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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

504 replies

cinderelly · 21/09/2020 22:55

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 23/09/2020 10:56

Shes 17 nearly 18 and needs to learn for herself. She´s not 7. She knows they are arseholes and when the gilt wears off the gingerbread she will move on. Don´t antagonise her unnecessarily as you will make him look like prince charming. Remember she´s a teen.

AlternativePerspective · 23/09/2020 11:20

@ SVRT19674 read the thread. Ffs.

As for “she needs to make her own mistakes,” if the OP had just left her to do that in six months, a year, two years she could be in a seriously abusive relationship.

Two women a week die at the hands of their partners. I wonder how many of those ended up in abusive relationships because their parents felt that “they need to make their own mistakes.”

Someone upthread accused me of being offensive by suggesting that, but in truth while most parents absolutely would look out for their children, clearly there are some (plenty in fact if this thread is anything to go by) who seem to think that children are responsible for themselves and have to learn their own lessons as soon as they reach the age of consent. If no-one ever tells you they feel uncomfortable about something how do you ever learn those boundaries for yourself?

If your best friend was clearly in an abusive relationship would you not mention to them you felt uncomfortable about certain things? Even if you didn’t blatantly interfere?

People need support. They don’t feel they are getting that support if no-one actually ever says anything to them.

Mittens030869 · 23/09/2020 11:53

AlternativePerspective I agree with you again. We all remained silent when my DSis married her abusive exH. None of us thought them a good match, but, as she was then 29, we didn't feel that it was our place to interfere with her choices.

It turned out that he was £17k in debt and was abusive. But she went ahead with the wedding (he told her about the debt two weeks before the wedding), because she wasn't 'that shallow'.

Whereas if we'd been open with our reservations before, then she might have felt able to end the relationship rather than gone ahead with the marriage.

It's not about treating someone like a child, it's caring enough for someone to warn them if you see that they're potentially walking into danger.

helpmum2003 · 23/09/2020 11:56

OP i think you handled it perfectly, well done

Ginfordinner · 23/09/2020 12:20

@helpmum2003

OP i think you handled it perfectly, well done
So do I
Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 14:23

@dontdisturbmenow

My instincts were absolutely spot on about the parents but I had no idea until this morning how controlling the bf was. My initial anger is now pity for them. He has serious issues and needs professional help Sorry but I think you're very gullible. Who are you to judge this family you've never met going only by what your daughter told you. Your daughter who has gone from thinking they were wonderful and desperately wanted to go away with at Christmas to considering all of them to be abusers and wierdos in just an hour or so.

It all sounds very dramatic and immature.

I havent got the desire or the time to sit and justify my parenting style to those who criticise me for "controlling". I'm just relieved in the outcome.

I just want you in particular to know that you are the judgemental one and you have no idea what you are talking about.

To say my findings have been dramatic is an understatement. After some digging - its come to light that the parents were the subject of a BBC documentary after being involved in a court case that shocked the country a couple of years back.

So next time any MNs feel the need to try and shame another mother - think carefully because you never really know the full story. Never in a million years would I have believed what I have discovered in the last 24 hours and to say she has dodged a bullet is an understatement. I am definitely not the gullible one @dontdisturbmenow

OP posts:
Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 14:25

@AlternativePerspective

@ SVRT19674 read the thread. Ffs.

As for “she needs to make her own mistakes,” if the OP had just left her to do that in six months, a year, two years she could be in a seriously abusive relationship.

Two women a week die at the hands of their partners. I wonder how many of those ended up in abusive relationships because their parents felt that “they need to make their own mistakes.”

Someone upthread accused me of being offensive by suggesting that, but in truth while most parents absolutely would look out for their children, clearly there are some (plenty in fact if this thread is anything to go by) who seem to think that children are responsible for themselves and have to learn their own lessons as soon as they reach the age of consent. If no-one ever tells you they feel uncomfortable about something how do you ever learn those boundaries for yourself?

If your best friend was clearly in an abusive relationship would you not mention to them you felt uncomfortable about certain things? Even if you didn’t blatantly interfere?

People need support. They don’t feel they are getting that support if no-one actually ever says anything to them.

Flowers
OP posts:
Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 14:31

Thank you.
And thanks for your advice and support. It was much appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2020 14:54

Gosh. I’m so glad your dd confided in you. I can’t believe people are still arguing that you’re controlling. Obviously you’re not going to inform us of what you discovered. But I’m sure it has made you want to give your dd a great big hug and given her the confidence to trust in your judgment. You’ve played this situation very well with your dd.

I presume, if warranted, you will be informing the college on what you discovered about the family.

jessstan2 · 23/09/2020 14:59

Well done, op. I'm glad your daughter has seen the light before things went any further.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 23/09/2020 15:04

Thank goodness for you being a ‘ controlling mum’ OP and following your instincts 💐
Seeing such a potentially sinister situation developing in front of you is really chilling, well done for handling it so well —despite the howls from many vociferous MNers—

birthdaybelle · 23/09/2020 15:06

Ooh I really want to know who they are

(Shameless gossip that I am)

Imworthit · 23/09/2020 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 15:10

@birthdaybelle

Ooh I really want to know who they are

(Shameless gossip that I am)

Grin you really don't! Trust me.
OP posts:
Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 15:12

@Mummyoflittledragon

Gosh. I’m so glad your dd confided in you. I can’t believe people are still arguing that you’re controlling. Obviously you’re not going to inform us of what you discovered. But I’m sure it has made you want to give your dd a great big hug and given her the confidence to trust in your judgment. You’ve played this situation very well with your dd.

I presume, if warranted, you will be informing the college on what you discovered about the family.

100% - As duty of care they need to be informed.
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2020 15:14

100% - As duty of care they need to be informed

And then college will have a duty of care to keep your dd safe as well as others. I do hope he drops the course. Flowers

Original poster
cinderelly · 23/09/2020 15:19

@Imworthit

Your a bit psycho I lived half the world away at 18. Your very controlling.
Its you're a bit pyscho [smile]*@Imworthit (BTW you're really not worth it)
OP posts:
MrsMariaReynolds · 23/09/2020 15:37

Op, you have done exactly the right thing here. You followed your motherly instinct. I would have done the same for my child. Sad that others confuse "protecting" with "controlling."

jessstan2 · 23/09/2020 16:15

@birthdaybelle

Ooh I really want to know who they are

(Shameless gossip that I am)

I do too and am not a gossip, just intrigued. The op won't be allowed to give details but - maybe subtle hints?
HowLongToXmas · 23/09/2020 16:32

Each person is different - someone at 18 could be very mature, able to move out, earn an income and build a happy, successful life. Someone else may not last a day away from mum and dad. And then there's everything in between. I don't have kids but I don't subscribe to the belief that once you turn 18 you can do as you please. There is plenty an 18-year old can't legally do so to think that suddenly at 18 a person can/should successfully look after themselves is wrong IMO.

northprincess · 23/09/2020 21:29

They sound horrible!

I wouldn't let my DD go but I would try and talk to her sensibly rather than just saying No straight away.

I would also be pointing out how awkward it might be to go on holiday with people you don't really know.

I would also say - why not edit and if you're still together next year go then.

SuitedandBooted · 23/09/2020 22:00

Well done OP.

Ginfordinner · 23/09/2020 22:14

@northprincess Read the OP's updates FFS!

sunglassesonthetable · 23/09/2020 23:34

Sad that others confuse "protecting" with "controlling."

exactly

Incrediblytired · 29/09/2020 22:42

I’m so glad you’ve been able to support your daughter through this op. You’re a great parent.

I swear on Mumsnet, the time of day you post has a massive effect on the answers you receive. There were red flags everywhere from this relationship. I hope your daughter has a better experience next time