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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threw DH out of the house this morning

326 replies

BouncyBaby2 · 21/09/2020 12:53

I threw my husband out of the house this morning (not as in, we split up but told him to go work from one of his local offices.) During the pandemic he's been working from the dining room table - every day. He has two monitors on, leads everywhere and phones/boxes/testing kit all over the shop. Our DS2 is just turning 22 months old and climbs up onto the chairs in the dining room, then onto the table. He also crawls under the table and turns DH's power-lead off and on, and off and on. He grabs DH's laptop and presses keys, bashes his toys all over the monitor, spills drinks and food everywhere over all the equipment. I literally spend ALL my time trying to either contain him in other rooms when we're in the house, or freaking out trying to stop him wrecking DH's workspace.

This morning DH had logged on as normal, took DS1 to school and then came back and tried to get on with some work. Started a zoom call with one of his supervisees; DS1 gave up playing in the other room as soon as he heard dad's voice and came running in. Climbed on the chair, tried to grab his headset. I removed him from the arena of conflict..........cue meltdown. DH had to end the call due to the screaming. He tried to then get on with some emails. I calmed DS1 down, went to the toilet. Next thing I hear is "Oh FFS!!!". Returned pretty quickly to see DS1 sat on the table right next to DH's laptop. They were engaged in some kind of mild combat, with DH swearing and trying to remove the machine out of the way whilst DS1 grabbed at it and then the headset and leads.

I picked DS1 up and he had another tantrum. DH shouted "I can't work in this circus!" I felt really stressed and lost my temper. I told DH to just fuck off to one of his offices, that he had no idea how bloody stressful it was trying to manage a rampant toddler whilst he worked. He shouted back "that's well out of order, now I've got to find an office to work in," and gathered up his equipment in a rage and stormed off.

I feel a bit guilty now but honestly, I've had enough of him working from home. I can't manage the day without it turning into a conflict at some point. He's on calls/zoom meetings all the time, he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. I just don't want him all day every day whilst I'm also trying to provide a comfortable, free environment for the boys. I also arrange playdates with friends and their little ones, and tomorrow I've got two other little boys coming over....and a baby. They'll be everywhere. I want him to work in his offices on the days I've got kids here (I work myself 3 days a week) so don't mind him being here on those days.

Was IBU to throw him out of the house and to expect him to go into an office???

OP posts:
averythinline · 21/09/2020 15:17

He's being a twat...you have a room that can be an office....does he expect you to walk around the outside to the garden!
Although am not sure inviting people and other small kids around for play dates makes sense when you know he's working either...

Sit down and plan whose going to be doing what where...

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2020 15:18

How does a 22 month old keep managing to climb on top of a dining table?

Surely you'd remove the chairs around it before he falls off and splits his head open?

RedskyAtnight · 21/09/2020 15:18

[quote Havaiana]@Ohtherewearethen

OP has said that her husband can't work upstairs because he needs two screens and good connection, which suggests that this would not be suitable for upstair

Except she hasn’t said this at all. I despair of some posters sometimes.[/quote]
Other than where OP said
"he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. " .. you mean?

Mamathebest · 21/09/2020 15:18

And if he refused to entertain working upstairs then he will have to accept the disturbances. Not your problem, your doing your job and how he chooses to do his, is his problem.

Havaiana · 21/09/2020 15:22

@RedskyAtnight

Other than where OP said
"he refuses to move his workspace upstairs because he needs two monitors to work and a good cable connection. "

But she didn’t say her husband can’t work upstairs. She said she asked him to move upstairs and he refused.

Sounds like he can’t be bothered moving the monitors and cable upstairs.

Nikori · 21/09/2020 15:22

@WorraLiberty

How does a 22 month old keep managing to climb on top of a dining table?

Surely you'd remove the chairs around it before he falls off and splits his head open?

I remember when my son was about 14 months old. I put child locks on all the kitchen cupboards to stop him pulling all the plates and cups out all the time. He toddled over to the cupboard, squeezed the button, opened the door, shut the door and locked it again. What can you do? Toddlers are curious. They get into everything. I assume it would be a long working day for the OP's DH if he wasn't allowed a chair to sit on while he was working at the dining room table. Even though that might solve the OP's problem.
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2020 15:23

Your DH is being unreasonable. He can’t commandeer the main through room of the house for the whole day.

I think a PP is right to suggest swapping the dining and sitting rooms over so he can shut the door. That way you can access the kitchen, garden and loo without disturbing him. Otherwise he works upstairs.

I am the main earner and I am currently WFH. If we didn’t have a study I would work in my bedroom when the DC are off school.

RedskyAtnight · 21/09/2020 15:24

This whole thread hangs on whether OP's DH

  • CAN'T work upstairs (which is what OP suggests and in which case it might be that creative solutions - e.g. booster, moving furniture can help )

or

-WON'T work upstairs (in which case he probably needs to suck it up)

Too many people are assuming the latter.

We have a very small spare bedroom. I couldn't work up there as there really isn't room to work effectively (I'd be squashed in next to the desk) and the WiFi connection is dreadful. So I have to work in a family space and everyone else has to put up with it. I'm not happy about that, but neither am I happy about having to work from home. We all have to find a way to make things work at the moment.

Mamathebest · 21/09/2020 15:27

@FunTimes2020

What a unhelpful post. He sounds like a normal toddler who wants to explore his environment. Yes they do push boundaries and you have to continuously reassert them at this age. But you also have to be realistic on how much you can expect from a not even 2 year old. I’m actually amazed a forum full of mums need to be told this. There’s been more posts making the OP feel bad about her parenting then there are actually discussing anything to do with her husbands behaviour.

Thisismytimetoshine · 21/09/2020 15:28

i assume it would be a long working day for the OP's DH if he wasn't allowed a chair to sit on while he was working at the dining room table. Even though that might solve the OP's problem.
I imagine Worra excluded the chair he'd be actually sitting on from the one's the toddler was climbing on.
Honestly, was that a smartass answer or could you genuinely not work that out?

SweetPetrichor · 21/09/2020 15:31

So for logistical reasons, the dining room table is the best place for him to work in the house. In that case you, as the sahm (I assume...since you don’t appear to be working in this scenario), need to do your job and keep the child out of your husband’s way so he can work. If you want to live the sahm 1950s housewife role, then do your job. YABU to dictate where he - the actual weave earner carrying the family - does his work.

Amani · 21/09/2020 15:31

YABU

LindaEllen · 21/09/2020 15:33

Honestly, if he has offices he can work from, and it's stressing you out this much, he should. WFM was only ever supposed to be a temporary measure for most workplaces. Children shouldn't have to be kept quiet in their own home, and he won't understand why he can't go and talk to Daddy if he can hear him. It's not fair on anyone! If he can't have a room that's dedicated to work, and he CAN go back to the office, he should.

wildcherries · 21/09/2020 15:36

If you want to live the sahm 1950s housewife role, then do your job. YABU to dictate where he - the actual weave earner carrying the family - does his work.

The OP works three days a week. I've come down on the side of the husband here, and I stand by that, but OP does work.

WiggleSquiggle · 21/09/2020 15:37

I think the best solution is as a PP said and to change the rooms around whilst he WFH if he actually CAN’T work upstairs which would probably be better from a noise point of view.
So the living room next to the kitchen/garden/downstairs loo, and get a little table and chairs in the living room for DS to use at meal times, if DH isn’t going to be joining you. Then DS doesn’t need to be going through the room your DH is in, and he’s no longer trapped to one room essentially.

cheeseycharlie · 21/09/2020 15:42

Not read whole thread but just a response to the OP, that you're both at the end of the tether and maybe follow up with a calm conversation to acknowledge tempers are frayed all around and ask that he either agrees to make the upstairs office usable (by getting whatever cable he needs in there and bigger desk or whatever he needs for monitors) and/or going to workplace from time to time.

cheeseycharlie · 21/09/2020 15:44

Oh and YANBU by the way!

cheeseycharlie · 21/09/2020 15:45

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Yanbu If you're a sahm, then the house is your workspace. He cannot take it over just because he doesn't want to work upstairs. Tough shit! If he wants quiet then his options are to relocate to the workstation at the top of the house or go to the office. The toddler is not at fault for being a toddler. I think some posters are imagining a separate dining room that you can close off, rather than a central living space that you need to cross on order to access the garden, kitchen and loo.
This
Jux · 21/09/2020 15:46

Remove the table. fold it if you can. Eat on your knees for a while. Take all his gear up to his workstation.

Tell him he's a selfish idiot and if he insists on working htere then he gets what he deserves.

Poulter · 21/09/2020 15:46

@SweetPetrichor

So for logistical reasons, the dining room table is the best place for him to work in the house. In that case you, as the sahm (I assume...since you don’t appear to be working in this scenario), need to do your job and keep the child out of your husband’s way so he can work. If you want to live the sahm 1950s housewife role, then do your job. YABU to dictate where he - the actual weave earner carrying the family - does his work.
What a nasty patronising post. If you had bothered to read the thread you'd spot that the OP works three days a week as well as looking after the children and probably doing all the housework.

OP your husband is being a nob. He has two options that he chooses not to take up because he prefers them, making your life ten times more difficult. YANBU.

SantaClaritaDiet · 21/09/2020 15:47

if you want to live the sahm 1950s housewife role, then do your job. YABU to dictate where he - the actual weave earner carrying the family - does his work.

the old hatred and bitterness against SAHM is back by the look of it Grin

Apart from the fact that the OP is actually WORKING, some posters are clearly projecting and still very jealous.

SweetPetrichor any normal parent, mother or father, only works to provide the best life they can for their kids. Kicking them out of the house to have peace and quiet is not the best life for your kids...

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2020 15:48

@Thisismytimetoshine

i assume it would be a long working day for the OP's DH if he wasn't allowed a chair to sit on while he was working at the dining room table. Even though that might solve the OP's problem. I imagine Worra excluded the chair he'd be actually sitting on from the one's the toddler was climbing on. Honestly, was that a smartass answer or could you genuinely not work that out?
I was just going to ask if she was serious 🤣
slipperywhensparticus · 21/09/2020 15:50

@SweetPetrichor

So for logistical reasons, the dining room table is the best place for him to work in the house. In that case you, as the sahm (I assume...since you don’t appear to be working in this scenario), need to do your job and keep the child out of your husband’s way so he can work. If you want to live the sahm 1950s housewife role, then do your job. YABU to dictate where he - the actual weave earner carrying the family - does his work.
She does work
HamishDent · 21/09/2020 15:52

@sadie9

If OP is a SAHM, then she needs to understand that money needs to come from somewhere. What a charming response. Yes - why are we SAHMs worrying our pretty little heads about money. We should stick to what we know like wiping your children's arses and getting your fucking dinner. Let's all hunker down in one room for 8 hours because your Father needs the dining room and kitchen and women and children must do what he says. Without questioning his decisions.
The bottom line is that if OP wants her husband to keep his job and his salary coming into the household, then he needs to continue to deliver. If he doesn’t his job could be at risk. It’s not about deferring to the ‘man’, it’s about being bloody sensible and protecting the family finances because presumably they need both salaries to live.

I would say exactly the same thing if OP was a man posting about his wife.

SBTLove · 21/09/2020 15:52

Yes the DH is a twat as he has other space to work from but allowing a toddler to get in the room, on a table , spilling food is a bit much. Door shut with a wedge and knock if you need in and if toddler has a tantrum don’t give in or else he will think tantrums get you what you want. I find it hard to understand how 2 adults can’t manage a toddler.

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