To consider leaving my 10 year old in a forest without breadcrumbs

[FirTree31]

Okay, title is in jest, but in all seriousness, my 10 year old son is making me ill.

He is horrible to me every day without fail. He "hates" me and "wishes I was dead, wishes I wasn't his mum". Anything can get him to this point, for example, I picked him up from ASC today, at a time he told me he wanted to go, but I'm now the worst mum ever because I told him to play his switch upstairs (so I don't have to listen to him fall out with his friends over Fortnight). I ordered myself some earbuds but I haven't even opened them because once he saw them he started shouting at me because "you knew I wanted those". If I try to take away his switch he will literally wrestle me. I can give endless examples of this behaviour, which happens all the time he is with me. We used to be a team, but now his presence gives me anxiety.

Although I am a single parent, we have a steady home, I just left my very steady job in higher education to do my 3rd degree, in Nursing. I do not take drugs or drink, do not have a plethora of men, we live in the countryside with a nice school. He has a little brother..His dad hates me though, he still calls me names.

I have no idea on what to do. I am turning sour, I've said "you ought to live with your Dad if you're this unhappy", I don't want to be like this. It is making me so ill, and of course I doubt its good for my son. We have no relationship, just resentment and anxiety.

He's 10. Fortnite! No. Get rid of the Switch and when it is earned back, no Switch.
I understand that it is hard. I have a strong willed 10 year old too.
Having banned the iPad for a day I am now playing an endless game of Monopoly with him - but that's what he needed/wanted, time with me.
I hate Monopoly.

It is easy to sit in our homes and give advice, but tough on the OP. However, she should not be accepting this as in any shape or form normal or acceptable.
I urge you to seek help. I had some similar issues and it is unbeliveably wearing. Infact you are totally worn down. Get support, get help, build up your reserves.

Sorry OP I just read your updates. First of all , that sounds so incredibly hard.

We are quite permissive parents (DS feels as if he's never had a bedtime, for example!) but in your situation I'd have to be a hardass. Take away all screens. Tell him he can play football again, or whatever club he likes, but he needs to learn appropriate behaviour and the game isn't helping. He will cope better in the long run having no access to it, rather than partial access (where he'll be mocked for having to leave, or just the fact that he'll be playing long enough to want to play more, then having to stop will wind him up).

He's 10, it's still possible to change this situation, but I think it calls for drastic measures.

Also the woman in the school office, she's an office administrator, unless she also has added early years education experience, her opinion is just that. It isn't informed, it's just telling you what she would do for an easy life.

Do you have a friend or relative that could store the switch at their house while he goes cold turkey.

I'm sorry- he is addicted, and he needs your help to overcome that. For some addicts there is no "oh, just 30 minutes", it's none, at all.

He will shout, and scream, and stamp, and likely will attack you. It is far better he does this now as a 10yo, than a few years down the line as a 14/15yo.
He might trash rooms, he might run off out of the house- be prepared for that.

But he needs you to do this, and he needs you to bear this for him- he's only a little boy and it's too much for him to deal with.

I agree The Explosive Child is a v good book. However, I think that after a week or two cold turkey you will see you lovely son again.

Please try to avoid saying he should live with his dad- when children test the boundaries, they do it to check that you still love them, that you still want them. The hurt it causes you saying he can go to dad's is more harmful than any of his behaviour. He needs to know you're on his team. And yes, I know how hard it is when they're off the wall, and it is so much easier to walk away, but he needs you to be strong and to be his anchor in this world.

Good luck

In case it didn't come across - you have my sympathies OP.
I think when you sanction kids, you do have to give them room to come back from, so punishment has to be reasonable and limited and not escalating or without an end.
I've never had to deal with a child who is explosive too and suspect that would need a specific approach.
Good luck and don't feel too down about this, an awful lot of parents are in the same position and just trying to work out the best way to deal with this.

It sounds like you have a lot going on, esp with studying too and that you are under a lot of pressure. Perhaps he is also picking up on this stress?
I also really wouldn't ignore bad behaviour. He's testing boundaries and would probably be happier with clear set boundaries, followed by some quality down time. Yes, he will really kick off, but if you stick with it you will be doing you all some favours. Also, I wouldn't worry about whether the rules you set are too harsh etc. One you set them you are better just following through. At least for a while before adjusting them. Consistency is so important.

I admire you op. Your trying to address behaviour of your son and stop it destroying your relationship. I deal with similar behaviours but have my husband to back me up so cant imagine doing this alone.

Bless you Op, I think you realise now the woman in the office hasn’t a clue!
The moment he ripped that poster up you worked so hard on and started kicking off, would have been the moment the switch comes away cold turkey for a few weeks. Break that addiction. And no fortnite at all when it is returned - delete it and set security up on the switch so he cannot re-download. When he gets the switch back it should be in small controlled chunks!

My son was normally lovely but everytime he came from his fathers he was absolutely vile.
He said to me recently (he is 40) that his father would pour poison into his ears about me the entire time he was there and he was so stressed when he came back he's take it out on me.
As son as his father lost custody and visiting rights he turned back into a lovely child again.
Guaranteed this is his fathers doing.

It does sound like he's totally addicted to Fortnite and complete removal is the only way to go.

Don't sneak it away. You need to tell him you are taking it away until he shows he is mature enough. His behaviour is clearly showing that he is not mature enough to have access to gaming.

M dest ds could be pretty vile at 10 often associated with gaming and fortnite. We took it away for extended periods and he had to be polite before getting it back.

He is 11.5 now and has been a lot better lately and still plays it. I vowed never to have the online playing but it was invaluable during lockdown as a means of keeping touch with his friends. As much as I hate the noise he generates I will not allow it in his room yet, I think they're too young still to be left up there on his own.

Have just read your last posts, given his attitude it needs to stop now, cold turkey.

I understand your difficulty as often the only person my eldest takes any notice of is dh when he shouts at him and that obviously isn't an option for you, I don't know what I would do if a single parent.

What I wouldn't do is threaten to send him to his dad or take him there despite it being the easy option. As pp have said you are his safe space, where he tests his emotions to see how much you love him, if you do send him away it could negatively affect his self esteem and make his behaviour worse.

As for the advice from school, was that a professional, experienced in this issue? Sounds ill advised and daft to me as you instantly gave in to his tantrum. I often say to my boys that I didn't give into tantrums when you were two, so I shan't now, it essentially a tantrum.

I did read an interesting thing though at the time, that tantrums are an expression of anxiety in children, that helped helped me deal with him in a less confrontational way.