Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

Most of what you’ve said, you’re not being unreasonable but the play date thing is ridiculous. Assuming you’re in the UK, should you be having that many people over under covid rules? Even if not, it’s a very unfair thing to do, even if he does work upstairs. Inviting one kid and one parent over is different. Play dates are for non working days in this house with small (noisy) kids.

Play date aside, can your husband not be flexible and compromise? He could spend some time upstairs, some time downstairs and some time in the office.

Similar situation here. Answer has been baby gate across the room and I do lots of trips out. Don't know what will happen in the winter when I can't be out all the time though 🤷

Why doesn't he just rig up some cables tacked to the wall to the upstairs? Wouldn't that be better all round?

Your DH should be working upstairs. He should buy one of those fold out tables (like a camping one) and set it up in your bedroom. Do you have a spare room?

I don't agree with you that he should go back to the office. WFH can be such a good thing for family life. By WFH, I'm sure he can be there more for the school runs and he doesn't have to commute home.

I do also think that you need to be firmer with your DS. You shouldn't allow him to repeatedly climb up onto the table and grab at everything. 22 months is not too young to have boundaries.

Have an honest conversation with your DH and tell him that he needs to work upstairs as it is just not working with him in the kitchen everyday.

The husband does need to keep his job. So it's his responsibility to find somewhere appropriate to work. It's not the OPs job to facilitate that by giving up her own access to the main living areas of the house. Her responsibility is to her own job and to her child, when it's OPs turn to look after him.
He could investigate solutions to his IT needs. But of course it's easier to expect the rest of the family to be massively inconvenienced.

All those saying he should set up in their bedroom... Would you like to be confined to your bedroom for 18 hours a day?
That's really unhealthy.

RE the playdate:
Covid aside, it is in no way fair to bring children into your house unnecessarily when your DH is working at home. You are adding fuel to an already raging fire.

@Thisismytimetoshine

All those saying he should set up in their bedroom... Would you like to be confined to your bedroom for 18 hours a day? That's really unhealthy.

But OK for the child to not have access to the outdoors?

All those saying he should set up in their bedroom... Would you like to be confined to your bedroom for 18 hours a day?
That's really unhealthy.

That's exactly why I returned to our office the moment I could. Gave a small cheer when it reopened after six months shut. If we have another local lockdown that shuts the office, I'll just have to lump it but will know it should be shorter this time round. I still think he should work upstairs.

@DeRigueurMortis

I was about to say YABU and need to better control the kids until you explained the layout of the house.

If he's determined to work in the room that effectively provides access to the kitchen/garden (ie a thoroughfare) then he can't reasonably expect that space is "private".

It's not fair on anyone else in the home especially when he has an alternative option upstairs.

It might not be as spacious but it would afford the privacy he needs without impacting everyone else in the house.

Just to add, I do think you are being U about the play dates if your DH is working.

I think you have to accept at the moment those need to be done out of the house or at someone else's home with more space (Covid regulations depending on what's appropriate).

@SantaClaritaDiet

Your DH should relocate in your bedroom, and your child kept away from there. It's not that hard.

If for any weird reason it's not possible, transfer your child in your own bedroom and use his as an office, which is less ideal.

YABU to use "22 months" though.

What the hell is wrong with 22 months?.

At that age I wouldn't say nearly 2 as eight weeks is a long time in development of little ones.

I feel your pain OP! Our kids are older but I came this close to throwing him DH out today too -- he has a beautiful study we set up when lockdown first started and full run of the drawing room too, but persists in working from the kitchen. Loudly!

This is why wfh, when it hasn't been properly planned is an absolute nightmare.

At that age I wouldn't say nearly 2 as eight weeks is a long time in development of little ones.

you are not talking to your health visitor, it's completely irrelevant and very cringey. Unless the DH is waiting to relocate upstair on his child's second birthday, which is very unlikely?

But OK for the child to not have access to the outdoors?
Of course the child has access to the outdoors, he's not being confined to the cellar.

*All those saying he should set up in their bedroom... Would you like to be confined to your bedroom for 18 hours a day?
That's really unhealthy.

I don't work 18 hours a day personally. And yes, HAVE WFH in my bedroom. It's absolutely fine as long as you take 2 minutes to set yourself up properly and are comfortable.

If you decide to stay in your pjs and work from your bed, it's silly but no one is forcing you to. The time you save on commute and time-wasting office nuisance you can spend out of your bedroom, either having a social life, doing sport and basically having a life. It's absolutely bliss.

My bedroom with an actual window and my choice of decor has always been a much better and healthier option than a desk in an office fighting over the air-con, sitting near people bringing germs in the office and basically breathing.

If people decide to go from their bedroom to their bed to watch mindless tv, it is unhealthy but blame their attitude, don't blame WFH. The same people would slump in front of a screen as soon as they come home anyway.

I don't work 18 hours a day personally
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
He sleeps there too 🙄

He sleeps there too

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

No one is asking him to sleep at his desk 🙄

You are not been unreasonable I would of been pissed off and told him to leave aswell.

YANBU.

He can't position himself in a room that's needed for access to all the other ground floor rooms and garden but then complain when his family need to gain access.

That said, I wouldn't be organising playdates at home when he's WFH.

@Whatruthinking

There are some awful nasty angry snotty women on here! Some of these comments are shocking ( if they are from actual Women and not bored kids!) I would have lost my shit and told him to get lost as well. Kids are hard enough. You are both having a tough time. And no, a person can’t magically create a brand new room in their house. What’s she supposed to do, pull it out of her arse?? Hopefully he will have calmed down now as will you. And it’s just a tough day. One of many it would seem. And btw, some employers would refuse to allow you to work in the magical mystical shed you’re also going to pull out of your rear end and build in the fucking garden... think insurance and data protection etc..... I’ve already been through this ..... you had enough today. Don’t let these nasty witches make you feel bad. God, thank fuck you don’t live with them!!

You sound just lovely yourself, with your calm, reasoned, not remotely childish post which wasn't littered with insults about pp whose opinion was counter to yours

You need to control your child.

Climbing up on tables and pulling plugs and throwing food and drink everywhere isn’t on and you need to clamp down on it. And no, “he has a tantrum” isn’t a good enough reason not to. This is precisely why children have tantrums, because they’re not getting their own way. Put a baby gate on the dining room and tantrum equals time out. He will learn. But if you let him do everything he wants right now play dates will soon become a thing of the past because no parent wants a child who is that disruptive coming round to play.

As for saying the child won’t have access to the garden if there’s a gate on the dining room, of course he will. Presumably you supervise your child when he’s out there? So, child wants to go to garden, you go with him through the dining room and out the other side, then shut the back door. There are ways to manage this.

And cancel the mass of children coming round. Even without your DH working from home it’s unreasonable and breaks all the guidelines...

Presumably when he has a tantrum it's annoying for the DH who needs quiet to work. I think that's the point. I'm sure she is controlling her toddler, but controlling toddlers is NOISY as a rule.

...although no doubt somebody's going to come and say 'none of my children have ever made a noise louder than a fly fart even when mid-tantrum without my permission. Even in the womb I was able to stop them kicking too hard' in a minute

The bottom line is that if OP wants her husband to keep his job and his salary coming into the household, then he needs to continue to deliver. If he doesn’t his job could be at risk.

Except he has other offices and the top floor where he can work and keep his job.