Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

On balance I think YABU and more than a little dramatic.

In your situation I would have put up a baby gate anyways, so what if DS is going to just stand at the gate and scream, that’s the consequence your DH has to deal with by choosing to position his work space in a family space.

Having the gate will at least stop the worst of the destruction and also keep your DS safe. It obviously won’t stop the noise, but you can’t stop that anyway baby gate or not. I would think that after a while your DS would get bored of screaming at the gate, or if he doesn’t your DH will get bored of listening to it and move his workstation upstairs or to a more appropriate place, just as he should have done in the first place.

If he is working and bringing home the money for the family then you need to compromise.

He is probably coming across unprofessional with his colleagues having kids flailing about and screaming whilst he's trying to manage a meeting. And he has his wife at home to look after the kids. You don't know what pressure he is under to keep a job in this environment.

It sounds like you have a large enough house to carve out a separate area.

I can sort of see your DH's issue. Does the bedroom have enough space for two monitors and all of his kit? Can you pay for better wifi or a hardwired ethernet solution in the bedroom. If not it will be a problem for him to work upstairs. Also it is easy to say go back to the office but only if his office is allowing people back/is open

I am not saying he is being reasonable but I am not sure you are completely either

It's not like the wfh is a recent or occasional thing. Your DH has had plenty of time to make sure he does have the connectivity he needs in another room.

My DH works from our bedroom. It's not perfect but adults have to adapt to what's available. It's easier for a grown man to understand than a baby!

My 22 month old can open doors as well. He's not that tall either, more sturdy/square... It was a sad day when he got tall enough... DD was smaller and less prone to destruction/climbing! So was more "reasonable" -or at least bribable- by the time a closed door wasn't adequate containment!

Irritatingly we're in rented so can't switch to knobs rather than handles! Not that that would foil him for long, plus hammering on the door, headbutting the door and screaming are fairly disruptive too!

Presumably OP was doing something self indulgent like putting the breakfast stuff away, washing, tidying or maybe going to the toilet - all things which have to be done!

DH has been WFH, he stays out of the way upstairs, we've sacrificed space in our room for a desk as we don't have a spare!

@RoseTintedAtuin

Your husband is working to provide for you in a difficult situation. It is clear he is at the bottom of your priorities.

I am also working to provide for all of us. I have asked him to move upstairs, where he has a little workstation space made for him (specifically for that purpose as it goes) but he won't do it. Hence why I am irritated. I have tried to converse with him about it but he insists on working from the dining room table.

Yanbu
If you're a sahm, then the house is your workspace. He cannot take it over just because he doesn't want to work upstairs. Tough shit! If he wants quiet then his options are to relocate to the workstation at the top of the house or go to the office.

It sounds perfectly clear that he cannot relocate to the room upstairs, because he cannot there use the equipment necessary for him to do his job, so that isn't an option. And I wonder why he may be wfh at all, whether there is some reason sometimes mentioned in the news for people not going to workplaces unnecessarily…

If OP were a SAHM (she isn't. She's said she works three days a week) she would still need to have a bit of sense and recognise that her and the children's lives will change and be affected just as everyone else's are.

He needs to work upstairs

Which part of my post was nonsense?

all of it.

WFH means finding a space to ISOLATE yourself and kids to be kept out of the way of that room. Deciding to settle in what is actually the main room and expecting other family members to just not be home all day is completely bonkers.

Do people really need a diagram to understand that family rooms, kitchen, halls.. are the least suitable place possible to do any work in peace?

Even the living room in a small house is a terrible option. You don't leave only the kitchen and the hall for the rest of the family

What happens on the 3 days you work too? Where's your workstation, and who minds DS?

It sounds perfectly clear that he cannot relocate to the room upstairs, because he cannot there use the equipment necessary for him to do his job, so that isn't an option.

and you get that from..?

You both sound completely unwilling to compromise. Setting up a work station where he has and expecting no disturbance is absurd. Upstairs might not be ideal but there has to be a compromise.
Meanwhile, allowing your toddler to have at all that equipment and arranging play dates is also absurd. Missing out on playdates at home for a while isn't ideal but you need to compromise too.

Yanbu. My kids are grown up so I don’t even have toddlers and I’ve worked from home full time for nearly two decades so am used to this way of working BUT as soon as DH had an office to work in, I gathered up his shit and sent him back. I have a dedicated study and keep it tidy and the door closed, he took over the dining room and it was months of traipsing wires and super loud conference calls.

Uggh.
Fuck that. Peace has been restored.

Reckon we'll just have to get used it it!.

Phoned one of out internet suppliers the other week, clearly she was working from home and only got started and there came a babys cry. Now me being a parent we know that tug's out heartstrings in a primeaval way so said to her, "babe needs a feed by the sound of it" and she mumbles "yes but i can carry on".

Nope sez I feed Babe first and then call me back! Ok wth that?.

She did call back and was profuse in her thanks for letting babe be attededed to first.

More human scale dontcha think?..

You could have tried reading it and your impression of whether OP was a SAHM or not might have become clearer. Notably the bit where she explains her own work pattern.

I didn’t notice the bit where OP said she worked 3 days a week:

I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

But that still doesn’t really say if she’s expected to entertain her DS at the same time as she’s WFH, or whether she works out of the house and her H is expected to work and look after DS at the same time, or whether DS goes to nursery on her work days or they share care of him while both trying to work from home etc so no, upsidedown it doesn’t really give a clearer picture now you mention it.

YANBU. He needs to choose one of the following:

• organise his workstation upstairs to his liking and use it;
• go into the office; or
• continue working in the dining room and accept that he will frequently be interrupted by his child.

Before we moved to this house Dh occasionally worked out of Ds1's bedroom as he had a desk to work at. Imagine a 6'3" chap sat at a desk for a 6 year old. That is what he did so that he could get away from the noise of a toddler, Ds2.

We moved a decade ago so that Dh has a dedicated office space upstairs and away from the noise of children who play downstairs as that is where their playroom is. Now it is more shouting at your mates in stressful computer game situations.

YANBU your Dh is a dick for thinking that working at the dining table would be productive with a toddler running around especially when there is an alternative.

In our set up the only options are bedroom (big desk) or dining table in the kitchen. Living room is the only route between kitchen/garden and toilet. DH accepted that our room was the only option.

Some toddlers might be trainable, 22 months is a tough age as size, mobility and dexterity may well be ahead of comprehension, verbal expression and biddability.

Being visible and easily heard in the middle of the house is way more disruptive than hiding out upstairs.

If the Dining room is the central room, would it work to switch the dining table with the sofa/chairs and tv from front room? So DH can be shut away with the table and you have access to kitchen/garden but also the tv? Realise this may not be practical - hard to know without a floor plan! - but wfh is looking likely for the foreseeable future so something will have to change.

I wonder if the responses would have been different if you had said your DH has set himself up in the hallway, because that's what your dining room basically is in the sense that you can't get to key parts of your house without going through there.

YANBU and I completely sympathise as I have similar challenges including a DH who chooses not to relocate!

[quote BouncyBaby2]@SuzieCarmichael

*You would probably be getting less flak OP if you explained the house layout a bit more. It sounds as though the ‘dining room’ is actually an area in the centre of the ground floor which is basically a corridor for getting to all the other bits of the house? Rather than a separate room which can be shut off and separated from the rest of the house?

If that’s the case then YANBU. He needs to move upstairs to work at the desk there. Or bog off back to the office.*

Yes you've got it. We live in a small cottage (two up, two down) with a downstairs toilet. All areas are pretty much accessed via the dining room - garden, kitchen and bathroom as well as the front room, where the tele is. So it's an area that is always in use[/quote]
You live in a small cottage, your husband is working from home and you've invited 2 other children and presumably their parents around for a playdate?! Sorry but that is nuts, and really unreasonable.

If has double monitors then it probably isn't feasible to sit upstairs, I can see why it's annoying but really at the moment it's probably not ideal for him either. Do you go out of the house to work or do you work from home? If I was trying to work and DH was home and just letting DC run around all of my work stuff I'd be annoyed to be honest. Surely its just 2 days a week if you're out for 3?

Also work trumps a nice little playdate.