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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threw DH out of the house this morning

326 replies

BouncyBaby2 · 21/09/2020 12:53

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

OP posts:
Minimumstandard · 21/09/2020 13:16

This is why DH scarpered back to his office as quickly as he could as soon as they reopened it. Full of the joys of family life he wasn't.

Not that we minded. It was blissful being able to make noise and mess without having him stropping about the place. I often have to wfh while looking after DS and it is a lot easier with just the two of us in the house. For instance, DS loves the office swivel chair (which he usually gets shouted at for playing with). Also, DH left his home keyboard lying around and that alone keeps DS busy for a good 20 minutes, hammering and spilling juice on it.

Dreading wfh in London being announced. We'll need a new keyboard, at any rate.

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2020 13:16

And as for controlling a toddler good luck with that they are little sods.

Soubriquet · 21/09/2020 13:16

Well if he refuses to go upstairs then you have a point

So he has to compromise too. Either he goes to the office or he fucks off upstairs

Chocolate4me · 21/09/2020 13:17

It sounds like an impossible situation to deal with day in day out, I've had 4 children and this would not work for me, and equally wouldn't work for my OH trying to work from home. He would have to work upstairs and I'm sure there would still be the interruption of tantrums to contend with. Can you get better Internet installed to an upstairs room?
I would apologise but have a conversation about how hard it is to try to keep ds quiet and occupied all day to be out the way etc. And look at finding somewhere else to work or adapting the house somehow. Not an easy situation and I don't think either of you over reacted, you'd both just had enough of a tiring situation

lhmua12 · 21/09/2020 13:18

that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in

This sounds like a cop out, it’s like this is what he wanted anyway but he didn’t want to suggest it. He wanted you to suggest it so he wouldn’t look like the bad guy - it’s a win-win situation for him

SantaClaritaDiet · 21/09/2020 13:19

have asked him to move upstairs, right to the top room (our bedroom) which has a little workstation area there, BUT HE REFUSES!!!!!!!

then he's an idiot but he still needs to move upstairs.

No parent in their right mind would work downstairs in a family room.

DottyFlossie · 21/09/2020 13:19

YABU

Mypathtriedtokillme · 21/09/2020 13:19

If he refuses to move to a more convenient to all the family position then he can deal with toddler interruptions.

Both of my dd’s were climbers and literally would be on the table as soon as your back was turned (The chairs were kept on top when not in use so they couldn’t)
Open plan spaces are communal

ivfbeenbusy · 21/09/2020 13:19

*he's positioned himself in the main room of the house which you have to access to get to the toilet/garden/the kitchen!!!! I have asked him to move upstairs, right to the top room (our bedroom) which has a little workstation area there, BUT HE REFUSES!!!!!!!
*

This information should have been in put opening post

Regardless if he physically can't set up 2 monitors and the cables in the top took what do you expect him to do.....really?

And as for the play dates you are WAAAAAAY out of line and if I was your DH I'd be throwing the lot of you out. That's really selfish to arrange that when he's working from the house 🤷‍♀️

Purplelion · 21/09/2020 13:19

YABVU. You both need to make compromises at the moment. He’s found where being set up at home is ideal and you need to work around that. WFH isn’t fun for a lot of people but the need for your DS to have free roam of the house doesn’t trump the needs of your DH to have a quiet space to work at home. Take your son out, play in other rooms, watch films, go to the park. It isn’t just your house, you need to come to an arrangement that works for everyone and not just you and your son.

SuzieCarmichael · 21/09/2020 13:20

You would probably be getting less flak OP if you explained the house layout a bit more. It sounds as though the ‘dining room’ is actually an area in the centre of the ground floor which is basically a corridor for getting to all the other bits of the house? Rather than a separate room which can be shut off and separated from the rest of the house?

If that’s the case then YANBU. He needs to move upstairs to work at the desk there. Or bog off back to the office.

Friendsoftheearth · 21/09/2020 13:20

YANBU and I am amazed it has taken you nearly seven months to get this point, particularly if he can work elsewhere easily!!!

SantaClaritaDiet · 21/09/2020 13:21

He’s found where being set up at home is ideal and you need to work around that.

clearly it's everything BUT ideal. A family room is not a suitable home office. Unless there is a massive drip feed, he needs to isolate himself upstairs and make a desk in his own bedroom where the children do not need to go.

Purplelion you are talking absolute nonsense.

Deux · 21/09/2020 13:22

YANBU as he has other options which he has chosen to not use.

When my DH was about to wfh he seriously thought that he’d just plant himself in the kitchen despite us having a spare room and a separate living room. Oh and also one of his work offices would be unoccupied as well.

It would have been intolerable for everyone and I have teens not toddlers. I do think there are some men out there who expect everyone to fit in around them and my DH has this tendency.

Anyway I told him in no uncertain terms the kitchen was out of bounds as it was a communal space for all of us. He was a bit start about it but I wasn’t budging. We have a Lifetime brand folding table so he used that in the living room and could have twin monitors, work phone etc all in one place.

HumphreyCobblers · 21/09/2020 13:22

Well my 22 month old ds would have behaved like this and he has grown up civilised and well behaved. Some children are just more determined than others. At this age it would have taken all my efforts to stop him doing something if he had decided he was going to do it, just saying NO and redirecting his attention would not have worked.

Seeing as your dh is in the downstairs through room YANBU to ask that he relocates, either to the upstairs or to a different office space entirely

RedskyAtnight · 21/09/2020 13:23

DH needs a space at home where he won't be disturbed.
He also needs an area where he can be comfortable and work effectively (is that why he's refusing to move to the bedroom?).
I'm wfh. I hate the way my work space is encroaching onto family life. It's neither set up well for me or anyone else in the house, but I'm having to manage the best I can.

My DH worked at home for years while my DC were small. Toddlers can be trained to stay out of rooms where someone is working.

None of this ideal, but banishing him is not the best solution.

Purplelion · 21/09/2020 13:23

I didn’t even see you’ve invited people round for a play date tomorrow! That’s makes you even more unreasonable in my opinion

Purplelion · 21/09/2020 13:23

@SantaClaritaDiet

He’s found where being set up at home is ideal and you need to work around that.

clearly it's everything BUT ideal. A family room is not a suitable home office. Unless there is a massive drip feed, he needs to isolate himself upstairs and make a desk in his own bedroom where the children do not need to go.

Purplelion you are talking absolute nonsense.

Which part of my post was nonsense?
Calabasa · 21/09/2020 13:27

are you living somewhere the kids dont count in the rule of 6?

if you're in england, then you, DH, DS, 3 other kids and their parents/moms is not 6!

oh, and yanbu if he's being unhelpful with refusing to work upstairs.

Original poster
BouncyBaby2 · 21/09/2020 13:29

@SuzieCarmichael

*You would probably be getting less flak OP if you explained the house layout a bit more. It sounds as though the ‘dining room’ is actually an area in the centre of the ground floor which is basically a corridor for getting to all the other bits of the house? Rather than a separate room which can be shut off and separated from the rest of the house?

If that’s the case then YANBU. He needs to move upstairs to work at the desk there. Or bog off back to the office.*

Yes you've got it. We live in a small cottage (two up, two down) with a downstairs toilet. All areas are pretty much accessed via the dining room - garden, kitchen and bathroom as well as the front room, where the tele is. So it's an area that is always in use

OP posts:
moveandmove · 21/09/2020 13:30

YABU.

RoseTintedAtuin · 21/09/2020 13:30

YABU. Your husband is working to provide for you in a difficult situation. It is clear he is at the bottom of your priorities. Keep your toddler out of the room and teach him how to behave when DH is working. Your priorities are skewed if you think your toddlers right to roam freely outweighs a wage being earned.

BigPlanes · 21/09/2020 13:30

You are both being ridiculous.

You can’t expect him to be in the same room he sleeps in working all day, he’ll be in the same room for what 18? 20 hours a day? That’s awful for his mental health.

You sound like you’ve got very little control of your child and this age group can be trained to stay away from a working parent.

Agree with other posters, you need to look at moving things around in your home. If the living room is less accessible then move him in to there and use the dining room during the day.

Your child is not paying the bills so doesn’t get to totally dominate the house.

starfishmummy · 21/09/2020 13:30

I really cant understand why you have invited other kids round!!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/09/2020 13:32

Yanbu
If you're a sahm, then the house is your workspace. He cannot take it over just because he doesn't want to work upstairs. Tough shit! If he wants quiet then his options are to relocate to the workstation at the top of the house or go to the office.
The toddler is not at fault for being a toddler.
I think some posters are imagining a separate dining room that you can close off, rather than a central living space that you need to cross on order to access the garden, kitchen and loo.