Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

[Nikori]

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. You can't throw him out the house he's providing for you and your family.

He's hardly wandering the streets though. She just told him to go and work from his office. Even the government says work from home if you can. It seems the kids are in nursery 3 days a week, so it's ok for him to work from home 3 days and work from the office 2 days.

[Spinakker]

Yes, agree with pp. I'm not very technical but there must be a way to get the upstairs room configured for Wi-Fi etc ? I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. You can't throw him out the house he's providing for you and your family. You need to.work with him to find solutions and discuss options. Could you take your ds out for part of the day and when you return your dh move to upstairs for an hour. Soft plays are open right now. Is your dh willing to pay for you to go somewhere like this if he has to wfh and it's raining. Just putting out suggestions. There will be an answer to this but chucking him out won't help you or your son. I can see you care about your son and want him to have a fun free environment but don't focus on this so much that you damage the relationship between you and his dad which ultimately is the most important thing. There are ways around this problem but if you damage your relationship with dh you might be unable to repair it.

[Loftyloft]

I can see both sides. I’ve been on work calls with bad connection and it makes it so stressful.

Surely best solution is to reposition the cable where you plug in your broadband box (but extension lead if needed) so he can work upstairs?

[Boomerwang]

The home is for family. I know this crisis has changed homes for many people but if he wants peace and quiet he has to suck it up or move his ass. They need to discuss why it's not working and come up with a plan. If he refuses to move then it's on him to help with a solution and if he won't do that then there you go, that's the man in your life.

The child is trying to get daddy's attention, like all kids do, but screaming tantrums are a no no in any situation.

Some large changes need to be made and I don't think any amount of 'there there' posts will help the situation, just provide temporary validation which is fine, but not enough.

I don't know how any of this could be done while covid is on the rise again, I'll admit.

[SoUtterlyGroundDown]

Find 5 minutes together to discuss it and reach a compromise

Why do you think they haven’t discussed it?
She says he is refusing to work upstairs. That sounds like they’ve discussed it, no?

[Boomerwang]

As usual I don't see much of the obvious solution written.

Find 5 minutes together to discuss it and reach a compromise.

There, done.

[1forAll74]

I wouldn't like to imagine a small child getting near to wires and plugs and cables and all things electrical, its quite dangerous, not to mention expensive stuff.

[polkadotshirt]

Your dh should move to upstairs that way any screaming incidents can be taken outside quickly and easily to reduce the disruption.
I wfh when mine was 6 months -2 years old and I worked upstairs so that the nanny could have run of the house and access to the garden. I think it's only reasonable it's the same in this instance.
If my two yo was making too much noise for a call I would expect them to be taken outside though in good weather.

I think you can both compromise here though and you make a bit more effort to supervise the 2yo if your dh knows a call is coming up I would probably apologise and expect him to do so back make up and talk things through. Both sides have had big changes like most people in the last few months and might be worth saying to dh you're willing to get a stair gate if he moves upstairs.

[REignbow]

So he’s taken over the entire downstairs living space, to do his big important job and probably gets annoyed at being disturbed, when you need to use the bathroom/kitchen (not envy by the way).

WFH, with toddlers is not fun (I have one a little older than yours OP) nor is being shut in a room for X amount of hours per day (like my DH, who has named his work area as the ‘hole’).

I would tell him, that if he has a purpose built work station then he needs to work there on the days that the DC are home. He can get an extender to make the WiFi connection better and he can move downstairs on the days your DS is at nursery or when looking at emails (he can use his phone for this).

Whatever, you decide something needs to change and he cannot be the only person who makes this decision. IMO, he needs to be a little less selfish and think about the needs etc of the whole family.

[Elsewyre]

How do you keep ds away from all the dangers in the kitchen?

Just do the same as you do for that?

[Nat6999]

Get a wallpapering table to use as a workstation, can be put up in a couple of minutes & folds away when not needed. I've seen pictures of people wfh in caravans on their drive, coal sheds, garden sheds, bedrooms, attics, garages, it just needs some thinking about.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I don't really understand why the toddler isn't being supervised. Where are the adults when the child is climbing on tables? Looking after a toddler is a full time job in itself so to have two adults working is not possible if there is a toddler roaming freely.

I'm not sure inviting others around for a play date is reasonable when someone is WFH.

It sounds as if you really resent him WFH even though he needs to be working in the dining room. You've explained that's the only suitable room but still expect him to work elsewhere.

I think it's a difficult situation but you are being slightly unreasonable with him.

[BlackeyedSusan]

you need a play pen. or a big dog pen. put dh and his equipment in it. apparently my dad ended up doing paperwork in the play pen. saved it getting improved with wax crayon. (like my mums recipe book and my harry potter book which mum thinks is karma for her recipe book )

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

Well this has split 2 ways... can I get it upfront that I have no dc, and neither DH nor I am wfh. Feel free to ignore me.

@BouncyBaby2 you seem to be ignoring a few questions from pp that could clear up a lot of the responses, so could I ask:

Do you wfh? Either way, how do you manage dc on your work days?

Is it that DH cannot work upstairs, or just doesn’t want to? If there are reasons he can’t, can it be worked around- Ethernet cable, booster, small additional table? If he just cba that’s a different matter. Same with the office space - not practical or cba?

Are you really comfortable for your DC to be playing with cables/plugs/climbing on tables/juice near electronics etc? You sound so calm about it!

Ignoring Covid, do you absolutely need to have play dates in your house right now, when someone is wfh? What would happen if you do wfh and DH arranged a play date on your work days?

The answers would make a big difference to the advice given.

Hope you’ve sat down and talked honestly to each other

[FlatScreenTV01]

YABU. Your babies safety should be your priority.

[timeisnotaline]

*work from home that is

[timeisnotaline]

@KarmaStar

Think yabu,sorry,but where people are having to work from home they need to remain professional and to keep their jobs.I know how hard work a toddler is,but I'm guessing whilst he is working your dc is your responsibility to entertain/care for until he finishes and can take over.
The pressure is on for thousands of families op,jobs are at risk which increases the pressure further.
If he is the sole income,you could do your best to make sure he can be as professional as possible at home.sorry,I know it's hard.

He’s gone to an office. So he doesn’t have to work. Also, you only have to read the actual opening post , not even any of the ops follow ups, to see she works 3 days a week.

[Nanny0gg]

@1Morewineplease

YABU.
Your partner is working.
Your toddler shouldn't be allowed into your partner's work space.

But the toddler doesn't go to the office or the upstairs office space.

Working does not and should not trump home life to this degree when there are alternatives.

[1Morewineplease]

YABU.
Your partner is working.
Your toddler shouldn't be allowed into your partner's work space.

[Coyoacan]

@Mrsdoubtfireswig When the man has a room out of the way on the top floor as well as offices in the plural where he can work, it is definitely about taking over the house.

[Mrsdoubtfireswig]

@coyoacan it’s not about the man taking over the house imo, it’s about having a safe segregated wfh space, and the toddler able to play in a separate safe space. And be closely supervised when in the workspace

[Coyoacan]

I can't believe how many people are saying that a man should be able to take over the house to the detriment of the quality of life of his wife and child, when he has several alternative working spaces and tell the wife off as if she were financially dependent on him and incapable of understanding the workings of money.

[justasmalltownmum]

He needs to work form a bedroom and shut the door.

[JulesCobb]

I couldn't work upstairs as the wifi connection isnt good enough. I worked in our conservatory. But for zoom calls i had to move into the living room to be even closer to the router. So it could be he cannot work in the bedroom work space, rather than wont. Have you asked him why he wont use that space? I also wouldnt want to be working in my sleep space.

But the toddler does sound out of control and you do sound like you think that behaviour is normal.

[Mrsdoubtfireswig]

Baby gate on the door shut at all times and when you need to access kitchen / garden etc accompany your son so he doesn’t wreak havoc.

I’m a single parent and my toddler is 2.5 and will do exactly the same on cables, switches etc so my work equipment is in the kitchen behind a baby gate and he plays in the living room (obvs take laptop in the living room with him) and then work back in the kitchen when he’s having nap or having snack lunch in his chair at the table.

It’s not safe or fair on DS to let him play with all that equipment, and I don’t think fair on your DH either to be expecting him to wfh through that - it’s very difficult to wfh with children in the house so if it’s your job to supervise or keep him out of the workspace then you need to stick to your end of the bargain