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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

132 replies

pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:19

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

OP posts:
southparkroses · 22/09/2020 11:21

My husband certainly doesn't see me as a drain. He knows looking after a child is very hard work.

Childcare is often terribly expensive.

My husband and I prefer our child to be with us, rather than in childcare full time. Especially when small.

They'll have to be at school full time soon enough, if you like staying at home and can afford it, it sounds like a good option for you:

Alarae · 22/09/2020 11:28

This will potentially be my situation when I return to work from maternity leave in January, but because my partner is facing redundancy at the end of this year.

Childcare plus JSA (won't qualify for anything else) is around £1400, so the shortfall losing my partners current salary is about £300.

Realistically then, it's not worth it for us for him to take a pay cut to stay in work, so if he cannot get another job at a similar level he will likely be at home.

I won't resent him for it at all as he will be doing what I am doing at the moment, and it is hard! However I know he will feel slightly lost not having a job so will support him with that as much as a I can.

Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:30

Thanks, both. I think the problem is since my partner doesn’t work in my area he may not realise it’s not always straightforward finding work. And I don’t want to come across as not wanting to work!

OP posts:
jackfruitz · 22/09/2020 11:31

I had a big argument with my husband regarding going back to work after my baby. Namely I wanted to stay at home as we had decided not to have another and I wanted to treasure the first few years of my only child. “D”H said if he has to work I have to work Hmm I think he felt some resentment towards me during my maternity leave and that all I did was lounge around in my PJs with our daughter all day. He also wanted a bigger house, (we have a 3 bed but he wanted a 4) a nicer car (we have a Mercedes but he wants an Audi) and holidays to far flung places which we couldn’t do if we went down to one income. For me, I was happy to compromise on those things because for me, being with my child is far more important as my parents were never around when I was growing up. I think it depends on how supportive your husband is.

IamTomHanks · 22/09/2020 11:32

I don't view my DH as a drain. Quite the opposite. Him staying home has been a blessing, especially right now, and gives me the freedom to pursue my career.

mindutopia · 22/09/2020 11:37

I think you can only know this if you speak to your partner. It's between the two of you and every situation is different.

That said, I've never been a SAHP long term by choice, but I have been at home for extended mat leaves and I was the parent who was home doing the childcare and the homeschooling during COVID (while also working, so that's not quite the same thing). I actually found I certainly resented my dh at times for being able to go out to work and have a break from home and the children, eating lunch in peace, not being quite so exhausted. Being a SAHP, particularly after the baby stage, is quite hard work and I didn't find it particularly rewarding. It's wise to make sure you both have a healthy balance of time to yourself and time away from just being a parent, which may mean your partner picking up more of the slack on the weekends and in the evenings.

Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:37

That sounds very difficult for you both jack

OP posts:
silverfonze · 22/09/2020 11:38

Personally I think they always do
I work with men with SAHP and the things they say about them, particularly after a few drinks!
When kids are under 5 the husbands are supportive after that and particularly youngest kind 7/8+ most think it's a piss take but usually can't get the woman to get a job.
Then the resentment sets in and the affairs of split up happens

Goodness knows why some
Women feel they have the right to doss around for decades while men have to work full time until retirement!

DCIRozHuntley · 22/09/2020 11:38

Honestly I'd say if there's even the slightest niggle at the back of your mind that you will ever be undervalued or made to feel like a drain by your partner, do not do it.

I'm a SAHM of nearly a decade. We pay into a pension for me, I own half the house, all our money is fully joint and if joint names on a given account isn't possible (eg ISA don't allow that for tax reasons) then we have equal amounts in single named accounts. I still sometimes feel like a let down but these feelings come from me. My DH tells and shows me regularly that he knows what I do is important.

If you can easily afford to live off one salary, then you can probably afford for you to work if that's what you'd like to do. Make sure SAHPing is an active choice.

Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:40

Well I don’t think it is quite that straightforward silver but I certainly don’t want my partner to feel he has to provide indefinitely for me and children.

My worry is more that if I am not contributing towards the finances then having a say over how they are spent becomes more difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:41

roz the problem is while I do want to work - whether part or full time, I’m flexible with that - I’m also worried about the current economic climate and job hunting! I am very experienced in my field which ironically may go against me as they may prefer someone with less experience but cheaper!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 22/09/2020 11:42

Well, DH says he doesn't, and doesn't give any indication of doing so. But perhaps silverfonze knows what my DH thinks better than he does, and knows my DH better than I do - because all men must think the way the men they have spoken to reflect the totality of male thought on this particular subject. . .

honeylulu · 22/09/2020 11:43

Discuss it and find out! Some things he may not be aware of and you need to enlighten him. He may be very supportive of you being SAHM long term. Discussion is the only way to understand and weigh up each other's desires and expectations, and work out compromises if necessary.

My husband was very clear that he understood he had an equal role in parenting and financially supporting any children we had. But he was always very clear that he was not willing to financially support another adult and that if we did have children I should go back to work full time. I was happy with that and did so. Others may not have been of course!

Lots of men are actually quite well suited to having a wife who does the primary parenting and running of the household. Ask! You won't know otherwise.

Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:45

I can imagine him being okay with me staying at home. However what would happen would be if I wanted to buy something more than say £30-40 it would mean I’d have to justify it. We’ve had this with buying baby things already. So long term I think that would be pretty miserable.

OP posts:
Ifmusicbethefoodoflove · 22/09/2020 11:46

@silverfonze

Personally I think they always do I work with men with SAHP and the things they say about them, particularly after a few drinks! When kids are under 5 the husbands are supportive after that and particularly youngest kind 7/8+ most think it's a piss take but usually can't get the woman to get a job. Then the resentment sets in and the affairs of split up happens

Goodness knows why some
Women feel they have the right to doss around for decades while men have to work full time until retirement!

This attitude really pisses me off.

So let’s say you have two kids (which dad agreed to) then you are out of work for 6/7 years before they go to school. For the mum to then get a job she needs dad to step up, take on 50% of housework and admin, take on 50% of drop offs/pick ups (or mum needs to earn enough to ensure wraparound care doesn’t wipe out the financial gains overall), and take on 50% of covering children’s illnesses. It’s usually the men who slag off the SAHM who are worst at this.

The mum may well be reluctant to get a job because she has low self esteem about what she can offer an employer.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/09/2020 11:47

I think some men do- usually the men who have never looked after a preschooler by himself and usually the men who when they say a woman go back to work, they mean go back to work and still take on all the child care and housework still.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/09/2020 11:49

It doesn't matter what other people do, it matters how you guys both feel about it. It needs to be a joint decision that you're both happy with. Though if you do look for work, I'd hope your husband is intelligent and empathetic enough to understand if your industry is tough right now, especially with covid.

Assuming the circumstances allow choice, it's not fair to pressure or coerce someone into either not working or being the sole earner if it's not what they want.

Mrsfrumble · 22/09/2020 11:50

If a man (or woman) is telling their partner that they’re happy for them to be a SAHP, then bitching about them when drunk to work colleagues, I don’t think the SAHP “dossing around” is the real problem with the relationship Hmm

You need a honest discussion with your partner. No one else can tell you how he’s going to feel.

Original poster
pigeonsfeather · 22/09/2020 11:50

I think I’ve just got this vision of being offered work and start in two weeks and not being able to find a nursery and and and ...

I probably need to calm down Grin stupid pandemic!

OP posts:
southparkroses · 22/09/2020 11:51

@pigeonsfeather

Well I don’t think it is quite that straightforward silver but I certainly don’t want my partner to feel he has to provide indefinitely for me and children.

My worry is more that if I am not contributing towards the finances then having a say over how they are spent becomes more difficult.

I earn nothing but have 50% say in how our money is spent. Like he has 50% say in how we bring up our son.

You have to be a team otherwise nothing will work, not just money.

ginghamtablecloths · 22/09/2020 11:51

I'm sure your DH won't resent you personally for the very good reasons you give. If you had to go without a few luxuries he might think wistfully about what you're missing out on due to less income but that's all. Everyday life is full of little compromises and it's difficult to 'have it all.'

TheDailyCarbuncle · 22/09/2020 11:52

@pigeonsfeather

I can imagine him being okay with me staying at home. However what would happen would be if I wanted to buy something more than say £30-40 it would mean I’d have to justify it. We’ve had this with buying baby things already. So long term I think that would be pretty miserable.
Clearly your partner is a complete dickhead, so I'd say that in that circumstance, staying at home is likely to cause problems. My question is why you're with him at all, given that this is how he behaves?

As to whether partners resent it generally, not all do, but I think even in the kindest and healthiest relationships one person being a SAHP long term creates an imbalance - one person is responsible for all the income generation, the other responsible for all the childcare and such a split in roles can mean that partners stop understanding each other/lose touch with each other.

Personally I think having a SAHP in the family is a massive massive luxury. I'd love my DH to be a SAHP, he'd be brilliant at it and it'd make my life so much easier. But it's not possible at the moment.

ThePants999 · 22/09/2020 11:55

My wife was a SAHM for three years, from the birth of our first until our second was 1. I didn't resent her in the slightest, she was working all day taking care of our children! I would resent a SAHP of school-age children, though - that would create a huge imbalance in contribution to the family and free time.

namechangeinamillion · 22/09/2020 11:57

@Alarae I'm not sure if I've misunderstood your post but your partner can't claim jsa unless he is actively seeking work and is able to take it up immediately. It's not something a sahm can claim.

SantaClaritaDiet · 22/09/2020 11:58

@silverfonze

Personally I think they always do I work with men with SAHP and the things they say about them, particularly after a few drinks! When kids are under 5 the husbands are supportive after that and particularly youngest kind 7/8+ most think it's a piss take but usually can't get the woman to get a job. Then the resentment sets in and the affairs of split up happens

Goodness knows why some
Women feel they have the right to doss around for decades while men have to work full time until retirement!

wow, there are some bitter posters on here!

OP, it's less partners than very bitter and jealous working mums you will find on MN. The abuse against SAHM on this forum can get astonishing.

Back in the real world, it's a decision you have to make together and listen to the points raised by your partner. It does get stressful to have to juggle everything and rush around all week. I have made the conscious decision to be chore free at the weekend, or it's not a life, but it gets tiring and we wouldn't cope without help frankly.