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Original poster

To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

504 replies

cinderelly · 21/09/2020 22:55

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 21/09/2020 23:21

I think one of our jobs as parents is to sit back and allow our older children to make mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces if/when it all goes wrong.

You don’t get to “vet” your daughter’s boyfriends or their families. It will be hard but you’ve got to take half a step back and bite your tongue in half.

As for the holiday - I’m not sure it’s a good idea to ban her. But make it clear you will not be financing it - old enough to go on holiday with a boyfriend = old enough to pay for it herself. If there are consequences for her missing college then she needs to take that in the chin.

And have the chat about contraception and STI’s!!

ClareBlue · 21/09/2020 23:26

Ok, been here. Whilst we wouldn't say we got it all right we have come out the other side relatively ok. So from experience:

  1. Avoid laying down the law and giving ultimatements at this stage.
  2. Say you are a bit concerned because you do not know the family. Don't personalise it on the boyfriend or family. Say you would like to meet them before.
  3. Do whatever to meet them. Even if a piss up in a pub is not your scene, go anyway.
  4. Whatever you do do not say anything negative about BF or family.
  5. If she is going, ask how it is going to be paid for. Don't offer any financial support, but don't say she can not go.
  6. It's a long time till 10 Dec and things change but if you over react then your daughter will become more determined to go. The chances of it lasting with a boy who flips like this are low, but if it becomes them against you it might prolong. It might even prolong past when your daughter realised it is not good.
  7. Be there for her when it goes wrong and never say you told here so.
  8. If she ends up going, it won't be as bad as you think. It will all be part of her growing up. Try to keep communication with the family however hard it is. Don't look for fights. They will probably be history soon enough. Your daughter will always be your daughter.

And for some perspective, what were you doing at 17 and how did you turn out?

Original poster
cinderelly · 21/09/2020 23:27

why would the bf say this tho? My daughter and I have a great relationship and ive never stopped her from doing anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinderelly · 21/09/2020 23:30

totally agree....but when the parents sound like predators how can I turn a blind eye?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/09/2020 23:33

@cinderelly

why would the bf say this tho? My daughter and I have a great relationship and ive never stopped her from doing anything.
You said no to her staying over with him when she text you.

To be frank, at 17 she shouldn't be asking your permission. She should be having the manners to let you know she's staying out. Whilst his parents do sound OTT, it's also odd (and slightly controlling) that your daughter needs to ask permission to do things.

Treating her as a kid won't help. She has to make her own decisions and your best bet is to have the communication with her so that she includes you when she's making decisions, rather than you saying no and her getting the arse.

At the moment it's not helping because it is controlling to be telling a 17yo what to do, so he can give her examples. You need to take those opportunities away because the more it's a battle of you vs him the more likely she is to stray toward him.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/09/2020 23:39

Well, he wanted her to stay over (wonder why...) and he wants her to go on holiday and she is saying you won't let her. It does effectively give him ammunition.

ClareBlue · 21/09/2020 23:40

The BF is using emotional manipulation and your daughter has no experience in dealing with it. Those saying she is 18 and it is all her choice are wrong. We can all be vulnerable at any stage in our life and those close to us should support us, especially parents.
This is different to interfering or controlling our children or their lives and most parents recognise it is a difficult balancing act to get right. One way to help is by sharing experiences.

Pandacub7 · 21/09/2020 23:41

Your DD and bf have moved very very fast. She’s so young and this is her first bf. Maybe you could have a gentle chat about her truly getting to know the guy first, but don’t be judgemental as you’ll push her away.

Also, she should be out having fun with her bf... without his parents gatecrashing all their dates. Their behaviour is so weird and I’d be embarrassed if my parents did that... and I’m in my 20s and long term relationship! I’d be mortified if that happened in my teens.

TitsOutForHarambe · 21/09/2020 23:43

You sound overly involved and a bit controlling, but these parents sound like a liability. Perhaps you have been so controlling about this situation because you're so uncomfortable with his parents. From what you've said, I would be very uncomfortable too. But I wouldn't deal with this by telling her she isn't allowed to go on holiday with him. She's a bit too old for that and it will probably just result in you pushing hee further away and into the arms of her boyfriend.

SelkieQualia · 21/09/2020 23:44

She will be an adult - you can't stop her. The tears and drama are unfortunate, but hardly unusual at that age. It is really odd and controlling that a 17yo is asking permission to stay at her boyfriend's house.

solidaritea · 21/09/2020 23:45

I think ClareBlue's advice is just right.

I don't have teenagers, but I did have a very similar situation to the one you've described when I was a teenager, about 15.

My parents allowed me to stay over, but did do a lot of "here's why I'm not fully comfortable". I felt respected and actually chose not to have sex despite the BF's parents' having us share a room and the boyfriend being rather keenHmm. I was old enough to know what I was comfortable with and had been raised well enough to know that my decisions were my own. I'm sure my parents were worried sick, but I was fine and my relationship with them was strong throughout my young adult years, which probably meant they had less worry in the long term.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/09/2020 23:45

You both sound as weird as each other.

Wouldn’t let your 17- nearly 18 year old daughter sleep out at her boyfriends house.

Demanding to meet the parents before she gos on holiday with them.

Far too controlling.

Scbchl · 21/09/2020 23:46

You sound completely overbearing.

Original poster
cinderelly · 21/09/2020 23:47

I see what your saying. I didnt ask my parents permission for anything at that age. However my parents would never have allowed a bf to sleep over after only knowing him 3 months. If only we could be more Lioness like and completely detach from our pups exactly when they need it!

Do you not find his parents unreasonable? How would you react to their behaviour? That is my real issue here. I find them quite predatory.

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 21/09/2020 23:48

Am I right in thinking that you have never actually met the boyfriend? Forget about the parents, that is the odd thing here.

Does she have money to pay for the holiday?

When you say the parents are “predators” what do you think they are trying to do to your daughter?

Wryt · 21/09/2020 23:48

I'd invite them all around for dinner, in a firm way. Talk it over, find out what's going on.

Original poster
cinderelly · 21/09/2020 23:49

my sentiments exactly. Thankyou

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 21/09/2020 23:50

‘ despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon’

You reluctantly ‘let’ your daughter visit her boyfriends house after refusing her to stay over night.

😐

Jellybeansincognito · 21/09/2020 23:50

Why do you think they’re predatory?

shinynewapple2020 · 21/09/2020 23:51

@Jellybeansincognito

You both sound as weird as each other.

Wouldn’t let your 17- nearly 18 year old daughter sleep out at her boyfriends house.

Demanding to meet the parents before she gos on holiday with them.

Far too controlling.

This

hammeringinmyhead · 21/09/2020 23:51

I don't understand what you mean by "predatory". It's possible they're just keen because he's a grumpy belligerent teenage boy and they want someone to keep him out of their hair on holiday.

TinaTurnoff · 21/09/2020 23:52

The whole set-up with his parents would be red flags for me. Are they booking a shared bedroom for your daughter and the BF? There is a peer pressure at okay here and it’s but just from the boyfriend: there’s an expectation being played by the parents too ...

TinaTurnoff · 21/09/2020 23:52

At play, not at okay ^^

Wryt · 21/09/2020 23:54

Although, when I think of it, I used to stay with my boyfriends' parents without introducing them to my mother first. She would have met my boyfriend though.

gluteustothemaximus · 21/09/2020 23:55

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind is bang on. Good luck.

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