To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

I'd be most concerned about your daughter's judgment and level of maturity. They don't seem great, honestly.

I stayed at my ex’s house loads of times before our parents met. Maybe the mom was hostile because your DD and her bf have been saying you’re controlling.

It’s not surprising when she’s still treated like a child @Aquamarine1029

Perhaps if she wasn’t treated like a child and controlled she wouldn’t be so desperate for this opportunity and would feel secure enough to end the relationship if it’s not right too.

I can’t get my head around why both you and his parents are so heavily involved in your 17/18 year olds relationships.

Its the fact that she has kept everyone separate. Including her friends.
I wasn't bothered about meeting him or his parents until they started crashing their dates and taking the relationship from 0-60 in 10 days.
I cant understand how any parent would turn a blind eye to this. Its plain wierd! Seems common courtesy isn't that common then. I wouldn't dream of putting a parent through this. And by the way. We are expected to pay for this.

I wouldn't like it, not one bit ,but I have never encountered people like this with regard to my children and their friends.
Like you, I would have wanted to meet the parents, and now you know why she did not want you to meet with them.
You do not know what has been said, and it's no point asking, so what you do is talk to your daughter about your lives, and tell her you care about her and don't understand why the mother spoke to you like that.
Don't push her away. I think you have to let her decide what to do, in respect of the holiday, much as you want to say 'NO' I don't think you should; but let her realise you are there for her even though you do not like the situation.
When it all goes wrong (which it will) she needs to know you will be there for her and not saying 'I told you so'.
It's shit being a mother of teenagers no matter how old they are. Some of them never grow up, but they are still yours x x

I was wondering what you meant by predatory, too.
They just sound like they have different values and social norms to you and your daughter knows it. I had a partner of 5 years who's mum met my mum once and who's dad never met my mum between 17 and 22, so maybe it is the norm not to meet.

God, thinking about it, I have been with my partner 29 years and my mum and their mum have met 5 times, including our wedding and the events we had the few days afterwards. They live in different Countries but still....

This is a very over used expression but I really think you do have issues going on, Why is ok for you to dictate to her at 17 but when someone else does this raised flags for you?

If I was her I would be feeling being dictated is normal as you are doing it to her so it is normal for her to have people around her who do.

I think you need to seriously look at the way you are acting towards her and stop controlling her.

And by the way. We are expected to pay for this.

Hell, op, this makes the whole problem go away. Tell your daughter immediately she's not going because you're not paying. End of discussion. If she's so grown up, she can pay for herself.

Gran Canaria isn't "half way across the world", it's about a 4 hour flight. If covid wasn't around with potential travel changes then she'd easily be able to fly home early if needed.

I think you need to take a bit of a step back. She's nearly 18, she needs to start making her own decisions (and mistakes, only way to learn).

Out of interest, what exactly do you think his 'predatory' parents are going to do? You've only meet them briefly once, how did you get the predatory vibe already?

How old is her boyfriend?

@cinderelly

Its the fact that she has kept everyone separate. Including her friends. I wasn't bothered about meeting him or his parents until they started crashing their dates and taking the relationship from 0-60 in 10 days. I cant understand how any parent would turn a blind eye to this. Its plain wierd! Seems common courtesy isn't that common then. I wouldn't dream of putting a parent through this. And by the way. We are expected to pay for this.

Putting you through this?

You are being incredibly dramatic with language like that.

It’s quite possible they’ve seen how fast and intense the relationship has become between your DD and their son and have asked to meet her. The fact their son and your DD are comfortable spending time with them isn’t an instant sign of them being predatory, it could simply mean that they have a good relationship with their son.

Your language toward your daughter is controlling. Not “letting” her stay over, “reluctantly” letting her visit on the Sunday... this is an almost 18-year-old. You called his parents weird.

If what you want your daughter to do is to tell you nothing and to gravitate toward the boyfriend and his parents you are going exactly the right way about it.

I could well have been the boy in this situaltion!

Very working class our lot were, met this lovely girl parents were deffo wannabe social climbers middle class and they never met my parents.

However i was made to feel quite awkward when staying at their place they were asking me such bloody stupid questions as;

"Well what golf club does your father (never Dad!) belong to then?"

"How much did your parents pay for the house thay have"?

My dad never understood golf loves cricket and it was a Council house!

My parents were very fond and welcoming of her but would never ask such stupid pretenious questions as they did!

My DD's were allowed to go on holiday with theri boyfriends around that age, none came home preggers either!

Still me and her were at it! decent old shaggin wagon estate car never needed to stay in each others houses or go on holiday either as that would have been no bloody holiday with her lot, all temperance stylee too!, and she'd agree!:)

I'd be more worried that some strangers are taking my under age daughter to bars and getting her drunk..

Also calling the parents having 2 meals with them “gatecrashing” is ridiculous.

Would you be gatecrashing if you went for dinner with them or would you just be having dinner with them?

Pay for this? Bwahaha.

Have you tried inviting him/ them over for dinner? I’d get very drunk too clearly that’s what your DD and her BF like in a parent. OK, maybe not the last bit

You do sound a bit overbearing and over-invested tbh. They sound the polar opposite. I can see why you wouldn’t gel, and why your daughter might find them appealing. I think that if you keep up the pressure, you’ll alienate her. Take a step back, it’ll run its course.

I don't get why you would expect to have met your DDs BF's parents ? Do you generally involve yourself with her friendships ?

We have had no formal meeting with DS's GF's parents , aside from waving hello at her mother when she has dropped her off . They have been together for 18 months now and were 17/18 when they met .

DS and his GF also spend a lot of time with us as a family. Pre-Covid we would go out for a meal together once per week , also also invited her to come on holiday with us at the same timescale as in your case, holiday 6 months after starting dating , invite when they had been dating 3 months . The holiday has been booked for the 3 of us and we just asked DS if GF would like to come as well , I don't see that as being strange or 'predatory '

It sounds as if your DD's BF is close to his family , they normally do things together and have invited your DD along. She is probably very aware that you won't like them so is discouraging any meet up .

I think you are struggling because this is your DDs first relationship , but at 17 the dynamics of that relationship are going to be different than if she was 14 or 15.

It’s bonkers you’ve potentially been portrayed as controlling when you’ve never met any of them. It sounds as if it’s very much the other way around. As for letting your dd stay over there or not, I can understand your reservations when she refuses to even introduce you to the boy. I wouldn’t be happy with the holiday either. How to tackle it? Idk. My dd is younger. But I’d not be directly saying no. Instead asking for the same courtesy 2 meals out with him and time spent together at your house for starters to put your mind at ease. If she can’t give you that, she needs to ask herself a serious question as to why. It sounds as though they’re potentially trying to own your dd and separate her from her family and support network.

Tone changing on this thread as we pass midnight. OP will need the old tin hat for the night
Whatever you do as a parent will not be good enough when you have teenagers, but do we need other parents telling us that?

She will be 18 and an adult very soon. You need to treat her as such or you are going to have a very sheltered and wild young adult heading off to university next September.

Let her go, pay for it. Do not be that mum. If it's her 18th birthday and you refuse then you may find they pay for it. You'll look very controlling and uptight then. Share your concerns and ask to meet the boyfriend before they go. Then BACK AWAY. His parents are his problem and you'll find out all you need to know in how they've raised their son when you meet him.

If the parents had contacted you direct to discuss I would be more understanding but their behaviour seems very strange. The’ve not been together that long and by what you’ve said the relationship may be over by December. On another note I wouldn’t be making plans to travel abroad at the moment, but that’s my personal opinion.

I think the whole situation sounds weird and intense.

I'd definitely not be paying for this holiday for my child at that age.

OP you sound like a normal and concerned parent.

There is a world wide pandemic on at the moment, or is it not affecting Grand Caneria!

I think I'd try to talk to your dd about what she likes about this lad, how she feels about his parents, and how she is going to pay for the holiday.

Good luck, ignore the silly comments.

@ClareBlue

Tone changing on this thread as we pass midnight. OP will need the old tin hat for the night Whatever you do as a parent will not be good enough when you have teenagers, but do we need other parents telling us that?

tin hat and bullet proof vest. Oops am i beinf dramatic again

Has there been some generation slip ? Not a single parent I kew when I was a teenager, would have thought telling a 17 year that she couldn’t stay at a very new boyfriend’s house was “ controlling” , or would have thought it fine to allow their daughter to go on a foreign holiday with a family she barely knows, even worse a drunken family she barely knows. I am mid fifties. This thread is totally baffling to me !
I have teenage daughters, my eldest is two years younger than yours OP, and this would really worry me.