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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

138 replies

FirTree31 · 23/09/2020 18:37

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 23/09/2020 20:16

Switch needs to go.

Not just go for a while, go completely. Some kids just can't cope with gaming, I think your ds is one of them. With things like this we have to be the mean parent and ride out the storm that's going to come. But it will be worth it in the end.

randomer · 23/09/2020 20:17

A 10 year old who has everything he wishes for and more "wishes you were dead"
Come on, boudaries please! This is not acceptable.

ArabellaScott · 23/09/2020 20:19

You need to repair your relationship. Sounds to me like he's got some things he maybe wants to work through.

www.ahaparenting.com & the book 'calm parents, happy kids' by Dr Laura Markham.

I recommend it all the time, but I swear this saved my relationship with my son. Active listening, boundaries, 'special time'. It's miraculous, and I don't tend to hyperbole.

Writerandreader · 23/09/2020 20:19

Children at that age need 2 hours physical exercise a day. If my son doesn't get it (and I don't include school playtime which is pitiful) he is very moody and borderline depressed

Suzi888 · 23/09/2020 20:20

Do you listen in to it? Who is he playing with? HmmI don’t know much about fortnite yet... only have a four year old but hear colleagues discussing it and dread my daughter asking for it! I would also say cut screen time or even have an internet break... easier said than done I know and probably the wrong time of year weather wise and with covid.

coffeelover3 · 23/09/2020 20:21

fortnite is a nightmare - it turns my lovely ds into an aggressive angry rude PITA!!!! I took it off him last night - OMG a different child. I feel for you - a single parent myself, they don't even go to their dad's any more. But yeah, take the plunge, take the switch away and get your son back. I need to do it too. Can hear him shouting again now. Need to give him a 5 min warning. He's not even reading books any more, or doing anything. He's obsessed. But yeah, spend time with him if you can - swimming? Try and get him back into football. I had to push ds to go back. Sometimes you have to be the 'mum and the dad', it's really hard doing it all by yourself.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2020 20:22

Ah yes, it'll be bloody Fortnite. It's kiddie crack.

I have a 14 year old who is virtually addicted. We are fairly strict in that we will take no nonsense whatsoever, so if he is rude to us etc then he basically has to come off it for a few days. We will never allow a PC or console in his room. He will have to be living in his own place before we'll allow that.

His dad and I both work FT, key workers, but we allowed him and his older brother to stay home rather than go to school during lockdown (he could have had a keyworker place). I trusted him to be getting on with his work online at home and then I discovered weeks later that he'd just been going on fortnite during the day and got WAY behind in his work.

I went ballistic, he cried, said he'd do better etc etc. I really thought he'd learned his lesson. So we gave him a second chance. And guess what, he did the EXACT same thing again a few weeks later. I had to contact school and apologise and make a plan with them for him to catch up etc. More tears from the boy........

He went back to school in Sept and I was still making discoveries. He had a twitter account I hadn't known about, in which he'd slagged us off royally during lockdown and asked if anyone would like to swap parents. Grin He really doesn't know how good he has it, and actually, someone said to him on the thread "Actually, I only have one and he's not very nice, so I'd swap with you any day". Doubt it went in though.

What's embarrassing is that I work in a boys' secondary school and know EXACTLY what they're like (hence why I will NEVER agree to a TV or console, or any device in their bedrooms while they are living with us). I see the consequences of their screen addiction with my own eyes. I thought my son was different. Ha! Naive or what?

We'd had all the talks, and warnings including from Dad, who can raise his deep voice just a little bit and both sons know we mean business. We are not soft. We are assertive, and the kids listen and don't argue back. We don't even have to shout. They are well behaved in all respects. But this one bloody thing, the Fortnite addiction with DS2.....it's an absolute nightmare and has changed his behaviour so much. Shouting, slamming the keyboard in anger etc etc.

Honestly, it will be the gaming. Boys and hormones from around age 10 up, plus Fortnite equals an explosion waiting to happen. It's terribly tempting to let them go on it for a while as you know it will give you some peace for an hour or two so you can get on with your uni work etc. But boys that age and into teens desperately need to be kept off the screens and have some boundaries, and lots of contact, chat, activities with good adult role models.

They will say they hate you for restricting their use, and all that, and slag you off to their mates etc. But that's what pre-teens and teens do. Please don't take it personally. Ignore all that. Shrug it off. YOU'RE in the right, and you're doing the best by them. Be strong, have the boundaries there, and it will do him AND you a favour in the long run.

Is there any other activity he enjoys doing WITH you? My 14 year old enjoys watching certain telly programmes with me. He enjoys some box games, and it's really good bonding time. We talk. He also likes some of the same music I do, so we enjoy listening to that together.

Above all, please try and not let his outbursts affect how you feel about him. When you work in a boys secondary school, you come to realise that most of the badly behaved boys are not all bad. There's usually a reason for their outbursts, even if that reason is just that they can't cope with their hormones, and the way it makes them feel all over the place. These are children, we have to remain as calm non-emotional adults, and just try to guide them through the awfulness of the pre-teen and teenage years.

Please take this as just a matter of fact, it's not a criticism or blaming anyone, but the split could well have had an impact, and his anger at the situation may just be playing out in his behaviour. Outbursts. Telling you he hates you. Ignore it all. You need a tough skin. This is not him speaking, it's the hormonal, upset, game-addicted side of him speaking. He WILL love you underneath all that, he really will.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 23/09/2020 20:23

I'd remove the Switch completely initially, or behavior will just continue to be bad and you'll go round in circles. He needs to earn it back. A couple of days a week won't make that much difference.

If you don't feel you can do that, maybe start with playing on weekends only, especially as he has a lot of screen time at his dads when he's there anyway

Jamhandprints · 23/09/2020 20:25

Sounds awful. I'd try and get rid of Fortnight but not as a punishment. Talk to him about addictions and how you're worried about him and try to cut it down gradually using distractions. Reward time spent off it with other things he loves.
Let him know you miss his company and are here for him. But if he "really" hates you, maybe he would prefer a stint at Dads.

silverbubbles · 23/09/2020 20:29

I recommend a total detox. Perhaps break the switch /gaming machine.

Doliv63 · 23/09/2020 20:30

I have just mentioned this game Fortnite to my 25 year old and he said that it really would mess with a 10 year olds brain !

QuestionMarkNow · 23/09/2020 20:34

I agree with gaming. And the lack of exercise.

I would reintroduce all the activities he used to do. And spend as much time as possible outside at the weekend.

FWIW, ds2 has been the same during lockdown and was a royal pain in the arse. As soon as he started going out/exercising again (which by default also meant less time in front of a screen), things improved....

TheABC · 23/09/2020 20:35

Asked DH about this as he is an adult gamer who has done research on it...the upshot is that Fortnite will never be allowed in our house for the DCs. We have restricted screen time as it is!

To echo the others, it needs to go, entirely. If you are worried about DS being lonely, cubs, woodcraft folk or other activities can replace it. At the end of the day, he does see his friends at school.

randomer · 23/09/2020 20:42

Consider humans and their needs. We are primed to be active, to seek warmth and companionship, kinship . We are Hunter gatherers and yet this 10 year old is living his life in isolation staring at a small box.

Oh and for good measure wishes his primary care giver dead.

Boredbumhead · 23/09/2020 20:44

Watch the social contract on Netflix OP. Then dial down the tech.
Does he have any problems at school?Are there any positive male role models around?

LouisBalfour · 23/09/2020 20:46

Our son went through a long Fortnite phase. It never affected his mood.

No excuse for his rudeness and disrespect. Take it away. Start being strict. A 10-year-old wrestling you for the Switch? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Take it away, calmy and quietly. Impose limits when you deem to return it.

His behaviour is simply unacceptable. Nip it in the bud.

EarthSight · 23/09/2020 20:46

I really feel for you. I think the Dad is part of the problem here, but you can't do anything about that.

I'm not a mum so I can't give you in-depth advice, but I can only tell you that certain types of games being out the worst in my partner - grumpy, moody, snappy, aggressive, disrespectful, huffy. He can be like that anyway, but certain types of games massively increase this and I so wished I had put my foot down or an ultimatum years earlier. I felt bad at the time because I didn't feel like it was my place to demand he give up something he clearly enjoyed so much and used for stress relief, but I was suffering because of it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/09/2020 20:52

I have a two sons , single mum and very similar challenges

I‘M going to go on a limb and actually not blame fortnite here actually

I think there are always issues with a Split such as yours - and it affects the elder one more . They hear more and absorb more
Both mine game but only one has the emotional issues

I watched a lot of podcast and YouTube videos on parenting

It’s so hard , but if you can try and take a massive step back and explore what mixed and fucked up messaging he is getting , what messing that little head of his up ?
I know the last thing you feel like is being calm and empathetic - but sounds like his head is very confused and it’s coming out in anger

CustardySergeant · 23/09/2020 20:53

FirTree31 "He's just been in to speak to me to say sorry and that he loves me, and that it breaks his heart when we fall out, without any encouragement from me. This is a roller-coaster! I know my little boy is in there somewhere."

Then now would be an excellent time to sit with him quietly and calmly and discuss with him the evidence of the adverse effect playing Fortnite is having on him and others of his age. I know he's only 10, but I think it's well worth talking with him about it.

Jemenfouscompletement · 23/09/2020 20:54

M'y DS was a nightmare with Fortnite too. Banned the PS 2 years ago, h has a PC but I restrict the access with my router. Definitely get rid of the switch. Sadly Fortnite changes some kids into monsters. It's up to you as a parent to say no, not easy as a single mum especially if you ex is bad mouthing you. Stay strong and do it, the short term pain is worth it for getting your don back

earthyfire · 23/09/2020 20:56

My DD 10 is an absolute different child when I take away the consoles, too much screen time and she is angry, rude and acts like a drug addict needing her fix!

quieterinreallife · 23/09/2020 20:58

I've been where you are. The only thing I did that made any difference was take away fortnite. I told him he wouldn't be playing it until his behaviour had improved massively. He got better very quickly but I didn't allow him to play it for about 3 months and wow what a difference it made. He was then allowed to play it in moderation but as soon as I heard him shout he had to turn it off. If it started getting bad again then he would have a long break again. He now very rarely plays it but that's through his own choice.
I mentioned this to a friend a while ago and she said she would give it a go, when I next saw her she said it's like living in a different house.
It's crazy how a game can have such a massive effect but it really does

bogoffmda · 23/09/2020 21:01

Fortnite - nearly killed my family, with me literally telling 11 yr old he became a vile nasty piece of shit after one explosive shouting match.

I immediately regretted because boths boys were so shocked as I ended up crying - more that I had been so horrible to a child but I had reached the end of my single mother tether.

Within 10 days, the eldest asked to delete the game - I think I said why bother because you will blame me and take it out on me so what is worse. 14 months down the line - it has been downloaded twice, on both occasions, I was told to tell me if I am being a little shit. Did not even need to after 2 hours - the game was removed by them.

The aggro, swearing screaming has stopped. Other games played but nothing like Fortnite aggro. Eldest notes his friends still play and he is often asked to but says no.

The game is awful.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/09/2020 21:11

Install the switch parental control app switch it off from downstairs no wrestling needed tell him he has three strikes and its uninstalled

Strangly my 11 year old has never got that far

LM101 · 23/09/2020 21:13
  1. you can’t control the dad so you need to ignore that from the equation

  2. your kids behaviour is down to what you have allowed to happened. Yes the screen time and games might not be helping but they also know they can say those things with no issues.

  3. you need to have a sit down chat and a heart to heart. Explain you don’t always mean everything you say, you don’t like being grumpy and you want to change. Suggest a set of rules for you both (not just him) and consequences if the rules are broken. At 10 they are old enough to start taking responsibility for their own emotions. Hold each other accountable as this will help.

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