To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

Had she definitely broken up with him, op? I'm very glad she has finally seen him for who he is. Try your best to make sure she blocks him completely.

I I don’t think it’s weird about the staying over? I met DH at 19 but when we stayed at either parents for that first year they didn’t want us sharing rooms! Not under their roof etc!! You are in a difficult position and I would also feel very reluctant to let her go if I didn’t know the parents at all. Can she pay for it all herself? If not I don’t think I’d fund it

Jesus I just read the thread thank god she felt able to share with you. Mums instincts spot on.

Hopefully she can end it and he will leave her alone - the college thing is a bit scary though. He's erratic.

Hope it all ends well 💐

Please read the OP's updates people

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

He sounds as though he could become quite dangerous.

If he has access to all your DD's passwords, then she needs to change them ALL, every one, even ones she doesn't think he knows. Every Single One, including college, banks, everything.

She probably ought to warn her college that she is leaving a relationship with an abusive male, who is also at the college - I'm not sure that they can do much unless he kicks off, but you never know, they might have some useful strategies.

And then she needs to dump AND block him everywhere. Get a new phone number if necessary. Anything - but she needs to escape him properly and finally. No handholding, no last goodbyes (extremely risky to her), no supporting him through the trauma - quick, clinical amputation of him from her life.

YES YES YES. All of this @cinderelly. Help your daughter excise the cancer and keep showing her that you support her. Start working through the Freedom Programme together and tell her you’re proud of her for making such an excellent life decision.

Is moving college/ switching to home learning an option for her?

His behaviour is extremely worrying (from your updates, not before).

She actually doesn’t sound safe to even be there right now.

I was ready to say yes let her go but there are some resinous red flags here. You’d need to meet the parents properly and soberly.

@Frazzled2207

Oh dear. Although the situation is not good you don’t want to drive her away further. I’d make it clear you are not happy but not stop her. Would def not be paying for it though. I think a good chance Gran Canaria will be off the cards by then anyway. It could also fizzle out before then. Just have a good chat with her about contraception if you haven’t already.

Things have moved on...

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've ever read on Mumsnet. The number of people saying you should lay off because she's nearly 18 is shocking and frightening.

I'm so pleased it all worked out ok.

I agree changerr. I suspect they don't have a 17 year old daughter in an abusive relationship.

His behaviour is extremely worrying (from your updates, not before).*

Luckily Mum didn't take your earlier advice.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Talk to her. Ask her why they are always out with their son. Ask her what she thinks of them - are they polite, civilized, protective, trustworthy? If she pulls the "I am an adult at 18 and I am going" then say "Ok, how are you paying for it? You will need expense money of your own and as an adult you can't expect me to pay for something I am opposed to."

This is great advice.

Wtf? None of my boyfriends' parents ever met my parents. Actually, my parents never met my MIL (we got married in secret to prevent her pressurising us to get married in a Catholic church).

Your DD is almost an adult OP, and it's time to let her make her own choices, and her own mistakes. While still being there to pick up the pieces, of course.

@changerr

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've ever read on Mumsnet. The number of people saying you should lay off because she's nearly 18 is shocking and frightening.

I'm so pleased it all worked out ok.

Yes - many people seem to have a very low bar set for their children .

Your DD is almost an adult OP, and it's time to let her make her own choices, and her own mistakes. While still being there to pick up the pieces, of course

Wow....I can't think why there are so many women with endless crap relationships. It's almost like they have had no support or guidance...

Sounds like some weird form of grooming involving the whole family

Wtaf?

Family have a villa holiday planned and invite their 18YO son's almost 18Y0 GF along. How is that grooming?

I was invited on a family holiday with my first BF's family, without discussing it with my parents, and I was only 17.

Maybe parents in 1973 were generally more laid back!

OP I’m so glad she saw him for what he actually is, abusive and controlling and opened up to you.
I still suggest doing an domestic abuse type programme so she can recognise the signs in a future partner.
Tell the school so they can help protect your DD.

I’m appalled at how many people would just throw their 18 year olds to the wolves and let them make their own mistakes and think a caring concerned parent who has seen very genuine red flags is the controlling one.

Relationships with your children evolve to a peer to peer one, they don’t get to 17 and you think fuck it they are almost an adult at 18, I can’t emotionally support then or to try and guide them around red flags anymore.

I’m in my mid 30’s, live in a different country, married, kids, totally independent and still occasional ask my parents or siblings for advice or use our discussions as a sounding board.

@LakieLady have you actually read the full thread..? If you've got time to reply you've time to read.

My parents and siblings are the reason I saw an abusive man for what he was.

Thank fuck they didn’t go shes 18, she will learn from her mistakes.
Some mistakes permanently damage you and all future relationships.

My attitude is, "as long as your under my roof, you'll do as I say"

My boss's father said that to her once. Her boyfriend rented a bedsit and she moved in with him. She was 16 and just about to take her O-levels.

She never went back.

Voted YABU as shes 17 she could have her own home and kids at that age. But I wouldn't let mine go.

Late to this thread OP but I’m glad you have had a good outcome.

‘ Wow....I can't think why there are so many women with endless crap relationships. It's almost like they have had no support or guidance...’

Just because OP was right, don’t ignore the fact that OP is also controlling- regardless of intent, it is never ok and I can’t imagine it would make the daughter in this scenario feel any better.

‘I’m appalled at how many people would just throw their 18 year olds to the wolves and let them make their own mistakes and think a caring concerned parent who has seen very genuine red flags is the controlling one.

Relationships with your children evolve to a peer to peer one, they don’t get to 17 and you think fuck it they are almost an adult at 18, I can’t emotionally support then or to try and guide them around red flags anymore. ‘

^

I wouldn’t throw my child under the bus but I certainly wouldn’t be making her ask for my permission to go to her boyfriends house at almost 18.

I think the amount of control OP has over her daughter is just as unhealthy as throwing them under the bus. How can she thrive and develop if OP is micromanaging her life?

In this scenario OP is sadly right, but it doesn’t mean every scenario she will be.
Or that it’s right to behave in this manner with our children.

Jellybeansincognito no the OP isn't controlling. She is caring. Have you even read every update? She had a feeling something was wrong, which is why she acted as she did. Have you never had cause for concern over a relationship your teenager is in? Do you even have a teenage daughter who has been in this position?

The word "controlling" is very much overused on MN.

It seems to me that there are parents on here who are still prepared to parent their children, and some who haven't bothered to read the OP's updates and either don't have teenage daughters or just don't care.