To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

From the replies from people here saying that they wouldn’t get involved, wouldn’t question, wouldn’t think it was strange, it’s not hard to see why so many young girls end up in abusive relationships and go on to repeat the pattern time and time again.

In fact on mn it seems the term “mind your own business” in fact means “turn a blind eye. That goes for children, siblings, friends....

The parents going on all their dates and wanting to bring her on holiday would have me very concerned. Just what is their agenda?

Thats my biggest worry. There's alot to be said for mothers intuition. Its a bad world out there and trust needs to be earned.

@cinderelly

The parents going on all their dates and wanting to bring her on holiday would have me very concerned. Just what is their agenda?

Thats my biggest worry. There's alot to be said for mothers intuition. Its a bad world out there and trust needs to be earned.

So you have an agenda when you do things? I don't

They sound dreadful. I wouldn’t want my daughter mixing with them at all, let alone going on holiday with them.
Let’s hope your daughter realises the boyfriend is unsuitable and ends it.

@AlternativePerspective

From the replies from people here saying that they wouldn’t get involved, wouldn’t question, wouldn’t think it was strange, it’s not hard to see why so many young girls end up in abusive relationships and go on to repeat the pattern time and time again.

In fact on mn it seems the term “mind your own business” in fact means “turn a blind eye. That goes for children, siblings, friends....

I find this highly offensive. As the child of DV that I hope you can only dream about, you have no idea how wrong you are.

People remain in abusive relationships when they feel trapped and isolated. That is a concept created by the abuser and reinforced by judgemental friends and family that you feel that you cannot approach for support without questions. OP is passing judgment and pushing her child away.

Unless you have experience, you haven't the first idea what you're talking about.

I didn't realize parents having to meet each other was a thing for what's effectively grown-ups dating? I don't think any of my teen boyfriends' parents formally met mine. They got to know them in time.

Yes technically they shouldn'tve let her had a drink.

Lockdown has also been a thing and you could've encouraged her to follow that.

I don’t think you’re controlling at all. I’d be very worried if I was in your situation. Yes she’s nearly 18 but she’s still your daughter and living with you so you have every right to be concerned. His family sound as dodgy as hell and they clearly have no interest or respect for you as her parent,that in itself is a red flag. To invite her on holiday when they’ve only met a couple of times is just odd. I definitely wouldn’t allow it.

The parents going on all their dates and wanting to bring her on holiday would have me very concerned. Just what is their agenda?

Their agenda is probably that they want to go on holiday with their son, and he wants to bring his girlfriend, so they've asked her to come along too?

Seeing as they are so laid back, I would be especially careful about being too strict with her, as there's the chance that they might offer to let her stay a while or move in if you end up falling out, and there won't be much you can do if that happens.

@cinderelly

The parents going on all their dates and wanting to bring her on holiday would have me very concerned. Just what is their agenda?

Thats my biggest worry. There's alot to be said for mothers intuition. Its a bad world out there and trust needs to be earned.

In some families 18 is considered an adult. They see him as their adult son and they genuinely enjoy his company and feel they can booze with him. Each to their own.

@TitsOutForHarambe

And by the way. We are expected to pay for this.

Oh wow! That's interesting. My last comment is invalid, in that case, as I had assumed that his parents were paying, or perhaps she was paying for herself.

I would not be dictated to by a 17 year old when it comes to my own money. That's ridiculous. She doesn't get to demand that you pay for her to go on holiday with her boyfriend, and I would go as far to say that it would be really bad parenting to give in to that. What sort of lesson does that teach?

To be fair she isn't demanding that she should go. This has come as much as a surprise to her as it has to us. They are demanding an answer after springing it on her a week ago and her bf has 'flipped' because they booked a villa assuming she was coming. Its been mentioned twice in a week and she's only known them just over 2 weeks

Sounds like some weird form of grooming involving the whole family.

I think you are right to do everything in your power to prevent her from going abroad with this oddly disrespectful family and to protect her.

@cinderelly yeah... they're nuts.

It sounds to me like this will all work itself out pretty quickly. Just be there to comfort your daughter when it all blows up.

@cinderelly

So his parents haven't gone on all their dates, they've been out twice in the fortnight they've known her.

I'm signing off here. OP, please listen have a word with yourself and stop only listening to those who feed your own narrative.

@Dita73

I don’t think you’re controlling at all. I’d be very worried if I was in your situation. Yes she’s nearly 18 but she’s still your daughter and living with you so you have every right to be concerned. His family sound as dodgy as hell and they clearly have no interest or respect for you as her parent,that in itself is a red flag. To invite her on holiday when they’ve only met a couple of times is just odd. I definitely wouldn’t allow it.

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Funny how I'm being accused of being controlling. All I've done so far is give her lifts when she has asked.

I'm.not the one turning up on their dates and putting pressure on a 17 yo girl to go on holiday in a villa with a family she has only just met.

@IncandescentSilver

Sounds like some weird form of grooming involving the whole family.

I think you are right to do everything in your power to prevent her from going abroad with this oddly disrespectful family and to protect her.

100% red flag. Cant believe peoples naivety If they had nothing to hide - why not get in touch with us. Common courtesy.

@AlternativePerspective

From the replies from people here saying that they wouldn’t get involved, wouldn’t question, wouldn’t think it was strange, it’s not hard to see why so many young girls end up in abusive relationships and go on to repeat the pattern time and time again.

In fact on mn it seems the term “mind your own business” in fact means “turn a blind eye. That goes for children, siblings, friends....

I've not seen a single post saying don't get involved at all. People are telling the OP she needs to pick her battles and deal with this smartly.

The fact that the OP is controlling in some ways (a 17 year old shouldn't need her parents permission to go out) will actually enable people like BFs, if they are so minded, to put walls between the OP and her DD by pointing this out and picking at it.

By going straight to "they're weird" and saying no to everything (which is exactly how the DD will see the OP atm) then, if the BF is abusive or weird or whatever, then the OP is unwittingly playing into their hands.

It is very, very difficult to get the doors of communicaiton opened with teens once they are slammed shut.

Have you met the boyfriend yet?
It’s been what 2 months??? That’s insanely intense to go from chatted on twitter to going to a foreign country on holiday as soon as she turns 18, drinking with the “parents”...
But then you add in deliberately trying to drive wedge between your daughter and her parents by saying your controlling etc.

It’s not right. The relationship isn’t right and sets up all the red flags. In fact it’s a sea of red flags.

Try talking to her in a non confrontational way about what she would think if it was a one of her friends.
It’s really hard to see your relationship from the outside when it’s so smothering from the inside.

If they had nothing to hide - why not get in touch with us. Common courtesy.

Because your DD doesn't want them too

You need to kinda forget about them in round about way. What they do, should do, or don't do wouldn't matter if your DD wanted you to meet the BF.

That's what you need to work on. Your DD is keeping you separate for a reason and that's the thing you need to overcome, because once she's onside to that then they have two choices; they either meet you or they become the unreasonable ones saying no.

You can't influence them or their behaviour, you can influence your daughter, but you need to do it in a positive and smart way.

I really do get why cinder is concerned but, frankly, what can she do about it? If the girl has enough funds to finance the holiday there is no law to stop her going.

I do have a feeling the holiday won't happen, we can live in hope but in the meantime it's best to just see how events unfold; maybe the op and her husband can get to know boyfriend a bit and even invite his parents around. His drunken mother sounds awful but I doubt she is drunk all the time.

There is no law to stop a 17 year old girl sleeping at her boyfriend's house and laying down the law is only going to make things worse. However I think parents do have a few levers while a child is still in education and living in their home.

Cool it, op, and let us know how things go.

It's a worrying situation but might not be as bad as it appears.

What will you daughter be expected to pay towards? Her flights? Or part of the villa too?

Make sure she knows that no matter what her choices are or what happens she has Always has somewhere safe to return to.

@RudieSmithy

OP is handling this badly with the best intentions.

She has a big birthday coming which legally grants her a lot of decision making privileges. You have a birthday to consider, though it may seem minor. It's a milestone she will remember, don't f*ck it up.

She is asking to go abroad on a trip that will more than likely be cancelled. You don't need to say it, common sense dictates it.

You do seem overbearing, whether it's because you are I don't know but it is how your daughter is reading you. On the cusp of adulthood you have got to change tactic and keep her onboard or she will become more secretive.

You have to show that you trust her, even if you don't. That will keep your relationship strong so that you can teach her. No comments about the other parents or the son flipping out unless she asks for your advice. Yes, his parents are likely dog rough but to her they're parents who are relaxed, allow her to drink (too much, doesn't need rubbing in) and recognise her as the adult she thinks she is. Your actions don't recognise her as that.

Sit her down, tell her you care and that you're sorry that it hasn't come across well. Tell her you trust her. Share your own experiences if you have any. Share your concerns too. Do not make a decision on the holiday and don't say no. Tell her you'd like to meet her bf. when you do treat them as young adults. If she's smart then the red flags are there for her too and she will reach her own decision with supportive guidance from you but only if she feels she can ask. If you talk to her about safe sex now she won't listen.

Their villa is booked, she isn't a cost in that regard. This decision can wait, Boris may be the bad cop for you. Tell her you won't make a decision yet, you'd like to get to know the bf. if it's really important to her you'll think about it properly and decide later on. The emphasis right now has to be on keeping lines of communication open with her and if you carry on as you are you're shutting those all down.

@rudiesmithy the approach you have suggested is the exact approach we took 7 days ago.

Unfortunately a decision cannot wait as they are pushing and pushing for an answer and when she politely declined she was accused of having controlling parents.

I will take some comments on board I appreciate she is becoming an adult but that does not mean I am going to feed her to the wolves because she is nearly 18.

it does sound dodgy. the whole thing.
how do you even know they are his parents.
you don't really know anything about them. neither does yr dd.
there are some dodgy people out there.
when i was 17/18 i would not have been so aware of this fact.
cannot put an old head on young shoulders.
perhaps they have done this with other young girls.
maybe into two-way mirrors, porn pics, who knows.

Let’s hope your daughter realises the boyfriend is unsuitable and ends it

Most Teenagers do exactly the opposite of what their parents want.

I would be going along with it all in a “Thats nice dear” kind of way

Let’s all go out together.

Then you drip feed a few questions and observations over the coming months like
Do his parents come on every date.

You do need time alone with your bf.

Why don’t you book a proper holiday for just the 2 of you next summer.

Are you sure you aren’t getting your hopes up given how this virus is going.

We could be in lockdown in December and it might not go ahead or if it does I doubt a lot of things will be open.

If you want them to break up then give your approval and welcome him and his family into your lives.

I think the chances of holidays to Spain going ahead in the coming months are about as good as winning next Fridays Euro Millions

@Mypathtriedtokillme

Make sure she knows that no matter what her choices are or what happens she has Always has somewhere safe to return to.

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