To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

[pigeonsfeather]

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

It depends on the STAHP - in my family it would be DH who would stay home as I'm the main earner. Being a STAHP is no way as hard as working a challenging job and the pressures that come with it as well as being financially responsible for supporting the family.
I also know my DH wouldn't do the things I would do eg learn new recipes to cook home cooked meals every night, bake, clean and tidy the way I would, do the things I would do with the kids so yes I would resent him and which is why he isn't a STAHP as our marriage would crumble

This is so true, I'm afraid being a sahp was a walk in the park compared to my old job, I had a year off mat leave with ds (baby) and 3 year old DD and it was the best year of my life. Far more easy and enjoyable than my job at the time.

I dh was the sahp holiday's wouldn't get planned, neither would any activities, the house would be drab and tatty. I would still have to "project manage" so we both work and contribute, otherwise it would build resentment. I know a woman who had her third DC at 44...an "accident"... Clearly a work swerve as other DC in school and she was running out of excuses to not get a job!!

I think there's probably a big overlap between the blokes who bitch about their wives being SAHP and their unwillingness to share the childcare or housework.

However, I do think it can lead to a power imbalance if your partner has that tendency at all. They can throw it back at you that it's their money. They can play the exhausted card cos you can nap during the day (yes sure with a toddler and a newborn and doing all the housework and childcare. Piece of piss.

So I would seriously consider whether it's better to work part time or retrain to a job that you can do from home or be self employed for flexibility.

*I think there's probably a big overlap between the blokes who bitch about their wives being SAHP and their unwillingness to share the childcare or housework.

Even if their wives worked, I meant to point out.

Men with working wives really need to step up

My husband did his half, each of my friends husbands did their half. So I think you mean those men who don’t, which are not anywhere near all.

And I agree with the pp, there are many women who give up work because rhey want to, they don’t really like it, and don’t wish to go back not all, some can’t afford child care, some have to due to their child having additional needs, but there is no doubt many do it because that’s exactly what they want.

So I’m not sure presenting it as always some form of huge maternal sacrifice is anything anyone is buying.

Silver I strongly suspect that the men that complain about their partners not pulling their weight are the same men that steadfastly refuse to lift a finger to facilitate their wives returning to work.

My dh was very supportive of me being at home with the dc, and would have been perfectly happy if I had never returned to work. I spent what I wanted and have more control over our finances than dh as I am just more organised with money than he is.

I can quite honestly say that he would never discuss our home situation with anyone at work or anywhere else, and the sort of person that doesn’t value the work that is done at home isn’t the sort of person I would choose to spend time with.

It all depends on your partner.
I have a part time income through some online work and I’d like to do a few hours a week ‘doing’ something to keep me busy.
Otherwise, I’m home with the dog, I do exercise classes, meet up with people and do almost all the housework. We can afford this and my partner is happy seeing me happy.

I strongly suspect that the men that complain about their partners not pulling their weight are the same men that steadfastly refuse to lift a finger to facilitate their wives returning to work.

Maybe some of them are. But some who complain about it replace their wives with working partners. It migjht actually he that some men aren’t suited to being the breadwinner and find the responsibility for another adult unpleasant somehow.

Sadly I don’t think people go into the situation knowing exactly how they’ll feel about it.