To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

[pigeonsfeather]

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

As a working mum: i am jealous! I'm currently single and have been in all positions - both working, me staying at home, partner staying at home and now as a single mum
I think stay at home mum's actually get a lot of credit on here. What I think doesn't get enough credit is when you are the sole earner there is a lot of pressure to keep your job and be in a stable financial position. I am compromising a lot (sadly) as I was furloughed and now I workloads extra as I'm terrified of losing my job. Me and my DD would be royally screwed if that happened.
Id give a lot to not have to worry about that anymore.
When my partner was staying at home, he did not support me enough. By that I mean discourage travel, discourage extra work. Pressured me to work from home when I really wasn't supposed to. It put me in a difficult position and my job at risk when I had to support everyone.
My other sources of resentment were that he never bothered with a career.
So it fell onto me as the higher earner and he was also just not good enough as a dad or around the house - on my own my finances were better (without any child support!) And things like meals, the house, playdates were just better managed.

As @Shinyletsbebadguys says, it depends why. Perhaps if I was more comfortable with the finances or he wasn't so incompetent I would have been okay.

I honestly think it depends on the situation.
Looking after children isn't easy whatsoever, and if the only other alternative would be paid childcare (i.e. if you don't have access to family who would willingly help - which of course you'd be lucky to have) then I think it makes sense to stay at home, at least until the child starts pre-school/school and you can then get a job around those hours (even if it's not the industry you worked in before .. I have a few friends who got jobs in schools as midday supervisors or office staff as it worked so perfectly around their kids).
Where resentment does start however is where the stay at home parent doesn't pull their weight. For example, when I'm at home I pretty much expect to be doing the bulk of the household tasks, keeping on top of washing, ironing, hoovering etc. DP helps with the shopping at the weekend and will do the dishes after dinner most of the time. But I am happy to do everything else, as that is the contribution to the household.
I know some however who insist that their partners still have to do 50% of the chores IN ADDITION to working full time.
One of my friends (I use that term generously) was a stay at home mum until her youngest child was 14!!!! She went to the gym every day and was your typical 'lady who lunches', while her husband worked 50hr weeks as a lorry driver and they were in mad arrears with her mortgage. That is an extreme situation but what I mean to say is that resentment would be fair there, but in most cases I'd even say that staying at home can be harder!

@namechangeinamillion I am pretty sure (however happy to be corrected) that he would be allowed a grace period to look for roles within his sector and at the same level of responsibility/pay. I have a thought of six months in my head but may be wrong.

After that, if he has to take a pay cut to get a job and its the best for his mental health then we would deal with it. Otherwise, he would more than likely look for a part time job in the evenings/weekends if needed.

Luckily we are in the position that we can live off my salary, hence why we have flexibility with his future plans.

My experience of male colleagues is that the resentment comes because there was an agreement that the wife would go back to work after the youngest starts school but when the times comes, there are excuses for not doing so. There is the accidental 3rd child too. These are colleagues who already do quite their share of dropping kids to school and housework.

Saying that, I know quite a few who are very happy for their wife not to work but these are the ones who usually do nothing at all in the house.

I don't know any man who resent their wife for not working when there is a child u Der 2yo, even less so when they are actively looking for work.

No. Dh was a SAHD for 4 years and it made my life SO much easier.

No worrying about getting everyone out in the morning, sick children, appointments, school holidays.

He's returning to work soon in a profession where it'll be difficult to be flexible and while I'm looking forward to the money, it's going to be an adjustment getting used to the juggling and mental load again.

@pigeonsfeather

Well no we don’t but then that’s where (and I know mn hate it but) separate bank accounts can help. But we will see. In some ways it would be easier if he earned less.

MN hate it for this reason.

I've been a SAHM for 14 years now and my DH definitely doesn't resent it. He loves his job so that helps I think.

As a SAHM I have naturally made friends with others. Many have husbands who do indeed resent them staying at home. They've feel guilt tripped into going back to work once the kids start school, often at much lower salaries and status than they had before DC. The main problem is the DH's job is stressful , boring or not fulfilling. The same DH's do bugger all to help with the DC or housework once their wives do go back to work so there is resentment there too.

I don’t know what you mean south

To explain things frankly before Covid hit I earned just under £50,000 p/a but with a fair chunk of responsibility with that. Dp is on around £80000 p/a also with a fair chunk of responsibility, overseas travel but more flexibility.

Obviously us both doing those sorts of roles isn’t tenable with a baby.

Stepping back would mean me earning around £40,000 give or take. Still a good salary still making a good contribution and still worth it in terms of being offset against nursery fees but slightly more child friendly. But and here is the big but it might be difficult to slot back.

So if I don’t manage to find anything it might be I’m left income less for a while. And this is my worry.

Resentment isn't the only possible issue, for us it would be if our lives were so significantly different we'd struggle to connect over shared experiences. This only happens in some cases but if for us a worst case e.g. would be one parent works long hours in a city with a commute and mostly makes friends at work and sees them in the city while the other parent doesn't work and spends their day in their village/town and doesn't go into the city and has a life and friends locally.
We find a lot of shared bonding and empathy in the fact we both do some working and some childcare and some nursery/school run.

Yes, it certainly did for me.

But, notice the pattern in the answers; each PP has a yes it did cause resentment or no it didn't answer based on their experience, followed up with the context that underpins it. So context is king, and there's a world of difference between a mutual decision to use parents for early childcare, and a coasting spouse not looking for work and causing family hardship.

In your case provided you talk and decide together including what to do if jobs are hard to come by, then I don't see why there would be any cause for resentment.

@pigeonsfeather

I don’t know what you mean south

To explain things frankly before Covid hit I earned just under £50,000 p/a but with a fair chunk of responsibility with that. Dp is on around £80000 p/a also with a fair chunk of responsibility, overseas travel but more flexibility.

Obviously us both doing those sorts of roles isn’t tenable with a baby.

Stepping back would mean me earning around £40,000 give or take. Still a good salary still making a good contribution and still worth it in terms of being offset against nursery fees but slightly more child friendly. But and here is the big but it might be difficult to slot back.

So if I don’t manage to find anything it might be I’m left income less for a while. And this is my worry.

You refer to DP - does that mean you're not married? If you give up work you're very vulnerable in the case of a split. "Common law marriage" is a myth.

You clearly both earn well. Separate accounts are fine but there then should be a JOINT account for joint expenses, which of course includes childcare. You both pay proportionally - he pays more - leaving you both with the same level of disposable money.

If this isn't an easy conversation to have with him then your real problem is that DP is not engaged with the idea of supporting a family

Well, as others have said, it’s not a question anyone can answer because it will vary massively from couple to couple, and depend on personality, nature of job, financial situation, reasons for not doing paid work, etc...

The honest answer to your question is yes, SOME partners resent their SAHPs. Of course they do. Read this article for example: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/02/a-letter-to-my-wife-who-wont-get-a-job-while-i-work-myself-to-death (not reflective of your situation but just illustrating that yes, some do)

And many don’t. I work with a man who often says he owes his wife everything. Although thinking about it she’s not a SAHP, she works PT in a very demanding role, but she’s a much lower earner and picks up all the slack at home.

Only you know your partner but I have to admit from your description he does sound like the kind of man who might resent you staying at home.

Anyway it doesn’t sound like you need to worry about it yet anyway! Good luck with your job hunt.

My worry is more that if I am not contributing towards the finances then having a say over how they are spent becomes more difficult.

That would be heading towards financial abuse. If you’re a family, you’re a family. The SAHP gets a say in spending/saving etc and the earner gets a say in parenting the child.

It’s a massive red flag if you’re worried about your partner’s reaction if you’re struggling to find a job in difficult times.

I’m a SAHM and DH doesn’t resent me at all, ever. He thinks it’s great for DS to be able to spend a lot of time with at least one of us + he gets to focus on his career.
If I had a job as demanding as his, we’d need 2 nannies to cover all the hours.

@JoJoSM2

My worry is more that if I am not contributing towards the finances then having a say over how they are spent becomes more difficult.

That would be heading towards financial abuse. If you’re a family, you’re a family. The SAHP gets a say in spending/saving etc and the earner gets a say in parenting the child.

It’s a massive red flag if you’re worried about your partner’s reaction if you’re struggling to find a job in difficult times.

I’m a SAHM and DH doesn’t resent me at all, ever. He thinks it’s great for DS to be able to spend a lot of time with at least one of us + he gets to focus on his career.
If I had a job as demanding as his, we’d need 2 nannies to cover all the hours.

Sounds exactly like my set up.

I agree with the poster who reminded you that if you aren’t married and he’s not sharing money well you should go back full time. He doesn't sound Iike a man you should take on the home role for. Plus it’s very good for him to have to juggle the work parenting role, he will be a better parent for it so you are investing in half your children’s parenting role models. I did mostly drop off and dh picked up. We were both in reasonably high pressure roles, similar pay to your dh and were both full time.
Talk to your dh about if he’d rather do pick up or drop off (drop off includes Waking breakfast dressing and packing their bags, Obviously us both doing those sorts of roles isn’t tenable with a baby. you should try and leave the house early if you have the option) pick up includes feeding them dinner emptying their bag etc. flag that if there’s a job eg starting in two weeks and childcare doesn’t start for 3,
he probably has to take a weeks leave to do parenting. Or suggest he pay for some childcare with a set start date - ups the pressure to find a job but at least less pressure taking it. We did this, bloody expensive but at least I didn’t have to think about childcare while planning my start.

Hmm there is a quoted line dropped in the middle there which makes it hard to read sorry!!

I agree with the poster who reminded you that if you aren’t married and he’s not sharing money well you should go back full time.

This. 100%. And actually, even if he is sharing money. You put yourself in a very vulnerable spot being financially reliant on 'partner'.

There are a lot of stay at home parents on here, and I think that often skews rhe comments, because folks get indignant and liken it to what they expect for their own circumstances. You’d be forgiven for thinking it’s the norm.

In the real world we need to remember that in eighty percent of families with school age kids in the Uk, both parents work. And the number of stay at home parents is declining each year.

I work in a male dominated industry and I also see a level of disdain for the stay at home parent when the kids are in school, but what’s unseen by many is the kids feelings on it, particularly when it’s the mother who doesn’t work, and an early to mid teens daughter, many don’t understand why their mothers don’t attempt to work and how they fill their days.

Not resentment but a lack of respect from the spouse and a lack of understanding from the child. Particularly if the stay at home parent is giving it some on rhe career advice front.

Staying at home past the early years and after nursery care is subsidised is becoming more and more of an outdated concept, particularly as woman now understand more and more the ramifications of extended periods out of the workplace and dual careers ramp up more and more as the norm.

So I think it’s worth remembering the balance of the responses on here may be slightly skewed.

I think it depends on circumstances.

If both parents are happy for one of them to stay at home, all good.

If one parent thinks they should both work but the other one is only happy to take a job with very strict conditions (part time for ex, or term time only, etc) then I can imagine the first parent resenting the other one.

Hmm. Just to counter bluntness’ I know a lot of people who recognise the value of someone staying at home with high school children when all you do all day is taxi them from activity to activity. Get A to rowing at 5:45, B has cello so drop them at school if you can, pick C up from tennis at 5, B from music at 6, quick dinner before taking A to debating at 7.
Not joking. I know a lot of people who recognise the enormous value of this stay homerole for highschoolers. Not sure I’m willing to be one, my kids might have to catch the train/share with kind friends for the after school stuff, but not the evening or early morning stuff, we will have to fit that in.

Bluntness100 I agree that it is becoming more & more of an outdated concept. Interestingly, my sense of it becoming outdated (which I think was beginning to be the case, even then in the 1990s) was somewhat hidden from me at the time because we lived as expats for large parts of it where SAHP is much more common. Only on returning to live here about 20 years ago did I become aware of the extent to which things had changed - I was the anomaly here which had not been the case in expat life

Some men and women do. Needs really discussing before children but if he turns out to be that way, I would really leave. This is a major deal breaker for me.

I can’t see it as an outdated concept. My mum was very driven and had a high flying career. So did my grandmother. I’m a SAHM and don’t see myself as outdated but just doing what works in my/my family’s circumstances better.

It's actually the men who really want their wives at home who gross me out a bit. Someone I know told me that she'd decided not to go back to work because 'Dave said he wouldn't mind me working so long as I still got all the cleaning done and the kids sorted out so it's easier not to' and I didn't know what to say (I sensed that what I wanted to say - 'sorry, I didn't realise that you were married to a total cunt' - wouldn't be well received). You see women on MN saying how brilliant it is that they're a SAHM because it means that their DH never has to worry about anything domestic and I just don't think that any adult should have no responsibility at all for keeping their living space habitable or caring for their children.

See this, for instance, is a bit grim to me:

DH says hes glad he can come home in the evening to a cooked meal and a clean house and he can spend the evenings playing with the kids instead of doing housework. He really hates living in a mess though, so it works out well for him to have someone home cleaning up after everyone.

I just don't know why you'd want to facilitate your partner essentially living like he's an adolescent.