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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just walk out the house and never come back?

133 replies

Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 02:11

I have a DS 9 months old and his sleeping pattern is getting me down. No matter what I do he wakes up in the night and it’s just me getting up with him. DS’ dad works 9-5 but was out of work up until last month. Even when not at work he did absolutely fuck all, whenever DS used to wake in the night when he wasn’t working he’d knee me in the back and wake me up and tell me to take him in the living room.

I am a glorified slave, everyday I look after DS, cook, clean the house, sort the laundry. Every single night “D”P goes to his friends on the next street for 2 hours and happily sits and plays with their kids. He won’t sit with DS when he gets home so I can eat my tea or have a shower so I’m having my evening meals that late I’m suffering such bad acid reflux and indigestion. Whenever I moan he tells me “he’s your son” as though I’m not allowed any spare time.

I feel like just walking out the house as it’s 2am and I’m running off no fucking sleep tomorrow again I want to cry.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 22/09/2020 08:17

Also a thought but are you 99% certain he's with his friend and not another woman (because I wouldn't want my friend or husbands friend round every day, once a week maybe) or if he is at the house they're not his children?
I'm sorry. I know you're exhausted and stressed but his excuse for where he is sounds off.
Even if it is just a friend he's still a bastard. Please talk to your HV at the check up. You can't carry on like this.
Oh and if he knees you in the back again, do the same to him between his legs.

greengreengrass14 · 22/09/2020 08:17

Whatever you do, and no matter how tired you are, my advice to you is to take your kids with you. Even if you get out for a break with the youngest you can still sit in a cafe in a corner for a while. Small breaks if you don't feel able to do larger steps.

You could still, if you have the funds go to the hairdresser. It might give you a lift. Yes, i know it is not everything and only a small thing. But small steps may help.

LannieDuck · 22/09/2020 08:20

What's the point of having him around?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 22/09/2020 08:23

Leave. At least you will have only 1 baby instead of two to look after.

sunshinesheila · 22/09/2020 08:24

You will always be your ds mum. That's just the way it is now. Tho you have a choice if you put up with this shit or not. Get shut of him, sounds worse than useless. You and we would have a much happier life just the two of you with you choosing how you live. Yes the sleeping is shit, he is still a baby and this will get better with time. The relationship will not get better, it will be worse and worse. Don't let your ds grow up watching you accept this kind of disrespect towards his mum. He will think that's alright if you do. And it is not right at all.

You will get loads of good advice on here of you want to get rid of him

yecannyshoveyergranny · 22/09/2020 08:25

Please leave him. Who's house is it?

I've been a single parent with a baby. You will be much less angry and resentful without him around. Join a few sleep groups on Facebook too and see if any of the advice is helpful.

3rdNamechange · 22/09/2020 08:28

I think you know what you need to do. He brings nothing to your life.
I know it's easier said than done.
Before you or he leaves though , go out the door and don't return all day.

Nicelunch25 · 22/09/2020 08:29

I had a "partner" like this. He kicked me to wake me up when I was completely shattered recovering from a c section. I did what others have suggested - ran out of the house one day and left him with DS. It didn't solve anything though. I felt so anxious as I didn't know if my baby was safe with him and he was awful to me when I came back. The only answer I found was to leave my useless ex. Things got better once I could have faith in myself without him calling me names, get help from Creche (my health visitor got me this for free once I was honest with her about what was actually going on) it is hard to leave but I think it's the only way it'll get better. Can you imagine treating another Human being the way he is treating you?! Let alone one who has had your child. It's really evil in my opinion. He knows you are tired and he knows you want a break but he's choosing not to give you it. One measly hour to have a bath would probably make you ridiculously grateful and happy and he is choosing not to give you that. What a piece of shit he is. I'm sure you have communicated with him otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You have my sympathies. Going without sleep is torturous.

Mylittlepony374 · 22/09/2020 08:30

You poor thing. I feel for you. Joining in the chorus of leave, take your baby and leave your fucking cunt of a partner. Tell your health visitor tomorrow everything you have said here and ask for her help / advice in leaving. It's not your child's sleep that's the issue, it's your abusive partner saying you 'sit on your fat arse' kneeing you in the back, waking you up to change a nappy. Get rid of him and things will be easier.

MrsMaglev · 22/09/2020 08:34

Echoing others OP this is not a partner, it's a liability. Get him out and get yourself some support and sleep, everything will be easier once you've had some rest.

FlamingoQueen · 22/09/2020 08:36

Do you think his friend could be putting some of these thoughts in his head? Am so not excusing him, but perhaps his friend speaks to his other half like it and he thinks it’s the norm?
However, that does not excuse his behaviour at all and I think you would be better off without him. I wonder if all the stress is harming your relationship with your baby. My dh was pretty hopeless with the kids when they were younger, but at least he was a decent bloke, he tried! Without the stress of living with him I bet you will deal with the baby so much better. It’s hard work at the best of times, but feeling angry and cross will make it so much worse and you will end up resenting the one person who solely relies on you (the baby not dp).

Justjoshin22 · 22/09/2020 08:39

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. No wonder you’re frustrated and resentful and being knackered just makes it worse.
I agree with others - you can’t continue like this and your OH doesn’t sound like he has many redeeming features.
On the sleepless nights, have a look at Little Ones programme. Really helped me get My little one into a routine and sleep better at night. There are no guarantees, every baby is different and you just need to ride regressions sometimes but it helped me so thought it was worth mentioning.

Original poster
Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 08:40

@FlamingoQueen
I don’t know, he’s always with his kids though and is a nice lad, I find it weird tho how is OH thinks it’s normal for him to spend 2 hours a day there tho, I’d have thought she’d say something

OP posts:
petingo · 22/09/2020 08:40

Speaking as a man,this guy sounds like a total AH.Leave.

annabel85 · 22/09/2020 08:48

He's a scumbag

IntermittentParps · 22/09/2020 08:53

He thinks you’re a slave. Leave him.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/09/2020 08:54

Agree this is not a fixable relationship.
Hes bringing nothing to your life and killing your self esteem.
My partner was helpful but I was still on my knees with sleep deprivation. Go to your parents if you can for a few days.
Then kick him out.
I wouldnt leave your baby with him as I wouldn't trust him but you know him best, maybe that's not an issue.
He does sound abusive, this is him showing his true colours sadly now he thinks hes 'got you'.

Longdistance · 22/09/2020 08:56

@Tearingmyhairout1998 who’s is the house? Can you somehow get him out. You are effectively a single parent. Your p is the problem here. Your reflux could be caused by the stress.

Original poster
Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 08:57

DS is lovely as well so it hurts me and winds me up to think that when he’s trying to play with his dad to no avail, that his dads been playing with his mates kids for hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 08:58

@Longdistance it’s a housing association but both on the tenancy, the reflux is deffo stress, ive had a barium swallow to check for anything else and nothing

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/09/2020 09:00

Don't leave a HA, that's you and DS's security.
You need to kick your partner out though, he's a useless lump of shite.

Original poster
Tearingmyhairout1998 · 22/09/2020 09:02

His family are the same so i can’t expect much else from him, they’re all fucking selfish as shit. I found out on Sunday my nana has vulvar cancer as well so I’ve got that to deal with, DS’s sleeping, being crippled with fatigue and this heartburn problem

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 22/09/2020 09:03

Don’t leave your son with him, it doesn’t sound like he’d worry about going out himself and leaving him alone in the house. But you are basically a single parent, he doesn’t respect you and it won’t get better. Just get rid of him.

FunTimes2020 · 22/09/2020 09:07

P!ease leave this arsehole. Once you have, you will be so relieved. Flowers

LovelyLovelyMe · 22/09/2020 09:22

Don't leave the HA-that is your bit of security.

Could you do less chores in the day? Give the bathroom and kitchen a 10 minute wipe in the morning, hoover the spots where your son might crawl, put out and rubbish and leave it at that. Stick a pizza in the oven for supper. Do Less.

Have you a carry cot that you could put your son in for regular 20 minutes throughout the day? He doesn't have to be attached to you all the time.