To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

I’m not old enough to be the parent of a teenager @Ginfordinner

You can be caring, and controlling you know!
Ops lucky her daughter has spilled the beans. This type of parenting tends to lead to teens running a mile.

Also, you can be a strong parental figure without having to micro manage their every move.

You might change your views when you have a teenager. Luckily I didnt have to "micromanage" my daughter as you call it, but everything the OP posted about the BF and his family sounded off, so I totally undertsand where she is coming from.

To me it's clear that the OP isn't controlling. She just had a feeling that something wasn't right. And she obviously has the kind of open relationship with her DD that made it possible for the DD to communicate with her about what was going on.

I would say that the fact that her DD has 'spilled the beans' indicates that she isn't controlling at all, but approachable.

I understand the concern but I can’t ignore her telling her 17 year old daughter that no, she has to come home and can’t stay over and then the next sentence of ‘letting her’ visit them the day after.

Regardless of the situation, this type of behaviour makes it’s worse.

We need our children to open up to us, not want to escape us.

‘ I would say that the fact that her DD has 'spilled the beans' indicates that she isn't controlling at all, but approachable.’

Or she’s scared and feels she has no choice?

I don’t know if this is just my circle of friends but the calmer more mature friends had relaxed parents, the ones that drank themselves into the gutter and were more likely to dabble with drugs, and whom had teenage pregnancy’s were the ones whose parents were intensely strict.

@cinderelly I’m a bit late to the party on this, but goes to show mothers instincts are right. And for all those posters accusing you of being controlling, I hope they have read the final updates. Being protective is different to controlling.

Glad your daughter has worked this out. You must be v proud.

We need our children to open up to us, not want to escape us.

Which is what OP's daughter did.

‘ And for all those posters accusing you of being controlling, I hope they have read the final updates. Being protective is different to controlling. ’

It’s sad how many people say their boyfriends are protective when actually, they’re controlling and abusive.

Don’t ever make this behaviour acceptable from anyone, let alone your parents who are there to model behaviours of acceptance.
If you accept this shit off a parent you’ll accept it from anybody.

You don’t have to be controlling to be protective, loving and supportive.
There are other ways.

I have now beaten myself soundly round the head for not RTFT.

Thank goodness she's dumped/dumping him. Your instincts were spot on OP and if I'd seen the bit about him being controlling my posts would have been very different.

So glad to read your updates op and so pleased your daughter has the sense to see this for the unhealthy abusive relationship it is.

but the calmer more mature friends had relaxed parents, the ones that drank themselves into the gutter and were more likely to dabble with drugs, and whom had teenage pregnancy’s were the ones whose parents were intensely strict.

One of my children has been level headed and sensible since she was a baby and yes, I let her do whatever she likes on the whole because she's so trustworthy. I have another child who would fling himself off a cliff if the fancy took him. I'm much stricter with him! We can't actually shape kids' personalities with our parenting, you know. That's probably a good thing.

@Jellybeansincognito

I understand the concern but I can’t ignore her telling her 17 year old daughter that no, she has to come home and can’t stay over and then the next sentence of ‘letting her’ visit them the day after.

Regardless of the situation, this type of behaviour makes it’s worse.

We need our children to open up to us, not want to escape us.

@Jellybeansincognito come back when you have raised teens ......

Thank goodness this ended well. Those updates are scary op. Hope your daughter is ok.

@Jellybeansincognito

I understand the concern but I can’t ignore her telling her 17 year old daughter that no, she has to come home and can’t stay over and then the next sentence of ‘letting her’ visit them the day after.

Regardless of the situation, this type of behaviour makes it’s worse.

We need our children to open up to us, not want to escape us.

You're completely ignoring the fact that OP succinctly felt something was wrong. This wasnt a situation where the boyfriend and family were behaving normally. There were red flags from the start and OP rightfully paid attention, given her daughter wasn't experienced enough herself to see the signals herself.

You're changing the narrative to make it sound like OP was interfering in a normal teenage relationship. It wasn't. This teenage boy will become a dangerous man unless his parents help him. Is that controlling too?

It may already be too late for him. Thankfully it wasn't for OPs dd.

Yanbu OP. They sound strange and he sounds very controlling. I would not be allowing that at all. Maybe work on your daughters self esteem to work out why she wants to stay with someone who puts her down and makes her cry. Maybe you two go away somewhere together instead.

@Mypathtriedtokillme

My parents and siblings are the reason I saw an abusive man for what he was.

Thank fuck they didn’t go shes 18, she will learn from her mistakes.
Some mistakes permanently damage you and all future relationships.

Dear god OP, that update is scary! I'm sooo glad your DD has opened up to you. You were absolutely right to trust your instincts. If she is still hankering after him at any point tell her about things like trauma bonding and explain to her that what they had is NOT love, not even close.

Honestly, you're lucky that he showed his hand so soon. My abusive boyfriend was nice as pie for the first year, with just one or two blips that I was able to write off as bad days. By the time he started to turn into a controlling, coercive piece of shit I was already too deep in to know how to get out.

As a side note just goes to show how many eejits on MN will be there to tell you everything's fine and you're the one with the issue when plainly something's profoundly wrong. There are some people here who would probably vote YABU if a poster was concerned that their DD's BF had murdered the family cat and nailed it to the front door

' I'm sooo glad your DD has opened up to you '

Yes it is great that the dd decided to confide in the op. Maybe a lesson to learn there, give her chance next time rather than going in all guns blazing.

You're completely ignoring the fact that OP succinctly felt something was wrong. This wasnt a situation where the boyfriend and family were behaving normally. There were red flags from the start and OP rightfully paid attention, given her daughter wasn't experienced enough herself to see the signals herself.

Yes.

My instincts were absolutely spot on about the parents but I had no idea until this morning how controlling the bf was. My initial anger is now pity for them. He has serious issues and needs professional help
Sorry but I think you're very gullible. Who are you to judge this family you've never met going only by what your daughter told you. Your daughter who has gone from thinking they were wonderful and desperately wanted to go away with at Christmas to considering all of them to be abusers and wierdos in just an hour or so.

It all sounds very dramatic and immature.

t all sounds very dramatic and immature.

And you're all heart.

@dontdisturbmenow that's a weird take tbh. What purpose would the daughter have to lie?
The family sound completely bizarre, it comes as no surprise at all that the son also has issues. Dysfunctional families often - but not always - repeat their dynamics across generations. It's common knowledge and well documented.
Your response is very strange.

Sorry but I think you're very gullible. Who are you to judge this family you've never met going only by what your daughter told you. Your daughter who has gone from thinking they were wonderful and desperately wanted to go away with at Christmas to considering all of them to be abusers and wierdos in just an hour or so. Oh yes, She thought they were so wonderful that she’d come crying to her mum several times already about how this lad put her down, told her what to wear, told her how to behave, broke up with her because she had an instagram account he didn’t know about. How the OP had fallen out with friends because they hadn’t liked him.

Clearly your idea of “thought they were wonderful” and most people’s aren’t the same.

Yes it is great that the dd decided to confide in the op. Maybe a lesson to learn there, give her chance next time rather than going in all guns blazing. And what if she hadn’t? How often do we read posts on here from OP’s who say that they’re in abusive relationships but they can’t end them because their family loves the bloke and will be so shocked. And then it comes out somewhere down the track that the family did have reservations but didn’t feel they could voice them.

Maybe if more people were open about their concerns more women wouldn’t feel trapped in abusive cycles without the support to help them leave. It’s very difficult to leave an abusive relationship when you don’t think anyone else will agree with what you’re doing.

This girl is seventeen. Another six months and the boy could be beating the crap out of her, but because her mother welcomed them in with open arms she might not have had the courage to speak out about it.

Eventually she would stop confiding in the OP because the OP would say or do nothing.

Don’t believe for a second that this relaxed parenting where you allow your only just adult children to do what the hell they want without your comment is a good thing. It teaches them a very strong lesson in how not to spot boundaries in fact.

@AlternativePerspective Exactly. Not to mention the fact that the bf tried to persuade her to leave college and get a job. When she refuses, he registers at the college as well, and then flips when she doesn't agree to bunk off lectures with him.

There are so many red flags here.