To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

[cinderelly]

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

Great update. Do you think he will keep harassing her at college though? (you said he’d transferred there..) Can teachers keep an eye out?

I’ve only just seen this thread but have been astounded at so many of the posts; teenagers still need such a lot of guidance and are seldom mature enough to make big decisions. Nor do (most) parents cease caring about what their children do and wave them happily off into disaster late teens. It does NOT drive teens away, most recognise it as their parents looking after them.
And if parents are expected to pay for a holiday, then bloody hell yes they get a say in it.

OP you’ve played it right all along. Glad your DD has seen this relationship for what it is and will end it.

But, at the same time, you are not playing this very well, you are coming across as controlling and as though you are treating her like a child (fuss about drinking at 17, and having to ask permission to go to his house)

Er yeah, the drinking at 17 is actually illegal. Unless at home with parents’ permission.

joining the same college as her
increasingly women realise that their best options in life are to get a good education so that they can be financially independent, this makes partnerships with men much less attractive...only worth it if the man is truly good and treats them well.
Men realise this but having grown up with the expectation that they are entitled to a woman to serve their needs they resort to dirty tactics to capture and control women 😡

They sound weird as fuck, and the boyfriend sounds awful. But blanket banning him and them is just going to make her secretive and hide things from you - tread carefully.

Parenting teens doesn’t mean shoving them headlong into an adult world they are not ready for ,or able to navigate yet

But parenting does mean starting to equip them for the adult world long before their 18th Birthday and making sure they have a certain standard/self esteem/confidence that they recognise bad behaviour and refuse to be treated in that way.

For those that say she’s nearly 18 and an adult, I always say, how many of you have DC this age

I have 2. It is more about that at 18 she is considered an adult and could walk out into a bad relationship and dig herself into a huge hole.

For me I try to make being around me is more fun than she gets from other relationships IYSWIM.
I also made learning to drive a priority and with that comes being sober and having the ability to get away from situations.

If this girl has already refused the holiday and the parents won’t take no for an answer then maybe a talk about No meaning no and how to get her opinion across.

Dd has had bfs since she was 16.
I have never met any of them apart from the current one who I have passed the time of day with occasionally.
She has been with him for over 2 years and I have never met is parents.

Maybe the parents didnt discuss it with you because they don't even know they have supposedly booked a holiday with DD?

    A genuine bloke would have made a point of getting to know her parents;   he seems to be deliberately avoiding you, perhaps because you'd see through him PDQ? 

It sounds to me as if BF is a manipulator using his parents as cover to mislead you. At the last minute (airport) he'll makes ome excuse why they haven't turned up, and bingo, DD's on a solo holiday in another country with an unsuitable/ older/ deceptive/manipulative man who tricked you (and possibly her).

   She's   demonstrated that  she's too inexperienced and naive to cope with the possible downsides of that scenario.   "Constant dramas"  right now, are the warning sign of that.

Great Update.

Awful experience for your daughter but at least now she will be on guard for it at any other point in her life, so that's a good thing.

Do be prepared for the boyfriend and his awful family to make one big push o get her back on side-probably saying they've already paid for the villa or guilt tripping in some other way.

I think you were absolutely right to be worried about her going to a villa, with no-one else around-apart from a bunch of drunks-who could have chucked her out whenever it suited them.

Hi @cinderelly, if your DD falters in finishing this relationship conclusively, point her to the Refuge website where she will find descriptions of abusive relationships and coercive control. I am so sorry this is her first relationship. If there’s any hint of him not accepting that she no longer wants to see him, do not delay in contacting the Police. There are many red flags in his behaviour that need to be taken seriously, and he (and his enabling parents) need to know it is unacceptable and actually, illegal.

Good news, sounds like she’s seen the light.

Yes, it's a great update, and your DD has shown real strength in refusing to leave college or bunk off with the bf. And now she's seen that she has to end it. It's been a bad experience, but she'll come out of this stronger as a result.

I think you've handled it just right, too, in that she's clearly felt able to talk to you about it.

I was going to reply saying I moved out at 17 and you really have no business telling her what she can and can't do for her 18th but clearly after reading on it seems your spidey senses were on point.

The fact your daughter got out so quickly is a great sign for future strength

Seriously though - just tell her fine go if that’s what you want but you can’t pay for it! If she’s an adult now suddenly - then fund her own holiday!

Ahh saw your update!

I think you have to help them come to their own decisions, which it sounds as if you've done

where is her passport?

id be tempted to make that go missing until she comes to her senses. If she has to apply for another she may think twice

nah i would not let her go either - but tread carefully or you risk pushing her away

Actually, @carly2803 post made me think... maybe let her passport go missing just in case her conversation with you is a ruse to get you off her case. I've seen women do crazy things to hide ongoing relationships wit bc abuse men. I've dine it myself

Glad to see your update op. Well done your DD

I'm glad you and your dd have been able to talk. I think you're a great mother. Just because children reach adulthood, it doesn't mean parents should just give up. Yes, making mistakes is part of learning but some mistakes can have far reaching consequences.
For example my ds insisted on staying on at his school for sixth form. I knew it wouldn't work out but I couldn't force him to go somewhere he wanted. On the other hand, ds1 went out with a girl who had had a very troubled home life. Dh wasn't keen on her because ds1 had his own troubles. I said not to interfere. It turned out she projected a lot of things about her own father onto him and he went to a bad place mentally. I only found out later and I wished I'd listened to dh.

Great update but how terrifying that this scumbag was able to make so much negative impact in a short space of time.

Totally agree with PP that phone break up is best to avoid any risk.

I'm so sad that this is her first relationship experience - but I'm proud that she is recognising that this isn't healthy and wants it to end
Here you go! Your DD was able to make the right decision for herself after all. There was no need of you getting so involved. It's much better that she was able to come to that conclusion on her own.

You can now back off and let her make her own decisions with being there for her when she asks for it, start to treat her like the young adult she is becoming rather than the kid she isn't any longer.

Once she turns 18byou cannot legally stop her so if they plan to book after that date there is nothing you can do. However I would tell her you want to meet him first and then meet his parents before you decide on that. If she refuses I would be concerned either about his age or something she does not want you to know. Point out she's had dinner with his family twice it's about time he meets hers.

Well done to your daughter for seeing the light! Hope she blocks him off everything so he can't contact her.
Even my 21 year old daughter said this whole situation was weird .

@FortniteBoysMum read the OP's updates

I'm so sad that this is her first relationship experience - but I'm proud that she is recognising that this isn't healthy and wants it to end

May I suggest that you look up the Freedom Programme? It shows what a healthy relationship looks like, and if you went through it together, you could use it as a basis for discussion.

This lad sounds very abusive already, but a lot of men don't show their true colours until the relationship is much further along. I think it would be good for her to be shown what red flags look like, and that it's ok to end things if she's feeling uncomfortable.

I hope she's now decided to dump this loser.

God he sounds awful, luckily her instincts seem sound.

Maybe would be good to have a think about possible assertive responses for the next time someone 'insists on' having her social media passwords?