Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

YWBU if he didn’t have anywhere else to work but since he’s got a workspace in your bedroom and an office/offices then YANBU he doesn’t need to be taking up your main living space.

If you're a sahm, then the house is your workspace
What way do some people's minds work? 😂😂😂 The house is not some giant soft play area where the toddler can rampage at will. Tough.
Inviting a gang with extra toddlers round is really beyond ridiculous.

This isn't the 1950s.
What does this mean? What's the relevance of this piece of stating the bleeding obvious?

Out of curiosity, when he’s working there does he expect you to be sorting him food/cups of tea etc? Just wondering what his motivation is for working in the busy family space when he has other options available to him.

All the patronising little ‘just shut the door’ comments are hilarious... my 19 month old can open doors so I imagine the OP’s older toddler can too.

Sounds like a stressful situation for all concerned. There must be a work around? Unfortunately we all just have to get in with it as best we can. Your DH needs to work in relative peace and if you are in charge of your child then you need to facilitate that by doing all you can to keep h8 occupied.

I would bear in mind that job security is fairly tenuous for a lot of industries right now and your husband needs to still deliver on his job. If push comes to shove he may be in the firing line if the quality of his work suffers.

I would encourage him to return to the office at least part time if he can. That way you both get at least some peace from each other during the week.

You and DH haven’t yet solved your logistics problem but you’ve invited more children into the mix. Really?

@Havaiana ". He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection". Opening post.

@SoUtterlyGroundDown

All the patronising little ‘just shut the door’ comments are hilarious... my 19 month old can open doors so I imagine the OP’s older toddler can too.

So lock the fucking door . What's hilarious about not being able to contain a toddler? Does yours escape through the front door, for example? Why not? Use your bloody loaf.

I mean, given how keen the OP is to emphasise that her DH is BU, if the upstairs workstation allowed the use of two monitors and a good cable connected I think she would have said so, rather than explaining that because he needs two monitors and a good cable connection, he is not using the upstairs workspace...

If OP is going to do her job as a SAHM (as you have all assumed she is one) then she needs to be able to do it without DH constantly underfoot.

I can’t believe people are putting DH’s right to not work at a desk in their bedroom (where he can take his equipment) over OP’s right to be able to take care of her children without worrying about how to keep children quiet for DH.

Lots of Stepford Wives or men on this thread.

I think you are both being unreasonable.
You shouldn't be organizing playdates at the moment anyway because of COVID regulations.
You should be ensuring the environment is safe and not allowing your 22 month old to roam freely all over the place and climb up onto chairs and table unsupervised. I don't really understand why you are letting the child into the dining room with DH. DH is working so cannot be supervising the child. Or are you trying to make a point that DH is at home so he could also be looking after the child? Or are you so pissed off with the dining room being commandeered that you are deliberately letting DS be a nuisance so that DH eventually fucks off somewhere else to work.

That said, I think DH is being very unreasonable (and on balance more unreasonable than you) because he has the option to work upstairs or to go into one of the offices. If he wishes to work in the dining room he should be fitting a lock or something on the door so that he can keep DS out while he is working. However, I think that as there is room upstairs he should go there. It's not safe nor pleasant to have the dining room table taken over by a workstation and all kinds of cables everywhere.
I also think it's awful that your DH doesn't seem able to control the child and has to get into some kind of a fight with the headset and swear at his son.

It's time to sit down and talk through the options because this WFH at the dining room table is not working for anyone. There are better options available. DH should choose between the room upstairs or the office. The dining room is no longer an option.

[quote unmarkedbythat]**@Havaiana* ". He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection*". Opening post.[/quote]
Yes I saw that but I also have two monitors upstairs, it’s totally possible.

Thisismytimetoshine

I do contain my toddler , this thread isn’t about me.
I was just responding to all the ‘shut the door’ comments, as though toddlers can’t open doors. If people meant ‘put a lock on the door and lock it’ then say that.

. Is your house a carbon copy of op's?!

Those who are laying into OP should RTFT and note her comments about the layout of the house instead of making suggestions that are impossible to carry out.

@havaianna

@Thisismytimetoshine

If you're a sahm, then the house is your workspace What way do some people's minds work? 😂😂😂 The house is not some giant soft play area where the toddler can rampage at will. Tough. Inviting a gang with extra toddlers round is really beyond ridiculous.

Completely agree.

Exercise, and lots of it, plus interacting with toddlers so they are not bored out of their minds makes them much, much easier to be around.

Run the legs off them, outdoors... Then they are happy to settle and play quietly.. Energy needs burning off.

You’re making no sense.
I have no idea what the OP’s house looks like.
Numerous people came on to say ‘shut the door’ as though it’s a revolutionary idea that she hasn’t thought of because she’s stupid.
I’ve got 3 children, all could open doors at that age. As could every toddler I’ve ever met.

Can you not create a working space in a bedroom for a while? Stressful for both of you, kitchen feels like the wrong place to be working from as central to your needs throughout the day. Even a makeshift desk/dressing table + chair tucked away in a bedroom would help you both out.

Sounds right to me, however it's possible you could have addressed it before it got to fever pitch. You kept it all in without bringing up the subject.
Usefully, your toddler created a scenario where you could bring the situation to his attention.

It's impossible to keep a toddler imprisoned in one room all day so that someone can run an office about 2 feet away behind the door. It's bad enough minding kids without having the free run of your own house.
Your DH could easily to the Zoom calls upstairs - so that's his choice.
You could get an engineer in to make sure the internet works just as well upstairs and turn a bedroom into an office.

If OP is a SAHM, then she needs to understand that money needs to come from somewhere. If her DH’s salary is their sole source of income, she should be mindful that unemployment will sky rocket over the coming months and very few industries (if any) will be untouched. The ability to work from home doesn’t make you safe.

If I were OP I would be doing all I could to help ensure the security of my husband’s job, by making it at least possible to work in peace. It’s not acceptable for a toddler to interrupt a work meeting. Nobody can afford to be complacent right now, no matter their position.

Yes I saw that but I also have two monitors upstairs, it’s totally possible.

OP has said it's not possible. And she presumably has more idea of the space available than you do.
She also mentioned the cable connection. If connection is poor upstairs then he won't be able to manage constant teleconferences. This may be fixable with a booster.

YANBU to want him to shift out of the dining room.

It's a shame it came to a boiling point. But if he was refusing to move himself out of the main living area in favour of the upstairs workspace, or to create a workspace that functions for him AND the family... well, he turned on the gas burner.

@jeremypaxo

I can't believe anyone is defending the DH on this thread. He has a choice of external offices AND a workspace upstairs! Of course he should fuck off elsewhere! Jesus. "Why weren't you watching your DS?" Give me a break. This isn't the 1950s. Your DH needs to grow up and take his precious second monitor somewhere else.

I can't believe this is a serious response.

There are excellent reasons right now for people who do not need to not to go to external offices.

The workspace upstairs is, from what OP has said, unsuitable.

Why should he fuck off elsewhere?

Why shouldn't the parent supervising the ds at that moment supervise them? If OP posted that her DH allows the dc to interrupt her paid work when she is engaged in it and childcare is on her DH, I would think he was similarly slack and should do a better job of it.