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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

320 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 24/09/2020 10:55

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

OP posts:
lockupthepig · 29/09/2020 18:08

Court does work. She will have to listen. This is so wrong on so many levels, really feel for you 😔

Tututu · 29/09/2020 18:08

At the moment all children are no worse off than any other when it comes to Christmas, they all get alternating Christmas days with Dad and on the next year, they do Christmas on another day with him instead.

You should all be able to spend it together but you can't because of the situation you are in. At the moment, what you are doing is the only fair option surely?

NandosPeriometer · 29/09/2020 18:08

If you and your husband wouldn't take her to court then Christmas is not the time to put up barriers imo. Worse case scenario his parents and your h don't see sd and everybody resents you (including sd)

Yanbu to think that your kids are as important as sd but what you said about her being used to 2 Christmases (broken families etc) is outrageously mean.

If your kids are likely to get upset with Dad leaving during the day then the kindest thing to do for them is to have Xmas on another day so it's uninterrupted. Then could you visit someone on the 25th (say your parents) who will keep up act that the main event is the 24th? If they ask when they are older just keep with the "our family celebrates on the 24th like the Queen and continental Europe line"

Do your children know about their half sister? It sounds like sd was manipulated by her mum to hate you so I can't but help feel bad that her mum did that as it's damaging her too. Sad

Phoenix21 · 29/09/2020 18:10

Isn’t every other year the compromise?

Can you not go to in laws for at least part of Xmas day and be civil to each other but ensure you are never in a room alone? Surely SD has changed in the past 3 years and whatever happened has changed?

How does your DH feel about the situation? He must feel like a part time dad to all the kids. Does he want you to build a relationship with SD? It’s been 3 years, she must have matured since then?

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:12

@LolaSmiles so you would say SD comes first? She should have Xmas with daddy and our joint children should not see him? So it's unreasonable for him to see them all on Christmas day but separately?
I did not force a relationship upon a child who did not want to see me, is that also wrong?
She does now say she would like to see me and has done for some time but the mother will still not allow

OP posts:
Tututu · 29/09/2020 18:16

so you would say SD comes first? She should have Xmas with daddy and our joint children should not see him?

No... She is treated fairly.... By having one Christmas with him and one without... The exact same as your children.

And I'm sorry but whilst your DSD has separated parents and that may be different in some ways to having together parents, your children also weren't born into a straightforward nuclear family either. They are part of a blended family which you chose to bring them into. Sometimes that means having to share the parent who has children from a previous relationship.

lyralalala · 29/09/2020 18:16

She does now say she would like to see me and has done for some time but the mother will still not allow

Honestly she spends most of the time with her grandparents, not her mum

Yet your DH still won't go to court and put in the effort for his DD?

Who apparently is being incredibly damaged by her mother?

Why won't he fight for her?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 29/09/2020 18:17

How old is your dsd?

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:17

@NandosPeriometer why is it mean for me to say she is used to having 2 Christmases? Its just factual information. Like I said she can see her dad on Christmas day for a time but why can't we see him too? That's how it was up until 4 years ago, so given the shitty situation can't see why it's unreasonable to go back to Xmas day in half to benefit our joint children but still give SD time with dad?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 29/09/2020 18:18

The bottom line is either your husband gets this sorted once and for all legally through the courts or you accept that this is how every other Christmas is going to be for you

Tututu · 29/09/2020 18:19

why is it mean for me to say she is used to having 2 Christmases? Its just factual information

And your children will get used to it too if this is their situation, just like DSD has had to.

You aren't seeming to understand that this situation is the only fair way right now (out of a shit situation I grant you, I don't envy it at all). But you aren't compromising if you're expecting your children to get every Christmas with your DH and your DSD to get none?

NandosPeriometer · 29/09/2020 18:19

so you would say SD comes first? She should have Xmas with daddy and our joint children should not see him?

What's less traumatic for your children having Daddy for half of Xmas Day or having Xmas on another day so Daddy can stay the whole day?

Ch0colatecake · 29/09/2020 18:20

Cloudsandrainbows Not sure why everyone seems to be having a go at you. Think your husband needs to grow a backbone and stand up to the ex. I would feel exactly the same if every Christmas he left his family and DC who he lives with to go and spend time with his first born. Has he thought about how this will affect your DC when they are old enough to understand what he’s doing? or is he just bothered about his first born?

lyralalala · 29/09/2020 18:20

@Cloudsandrainbows Did you insist that your DH should give his DD some time last year when it was your children's turn or were you happy with that?

You really need to focus more on setting up things so that your children have a fun Christmas on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day rather than pouring all your energy into taking your DH away from your DSD for the day.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:22

@lyralalala he has fought for her, but as soon he starts pushing she either withdraws contact and or starts poisoning SD against him also. I have heard with my own ears, her telling SD that her dad doesn't love her! If he went to court it takes time, and all that time he would then be refused contact, and he isn't prepared to do it, as the whole time the poor child will be being poisoned by her mum to hate him also. In not pushing I think he is trying to protect her from more mental harm. He really is stuck in the middle and I appreciate that, but I feel he is too scared to stand up to her but doesn't mind upsetting me or our children 😥

OP posts:
Phoenix21 · 29/09/2020 18:23

@Ch0colatecake I agree, but the OP has also said she won’t see SD even if mum allows it, so it seems like no one wants to resolve this relationship?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 29/09/2020 18:23

If you and he split up, would you be happy for your children never to see him Christmas Day?

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:23

Just for clarity, he would have SD Xmas Eve until boxing day late morning, so our Xmas Eve would have to be boxing day night

OP posts:
Tututu · 29/09/2020 18:24

Did you insist that your DH should give his DD some time last year when it was your children's turn or were you happy with that?

Something tells me OP would be happy with that because DSD has her own mum and should be used to having a broken home.

Jenstar123 · 29/09/2020 18:24

Sorry your going through such a tough time OP it sounds very stressful and 3 years is a long time for this to be carrying on. I know your main concern is this Xmas but even if your DH did say he will spend THIS Xmas at home it doesn’t solve the bigger problem and will cause more resentment from his ex and other DC. I think your DH needs to stand up to his nightmare of an ex or if court is the only option it is worth doing.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:24

Also last year he had her all of boxing day until the following lunchtime

OP posts:
Tututu · 29/09/2020 18:24

Would be happy for him to spend all day with their 2 children I mean.

tara66 · 29/09/2020 18:26

My solution would be that your DH has 2 Xmases - one on Xmas day and the other on Xmas Eve (as long as he doesn't put on too much weight). You have Xmas Eve this year and Xmas day next year. No reason why that shouldn't suit everyone.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/09/2020 18:27

@Ch0colatecake I am not saying I never want to see her, I said of her mother allowed it would take time. A relationship cannot be repaired over night. I would be very uncomfortable, I imagine she would be too

OP posts:
2bazookas · 29/09/2020 18:27

Lots of parents who work shifts covering a 24/7 public service, sometimes have to work on Christmas day . When ours were as young as yours and DH had to work on the 25th, we just moved Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to different days, they were too small to even notice let alone care.

        A scandinavian family I know  do all their Christmas traditions on  December 24th.   Maybe in  the future, you'll have to make your own family  traditions to allow for two  celebration days.
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