To wonder if partners resent a SAHP

[pigeonsfeather]

That’s not something I personally think. I’m just worrying (probably needlessly but anyway) about my/our future.

I’m going to be job hunting after maternity leave. My worry is that if I can’t find anything suitable I’ll be in a position where staying at home will have to happen even if only temporarily.

As a household we can easily afford this. I’m just worried about feeling like a drain. And it leading to resentment between us.

We agreed a set time for time at home (8 months for 1, a year for the other for various reasons) then I went back to work part time. I would not have pushed trying to be a SAHM beyond maternity leave because I think my DH may well have come to resent it. I didn't really want to either, but even if I had wanted to I would not have because I think he would have quietly resented it, yes.
To be honest, I would have understood why - it is harder to get another job the longer you take off, you take all that time out of your pension, the financial responsibility falls on one person.

I work PT & I'm at uni. Only contribute a small amount each month to dp's flat costs and he definitely resents me and how 'lucky' i am. We have dd 3 who i do majority for.

Yes

I never felt like my husband resented me when I was a sahm. He certainly didn't resent coming home every day to his dinner having been made, and the house having been cleaned.

But it was only for four years and he worked in a job that he enjoyed much more than he enjoyed the drudgery of dealing with toddler tantrums etc.

I think if he had worked in a job that he hated, and our children were at school all day, maybe he would have viewed it differently.

I sometimes resent my partner for working full time. He comes home, rests because he's tired, rests because he has work the next day, asks what's for dinner, plays a bit with DTs. When he's at work he doesn't have to figure out the logistics of going to the toilet. And he can get up and get a drink whenever he wants. Sometimes I can go 8 hours without either of those things. And then there's the aforementioned money. He will have an income. You won't. You'll be enabling him to have his income by taking on the childcare. All the while having to ask if you can buy the new eyeshadow palette you've had your eye on. And possibly being told no.

That is one example. But I would resent being resented by DP if he tried to suggest for even a second that I'm the drain on our finances, after spending all day running around after two toddlers whilst trying to wash his shirts and make his dinner.

Please remember yourself in all of this.

I don’t think so, most people appreciate how much smoother life is without childcare drop offs and having someone at home who can go to the bank or take the car to be serviced etc is really nice for the working partner. It really makes a difference. And it’s not forever. The only people who really resent that short term split of the dual parenting responsibilities of hands-on care and providing financially are ppl who were already jerks and would be jerks if you were working too.

I do think every family needs to have regular reviews of whether the setup is still working, whatever that set up is. We are really conscious that our kid may need us more as a teenager and we may need to change our working patterns at different stages of his life.

Sadly I don’t fit the PP’s silly and sexist idea of working women as ‘bitter and jealous’.....that internalised misogyny is hard to shake isn’t it?

My exh absolutely resented me staying at home. I had my own income from elsewhere so was contributing equally to the household finances.
Earlier on in the relationship, I was paying for childcare whilst working, even though he wasn't going to work or contributing financially to the household because he couldn't cope with the kids. He was definitely the laziest bastard ever. I still had to do all the domestic shit.

My DH thought I had it easy initially. Our DS had health problems and didn’t sleep for more than 3 hrs a night in total for almost the whole the first year. I handed the baby over for one day and night when I realised he thought it was easy. DH realised he’d much rather do his job, which was far easier - coffee when he wants, sat down, adult conversation, responsible for self and trained in what he’s doing. Being a SAHM is nothing to resent, it’s important work too and isn’t an easy ride really. Being responsible for a small human who cries a lot means all the cushy benefits of a job are lost. It’s much less common to be found sobbing on the stairs after a day at the office than during the SAHM baby period for a reason, so I wouldn’t worry at all about resentment.

I think there’s more risk of resentment where a DP doesn’t pull their weight, but I refuse to have low expectations of men. I couldn’t believe how many women had rubbish partners and accepted it when I had DS - it was shocking the level of ‘yeah, but he’s a man, what can you expect?’ As mum to a boy, I’d be appalled if he let his partner do all the housework and childcare and he’d be getting a right earful from me if he did.

Nicknamegoeshere

@OutOntheTilez Well according to a reliable source, the very first thing he always likes to tell new clients is that his fiancé is 18 years his junior!

You nailed it. Yep, this same guy, after the divorce was final, got engaged to another woman - 16 years his junior. Loved to brag about that one, he did. Until they married and she “accidentally” got pregnant because she wanted children and he didn’t. She roped him in good. He’ll be more than 70 years old when his child graduates high school.

I’m sorry for the abuse you suffered and hope you’re doing o.k. now

For me, I do personally resent it when my partner is out of work. I encourage him to find a new job as much as I can and contribute. I don’t mind paying the lion’s share at all as I have much more earning power, but I definitely do not feel comfortable paying for everything and completely supporting him despite him being a good Dad and taking good care of our DD. I wanted her to go to nursery anyway for the experience when she was younger which she did and she loved. My sister’s husband is the opposite however and much prefers her being a SAHM even though she once had an impressive career. It does very much vary.

Discuss with your husband
If you are in any doubt don't do it
The married guys I work with who have SAHP do slag them off,but it might just be boys talk
But on the other hand some of them seem to enjoy abdicating most of the responsibility for kids /home
It wouldn't be for me ,an equal relationship is vital for me

Being a sahp pre school years is hard work, once they're in school personally I feel it's reasonable that you both contribute financially as being a sahp with kids in school gives a person a lot of free time, being facilitated by their partners earnings. I would be resentful in this situation.

Part time was our compromise so that I still contributed but also was able to do the after school activities etc. I do see where men are coming from getting fed up with partners that just refuse to get a job using childcare as an excuse.

I live in a very café culture area. All the cafés are mobbed in the week with women chatting having coffee and cake/wine whilst kids are at school.

I have a mate like this with DC, her ex pays her mortgage, gives her +++ maintenance, pays for her car, her phone and basically bank rolls her. The kids are a lot older and less needy. Despite this she's constantly complaining and she spends a lot of time in bed sleeping off hangovers!! I can understand why he gets fed up and it causes a few raised eyebrows amongst other parents too!

Some men definitely do resent it. Like PPs I also work in a male dominated field and have heard the complaints about wives who sit at home and spend money - this is usually when their DCs are school age. What’s horrible is they’ll rubbish their wives quite casually to colleagues, it’s not like these are close personal friends of mine. And I’ve also seen the affairs they have.

A few people have said this - are the men in these environments really nice and respectful of their wives if their wives work?

My boss resents his wife being a SAHP (their youngest is 15 and the older children are all at university). He works incredibly long hours to support them, however would have had difficulty getting to his position without having a wife at home. He admitted it annoys him that his wife spends her days on leisure activities now that the children don’t particularly need looking after as such.

I don’t think anyone has mentioned pensions on here. It’s a huge reason to remain in work if you can and put away some money for the future. I’ve mostly always worked, had two years ‘off’ when we were expats, hated it and went back to work. At that time so many of my husband’s colleagues told me how much they admired me wanting to work and “would I have a word with their wives”. I think a lot of men resent non working wives but also in my DHs industry women have to make huge sacrifices for their careers and many choose not to have kids at all. There is something we call the third wife syndrome. The third wife is usually a career woman with no kids who equally contributes as the DH is paying maintenance for the first two who didn’t work, he resented and started an office affair. There is no ‘right’ answer to this one.

are the men in these environments really nice and respectful of their wives if their wives work?

Yes, in my experience. I've never heard a male colleague moan about a working wife.

SAHMs are pretty much generally resented.

I wouldn't. We are hoping my husband can become one. Just trying to increase my income more to replace his first.

@notanotherjigsawpiece

My boss resents his wife being a SAHP (their youngest is 15 and the older children are all at university). He works incredibly long hours to support them, however would have had difficulty getting to his position without having a wife at home. He admitted it annoys him that his wife spends her days on leisure activities now that the children don’t particularly need looking after as such.

This would annoy me too. SAHP should really be managing the children and home during working hours not engaging in leisure activities. Once the working day is done though, the working partner should share the remaining house and childcare responsibilities. If she is having leisure time but taking on the main role for children and house 24/7, her having leisure time in the day when the kids arent there isnt unfair.

It depends on the STAHP - in my family it would be DH who would stay home as I'm the main earner. Being a STAHP is no way as hard as working a challenging job and the pressures that come with it as well as being financially responsible for supporting the family.
I also know my DH wouldn't do the things I would do eg learn new recipes to cook home cooked meals every night, bake, clean and tidy the way I would, do the things I would do with the kids so yes I would resent him and which is why he isn't a STAHP as our marriage would crumble

It’s a tough one. Women can’t have it all. Being a SAHM means you are trying on someone else and have no financial independence. No matter what people say about family money and all that, it simply isn’t. The person going out to work has more independence that one who doesn’t.
Having a child without an amazing support network or a high income means compromises all around. Because if you don’t earn enough to pay for full time childcare then it’s not worth working and if you don’t work then expect to be resented, mostly. It would be the same the other way around if the man was SAHD, in most cases.

A few people have said this - are the men in these environments really nice and respectful of their wives if their wives work?

Yes, I don't hear moaning about the working partners.

I think women could possibly help themselves by being less openly gleeful about going off on mat leave and potentially never coming back. Getting pregnant as a 'get out of work free' move is hardly unknown and your husbands will all have heard female colleagues express these views.

You can't then credibly claim that SAH is actually harder than work. No one believes it.

@ZoeTurtle

A few people have said this - are the men in these environments really nice and respectful of their wives if their wives work?

Yes, I don't hear moaning about the working partners.

To be honest I dont hear moaning about wives who work or those who dont but then I'm not in the office alot! I do know acolleague of my husband who has bitched about the fact I work and am the breadwinner and has made comments about how nice it must be that he can afford stuff because of me or asking if I bought him something. He has a big bee in his bonnet because his wife doesnt work. However he is also of the ilk that expect dinner on the table and a perfect house. I find that those are the sort who are more inclined to moan - the ones who want the money of their wife working but also want her to sort the house and kids.

A few people have said this - are the men in these environments really nice and respectful of their wives if their wives work?

I can only comment on two of the cases where the men left their SAHM wives for women they met through work. In both situations the new wives have continued to work - even after having DCs - and they don’t complain about it.

Men with working wives really need to step up. If men are not prepared to take on 50% of the domestic load, they've no business resenting their SAHWs. Being able to concentrate solely on your job and ignore all the domestic shit is an incredible luxury.

I've discussed with DH going back to work full-time (work part-time atm), but he thinks it would be "very difficult" to reduce his hours (he does work very long hours, rarely home before 10pm) to help with nursery pick ups and drop offs and do more around the house since he is so "busy" and "tired". At the moment, the balance we have works ok for us, but if I was working full-time, earning a good salary and carrying 95% of the childcare and domestic load, I think I'd begin to question precisely what DH was bringing to the party.