To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

[FirTree31]

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

Just to update.... I took on board everyone's comments... That day I spent 30 minutes creating a "House Rules" poster which included a rule on switch times, 30 minutes Monday to Friday.

When 10yo saw this he ripped the poster down and screwed it up, had a huge melt down, pulled bags from the cupboard, knocked dining chairs over, pulled cereal from the cupboard, threatened to punch me in the face, told me he wished I was dead, that he was going to kill me, that I'm a bad mum.

I compromised, said I would increase this to 45 minutes.

Since then there have been daily arguments. Yesterday we took the dog out for a walk and I bought both boys a hot chocolate. Then it started again... Eldest was saying horrible things to youngest (you're a dummy, idiot...) so I picked up my phone, didn't say a word but eldest knew I was going on the app to reduce his time down... So he came over, first attempt to wrestle my phone from me... Put his hand in a fist and made gestures that he was going to punch me, told me he was going to kill me, then second attempt at wrestling my phone which he managed to do. Then we had already arranged to see one of my best friends and her son and go for a walk, so we did. Eldest was rude to me in front of them, and both he and youngest fought a lot.

It's like a nightmare, like being stuck in an abusive relationship and no one believes you. 10yo is fine at school, never in trouble, only ever told off for talking too much.

I can talk to the school, but what can they really even do. Maybe he should live with his Dad. I'm sitting here shaking from the stress, I've got online classes all day.

I also try and ignore the bad... I've started reading "raising Boys"... But I feel a bit 'checked out'

I'll start by saying I don't have a 10 year old.

However, when I say to my DC okay, you can have 20mins on screens and they kick off, I reduce it if they get horrible about it.
No way would I increase as it shows crappy behaviour is rewarded.

Reduce until they understand. Although I'd be tempted to chuck it away given your son's reaction and behaviour across the day. Direct, quick repercussions that he understands.

He had a melt down , so you gave him a reward of extra time?
I am not being condeming here, children will push you to places you didn't even know existed.
This is a choice he is making , this behaviour. My guess is there is no additional needs here, its a mixture of ambivalence towards his parents and addiction to gaming. The game thing is a vehicle. It could be anything, football, stickers , sweets . Unfortunately we live in an era where somebody has manufatured this addictive shit.
Seek help OP. Book a couple of sessions with a counsellor. Gather your strength, set some firm clear boudaries.

ripped, pulled, threatened,knocked over.....totally unacceptable.

He will be 6 foot before you know it.

Yeah I shouldn't have increased it... I spoke to a woman at the school office that day, and I am not blaming her, I choose to follow up, she said to increase it so he will calm down... Again it is not her fault... I am just full of self doubt

And, although it's hard to admit, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about the strengh I have to draw on just so my child will stop being abusive, let alone so he will thrive... I had a less stable childhood with an abusive stepfather and never behaved like this.

You do know that he doesn't hate you right? He hates the lack of control over his life. You are the one he relies on to always be there.
He is only 10, hopefully you can take all the good advice and get the balance back.

I would normally not say this but I think you need to put the switch somewhere he can’t find it, until not having it is the norm. Until he wins back 30 mins (45 is better for fortnite) or ban fortnite altogether.

This lockdown has been really difficult for kids. I have a DS who is 10 too. I ban his Xbox when he is cheeky or his phone or both. Always for a week. To be fair though he plays other games as well as fortnite and has a couple of nights a week where he doesn’t play. Honestly I think he likes the company or community. As soon as his friends come to the door though he switches it off and goes out on his bike with them. It will be much more difficult for your DS being more isolated from his friends. At this age they have hormones starting they are a child but want more every thing is irritating and parents are clueless and don’t understand them. 10 is the new 13.

I have to say if my DS ever threatened me his Xbox would be gone in an instant.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

You really need to remove the Switch, at least for the short term. He gets it back when he starts to behave.

I've got one a little older than yours. It's the only way, seriously.

We stopped fortnite overnight due to behaviour (boys 9 and 11). They whinged for a week then re-discovered Minecraft, No Man Sky and Star Wars. With hindsight I think gaming is a much bigger influence and problem than we realise.

Take the switch away. Toughen up. My dd (10) have had all screen time removed due to her behaviour being terrible.
Ban gaming. And stick to your guns.

That woman in the school office was an idiot, OP.

This situation feels abusive to you. If DS were an adult, what do you think the Relationships board would say about this?

You tried to set a boundary; he successfully intimidated you into relaxing that boundary. What is he learning from this?

You can't force his dad to model decent behaviour to women, but you're the most important woman in his life right now. The way he learns to treat you now will be repeated in the future. You can't let him use violence and intimidation to get his own way. You need to be modelling 'women will not put up with this shit'.

It sounds horribly hard though. Wishing you strength

Am sure you are a great mum trying your hardest it breaks my heart to hear he is treating you like this. I would feel gutted if it was mine.

But you have to become more tougher, enforce rules and be consistent, take away the games and only have them for rewards or as a treat. Put a ban on the bloody fortnight. And also not stand for any nonsense.
I wish you all the best. And I'd also keep no contact with his dad if he calls you names etc.

You spoke to the woman in the school office? Who is she?

You need several appointments with professional support.

Does he want to live with his Dad?

What is he like at school?

The book - the explosive child - is very good

I think that was poor advice you were given about increasing the time.
I'd wait for your son to be calm and then talk to him about his behaviour. I'd point out that you have tried to be reasonable and offer him an amount of time, but are no longer prepared to be threatened and argued with over Fortnite. He is obviously too young to be able to deal with the strong emotions it is provoking.
Personally I would ban all gaming time during the week that involves other people. Maybe allow something creative like Minecraft, but not online.
He doesn't need social contact after school.
Weekend game time is strictly conditional on his behaviour being acceptable. Any attempts to threaten/intimidate/ argue means no time that weekend.
If the age restriction is 12 then regardless of his friends being on it, I would simply refuse.
I don't have a son of this age and DSS is older - he loved his Xbox and to be fair, there are some great games you can play with friends and family. DH and he used to play golf and some shoot em up type games (not Fortnite). But I have friends with boys for whom Fortnite is the bane of their lives. It's a very compulsive game and difficult to interrupt as continual play is rewarded.

My hfa asd/adhder sounds lots like him. Iv found normal discipline and rules dont work very well (that's why I like the explosive child book). He obviously loves you and regrets actions once red mist recedes but it's like walking on egg shells.

When 10yo saw this he ripped the poster down and screwed it up, had a huge melt down, pulled bags from the cupboard, knocked dining chairs over, pulled cereal from the cupboard, threatened to punch me in the face, told me he wished I was dead, that he was going to kill me, that I'm a bad mum.*

I do sympathise with you. However, you are the parent and he is the child. All and I mean all electronic games, iPads etc need to disappear immediately. No chats, no rules about them, no negotiations etc simply take them away when he is at school. I have done this with my own for merely not completing homework, and it works every single time. Amazing what a week off devices does.

He knows exactly what he is doing, and he is being intentionally cruel and manipulative. This behaviour wouldn't help him now or in the future when he has to deal with other girls/women. His behaviour is also extremely unfair towards your other DC. I would get him some therapy sessions too if you cannot get through to him.

If all else fails and this is somewhat brutal, but I would get him packed up and send him to his father. A friend I know did this with her teenage girl who was making their lives a living hell. She was back within a week and was a changed child.

You need professional help - go back to your GP. Don’t wait till he gets bigger than you.

The woman in the office is qualified for her job - administrative tasks at school, not for managing violent behaviour.

Seriously I'd be binning that shit, not reducing it. I'd also fight to keep him with you if you know his dad plonks him in front of a screen all weekend and didn't really want access in the first place.

He's behaving awfully but you are his mum and you have to take charge and give him the tougher parenting he deserves. I know you're drained but you have to be the adult here and find the strength to do what's right for your son, and that isn't giving in to bad behaviour. He knows if he behaves like that he will get what he wants and if you think its hard now he will be 10x worse as a teenager and a useless adult.

You have to take the switch away completely. Controlling it obviously isn’t working

I used to game a LOT before I had DS. All sorts of games, mostly PC based and online, since the late 90's. FPS, RPGs, you name it. I know what is out there, and what I enjoy and what I don't in a game, and I am aware of the risks/ types of people you encounter during these games.

DS (11) is ASD and adores Minecraft. I'm strict about who can be in his games; they need to people friends he knows, or friends of those friends etc. No strangers, and no aggressive assholes over voice comms. They might have some disputes but it's normal, the sort of disputes they'd have in person.

Fortnite is awful. I know it's awful because I had a look at it and it contains everything I hate in a game. PVP combat that encourages griefing (these ridiculous dances you can do to mock the person you've killed), voice comms full of children/ teenagers/ adults calling each other awful names when they fail, and in-game items which cost a lot of real world money to show off for your virtual friends.

I know there are other aspects to it, but I also know what I'm like, and my son isn't much different to me. I've seen him when he dies accidentally in a game, or if someone kills him. He doesn't 'lose it' but you can see he gets quietly upset with himself, or that friend. If you added all of those opportunities to add anonymous other players to the mix, killing him for fun, dancing over him afterwards, calling him names over comms? He'd be a little ball of rage, too.

We don't really limit screen time in this house (DH and I are the worst tbh!) but I agree with those who have said they don't allow screens in bedrooms. I know what he's watching, what he's playing (we talk about it, or we even play together, depending on the game).

I can't encourage people enough to do some research into the games their children play online.