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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

138 replies

FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 18:37

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

OP posts:
ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 23/09/2020 19:37

Sorry to be a broken record, but I'm another who would be looking at cutting screen time right back, maybe completely for a while, and especially Fortnite. It's deliberately designed to be addictive. A 10yo brain just isn't mature enough to cope.

Browneyesbigbum · 23/09/2020 19:37

Umm dad's influence.

Agree with the Fortnight makes children angry - don't let him play it.

Don't argue back at him he wants confrontation with you. Instead, I am sorry you feel I am awful/useless/ insert word here. He isn't saying you are awful though - he is naming a need - you have to work out that need. He is saying his life is awful (maybe because mum and dad live apart and clearly mum is belittled by dad), perhaps he doesn't have everything he wants when he wants, maybe he feels useless and is projecting onto you. Just some thoughts.

What would happen if the switch thing and fortnight were not there. Could you do things together to reconnect? Clear boundaries installed. Tell him you are the parent and you have messed up by allowing so much game time your fault that it has meant rudeness etc, sorry about that it will get better we won't have the switch out since we need to work on that. Sounds barking mad but it can and does work

positivelynegative · 23/09/2020 19:37

Take control and then ride out the storm.

Good luck OP

Heffersclub · 23/09/2020 19:39

It would be a cold day in hell before my child wrestled anything off me.
Take the Switch off him, and ban Fortnite. He’s got behavioural issues that need addressing ASAP. Fortnite is not helping with his aggression.

Heffersclub · 23/09/2020 19:40

Friend had major issue with her 10 year olds behaviour - sounds similar. They took away all electronics for 4 months and his behaviour totally turned around. He had some time back but Fortnite is banned forever

stovetopespresso · 23/09/2020 19:43

yes you need to remove the game but you could do it by distraction so its not too massive a deal

TheMandalorian · 23/09/2020 19:48

Yep my ds can get very angry, rude and entitled if I've let them have to much tablet or switch time. I told them one day the screens were broken and it was in the shop being fixed. It took 3 days for them to turn back into lovely boys again. Those tablets were broken for a whole term until we went on holiday and used them for a car journey. I implemented a jar with marbles for being polite, helpful, tidying, eating all their dinner, whatever behavior you want to work on. They get a marble. 6 marbles equals 30mins screen time. 2 marbles to choose a film. Etc. They can save up for more time.
Any swearing, biting, wrestling, etc is straight to the naughty step with no discussion or whatever consequence is suitable for a 10yo. I suggest reading some parenting books such as 'raising boys' or 'how to talk so kids will listen'.
Ditch the screens though. Maybe go straight to the park after school for a few days to break the habit.

hiredandsqueak · 23/09/2020 19:49

Yes remove the switch, give consequences for his rudeness, let him see that life is far more pleasant for him when he behaves well and speaks to you nicely. Be prepared for him to get worse before he gets better as he will rail against the boundaries for as long as it takes for him to realise you aren't budging.

MsKeats · 23/09/2020 19:51

Take the technology and lock it in the boot of the car -do not give in. Do not give it back. Mine spent 3 months earning it back -then they forgot about it and it lived in the boot of the car. Offer walk, DVD, board game or audio book but not a digital game

Original poster
FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 19:51

Agree, Fortnite is part of the issue. I will reduce the time, and start with two nights a week game free. One of the reasons I allow it is because his friends are on there, and he talks to them after school, and I think he's a lonely child. None of his friends are around, his school friends are a car journey away. There are only 7 boys in his class. I have text one of the mums tonight and said DS would like to come out on their bikes.

His Dad and I have been separated for years, this is not new. And it was only through my visits to a lawyer that regular contact was established. I think DS is angry, but I think the anger towards me is misplaced, that he feels insecure, and although I fu*k up and ssay things I don't mean, I always talk it through with him apologise, I am a constant.

But this behaviour is soul destroying.

OP posts:
persistentwoman · 23/09/2020 19:51

Poor you OP. Lots of good ideas on here about limiting / getting rid of screens but also - plan positive things with him.
Take him out - walk, bike ride, lunch, park, a drive somewhere. What would he like to do?
You could start by commenting that he seems miserable and what can we do to make things better? Be relentlessly optimistic - get him cooking, drawing with you. He's still very young and there's a child in there to find and love.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 19:53

A visit to the park ASC sounds like such a good idea, we've lost doing those little things... Also, the switches being broken Grin

OP posts:
DustyD2 · 23/09/2020 19:55

We had this with our child. Removed the switch and he only gets it at weekends after sport, homework is done and if behaviour has been good. It's amazing the difference it makes.

He had seemed to have forgotten how to play with his toys etc, so we had to make time to play with him lego, board games etc to remind him what to do without a screen

Original poster
FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 19:56

He's just been in to speak to me to say sorry and that he loves me, and that it breaks his heart when we fall out, without any encouragement from me. This is a roller-coaster! I know my little boy is in there somewhere.

OP posts:
DustyD2 · 23/09/2020 19:57

The screen come down behaviour is hard but you have to remember you are doing for their own good

Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2020 20:02

I know someone who had the same issues with her ten year old and fortnite, eventually she took it away from him, the first few days were hell, lots of shouting but after a while he was a totally different child, he joined cubs, started spending more time on his bike and joining in with family activities. Fortnite is the cause of so many behaviour issues in kids, take it away from him and give him other options.

ScrapThatThen · 23/09/2020 20:03

Try a contract, like
Two nights (or more no gaming - how many would he choose)
You and him play board games instead
He develops his other interests and hobbies and meets friends separate to gaming
He stays loyal to his own values
Set consequences then apologies and move on
IF he keeps to contract no whining the switch stays, otherwise it goes until he is more mature.

00100001 · 23/09/2020 20:06

The problem with cutting out two nights, is it will e easy for him to persuade you/sneak on/take the piss.

What are you going to do when he kicks off on a switch free night?

MsEllany · 23/09/2020 20:06

I would recommend reduction screen time when you’re not angry with each other. Have a ‘family meeting’ and explain that you need to work together, you’re a family and at the moment you’re upsetting each other. Put some ground rules in place - no speaking to someone like shit (although maybe nice language!) Maybe arrange some specific activities for you to do together - trampoline place? Hiking? Something active!

Scweltish · 23/09/2020 20:06

Why the hell are so many parents allowing their children on these games?? Even after the disgusting behaviour it causes, it’s still only ‘oh I’d cut him down a bit’, ‘Oh I’d just allow him to go on it if he’s good’. We seem to have developed the idea that technology is somehow essential to our kids, even though it’s fucking destroying them. Just take their consoles away!!!

GreyishDays · 23/09/2020 20:06

Have you got the app that controls switch time? You can then control it from your phone rather than wrestling.

MsEllany · 23/09/2020 20:08

Well, for a start, my kids play it but they don’t behave badly when they have Confused.

TheNewLook · 23/09/2020 20:09

We had this with our child. Removed the switch and he only gets it at weekends after sport, homework is done and if behaviour has been good. It's amazing the difference it makes

Ditto.

thedifferentlive · 23/09/2020 20:15

Make a list of the things that are unacceptable in your house and make a contract. This contract will define offences and the positive behaviour. It will list the penalties and rewards. Sign it and keep it in visible place. Once he would break the rule discipline him. He is too young to play Fortnight and if his behaviour is a cause of it use it as a penalty.

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