To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

Now children are back at school, there is predicted a significant rise of Covid in the community. Try watching Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Valance

How does this affect the age of the grandparents in question? You are assuming the grandparents of the babies in question are old and at risk. (which was the salient point)

Do her parents know she's struggling. Not all children want to tell the parents that they've somehow failed. I once DD finally opened up about her struggles, not a single mum, we worked a out a framework for helping. Until lockdown we had DGS for a weekend once a month so she could have some me time .

What about the fathers?

And what about the fathers parents?(also grandparents)

All I’d say is that things are not always as they seem. Could there be a bit of pride getting in the way of asking for help? My parents were amazing when DD was tiny (and still are, now she’s nearly 4) and I hope that they consider how much love my DD clearly has for them as some kind of pay back! But I HATE asking for help, I’m lucky enough that my mum seems to spot what’s needed. My MIL would love to have the kind of relationship with my DD that my mum has. But we’ve always had a fairly awkward relationship, so I don’t feel comfortable asking for help, and she doesn’t feel comfortable offering!

I often see threads here where GPs are seen as interfering, so I can easily imagine someone feeling too awkward to offer support, even when it’s quite obvious it’s needed.

These have been quite unprecedented times. If these ladies are normally coping well, it’s possible their parents just don’t see how tough things can be right now. When planning for children, I had assumed no support from family (although when it came to it, we were lucky enough to have it), but I DIDN’T plan for childcare to shut down and for other sources of support to become impossible. If I had, I think i would have underestimated the difficulty!

Family dynamics also vary hugely. There is ALWAYS a backstory, and outsiders rarely hear all of it. Perhaps the grandparents don’t feel that support would be returned if they needed it?

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that grandparents are still parents and you would think they would want to support their children if they were able. It's also true that at 40 you don't know how energetic you will feel at 70. It will vary considerably from person to person. I think it's sad if grandparents aren't interested in helping.

Is there a reason your friends haven't asked for help?

They both seem aghast at the idea. They're both women who have had difficult lives to some extent and have overfunctioned for a long time. I don't know if that's related, I think they've just learned not to ask parents for help.

That's my armchair psychology for the day. May be way off.

In my case, my parents would love to spend time with my kids and jumped at any chance to come round. My DH mother ( his father had already passed away at this time) was very much hands off. I think she preferred to spend time with them when they were young adults. That said she fairly wealthy and has given to them all substantial amounts. She also has a lot more GC which may also have a bearing.
By the sounds of your post there may be health issues that you need to take in account.
Its a very difficult situation and like others have said here maybe other issues that you do not know about.
I think what you should concentrate on is listening and helping her out yourself whenever you can.

Personally I find it so strange I help with after school care and did 3 full days when granddaughters younger and would do more if needed yes I had my children but there father is still my child and them his so would always help .its just do alien to me to see your own struggle and not lift a finger to help .

@Devlesko

They've done their bit, it's not fair their dd found a feckless man. It's tough but not the job of grandparents.

Bit when it stop being the job of parents to help their child? This isn't about grandparents doing things for their grandchildren but parents helping their grown children

There's probably a reason why they aren't asking their parents for help then as rubbish as it is that they seem happy to see their adult children struggle. Its hard for people to come to terms with if they've come from a nice normal family. I can't imagine treating my DD the way I was treated because I love her and want her to be happy and supported. Not all parents are like that.

yanbu.

Unfortunately, a lot of GPs are selfish and self absorbed. If it was me, I'd remember the lack of help when they got to the point of needing care themselves. I certainly wouldn't be assisting.

When I had Dd very sick as a baby and not sleeping all night due to her health problems, I had my Mum telling me that exh “should” be helping me, and my exh saying my Mum “should” be helping me as he was working. They actually had a massive row and Mexican stand off about it one evening when my Mum was staying as both were so determined the other should do it. Which didn’t help me, the person already on her knees who ended up awake all night again.

Yes, my Mum was clearly in the right as between the two of them, but sometimes some one just has to help!

Please note he is now an ex. And expecting a baby with someone else, poor woman.

It takes a very cold and selfish person to not want to help your own children or spend time with your own grandchildren. However, you reap what you sow. Eventually, children grow up and grandparents get older and more in need of help themselves. At which point, I think a lot of people would conclude there isn't the relationship or inclination there to give them the time or support they might wish to receive for themselves.

My parents would gladly help me now its not a question of night time help but they don’t live nearby sadly.

I'd be grateful if my and husbands parents want to get involved (and I am when they do) but no - I would not consider it their duty in any way. We wanted a child - its our responsibility to provide and take care of her.

@C8H10N4O2

Now children are back at school, there is predicted a significant rise of Covid in the community. Try watching Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Valance

How does this affect the age of the grandparents in question? You are assuming the grandparents of the babies in question are old and at risk. (which was the salient point)

Younger grandparents are probably still at work. You don't have to be old to be at risk.

As I said, caring cuts both ways. It appears to be so easy to ask your parents to babysit, regardless of their circumstances and then to say they don't care if they don't step up.

It's a bit rough on GPs though. If they never particularly wanted to be GPs and they certainly didn't order their children to reproduce - having children was a 'want' of the parents, not the GP's - to then be asked or expected to help, can be tough.

Yes, it's nice to help out now and again. But most GPs are still working. It's hard enough to carve time for yourself out of a working day, when that time is expected to be spent looking after children that aren't yours; that's when life gets tiring.

Some GPs want to do that. Some don't. I know one set where the GM is having the GC every day, all day, and the GF is pretty pissed off about it as he wants to travel and get out and about but they are bound to the house by the GC. It's causing problems in their marriage.

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I’m sorry for your friends OP. Sounds shitty. I don’t have any parental support for various reasons but wish I did. I don’t understand how a present could watch a child struggle and not want to help.
Perhaps there are other issues, my narc mother would swear blind she was gods gift as a grandmother but she’d never actually lift a finger to help in a practical way.

I have 5 DC, all young with small age gaps.

Had no help or real emotional support when I had 1 DC, so decided to just have more DC as we wanted a big family. (I know that is a sin on MN).

For us, the issue is not so much that we don't have practical support and that we pay all childcare for work and also social time.

Our sadness is that we don't feel loved by our parents, and see how superficial their interest in the grandkids is.

They love seeing pics of them, but don't actually know them as unique individuals.

Well you see this is what happened

Mums in the 1970's and 1980's decided to go out to work. They paid a local lady to mind their DC or they had their own mum who was excited to earn money for herself for the first time or was a martyr who was happy to mind the GC for free.

But why, oh why, would these women (some of whom have not even retired and many of whom have just retired ) now go and look after their GC? My DM always worked when I was growing up and she made it clear to us that she would never be a free or even paid childminder. So I know not to expect it.

I honestly think it is crazy and very entitled and anti-feminist for younger women or even middle aged ones (but less so) to expect their mums to mind their DC, full time and for very little or even no pay. It may take a village to raise a child but please, let the dad and grand dads run that village for the next 200 years while us women play catch up.

Would like to think I would help if needed. Hard say some families great some not. I see my neighbour they all rally when needed. My mam would be zero help you would have to drive over for her!!!

they clearly need some support.

I agree that families are complicated.

For example, in my family, that support would be available, more fair to say that it would be forced upon you. Along with a blanket of obligation

DH's family are much more distant, value independence more

One is not better than the other, there are just different dynamics. I tend to ask for help too readily, DH probably errs on the side of being too distant.

Different, one is not better

Haven't read the whole thread but "it takes a village to raise a child" makes no sense if parents don't want any actual input in the raising of children. Grandparents aren't servants - they should actually have input if you expect them to be caring for your children.

MN would go crazy if a MIL suggested not having that third or fourth child that you can't afford but then the MIL is a bitch for not spending the next 10 years as a childminder.

All these "it's none of your business" posts are becoming so boring.

It's an anonymous forum and mostly everything we write about is "none of our business". Wind your fucking neck in, would you.

I agree, OP. Takes a special type of selfishness to sit and watch your daughter struggle, when you've the means to support them. I for one would never sit back and relax with friends whilst my DD suffered. Just selfish and unloving, I think. All of this "we've had our children" shite is so wrong. Your children are grown up, doesn't mean they don't need support. When my DC's turn 18, I won't miraculously stop supporting them and they won't stop needing me.

My parents would help in that position but we are a supportive family and I would do lots for them too. You just dont know the back story and no, parents dont have obligations to their adult children in western culture.

The single mum friend, where's the father if the children. That's who has the obligation to pitch in.