To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

[FirTree31]

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

It’s my Dh that needs persuading to remove fort nite for our 8 year old. After reading this thread I’m going to insist. I think Dh sees himself as a kid not being allowed to do stuff his friends are!

Trouble is I would say nearly all DS’s friends play We got it not long into lockdown so he could connect with his friends.

Behavior has been truly awful at times. Hugely regret it.
We have put bans & limits in place but coming to realise it’s not actually DS’s fault - it’s the way the game acts on his brain and it’s our fault as parents for not stopping it sooner.

The parenting videos that helped was watching no drama discipline , google it
There is both a Female and male author , i
Preferred the woman
It gave me a helpful perspective to approach and talk
Onwards

What has wonder wonders for me to deal with bad behaviour and unreasonable requests is to ask myself the questions “if his father and I were still together would I put up with this behaviour, would I say yes to this unreasonable request?

If the answer is “hell, no” I just deal with the issue as any parent would do without guilt.

He knows how proud I am of him and how much I love him but he also knows that he needs to keep within the rules and that I wouldn’t put up with any nasty behaviour, we are a team and the glue that keeps our little team together is mutual respect and consideration for each other’s needs.

Admittedly, I would do everything for him, but he doesn’t need to know because I don’t want to spoil him. Because believe me, your kid is ten now but in 3-4 years he will be taller and stronger than you and as you are the closest person to him, he will start testing you while trying to find out If you are good enough to be the one who calls the shots in the house, so as a single mum with no back up partner to keep him on check, you really need to nip those behaviours in the bud before you loose control, he gets in trouble for doing as he pleases or starts being violent towards you (kids’ tantrums turn in violent teen’s episodes if left unchecked, believe me, children to parent violence is far more common than people think).

This thread is so helpful.

We had a PC community officer in our school, telling us that fortnite shouldn't be played by kids under 18. When my son went on a sleepover where they had it, he ended getting roughed up by 2 other boys after they played it. He even said he thought it made them aggressive.

3. you need to have a sit down chat and a heart to heart. Explain you don’t always mean everything you say, you don’t like being grumpy and you want to change. Suggest a set of rules for you both (not just him) and consequences if the rules are broken. At 10 they are old enough to start taking responsibility for their own emotions. Hold each other accountable as this will help.

Errr no. This just doesn't work with Fortnite addicts. There is no reasoning, it is astonishing how drugged thy get with this game. You have to bin the switch. End of.

‘If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me.
good grief he is lucky to have you. I would have made the switch disappear and it would not reappear after a good month of excellent behaviour, if that.

He is behaving like a little brat, you do not have to put up with it. I am not saying you should kick him out, but a 10 year old ought to do as he is told. Everything you tried is clearly not working, so time to step up and refuse to accept this behaviour.

You can be extremely firm and strict, and still tell him you love him.
His home should be a safe place, and he might be struggling at school‘

This!!!!! I know it’s not easy but he has to unlearn this behaviour and see a change in you and your tolerance to it!!

Thank you so much for your responses, every single one was so helpful. Difficult to read as I know I have let him down but allowing it to get to this stage. I absolutely hate confrontation, and realise that I will absorb/go without if It means not rocking the boat, but this is failing people around me. I start to check out and see myself as separate from the pain because I avoid difficult conversations.

I have got A2 paper which I will use with him tomorrow night to come up with a contract around expectations and Behaviour for all of us. I will have to be hated for a bit longer whilst I tackle the removal of Fortnight, but I will talk to him again about football. I'm going to look at Cub groups now.

So much food for thought

This is so hard. He is behaving like a brat at times but it sounds like he knows this as he's came to apologise which is very encouraging. My son used to get on like a hallion when he played FIFA - used to punch his furniture, threw his controller against the wall etc. I removed this controllers and told him if behaves like that then he doesn't get to play it. He still gets annoyed at times but now checks himself. Do you ever play any of the games too? Maybe this is something you can do together and then you could see when or what triggers him?

There is a reason Silicon Valley execs and those who create these games as well as apps and social media platforms do not allow their own children to access them. They know they are built for addiction. The most popular private schools in the Silicon Valley area do not use devices of any description so IPads etc are all banned and it's back to basics teaching.

Reading here about the impact of Fortnight on children's behaviour is really quite frightening. It is no different to a drug. Goodness knows how gaming is altering our children's developing brains.

OP, forget reducing game time to 2 days a week. Remove it completely. Your DS is really crying out for help. He is too young to understand the impact this dreadful game is having on him and a 10 year old should not be on that platform. I don't know how these things work but are you sure he is only talking to his friends on there? You need to go cold turkey. Deal with the short term unpleasantness when the game is removed and hopefully take the first step towards getting your lovely little boy back.

My nephew was like this. My brother has full custody of him and the way he was speaking to him was bloody awful. The problem? Fortnite and his mother's attitude. My brother is stern but I could see it was breaking him. So I stepped in took his switch away, Xbox, phone and headset. He got it back when he learnt how to behave.
My brother was thankful for it. His mother would
also bad mouth my brother to him and he was saying things that would have came out of an adults mouth.
His father needs to stop bad mouthing you.

I have removed x box controllers and headphones, when he was studying for GCSEs was ridiculous how addicted he became. It went away a few times for a week at a time. When he went to uni. he did not take the x box because he had realised by then that it was addictive. When he came home in lock down did not touch it until all his degree work was handed at the end of May. The sulks, temper is something you have to endure to get them back to normal.

Take away his games and mobile while he is at school. Sit him down and tell him what behavior you expect from him. Ie no shouting and no swearing. He needs to have everything he values taken away until it is earned back. You are his parent so don't put up with this behaveour as he is only going to get bigger.

I think it's actually quite common. When my eldest was 9 she used to say I hate you with a look of real hatred in her eyes. It used to scare me.
She has more or less come through it at 14 and is now a pleasant (most of the time) and funny child.
So could be age but also agree it could be down to his dad. I'm not sure what you can do. Reassure him you love him and try to talk when you're both calm about how his behaviour makes you feel? Try and do things with him (I assume at some stage he was happy to do things with you) and see if you can have a little bit of 1:1 time with him. Not as easy as it sounds I know.
You might need to just ride it out but I'd try talking to him, you don't want his brother copying.

Fortnite is a 12 age for a reason, get rid of it and give your son some ground rules, let him kick off, as soon as he realises that’s it’s your way only he will back down.

I have a 10 year old DS whose behaviour deteriorates after too much switch /iPad. He recently had a check up at the doctor who said that he should have a maximum of 2 hours screen time a day, in total, not separate tv, switch, iPad etc.

We have a rule that there is no gaming during the school week. (Might be easier to implement than saying he's not allowed it two nights? Then you seem ultra lenient in the holidays If he's allowed it during the week!). In the holidays we bargain. They have to play outside, read, draw, play a game etc before getting it or they have to promise to do the above after an hour of screens. If they don't they lose their next batch of screen time.

There is no doubt that mine were having it far more at weekend especially if it's raining. I've also started setting the kitchen timer and keep reminding him the doctor said it isn't healthy to have too much time. The first week or so is the hardest, but you're doing the right thing.

Within 10 days, the eldest asked to delete the game - I think I said why bother because you will blame me and take it out on me so what is worse.

Is this one of your children that you're talking to?

Can I suggest OP that you book yourself some sessions with counsellor.....try to strengthen your boundaries and get some support.

I guess very few people " like" confrontation but play it forward. How will this pan out when your son is towering above you making demands and saying hateful things and pushing you about?

Hi Op,

I don't have any answers. I struggle with similar situation. The one thing I want to say, is that whatever you decide to do, this is the time. As he gets older, there is a good chance your DS will get bigger and stronger than you, and then the concept of wrestling you for his games becomes a whole other ball game.

I absoluetely hate that we collectively decided that it is Ok for young boys to throw their life away with games. My DS really is so dependent on it, there is no alternative social life in his group of friends. So it is quite diffciult to completely take away. We decide to put very strong limits. No more than an hour at night during the week, no more than two hours in weekends. I wouldn't say it solved but at least with the introduction when he was still young, made it easy to keep some control as he got older. And he still need very strong control......

Interestingly my ds who has Autism and has struggled with having outbursts himself and after years of intervention and work is now very in tune with himself refuses to play fortnight because it makes him feel angry. (( His words )) in fact he refuses all immersive now I think on it. 🤨

These games are dangerous, it's scary how an entire generation of parents are sitting back and allowing their children to be ruined by something that doesn't really exist. I really wish they'd be banned, it would take away all the issues around peer pressure etc then.

Get the nintendo app so you can set time limits on the switch and can block certain games. My 7 year old starts off with a certain amount and i only extend it if he has done his homework / reading or whatever

I can also block games, stop him adding games, remove games.

Fortnite is awful for behaviour issues. I don't know a single parent whose kid isn't full or rage after playing it. A lot have now banned it...

PS my son has ADHD so originally i thought it was that causing the rage after playing fortnite with his mates - we were making sure he was only able to play with his friends we know, and all chat from randoms was blocked etc - but nope - 100% the fault of fortnite. I know its not recommended for 7 year olds but as there was no blood or gore we thought how bad can it be - how wrong we were....

He also loves WWE wrestling - watching and the game - doesn't have anywhere near the effect.

And god bless FIFA and minecraft!!

Remove fortnite. The amount of kids that turned into feral rude nasty vicious little shits, being violent towards their family
Members, being destructive at home... take away his xbox. Tell him he lacks the emotional capabilities to deal with it. Once his behaviour improves he’ll maybe get it back. And it will be hard and tough going. But he will change. Then if you decide to give it back, it’s daily removal if he acts like a monster. His behaviour, his decision. His fault.

My 9 year old discovered the internet over lockdown and I was fairly lax due to working from home and her needing to stay in touch with peers.
She started playing Roblox but recently I have noticed a real change in her and so we have reduced it right back.
She has suddenly started reading again and drawing too. She was playing with the dog yesterday and said to me "I feel much more like myself now"
It really made me think.

You sound lovely, OP. I am sure this will get better.

I’ve found it a fascinating thread because there’s so much helpful insight which I know I will find useful when my children are at a similar age,

Hang in there.