To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

Is she ready to end it?
And tbh I'd be ringing her college tutor so they can offer support if he harassed her whilst there. And I'd be taking and dropping off for a while

YABU for trying to interfere, but not for being concerned as that's your job.
She's 17 ,soon to be 18. There's no way you should be that involved in her relationship and probably neither should his parents.

'And tbh I'd be ringing her college tutor so they can offer support if he harassed her whilst there. And I'd be taking and dropping off for a while.'

Definitely do not do that if you want your daughter to remain attending college! I would have been mortified had my parent done that when I was 17...she isn't 10!

@Yesterdayforgotten have you read the OP where she says that her daughter is being harassed at college and encouraged to leave. The college should absolutely be aware

She's 17 ,soon to be 18. There's no way you should be that involved in her relationship and probably neither should his parents.

Unless they're abusive relationships.

Read the thread.

@Peaseblossom22 I thought they had ended things? Has there been another update?

I've just read this from the beginning. They sound absolutely awful. They were pressurising her to commit to the holiday, drinking and putting her family down. And then I read your final update! Of course he doesn't want her in college - she might think she's better than him.

Ugh.

You did exactly the right thing creating an environment where she could come talk to you. Your poor daughter. I really hope she meets somebody special now.

I don't mean to scare you but I would be worried about how he will react to her ending things now.

@Yesterdayforgotten I think she is ending it but as he is at the same college there is a risk that the harassment will continue .

Thanks, oh I see I missed the part saying he was at the same college. I hope he will drop out now op and maybe was only going because of your dd. I think this could go three ways: he will attend college and ignore your dd, attend and harass her or hardly show up/drop out. I hope for everybody's sake it isn't the middle option.

Oh dear. Although the situation is not good you don’t want to drive her away further. I’d make it clear you are not happy but not stop her. Would def not be paying for it though. I think a good chance Gran Canaria will be off the cards by then anyway.
It could also fizzle out before then. Just have a good chat with her about contraception if you haven’t already.

Apols I had not rtft I admit.

FGS, if people can’t be arsed to read the whole thread at least bloody read the OP’s posts. Otherwise you just look stupid when you reply to the OP only.

They sound really weird. Can you have a calm conversation with her about it at some point.

You HAVE handled this correctly, you have good instincts and your close relationship with your DD has allowed her to confide in you to the point where she knows this is wrong and dangerous

Yes you will need to make sure her college knows. I shudder at the recollection of that poor girl Ellie who was on the news recently as her mother was talking about her and how she should have been going away to uni, but had been killed by her boyfriend of a very short duration.

Do not hesitate to involve the police if he won’t go away, perhaps she ought to lock down her SM and change numbers etc

Take no chances, his parents sound fucking awful, and also sound like they have done a sterling job in creating a really fucking awful boyfriend

Huge hugs for you both

Great update!

Also a lesson for your daughter, so many men are abusive and the fact she had the courage to walk away says so much and will steer her well in future relationships.

This lad sounds very abusive already, but a lot of men don't show their true colours until the relationship is much further along.

Absolutely!

She's lucky she just got a trainee w*nker. And hopefully she's now developed immunity against the full force type.

What chills me is the thought of your DD off in Gran Canaria, stuck in a Villa, with that vile BF and his vile parents with no one on her side.

I’m flabbergasted by the amount of defenders this horrible sounding young man and his parents have. They all sound mad. Stand your ground: your daughter needs you to be the grown up in the room.

I can't believe people were telling you that you were too controlling.

I'm quite a liberal parent and have a 17 year old who has had a few too many boyfriends for my liking and her fair share of romantic dramas, and there is no chance, even before knowing all the other details about him, that I would be financing a trip away with them. The mother sounds awful. Imagine your first meeting being like that!

I'm so glad she has been able to confide in you and I hope you can help her find the strength to end this now asap. She sounds like a lovely girl.

Get her to contact her friends and advise her to keep away from him at college and stay in a group if she can. Get her to change her passwords too and block his number afterwards.

It's all a learning curve!
All you can do is arm her emotionally so he can no longer bully her. If he does make things difficult at college she can always talk to the pastoral care.

Update 2.
We have had a lovely afternoon together and she has opened up even more. My instincts were absolutely spot on about the parents but I had no idea until this morning how controlling the bf was. My initial anger is now pity for them. He has serious issues and needs professional help. There is childhood trauma there which he blames for his unreasonable behaviour. My DD discovered through a mutual childhood friend the extent if it and she has well and truly dodged a bullet. Absolute shit show and I am so relieved that she has come to this conclusion on her own.

Well happy to read these updates OP your daughter is so strong!

No its not just you, I wouldnt like it either.
Lots of red flags and you are right to be protective.
If she will be 18 when she flies out there is nothing you can do about it ( and it maybe hard to stop her anyway).
I would try and calmly explain my concerns, can anyone else talk to her? older sibling, aunt etc sometimes they listen to others more than mums
They sound awful but maybe she is insecure and flattered, hope relationship blows over soon.

Great update OP. He sounds like the abusive BF of the girl whose aid we went to yesterday.

He sounds as though he could become quite dangerous.

If he has access to all your DD's passwords, then she needs to change them ALL, every one, even ones she doesn't think he knows. Every Single One, including college, banks, everything.

She probably ought to warn her college that she is leaving a relationship with an abusive male, who is also at the college - I'm not sure that they can do much unless he kicks off, but you never know, they might have some useful strategies.

And then she needs to dump AND block him everywhere. Get a new phone number if necessary. Anything - but she needs to escape him properly and finally. No handholding, no last goodbyes (extremely risky to her), no supporting him through the trauma - quick, clinical amputation of him from her life.

Yes inform the college he sounds volatile it's best to be cautious.