his approach ignores what you need from him too so is unreasonable.

If your h can't /won't establish boundaries then your choices are limited.

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 08:57

I think the bit where you might be unreasonable is where you say that the ex is unreasonable towards everyone who opposes her but you seem to blame all of dsd actions on a 9yo child rather than accepting that she was also a victim of her mum and may have acted horribly because of it. It's not like a 9yo can do very much about being manipulated by a person who they are programmed to love and want approval from Hmm

Rae36 · 30/09/2020 09:15

I have been you. It's horrible.

With hindsight dh should have stood up to his ex long before he did, instead he spent his time going along with her demands and trying not to rock the boat. Years down the line he has 2 older kids in their early 20s and his relationship with them is very poor. They have virtually no relationship with me, not much with their half siblings. They are effectively cut off from a huge part of their dad's life. They never just come round and hang out with us, never just phone up for a chat, don't really involve their dad in any of their thoughts about uni or jobs or anything.

One of my biggest regrets in life is that we let it drag on so long. Dh should have been in court at the very beginning, fighting for his kids' right to be a full part of his family. It would have been hideous at first but in the long term it would have been miles better than where he and his older kids are now.

Please reconsider fighting for your dsd's right to be a part of your family. I know it will be awful for a while but it will be worth it. Your immediate family will not survive another however many years of this until she is an adult.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2020 09:28

Your DSDs upset matters as much if not more than that of your two dc's

I'm sorry, but why on Earth is this the case? And why are there people non ironically agreeing with you that they hate when people put their children's feelings above those of others? 🤨

NailsNeedDoing · 30/09/2020 16:14

@aSofaNearYou because the dsd only gets to live with one of her parents whereas OPs children get to live with both, making them far more fortunate. And OPs children got to be with their dad last Christmas, dsd didn’t. So obviously, she should be the priority this year.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2020 21:53

@NailsDontNeedDoing That's not the same thing as her upset mattering more. That's just biased nonsense.

The fact that he saw his younger children last year is a valid enough reason for him to see his older child this year, but her feelings absolutely do not matter more than her younger siblings.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2020 21:54

Honestly don't know what I did to your username there 🤷‍♀️

Cantbreathe2020 · 01/10/2020 11:04

@Cloudsandrainbows "My children don't come from a broken home" How fucking DARE you?? As a single parent due to bereavement, I am extremely hurt by that callous and sadistic comment.

Before I even saw that piece of vitriol, I had already come to the conclusion that, from what you yourself have said, you clearly have done everything you can to essentially get rid of your partner's "other kid" as you so lovingly call "it" and seem to have invented the blame being all on his ex. It's not her, it's clearly you!

Your boyfriend has a child with another woman. You knew this when you got together with him! No matter what you do, you can NEVER change this fact! She will always be his first born. Either accept her as your responsibility also, and mind your own business when it comes to when he sees his child! Hmm

OhCaptain · 01/10/2020 11:25

[quote Cantbreathe2020]**@Cloudsandrainbows* "My children don't come from a broken home"* How fucking DARE you?? As a single parent due to bereavement, I am extremely hurt by that callous and sadistic comment.

Before I even saw that piece of vitriol, I had already come to the conclusion that, from what you yourself have said, you clearly have done everything you can to essentially get rid of your partner's "other kid" as you so lovingly call "it" and seem to have invented the blame being all on his ex. It's not her, it's clearly you!

Your boyfriend has a child with another woman. You knew this when you got together with him! No matter what you do, you can NEVER change this fact! She will always be his first born. Either accept her as your responsibility also, and mind your own business when it comes to when he sees his child! Hmm[/quote]
I’m sorry for your loss but sadistic? Really?

Your passive aggressive strike through of first born is no better than what OP has been posting, tbh.

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 11:48

[quote Cantbreathe2020]**@Cloudsandrainbows* "My children don't come from a broken home"* How fucking DARE you?? As a single parent due to bereavement, I am extremely hurt by that callous and sadistic comment.

Before I even saw that piece of vitriol, I had already come to the conclusion that, from what you yourself have said, you clearly have done everything you can to essentially get rid of your partner's "other kid" as you so lovingly call "it" and seem to have invented the blame being all on his ex. It's not her, it's clearly you!

Your boyfriend has a child with another woman. You knew this when you got together with him! No matter what you do, you can NEVER change this fact! She will always be his first born. Either accept her as your responsibility also, and mind your own business when it comes to when he sees his child! Hmm[/quote]
Your use of ‘first born’ is on the same level as the OP ‘callous and sadistic’ comment about a child coming from a broken home.

You are just as callous and sadistic as the OP. 🤷🏼‍♀️

caringcarer · 01/10/2020 11:59

I can see this is upsetting to you but do Xmas day on 22d this year with you, DH and your kids. Go to your Mum's on Xmas day and tell your kids it is Xmas with Grandma. Let your DH have Xmas with his firstborn this year but get contact sorted property for next year. Your DH is showing committment to his firstborn and sees your children together everyday. In future you should try again to build relationships with his firstborn. It would save more problems ahead.

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 16:31

What's with all the weird use of 'first born'. She's his DD.

LolaSmiles · 01/10/2020 17:40

GoldieBearRight
Haven't used it myself, but I think it's to make it clear that he had an existing child before the OP appeared on the scene and therefore whilst it might be convenient for the OP to push his first child out because she's the cause of some of the issues/his DD is from a broken home so won't be upset at Christmas (aka should get used to her dad prioritising his new family) etc, the fact remains that the OP chose to have children with someone who already had a child and that child matters. They're not some little inconvenience.

It's really telling how when it comes to her own children the OP is full of drama about how devestating it will be for the DC not to see their daddy on such a special day, but when it comes to a 12 year old child who has only known her parents separated it's 'well we have no relationship, it's partly her fault because aged 9 she should know how to deal with adult relationships and emotions, why should she ever come first when she's from a broken home'

It's such a horrible attitude.

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 17:55

Oh I agree with you @LolaSmiles, I don't think the OP is being reasonable in this particular situation.

It just seems really weird and sort of... off(?) to me when I see people referring to her as his 'first born'. She's just his daughter. I can't pinpoint why exactly... There's been a few people do it on this thread from both sides of the argument, I don't know, just sounds wrong to me.