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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just walk out the house and never come back?

133 replies

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:11

I have a DS 9 months old and his sleeping pattern is getting me down. No matter what I do he wakes up in the night and it’s just me getting up with him. DS’ dad works 9-5 but was out of work up until last month. Even when not at work he did absolutely fuck all, whenever DS used to wake in the night when he wasn’t working he’d knee me in the back and wake me up and tell me to take him in the living room.

I am a glorified slave, everyday I look after DS, cook, clean the house, sort the laundry. Every single night “D”P goes to his friends on the next street for 2 hours and happily sits and plays with their kids. He won’t sit with DS when he gets home so I can eat my tea or have a shower so I’m having my evening meals that late I’m suffering such bad acid reflux and indigestion. Whenever I moan he tells me “he’s your son” as though I’m not allowed any spare time.

I feel like just walking out the house as it’s 2am and I’m running off no fucking sleep tomorrow again I want to cry.

OP posts:

Littlemissdaredevil · 22/09/2020 02:23

My DH was equally shit. I booked myself into a air B’n’B for two nights. DH got home I fed DD then walked out the door and clocked off from my 12 hour shift and had a 12 hour break before returning in the morning. The two nights in the air b’n’b were blissful as I had a couple of hours to myself each evening followed by 8 hours uninterrupted sleep.

It gave DH the kick up the bum he needed.

Do you have a job? When are you going back to work? I found going back to work made things better as DH couldn’t use the excuse that he was working all day whereas I wasn’t in his eyes.

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:25

my work closed down due to covid

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 22/09/2020 02:26

The above sounds a good idea if lo is not breastfeeding. The reality check might kick in.

It sounds totally unfair. There might be some other issues as it sounds like he doesn't value you. Could you move in with your parents?

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:28

He takes the piss out of me. I’m fully sick of being told I “sit on my fat arse all day” yet his mate who he goes seeing everyday have a fraudulent claim and half his family are on the dole. I have always worked.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:32

I’ve never been able to just have an hour a day to myself. He wouldn’t watch him whilst I went to the supermarket or to the GP. DS is glued to me 24/7 and I’ve had enough of it all I just want to pack my stuff up and leave for good. I’m not my own person anymore I’m just DS Mum.

OP posts:

ulanbatorismynextstop · 22/09/2020 02:34

Fuck that, dump his sorry ass, he is absolutely no good. You'll be much happier and better off on your own. Honestly I can't believe you've allowed yourself to be treated this badly for so long!

Frownette · 22/09/2020 02:36

That's a bit odd actually, can't he take child round with the friends and their children that he visits?

You obviously need a break,no wonder you're tearing your hair out.

But no way should he be kneeing you in the back.

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:37

No he won’t take DS round there he goes straight from work. But why sit and play with their 3&4 year old but ignore his own child. If he got up with him in the morning before he started work he’d wake me up to change his nappy. I’ve just fucking had enough I hate my life.

OP posts:

Needtodecide1 · 22/09/2020 03:04

Things must seem really bleak right now. The lack of sleep will be making you feel even worse but this will not last forever. Your little one will start to sleep through the night at some point, I promise!

In the meantime, you need to think about you. Your "D"P is a selfish prick. You are a single parent anyway. You and your child deserve better and I'm sure you would feel much happier on your own with your baby. He is adding to your stress when you are already tired and run down and has no respect for you.

Could you spend some time at your parents to give you some breathing space and work out what you want to do? Perhaps they could look after your little one for a bit too to give you some time out.

You are doing a great job, even if it doesnt feel like it right now.

Nannewnannew · 22/09/2020 03:10

@Tearingmyhairout1998 You poor thing, your partner is being totally selfish and unreasonable, but you don’t need me to tell you that.
I think you need to tell him to ‘shape up or ship out’ but obviously only if you feel safe doing that. If there is any risk of violence from him then please contact Women’s Aid.
He sounds immature and I’m so sorry that you are feeling so desperate. Could you speak to your GP or HV tomorrow? You need help as soon as possible.

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 03:10

I’m just fed up. Once it gets to 5 I get so angry cos I know he’ll go round there and sit with them all happy yet I’m at home knackered and needing to wash my hair. I can’t take this anymore it’s like fucking torture. He shouldn’t even be visiting anyone anyway with all this covid stuff going on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 03:11

DS has his 9 month check tomorrow and I’m gonna have to mention the sleep. I am so tired I’m honestly debating eating two sleeping tablets tomorrow and just leaving his dad with no option but to get up. Then again he’d make everything unbearable the day after.

OP posts:

Everydayimhuffling · 22/09/2020 03:34

It's not your DS's sleeping pattern that is the problem, it's your totally useless 'D'P. The response to "he's your son", if you feel safe to make it, is "yes, he's also YOUR son". If he is abusive enough to knee you awake in the night, however, I would just leave or make him leave instead. What is the point of being with him? You would be better off alone.

Look, I can see you are hoping to fix the baby's sleep, but I have to tell you that my nearly two year old still wakes every night. Fix the partner by getting rid of him. There will be more other help available to you without him, and you won't be stuck with a useless piece of rubbish.

Can you stay with your parents for some help for a little while?

Reasonable people look after their children. They don't wander off to other people's houses to play with theirs or refuse to spend any time with them or physically abuse others so they can do nothing.

LadyH846 · 22/09/2020 03:37

@Tearingmyhairout1998

What?! I'm sorry but if my partner said all I do is "sit on my fat arse" I'd be out of there. He doesn't respect you.

Is this his child too? I'm asking because from the way he's behaving it sounds like it's only your child and not his. And he wants nothing to do with it.

Leafbeans · 22/09/2020 03:37

I don't often say this, but LTB. He sounds awful, and like he has zero respect for you and can't be arsed with his son. I left my ex for the same reason, and even though I was doing the same amount of 'work' with DS, I didn't have the resentment or an overgrown child to also deal with. Regarding his sleep, have you considered sleep training? Not all of it is leaving a child to cry.

timeisnotaline · 22/09/2020 03:40

If the friends in the next street, walk around, hand baby over to their dad, and say you’re headed out. You could play it ‘ds wants to join the fun’ or you could play it ‘I heard you were able to spend time with children and wanted to see if that extends to yours’ and to the friend- ‘he would never ever do this with his own child. Not once since he was born.’
Then go home and sleep. If he knows you’re going home, go to a friends and sleep. Keep this up until you have made plans to get him to leave - have you friends who could help kick him out? Do you know how finances would work? What is the housing situation?

Nannewnannew · 22/09/2020 03:47

@timeisnotaline

If the friends in the next street, walk around, hand baby over to their dad, and say you’re headed out. You could play it ‘ds wants to join the fun’ or you could play it ‘I heard you were able to spend time with children and wanted to see if that extends to yours’ and to the friend- ‘he would never ever do this with his own child. Not once since he was born.’ Then go home and sleep. If he knows you’re going home, go to a friends and sleep. Keep this up until you have made plans to get him to leave - have you friends who could help kick him out? Do you know how finances would work? What is the housing situation?

Agree with this.

Horehound · 22/09/2020 03:50

Leave him, don't leave your baby

TORDEVAN · 22/09/2020 04:04

Make sure you know that your DP won’t just neglect your DS before you just leave.

I’d also LTB.

And i know how hard that age is sleep wise, it will get easier ❤️ Ask your HV if there is anything they can do to help.

Frownette · 22/09/2020 04:10

@Tearingmyhairout1998

I'm not surprised.

Tell him you need some time to have a nice bath and wash and he needs to pick up child before he sees his friends or else.

It's monumentally selfish when you're so exhausted. If he's fine to play with other children he can play with his own.

Rosebel · 22/09/2020 05:05

He's clearly a cunt (your partner I mean). Just leave, it won't be any worse it'll probably be better.
Can you sleep when your LO has a nap (although I know that's usually stupid advice)? What would he do if you just put your son down and had a shower /tea?
Unfortunately I don't think he'll change. Unless you actually want to live like this then please just go. Don't let him get away with treating you so badly.

TitsOutForHarambe · 22/09/2020 05:06

This relationship is not fixable. He will never get better. His attitude is absolutely disgusting.

Please, for the sake of your physical and mental well being, leave this man. Take your DS with you (or kick your partner out - depends on what your housing situation is).

Being a single mum is much easier than parenting with a selfish, lazy dickhead in tow. There are nurseries, childminders, family and friends who can help here.

RandomUser3049 · 22/09/2020 05:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DianaT1969 · 22/09/2020 05:19

Forget your non partner. You can't fix him and it won't get better. Tap into any help you have. Family? Friends? Ask for help. Tell them you need a few hours of childcare to catch up on some sleep. You'll be just as tired as a single parent living alone. This is your reality unfortunately, so ask for help and if you don't live near family, move.

Poppyisa · 22/09/2020 05:24

@timeisnotaline

If the friends in the next street, walk around, hand baby over to their dad, and say you’re headed out. You could play it ‘ds wants to join the fun’ or you could play it ‘I heard you were able to spend time with children and wanted to see if that extends to yours’ and to the friend- ‘he would never ever do this with his own child. Not once since he was born.’ Then go home and sleep. If he knows you’re going home, go to a friends and sleep. Keep this up until you have made plans to get him to leave - have you friends who could help kick him out? Do you know how finances would work? What is the housing situation?

I agree with @timeisnotaline Do this, just as long as you’re sure your baby will be safe. And if you think your husband will just come home and hand the baby to you, go to a Friends house for some rest.

And once you’re rested and thinking straight, longer term, start putting a plan together to get rid of him. He’s completely useless.

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