To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

[Cloudsandrainbows]

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

@Jenstar123

I honestly don’t think OP was meaning to sound offensive against DSD with those comments I think she was just being matter of fact about it. It is a fact that DSD’s parents broke up when she was several months old so she never had both parents together (that is all she has known and use to spending Christmas’s with just Mum) where as DC it is the opposite - their parents have always been together so spending every other Xmas without their Dad whilst also being at those young ages must be upsetting.

Given that they are younger it's probably far more upsetting for the DSD, who was used to seeing her Dad for half of every Christmas day, to go to only seeing him alternate years.

The OP's children are only 5 and nearly 2, and this has been the way it's been dealth with by them for several years, they are more than young enough to have this deal with factually, or simply by moving Christmas Day.

He’s playing fair by doing every other Xmas. You say your DCs will cry on Xmas day because they can’t see your DH. His dc from previous relationship probably feels sad for the 26 plus days every month that she/he doesn’t see their father. Don’t be selfish and entitled.

I am sorry that you are feeling low and unsupported. This isn’t actually what is happening here even though it feels like it. You have had some very honest feedback and I’m sorry that it hurt. The self pity isn’t going to solve the situation. It is for your dh to find a backbone to fight his ex and he hasn’t. That was his choice. Your solution, rather than your dh standing up to her, is that your preteen dsd should suffer rather than your dcs because she’s older and used to suffering whereas your younger, autistic dcs aren’t. Then when people have called you out on this, you’ve complained. You’ve actually had a lot of genuine advice. You just didn’t like it because very few people were agreeing with you. I get it. It’s not nice to have your arse handed to you.

Just celebrate on a different day. Many kids have parents who are essential workers and not around on Christmas Day. You just find a way to make it work.

Well said, Mummyoflittledragon

The OP's children are only 5 and nearly 2, and this has been the way it's been dealth with by them for several years, they are more than young enough to have this deal with factually, or simply by moving Christmas Day.

I don't agree that the younger children won't be upset about it just because it's always been that way for them. Children whose parents have been separated since they were babies so they have known no difference, still often feel sad about it, do they not?

I don't really understand why people think that the idea that their dad has another child he loves as much as them, enough to miss Christmas with them, wouldn't potentially be upsetting to younger children in the same way that not having a traditional nuclear family is considered to be upsetting to the oldest child. This may feel like a positive thing if they had a bond with the other child but is unlikely to when they don't and their dad just goes off to see them. Children are often irrational and there's no reason a younger child wouldn't also struggle with the dynamic.

He needs to pull his finger out get a court order an get this sorted ASAP or just put his foot down an tell mother its not fair an child will b going to yours. these children are siblings they should be spending time together his other child should be staying with you all as a family unit then maybe have few hours alone time with dad. Its a very sad situation for all kids involved.

I really feel for you OP. This sounds like an awful situation.
I have to say I completely agree with you. Sounds like the SD would not be overly concerned about slightly different arrangements, whereas a 5yo would find it A LOT harder to compromise about Christmas.
You've got two options IMO....

1. Accept the unfairness of the situation, let it go (easy to say, I know). Plan something really nice for the 3 of you to do whilst your OH is away. Then go full on Christmas from Boxing Day evening onwards. Make sure everyone your children come into contact with around this time are in the know so no accidental 'what did father Christmas bring you?' beforehand.

OR

1. Decide what you need. Put your foot down and refuse to budge, let the chips fall where they may.

Considering SD is getting old enough to be more independent in the next few years, I'd go option 1 myself, as this isn't going to be for many more years.

If you could somehow find it in yourself to let this go, it would be a huge bit of stress you don't have to deal with, that may help you feel a bit more positive. It's tough times, take care of you xx

I cannot give an opinion I'm neither a stepparent or child of divorced parents, however,I think what's being missed due to the high emotions of this post is the younger children have autism and it's highly possible that a child with SN CAN and DOES cry all.day.long in some circumstances so those of you dismissing a child in distress by their father gone for a holiday or a weekend it can seriously disturb their routine/schedule. Autism and other special needs kids are aware of special days like Christmas.

I agree EKGEMS but it's all the more reason for the father to be determined to sort this situaion out. I would also guess that having autism means they could benefit even more from knowing their big sister, someone who will hopefully be able to really get to know them and understand them and be another person in their life who is close.

@aSofaNearYou

The OP's children are only 5 and nearly 2, and this has been the way it's been dealth with by them for several years, they are more than young enough to have this deal with factually, or simply by moving Christmas Day.

I don't agree that the younger children won't be upset about it just because it's always been that way for them. Children whose parents have been separated since they were babies so they have known no difference, still often feel sad about it, do they not?

I don't really understand why people think that the idea that their dad has another child he loves as much as them, enough to miss Christmas with them, wouldn't potentially be upsetting to younger children in the same way that not having a traditional nuclear family is considered to be upsetting to the oldest child. This may feel like a positive thing if they had a bond with the other child but is unlikely to when they don't and their dad just goes off to see them. Children are often irrational and there's no reason a younger child wouldn't also struggle with the dynamic.

You've taken that one part of my reply completely as a standalone.

It was in reply to someone stating that they'd obviously be far more upset than the older child.

The elder of the younger children may feel upset (2 is young enough to not even know if Christmas Day is Mondya, Tuesday or Wedneday) if they are old enough to know the day (some 5 year olds will, but some wont), but the the categorical stance of "The younger children will be much more upset than the older one" was what I was replying to.

So just to clarify, I'm a horrible and selfish person and DSD should take priority (I was looking for a solution that was fair all round, and neither child being prioritised) and I'm feeling low because I'm in the wrong and don't like being told it, and I can somehow control how my 5 year old feels about missing her dad? Believe you me I don't play up to her upset, I try my best to be positive around my kids and remind them daddy loves them even if he isn't here and try to keep them busy etc, but I still get tears, sometimes for hours, and it is upsetting for me to watch. I cannot always even contact my husband as DSD mother says it's distressing for her daughter when I call. Think it's a load of crap as DH says she would happy to see me, but if I can get hold of him always sounds like he's in the toilet, like we are some dirty secret not to be heard about.
I think from all this going round in circles I have established there is F all I can do and will just have to get on with it. I'd be foolish to think my DH can stand up to this woman now, don't you think he's tried. Or maybe all you step mum haters would suggest I go jump off a cliff and let the kids all live happily ever after with eachother all seeing their dad together and DSD mother dancing on my grave?

I think it's probably wise for you to step away from this thread OP.

Being told that adults need to step up and consider the needs and emotional well-being of ALL children, including children already in existence when choosing to have more children with a man, is not the same as saying the step daughter should be the priority.

There are many threads where stepmums get a hard time just for being a step mum. This isn't one of them.

When you're at the point of dramatics about jumping off a cliff and dancing on graves, it's probably time to accept you've not got the advice you wanted and move on

And why the hell does everyone think a court order is some magic spell?!? It means nothing! She doesn't have to inside by it, and yes she can be arrested for breaking it but the police have better things to do and won't arrest a mother with kids to look after (she has other kids, by other father's)

Your DH is a big part of the problem by the sounds of it.

There is no court order banning your DH from bringing the families together though. People like the ex need standing up to. Stressful to the SD if you call! Fucks sake. The only reason your existence is a source of stress to the SD is becuase of the ex manipulating her. Your DH needs to seriously tell her where to go with this crap. I appreciate the problems in doing so, and I think the most useful thing MN could maybe give you is advice on legal rights and enforcement to help your DH in his battle. Hopefully you can get that here, maybe on a new thread.

If you want to go back to splitting xmas day in half rather than alternating, again that is up to your DH to take up. But if it does stay as alternating, it isn't fair that your SD never sees her dad on Christmas Day.

You're being unreasonable. That is his child too. You say "his other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home". His ex could use the exact same argument. You knew the situation when you chose to have children with him just as I did when I chose to have a child with my husband, who was already a father. The best we can do is try to forge a positive relationship with the ex however hard by putting up with alot for the benefit of all of the kids. It sounds like that hasn't happened for you. If there is any way at all of exploring mediation, see if you can. Your children all deserve to know eachother and spend time with their father

Some of us who don't agree with you are also step-mothers.

Your DSD should take priority this Christmas Day because it is her turn to take priority. The other two children took priority last year, and will next year, on their turn. That is sadly what has to happen when the adults involved can't sort it to have all three children together.

Your DSD is 12. It won't be long until she can make her own mind up about Christmas.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yabu for thinking Christmas is the issue here.

The issue is that your DH is too wet to do anything about this absurd situation. On his contact days he can take his child wherever he chooses. That is his right, saving any court ordered restrictions.

He has three children yet seems content to keep his children permanently apart.

He needs to demonstrate his commitment to his current family (you, and his three biological children) by going to court to establish a backing for this.

Agree with this. It seems court may be your answer. You need to blend as a family and it may be the courts backing is required

Nobody is saying your husbands eldest child should take priority. People are saying that you all have a really odd setup that needs addressing for all three children's sake.

Given that this can't be fixed by Christmas you husband should spend Christmas with his eldest as it's her turn, your joint children were with him last year, and they will be again next year.

You husband needs to treat his children equally, seeing his eldest for Christmas this year is the only option according to your current setup.

I really do get it’s hard to read what people have written and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I agree with LolaSmiles. For your own sanity, I really think you should step away from this thread until you’re feeling more balanced. No one has come across as stepmum hating on this thread. The Only person I read as hating stepmothers is your dhs ex.

We are actually here and ready to support you. I think you are so used to not getting the support you need from your own dh that you don’t like it when strong women tell you to stand your ground, to own and take your place in the family and to accept anything else you cannot change. He sounds like a very weak man. It must be really tough for his ex to say such terrible things about you and by association your children.

As I say, we really are here for you if you need us.

I don't really understand why people think that the idea that their dad has another child he loves as much as them, enough to miss Christmas with them, wouldn't potentially be upsetting to younger children in the same way that not having a traditional nuclear family is considered to be upsetting to the oldest child

I actually don't think that at all. I can imagine it would be upsetting for the younger DCs. I'm not unsympathetic to OP or her children. I just don't know what the answer is if the adults in this scenario can't sort out this mess.

By the sounds of it, the DH and OP have just accepted that this is the way things are with DSD and her mother. So with that acceptance also comes an acceptance of these types of situations too.

Right now the only fair thing to do is to leave DH to spend Christmas with his DD as he agreed to alternate and he spent last Christmas with OP and their children. It isn't ideal, it isn't what I'd like, it isn't what's even best for any of the children involved in my opinion, but it's the situation thats been created by the adults involved and OP and her DH have accepted that so it's time to accept the consequences too unfortunately.

As PP have said, there are plenty of parents who don't get to spend Christmas day with their children for whatever reason i.e. work. It's just one of those things. My dad was a police officer, he didn't always get to be there on Christmas day. This situation is particularly unfortunate and quite sad but what option is there if the DH doesn't feel he can change anything?

We all know what should be able to happen, kids all spending Xmas together with Dad on his year etc etc but it's quite clear that that isn't possible in this scenario.

So I don't think anyone is saying it isnt sad or upsetting for the children, or anyone involved really, but honestly, what is the answer?

This is so sad! So the siblings never meet?! The 25th is just a day, you can celebrate it any time, they’re too young to have any inkling.

We are actually here and ready to support you. I think you are so used to not getting the support you need from your own dh that you don’t like it when strong women tell you to stand your ground, to own and take your place in the family and to accept anything else you cannot change. He sounds like a very weak man. It must be really tough for his ex to say such terrible things about you and by association your children.

Well said

@Cloudsandrainbows

I'm not saying SD can't see her dad!!!!!! I just think it unfair in the current situation that DH leaves for 2 days at Christmas, seeing as he's done it before and it was really upsetting for my eldest, I think there should be a compromise. Surely that is not unreasonable? Yes ideally we'd all be together including SD but that's not an option.

This needed to be addressed when the alternating the 2 days was first suggested and put in place. Ss deserves continuity too and its unfair if she thinks she's having Christmas with dad and grandparents to pull that now because your children have two parents still in a relationship! You obviously didn't mind last year when sd didn't get to see her dad did you? This is part of the situation that you too have created. Whether you wish to feel innocent or not. Why can't sd meet the half siblings at the grandparents? That would seem the best way forward in the short term. But tbh you don't want them to have a relationship. And sound jealous and as though you're seeing your oh as a lamppost that you are competing with sd to piss up it like a dog marking its territory. As you said, you could move the day for the next couple of years easily. And let's be honest by the time this and the next Christmas has passed she will be 16 and unlikely to want to continue anyway... So make the best of it for 2 Christmases out of the 4 years.