Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

138 replies

FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 18:37

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

OP posts:
PatsyPet · 23/09/2020 18:40

I could have written this. It’s not easy is it. I think Fortnite makes them angry. I’m desperate to do a digital detox here.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 23/09/2020 18:46

That sounds awful op! No advice but Gin
Do you think his dad has been whispering in his ear ?

reefedsail · 23/09/2020 18:47

Does he have enough a) exercise b) responsibility and independence c) challenge?

What is he part of out of school?

Is it worth looking at each element of Martin Seligman's PERMAH framework and seeing if there is anything missing in his life?

StephenKong · 23/09/2020 18:49

I think Fortnite makes them angry
This. Whatever they've programmed into this game should be outlawed. Thank God mine have moved onto FIFA never thought I'd say that Hmm

StillGardening · 23/09/2020 18:51

Def Fortnite. Any more than an hour and my 11yo is vile.

MitziK · 23/09/2020 18:51

Chuck the Switch in the bin.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 23/09/2020 18:52

I'd remove the Switch and lock it somewhere he can't get to it until behaviour improves

I've been close to it myself (also a lone parent), but you can't say that he should go and live with his Dad.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 23/09/2020 18:53

His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

Well there we go... does he still see his dad?

SantaClaritaDiet · 23/09/2020 18:55

If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me.
good grief he is lucky to have you. I would have made the switch disappear and it would not reappear after a good month of excellent behaviour, if that.

He is behaving like a little brat, you do not have to put up with it. I am not saying you should kick him out, but a 10 year old ought to do as he is told. Everything you tried is clearly not working, so time to step up and refuse to accept this behaviour.

You can be extremely firm and strict, and still tell him you love him.
His home should be a safe place, and he might be struggling at school

TOFO1965 · 23/09/2020 19:00

I have no advice, but I send 💚💚💚. This sounds bloody tough.

missyB1 · 23/09/2020 19:01

Get rid of fortnite for a start. And can you access any counselling for him through school or any charities? (wont bother suggesting NHS!!). He's obviously very angry / insecure about something but it might take a professional to unravel it.
I suspect Dad's behaviour has a lot to do with this too. Does your ds enjoy contact with dad or not?

Original poster
FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 19:04

He always had lots of extra curricular activities, tennis, football, rugby... Then 2020 happened. Even when football went back, he didn't want to go anymore, said he wanted to be home more.

I think it's a good idea to just take the switch away for an extended period. I've always been conscious of screen time, but right now he's on there, has been for an hour and a half and at least he's quiet. I feel like I've checked out. And I don't enjoy his company. I don't feel I have escape, comfort or safety in our home.

Yes he's sees his Dad EOW. From what I can tell he has a lot of screen time there, they do go out on their bikes sometimes but it's usually not much.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 23/09/2020 19:05

Fortnite lasted less than a day in my house! They begged for weeks and weeks to have it over lockdown and I gave in. Oh dear lord, I’ve never claimed to have the most polite angels for children, but it was like some foul switch was flipped. I downloaded it for them after lunch and got it off of there while they were having their tea!!

RandomUser3049 · 23/09/2020 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 23/09/2020 19:11

Cold turkey with the tech.
And mean it.
Possibility to earn and hour or 2 behaviour depending...
He is 10. Take back control now. I have 8 ds's.... Plenty of experience with this issue op.. Not a perfect dm by any means. But he needs rules. And indeed ruling... He is a dc... Not even a teen. Yanbu to get tough tonight. Even if you do have to wrestle it off him..

Sunnydaysstillhere · 23/09/2020 19:12

*earned to play at the week ends.. School work and down time during the week...

spacepoppers · 23/09/2020 19:13

Yes yes yes to all those blaming the evil that is Fortnite. Nothing riled up my eldest like that absolute bollocks of a 'game'. It should be outlawed.

TempestHayes · 23/09/2020 19:15

Cut the games, for sure - I'm a gamer myself but at the first sign of this level of aggression in children, it's got to go - but I'd consider some sort of joint therapy. He sounds very, very angry. If his father and the divorce is a sore point, it could be coming out in this way.

10 is so little. Try and find where all this rage and spite has come from. Speak to teachers, too, maybe he's hanging around with violent kids and he's becoming that way.

averythinline · 23/09/2020 19:16

Take the switch away - i had to do this with my DC at this age about that game the first time...

Honestly the pain is worth it at first..... the longer its away the better my dc behaved.... i think we ended up with 1/2 a term away in teh end as i tried a week then gave it back.... back to square1

i tried earning time - always rows..

so i just put it away - told him to forget it existed as i wasnt sure if it would ever come back....

brought it back on a very restricted basis months later as his behaviour had improved so much so maybe a maturity thing...

even he had to agree that he was always arguing with his friends and its not ice to argue with your friends so its easier to remove the source of arguments - worked in 12yr old logic

if it started again - it got switched off..

seriously nip it in the bud - he is growing into a teenager you need to be able to manage his behaviour and having a disney f'ing dad is going to make it harder ....be able to make boundaries and keep them..
its exhausting at times but dc now nearly 16 and finally getting it ...

I woudlnt let him have the switch/gaming in his room /upstairs either he needs to know you are listening to how he is talking to other people... but in the short term just get rid of it....

maybe he woudl go back to football if switch not an option- a friend who is a senior teacher advised me to try and keep dc busy as young teens

stovetopespresso · 23/09/2020 19:17

oh no op you poor thing. my ds 10yo has definitely pushed my buttons at times, I remember crying to my mum about it during lockdown. I seem to remember when they turned sour (I have 4) that even though its that LAST thing you feel like, putting in more time and effort worked. bed time stories, so long as he chooses the book, fun outings to the cinema/Netflix with popcorn, a treat trip to a cafe just because, getting that dog/pet/fish, redoing their bedroom together, taking him out with their friends so you get to be 'cool mum" and his mates big you up. sorry if most of these ideas sound expensive and tiring or impossible but having a great time together eases the way to a new cycle and at least makes you feel you're trying. also talk to his teacher?

ANoTail · 23/09/2020 19:22

I've not got much advice OP, but you seem to have the patience of a saint.
Out of interest, all those saying Fortnite, why does that have such an affect above other games? Don't know much about gaming, I'm afraid.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 23/09/2020 19:22

no words of advice, only sympathy. It must be hard listening to him.

00100001 · 23/09/2020 19:32

When he’s in bed tonight, hide the switch in the car or get your parents/friends to collect it tonight.

Tell him it’s how it’s going to be, no switch until half term at the earliest, and explain why.

Stick to your guns, he’ll scream and fight and argue and strop.

But if it’s somewhere else, you can’t just give in easily, nor can he find it.

Short term pain, long term gain

HaggieMaggie · 23/09/2020 19:33

Wow interesting, my DC were never gamers but their cousins are, one of whom shows the same traits as your DS.

To his parents rude, verbally abusive, angry, lazy, nasty.

To me Auntie Hag, polite, funny, gregarious, witty.

Thank goodness mine didn’t game. Mind you they had enough of their own imperfections lol 😂

00100001 · 23/09/2020 19:35

@ANoTail

I've not got much advice OP, but you seem to have the patience of a saint. Out of interest, all those saying Fortnite, why does that have such an affect above other games? Don't know much about gaming, I'm afraid.
Because you get killed in it. It’s a battle royale, last man standing wins.

It’s supposed to be 12and up, but it should be 15 or 18 really. The ops son is too young for it.