To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

[pigeonsfeather]

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

In theory I know it should work like that south, in practice it can be harder. Dp is a thoroughly good man but he is still a man and they don’t IME always understand some things very well! So for example we are stuck with a car seat that I can already tell is going to be a nightmare as you can’t get it in and out of the car easily so it will involve waking the baby up to get it into the pram. When you are earning yourself it’s easier to just buy one YOU want. I hope this makes sense.

gingham one of the problems is dp does like his luxuries

I don’t think he’s a massive dickhead, just adapting to a life with partner and baby. We will get there.

@pigeonsfeather

In theory I know it should work like that south, in practice it can be harder. Dp is a thoroughly good man but he is still a man and they don’t IME always understand some things very well! So for example we are stuck with a car seat that I can already tell is going to be a nightmare as you can’t get it in and out of the car easily so it will involve waking the baby up to get it into the pram. When you are earning yourself it’s easier to just buy one YOU want. I hope this makes sense.

gingham one of the problems is dp does like his luxuries

Tbh no car seat guarantees you won't wake the baby. Many wake when the car stops anyway.

My husband will generally let me buy whatever I want for the baby, but getting a new car seat when you have one already, and they grow out of them so quickly is a waste.

My DH was a SAHD while our DC were little. I’m very appreciative of it. I’d never have thought of what he was doing at home as anything but positive for all of us. It was great to have evenings and weekends predominantly free for family time instead of shopping and housework.

Depends on your oh doesn’t it? Mine couldn’t give a monkeys whether I work or not. I’ve worked when older two were little and currently sahm. I actually work full time on healing from a shitty past. He sees me as far more fulfilled and happier now than when I was struggling to work and deal with mental health stuff.
I fully planning on working once dc3 is in pre school. I doubt I’ll ever work full time again though.

There are not many threads on MN about partners resenting being with a SAH parent.

There are endless threads about partners refusing to be involved in anything, dismissing the other one's job and resenting having to do 50% of childcare and chores...

I have to say, all the couples with one SAH parent I know have been a bit smug or just relieved since the beginning of the lockdown. Even now it's not the same thing to have to isolate a child or one after the other when you are at home or when you have to work, and I am lucky I can WFH if have to.

When kids are under 5 the husbands are supportive after that and particularly youngest kind 7/8+ most think it's a piss take but usually can't get the woman to get a job.

I bet those men are the ones working full time expecting the little wife to do all the sick days, school drop offs and pick ups and the organising of childcare/holiday clubs for the 13 weeks a year that DC are not in school and get a well paying job that fits around school hours or even better term time.

My friend had a husband who said he wanted her back at work the second their youngest was in school, but it had to be term time, he would not be doing any housework, cooking, bathing of the children, or childcare pick ups so basically exactly what he had now but with a wage coming in. He was a fucking delight.

Dh's colleagues all appreciate their SAHP partners. I have been one for nearly 16 years. No working out summer holiday childcare which is the biggest headache and expense. My children at 17 and 14 and I have a disability which means I could not work even part time without it having a detrimental affect on my health.

I do everything. When he comes home from work, his dinner is cooking away, he worships the ground I walk on, I have access to all finances and can spend what I like when I like. I deal with all homework and revision study support. Dh has a great relationship with our children because all the housework/admin is done in the school hours by me. So our time at home together is not bogged down by laundry and cleaning. He cooks at the weekend because he loves cooking and it allows him time to do it.

He has never resented me because he has been 1 to 1 with our children right from the start, and he doesn't like housework, so given the choice of not having to do relentless housework day in day out, he'd choose to work. He loves his job, it pays well. I have my own car, we have lovely holidays and a great house.

I (f) was main wage earner for a while my DP (m) was a SAHD. I loved it! The fact that our kids were cared for by him was wonderful - there was no worry as I know he's the best person in the world for them to be with. No resentment at all from me.

We had a short period when DH was a SAHP. Thankfully, we both agreed that he should go back to work. Tbh, I would have resented it if he had stayed at home after dd started school as there was really no benefit to dd at that point.

I have certainly worked with men who moan constantly about their SAH wives, but it isn't clear to me as to whether they actually want their wives to go back to work (and all that this would entail with regard to sharing housework and childcare etc) or whether they are actually quite happy with this status quo and just enjoy complaining about it.

I don’t disagree south but the point is I have no say in it.

I think as long as expectations are laid out from the start it can work:
Joint money, or agreed set up that works for both sides
If babies/ preschoolers house work should be shared
If children in school housework does fall to the SAHP
Regardless of age of the children, everyone is entitled to “me time”
If both parents working, childcare related issues, house work are both parents responsibility

Why would I resent it? The alternative would be that he goes back to work to earn a salary we don't need, meaning I have to do more around the house, more supermarket trips, chores, etc. when I finish work.

Now THAT I'd resent!

Oh and my kids get to spend all day with a parent rather than a childcare worker. I honestly can't see anything to resent.

DH doesnt see me as a drain. He knows how much work it is at home with the kids. I make sure i take care of everything. 99% of our housework is done during the week, so weekends are spent as a family or putting our feet up.
I sacrificed a lot (my whole own career) in our early years, following him around from country to country because of his education/job. We met in school and i never got to stay anywhere long enough to actually build my own career, so i just took courses and jobs here and there. It was clear from the beginning that i would be a sahm.
DH says hes glad he can come home in the evening to a cooked meal and a clean house and he can spend the evenings playing with the kids instead of doing housework. He really hates living in a mess though, so it works out well for him to have someone home cleaning up after everyone.

@pigeonsfeather

I don’t disagree south but the point is I have no say in it.

Why don't you have a say in it?

My DH is a SAHD. I don’t resent him but I am sometimes a bit worried about the future and I do feel anxious that all the earning falls on me.

Because he is spending his money daily, when I’m also spending my money that’s all fine and equal. But this may change.

I don't view my DH as a drain. Quite the opposite. Him staying home has been a blessing, especially right now, and gives me the freedom to pursue my career.

Exactly this. I couldn't be who I am without DH being SAHP.

I think it depends on the situation. On one hand anyone who has been at home with young children knows that using the phrase "doss around " is laughably ignorant and highlights the desperate need to feel superior. I've literally managed teams in prison riots ....still easier than staying at home day after day with young children. I've both been the higher earner and provider and a sahp. I've never found that there is any resentment.

But and this is a big but. There has been a clear reason , I do not agree with the cop out about not bothering to have young children if you have to put them in nursery. Lots of children flourish in childcare and learn an excellent work ethic from watching their parents progress int their career. By the same bat some children need a parent at home and need the consistency and extra input from a sahp.

What I do think though is there is understandable resentment when the sahp takes it as a given that they should be able to stay at home, does it because they don't feel like going back to work , and honestly I do think they need to increase their chance of employability when it comes to the point its appropriate to return. I had to give up work in lockdown. For a variety of reasons it's impossible to find appropriate childcare for my DC. Dp is away a lot in the week and we tried several ways but it simply can't work.

However my DC are at school for a few hours a day (ds2 for 2 hours currently and not full time until October) , after school childcare has completely shut to non keyworker locally. I am using the downtime to apply for and complete a masters that will qualify me in a profession I know I will be able to get work in , in the meantime I've completed 4 short courses to be able to deliver online teaching , I am also writing a book on professional topics I can sell to bring in some money. If your DC are old enough (babies not included as above that is a full time job in itself ) then I can understand resentment if you are not at least trying to improve the options of returning to work. Even if it takes years.

I have friends in similar situations , I also have an extended family member who insists she should not have to return to work until her DC are in senior school and openly states she probably won't be able to then as all her qualifications are out of date. She could do a lot to change that but chooses not to.

So ultimately it's why the sahp is at home, what the plan is for the future and the behaviour at home. I don't think you can ever answer for anyone else without knowing their situation. At least not in a generalised fashion.

He didnt resent it but it got more complicated then. Sick parents hosp apts. I was call on alot as "free". So nothing done at home. So sometimes its not straight forw. Teens now so more running round lol

If there is already resentment about finance, one way or another you need to address that. It's unlikely you will earn both exactly the same amount and split every single cost 50/50 anyway.

Well no we don’t but then that’s where (and I know mn hate it but) separate bank accounts can help. But we will see. In some ways it would be easier if he earned less.

My DH didn’t want me to be a SAHP and I didn’t want him to be one either. I was part time (70% contract) so ended up with most of the mental load when they were small. He’s got much better lately and does loads. He reduced his hours in lockdown to help with the home schooling. Always has done plenty of housework and does all the DIY and car stuff. If one of us was redundant and we could live comfortably on one salary things would be different I guess.

It worked very well for us and my DH has always appreciated everything I did for 3DDs in the years I was at home with them. We lived overseas more than once during their childhood so there was always a lot of settling & resettling of the family to do. But I should also mention that as he was a very high earner, lack of money from a 2nd salary was never a problem

@silverfonze

Personally I think they always do I work with men with SAHP and the things they say about them, particularly after a few drinks! When kids are under 5 the husbands are supportive after that and particularly youngest kind 7/8+ most think it's a piss take but usually can't get the woman to get a job. Then the resentment sets in and the affairs of split up happens

Goodness knows why some
Women feel they have the right to doss around for decades while men have to work full time until retirement!

Yep and the resentment sets in for the wife when the DC are 7/8+ and she gets a ft job and the husband inevitably doesnt step up and do 50% of the childcare, extra-curric, food shopping, cooking and cleaning.