Threw DH out of the house this morning

[BouncyBaby2]

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

Do you have anywhere upstairs he can work
I don't have young children but dh working from home and was on kitchen table doing zoom meetings etc and moaned at teenagers for coming down whist on a call as the two ds pretty much live in fridge or their rooms , dh has had to buy desk and put in our room out of the way
Not great as we really don't have space for a desk anywhere but it is what it is for now

can he go back to the office OP? I know of workplaces that are allowing a limited number to go back. Sounds like it would be the best solution. Or is there room in your bedroom to put up a desk?

I don't know how people in smaller houses or flats are doing it without a dedicated office space

I'd let the kid scream his head off at his dad each day and everytime the idiot asks you to shut the child up, I'd say 'there's a desk upstairs for you to work at, since you clearly like the noise, deal with it'. He'll soon move.

There are some awful nasty angry snotty women on here! Some of these comments are shocking ( if they are from actual
Women and not bored kids!) I would have lost my shit and told him to get lost as well. Kids are hard enough. You are both having a tough time. And no, a person can’t magically create a brand new room in their house. What’s she supposed to do, pull it out of her arse?? Hopefully he will have calmed down now as will you. And it’s just a tough day. One of many it would seem. And btw, some employers would refuse to allow you to work in the magical mystical shed you’re also going to pull out of your rear end and build in the fucking garden... think insurance and data protection etc..... I’ve already been through this ..... you had enough today. Don’t let these nasty witches make you feel bad. God, thank fuck you don’t live with them!!

Also without being rude your ds has to learn he can't go everywhere if a door is closed or a stair gate etc

@SweetPetrichor

You clearly didn’t bother reading my posts. I work too. And why on earth do you assume I want to live like a 1950’s housewife? How do you know he’s the main earner?

Do you actually have anything constructive to say or are you all full of assumptions & obvious bias against SAHM’s?

What a bizarre post

You are both being massively unreasonable, find some common ground and work out a sensible plan - this shit isnt going away any time soon

I can't believe some of these responses - essentially kowtowing to "big important man must have the exact space he demands despite being in the way of family life".

The man has another office space upstairs.

He also has the option to work from offices.

OF COURSE YANBU OP!

Op.

You can't keep your toddler silent and on tip toes but do you think the following is acceptable:

1. Turning the power on and off
2. Bashing toys on monitor
3. Spilling food and drink on the equipment
4. Grabbing at his headset
5. Inviting over three other children-one of whom is a baby-into this situation

I don't think any of them are.

Btw, when you work at your job is it in or out of the home? If it's out, you're lucky not to have to contend with this and if it's at home, do you really put up with all five points?

I'm going to hazard a guess and say you don't.

In addition, it is not Stepford Wife like to say that whoever is earning money to pay bills-you and your husband-should not have to risk losing that wage because a toddler is, I'm sorry to say, out of control.

Just to make clear: out of control, is not shouting, running or even a meltdown-it's all the other things you say he does and which I have helpfully listed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, I would have told to go back to work a lot sooner if it was me.

I think you do need to have a conversation tonight when he gets home about he has 2 choices he either works in the bedroom and not take over the whole house as it is not fair on the children or yourself if you are having to contain them in small space for hours. Or he can go back into the office.

You all live in the house and it's not fair for one person to dominate the whole house. It's only going to get worse as the weather worsen into winter unless he expects you and the DC to be out in the wind, rain and cold for hours on end because he working.

Your DH needs to move upstairs. End of.

@LovelyLovelyMe

Op.

You can't keep your toddler silent and on tip toes but do you think the following is acceptable:

1. Turning the power on and off
2. Bashing toys on monitor
3. Spilling food and drink on the equipment
4. Grabbing at his headset
5. Inviting over three other children-one of whom is a baby-into this situation

I don't think any of them are.

Btw, when you work at your job is it in or out of the home? If it's out, you're lucky not to have to contend with this and if it's at home, do you really put up with all five points?

I'm going to hazard a guess and say you don't.

In addition, it is not Stepford Wife like to say that whoever is earning money to pay bills-you and your husband-should not have to risk losing that wage because a toddler is, I'm sorry to say, out of control.

Just to make clear: out of control, is not shouting, running or even a meltdown-it's all the other things you say he does and which I have helpfully listed.

Total sense. My thoughts entirely.

I just find it astonishing that he thinks it's ok to take meetings with a toddler causing chaos in the background. It's seriously unprofessional, especially when he has other places he can work.

@SantaClaritaDiet

It sounds perfectly clear that he cannot relocate to the room upstairs, because he cannot there use the equipment necessary for him to do his job, so that isn't an option.

and you get that from..?

Not the person you were asking this to but we get it from knowing about technology and how it works.

Flip the door Handles round so ds has to push them up instead of pull down. We did this in our kitchen and it stopped ds for another year.

This will get worse in the winter months. I would’ve been pulling my hair out in this situation, luckily mine are all young adults now. He has to work upstairs if he doesn’t want to be disrupted or put up with a toddler having a melt down every 5 minutes, his choice. While the weather’s nice I would make the most of being outside, it’s going to be a long winter x

Your toddler sounds like a little manic lol. How is he allowed to climb up like that? You actually let him grab cords & press buttons? Just keep him out of your husband's workspace. He needs to be supervised at all times - that's your job.

Do you not go out to parks/classes/play dates during the day? And why the heck are you inviting people over when your husband is trying to work?

Sounds like there is a pair of you in it to be honest. Surely you can stop a toddler from spilling things on equipment and turning things on and off while your husband is working. And also arranging playdates while he's working from home? That's out of order imo. Different scenario but my DH works nights and I'd never have a couple of kids and a baby over while he was in bed.

That said, your DH should just go upstairs if theres adequate space and Internet access up there.

DH has worked from home for 5 years. I have people round when he’s working, otherwise I’d never be able to have people round in the week. He isn’t bothered.

He has space upstairs so he should use it. Of course he’s being ridiculous.

My DH has. Set up in our bedroom, I work at the kitchen table. We can do that because our downstairs loo is off the hallway and the garden accessed through the living room.

There is nothing reasonable setting up in the main thoroughfare of the house when you have a toddler.

I was about to say YABU and need to better control the kids until you explained the layout of the house.

If he's determined to work in the room that effectively provides access to the kitchen/garden (ie a thoroughfare) then he can't reasonably expect that space is "private".

It's not fair on anyone else in the home especially when he has an alternative option upstairs.

It might not be as spacious but it would afford the privacy he needs without impacting everyone else in the house.

Your DH is a twat: he needs to be in the workspace upstairs if he wants to work from home while you're home trying to entertain small children.

YANBU.

@anuffername

How does a 22 month old reach up and turn door handles?

What a ridiculous comment.
By reaching up and turning them of course.

My DGC is 17 months - they are up and walking and can open most of our doors. A neighbour's child is 15 months. They aren't walking yet but can easily pull themseles up to reach the door handles in their house.

Not sure why you find this so baffling?

Ha! Well the doors in our house, and my parent's house are around adult shoulder height - there is no way a 22 month old could reach them - my 3 year old has trouble. But I guess our door handle heights are unusual then! I wasn't particularly baffled by the way - but thanks for your faux concern 😂 I am however baffled about why the OP is inviting multiple children and I assume their parents round for a playdate with their current wfh set-up though.

I have an adult aged child now but let me tell you...he was an absolute Tasmanian devil at 22 months! You'd think a cerebral palsy diagnosis would've slowed him down-nope! I couldn't keep him away from his father and accomplish anything else, baby gate or not, so I definitely understand this post! I wouldn't have told my hubby to go to an office- he'd have fled the house ASAP!

TBH its all about compromise. None of this working from home is ideal, but if one is working and the other not, then it’s the job of the none working parent to supervise the dc as best they can. If I was your DH I would be going ballistic if I was trying to work and my none working partner wasn’t supervising the dc.