To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

[pigeonsfeather]

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

Does anyone remember an old French & Sanders sketch, where they dressed as fat, sexist men? There was one where there had been the first woman astronaut or soemthing and their response was 'I've got no problem with the wife going into space, as long as my teas on the table when I get in'. So often on Mumsnet I'm reminded of this - it is not that my DH won't let me work, but it is so much easier when I am around all the time to do all the grunt work. We don't seem to have made much progress from the 1980s....

@timeisnotaline

Hmm. Just to counter bluntness’ I know a lot of people who recognise the value of someone staying at home with high school children when all you do all day is taxi them from activity to activity. Get A to rowing at 5:45, B has cello so drop them at school if you can, pick C up from tennis at 5, B from music at 6, quick dinner before taking A to debating at 7. Not joking. I know a lot of people who recognise the enormous value of this stay homerole for highschoolers. Not sure I’m willing to be one, my kids might have to catch the train/share with kind friends for the after school stuff, but not the evening or early morning stuff, we will have to fit that in.

I guess you are in very wealthy circles with tennis lessons, cello practice, rowing and debating, so your view is also skewed somewhat, and am also sure you recognise that I was not saying everyone feels this way, so no counter is required.

I was simoly saying there was a skew on here due to the make up of rhe people responding v the stats were on dual working parents , and am sure that you also recognise the vast majority of kids do not have these type or volume of lessons that you suggest.

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. DH was happy with our arrangement and respected my contribution to the family - I never had to justify any spending decisions.

However I returned to work when our youngest started school, I can imagine it might be harder to feel like you are both pulling your weight in the partnership if the kids are at school all day.

I think they do, yes - either resent their partner or lose respect for their partner. I work in a male-dominated industry and hear what gets said when they're away from their SAHM wives.

My husband and I spoke about this only yesterday. Where he works, there are a lot of very anxious men who feel a lot of pressure being the only earner and want their wives to go back to work. Wives don’t want to do they don’t. The men don’t seem to have much say.
DH on the other hand, wants me to go part time and I won’t (due to a yearly disneyworld habit 😂) so basically some men are never bloody happy. Do what feels right for you, but don’t do it because you think it’s the only option. It’s great for some, but not for all.

But this can be said for women too. There are many women who don’t like their husbands being at home and not working when the kids are at school, and the husbands won’t.

That’s not about gender.

Hardbackwriter

I totally agree.

"DH says hes glad he can come home in the evening to a cooked meal and a clean house and he can spend the evenings playing with the kids instead of doing housework. He really hates living in a mess though, so it works out well for him to have someone home cleaning up after everyone."

Also not how I'd want to live. Most people would like nothing better than to be able to go full steam ahead at a job they love and come home to find all the domestic chores have been done, the children have been neatly packaged and are ready to play and nothing needs to be done.

Why does one partner get to get that? Most of us have to compromise and meet one another half way. I could not fancy or respect a bloke who took as read that he wasn't going to participate in any of that boring domestic stuff, however much bacon he was bringing in....

The thing is, as these answers show, there's no definitive answer. But I'd say the single biggest indicator of whether or not the SAHP is resented is how the working partner sees the job. If the working partner genuinely gets that it IS a job and that not having to worry about the kids, the mental load, the school run, holidays, childcare etc as well as often, especially when kids are older, not having to worry about cleaning/cooking/shoping etc... and on top of that, then sees all finances as being joint, then there's no resentment and it's all good.

The problem comes in when the working parent sees the SAHP as basically just having a good time. When the working parent doesn't see or appreciate what is being done behind the scenes. And when the working parent thinks he (or she) has more say in how money is spent etc. THEN you have a problem.

I've lost track on here of the number of threads from SAHMs where the DH is off on jollies on a regular basis, has expensive gym membership, goes down the pub with mates, plays golf etc etc but the SAHM can barely afford to get her hair cut because her housekeeping budget only just covers food, kids activities etc. And if he's challenged she's told, "But I worked for that money". It's bollocks.

DH and I 100% share money. I'm the working parent. Since DC are at school, he's started working part time, and truthfully, the money is nice, but I'm very aware that when he was at home full time there was a lot less for me to do.....

Oh, and agree absolutely with a PP re some men get all resentful when kids go to school because they really do think their wives are just swanning around having lunch. But if you ask them if they're gong to take on half the schoo picks, covering for school holidays/illness etc they're all outraged. And what particularly annoys me is when a man whose wife was, say, a lawyer previously thinks that she should just go and get a "little job in a shop" at least. It's so bloody annoying. If she wants to get that shop job, then absolutely I'm cheering her all the way. But why should be she forced to do a job she doesn't want to because, gasp, she MIGHT have a few extra hours in a day now? Usually after YEARS of working more or less 24/7 (because those men are ALSO the types who go golfing every Saturday, have never done a bed time in their life and insisted on sleeping in the spare room so their precious sleep wasn't disturbed during the baby years).

this caused problems with my partner almost immediately, but truthfully, he is still a bit of a tit and immature at times. I had full pay until our baby was 6 months. after that its statutory and if taken the last 3 months are unpaid. I am going back early because my partner has been quite selfish with money. he very much sees it as HIS money. he stopped that when I pointed out that I would get more help if he fucked off out of MY home and moved back in with his mum and that he would have to pay towards our daughter on top of that.

this is also the man who did no night wakings, goes to the gym every night and never takes her on the weekends :) so hes lucky that I dont resent him more actually rather than the other way round. a lot of men seem to have this mindset. it has definitely made me question having anymore, sadly.

you need to be a team for it not to become resentful and understand why and what you both bring to the table.

Honestly, I resented being a breadwinner with an SAHP - so not my partner personally, but the situation really. I loved being home with the kids myself and so was very envious, especially as he didn't hugely enjoy it or want to do all the extras that a SAHM would do as standard, from baby groups to thinking of fun activities, to doing more life admin stuff. I was stressed about money but ended up having to pay for a cleaner and childcare still, and did a lot of household organising etc in my evenings, though he did do more cooking than usual.

However when roles were reversed DH quite liked it, I think he was happy to hand over all home responsibility and take on the financial one, and liked having the weekends free for fun stuff instead of jobs like when we are both working.

It totally depends on you and your partners views.
Personally, my dh didn’t want me to work full time as he had an awful time in childcare as a child and didn’t want that for his dcs (his childminder was very odd and this was years ago so no judgement about childcare)
I was happy to go part time as dh worked very long hours and mine often went into late hours for regular deadlines.
We weren’t in the ‘2 high flyers who could afford a nanny’ league so it made sense practically for me to cut back as well.
Dh certainly doesn’t resent me though we do sometimes ponder on how we could’ve had a bigger house and better holidays if I’d carried on working full time.

@Cherrybalm

this caused problems with my partner almost immediately, but truthfully, he is still a bit of a tit and immature at times. I had full pay until our baby was 6 months. after that its statutory and if taken the last 3 months are unpaid. I am going back early because my partner has been quite selfish with money. he very much sees it as HIS money. he stopped that when I pointed out that I would get more help if he fucked off out of MY home and moved back in with his mum and that he would have to pay towards our daughter on top of that.

this is also the man who did no night wakings, goes to the gym every night and never takes her on the weekends :) so hes lucky that I dont resent him more actually rather than the other way round. a lot of men seem to have this mindset. it has definitely made me question having anymore, sadly.

you need to be a team for it not to become resentful and understand why and what you both bring to the table.

He's not a partner or a decent father at all. Why put up with him? Why the fuck are you sacrificing your potential to have another child with someone more suitable for this lazy, immature and selfish twat?

I think it has to do with having a role in the marriage/house/family and whether you are happy to do your role. My husband is the breadwinner and I’m the homemaker. We know where we stand and have expectations of ourselves, not necessarily the other person (although over time you gain expectations out of habit). It works for us as my husband wants me to be happy and I have always wanted to stay home and look after my children once I had them. I’m lucky he facilitates this and also likes to know our child is being cared for by one of us.

I could, however, switch places with him if needed and make a similar - if not the same - wage as he does.

It depends on your relationship and how you both want various responsibilities dividing.

DH and I never wanted a breadwinner/SAHP dynamic because we both felt it was important for both people to do their fair share on finances, housework and childcare. We're both working part time at the moment which suits us and we'll review that arrangement in time. Neither of us are interested in being the sole breadwinner and because of that neither of us would expect the other to do so.

I don't agree that anyone acknowledging that resentment can occur is a jealous working mum. The jealousy argument is silly. I can easily see how resentment could set in, for example it's agreed that one person is a SAHP whilst the children are under school age, then that suddenly drifts into 'but maybe when they're older' and each step along the way the working parent feels like they're being pushed along by a partner who doesn't want to work, then by secondary school the SAHP has lost a decade of workplace skills and struggles to find work etc. I've seen relationships like that and some of the resentment on either side has continued once the children are adults.

Ultimately, if both people aren't enthusiastically on board and the situation isn't up for regular review then poor communication can easily cause resentment, but if there's open communication there's no reason why a SAHP/WOHP arrangement can't work brilliantly.

I think sometimes it can.
I have men in my family who make crappy remarks about working hard while their wife "sits on their arse". The same men agreed to the set up though, they wouldn't want to reduce their own hours or reduce their "down time" to make the home and parenting balance equal. They expect their career and hubby's and feee time to not change at all while expecting the SAHP to get a full time job and continue doing everything in the house and with the children.

bluntness I do recognise lots of activities is an expensive luxury, but the list is also 3 dc worth. There are a million posts on here listing a dc doing more than two activities so it’s not crazy that 3 keep you busy plus most children have parties and meeting friends and play dates dep on ages.

I think others have nailed it about the resentment. If a partner doesn’t recognise the work of being a stay at home parent or the career sacrifice they are going to resent it but they are also a twat. If they dont share money they are also a twat. If they don’t recognise the work then I do think the fault usually lies with both. Not necessarily 50/50. But they aren’t all men who’ve simply refused to do anything despite being begged and never ever watched their own child for half an hour, lots are men who haven’t been asked to do this or that or been expected to take the toddler to his Saturday class or soft play/the park ie as soon as they are old enough to do anything, or do a night waking. Ladies, if they aren’t a complete twat and unchangeable make them parent on evenings and weekends from when they are young and looking after them is a full time job. Send them with dc to shoe shop. If they fuck up the groceries send them back or they can cook without the missing ingredients, don’t not ask them again.

My husband absolutely thinks I do nothing all day. I have a 9 month old.

But the reality is once the kids are in school, it IS possible for a previous SAHP to get work of some of description.

It is true that a proportion of people actually don't want to work when the kids are in school. If that's the case then fine, but don't hide behind the "Well no job in the world can fit into the school day." There are jobs that can!

Personally, my dh didn’t want me to work full time as he had an awful time in childcare as a child and didn’t want that for his dcs

Not a personal dig to this poster but the attitude of this man astounds me. He absolutely doesn't want his kids in childcare but only if it doesn't actually affect his own career.

Likewise the pp's husband that likes her being at home to clean up the mess.

It's like reading old magazine articles that give instructions on how to be a dutiful wife.

@dairyswim Agreed.

My ex-husband didn't want me to work AT ALL as it would be a challenge and complete insult to his "man" role of wealthy provider.

And anyway, since when is teaching classed as a "career"?!!! Anybody can be a promary school teacher you know(!)

Tbh he looked like even more of an idiot when I left him

Some men definitely do resent it. Like PPs I also work in a male dominated field and have heard the complaints about wives who sit at home and spend money - this is usually when their DCs are school age. What’s horrible is they’ll rubbish their wives quite casually to colleagues, it’s not like these are close personal friends of mine. And I’ve also seen the affairs they have.

Not all men are like this but I’d be wary OP if he works in a mostly male environment, as the peer group will tend to moan about wives and sometimes encourage bad behaviour on work nights out etc.

*primary

My ex-husband didn't want me to work AT ALL as it would be a challenge and complete insult to his "man" role of wealthy provider.

This reminds me of a former boss who was very proud of the fact that he had a stay-at-home wife. They had one child. He would tell clients that one of his favorite “hobbies” besides golf was taking the wife and daughter shopping, buying them anything they wanted. This presumably was to show clients that he was a success at what he did, so much so that he could afford to shower his “loved ones” with material affection.

But behind closed doors he was a dick. Once the divorce was underway (initiated by his wife), she would tell me the things he used to say to her and how he would treat her. So he was happy to have a SAH wife to brag about and make himself look successful because it suited him, but yet he resented her mightily for not bringing in a dime even though the life style he facilitated for her was a bonus to him.

What a prince.

@OutOntheTilez Well according to a reliable source, the very first thing he always likes to tell new clients is that his fiancé is 18 years his junior!

They don't have/want children together but she's more than happy being a "kept woman" and so is he.

So in fairness it works for them?

I suffered years of abuse personally.