To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

@Sertchgi123

Family OUGHT to help

No, you've chosen to have children you can damn well look after them.

Well you had them too, at what age did you stop caring about their welfare and helping when and where you're able?

And I don't mean quitting work to care for their 5 kids whilst they work or having to check every weekend if they need you before you can make plans. But if you're child, regardless of their age, is in their knees, and you're around, your available, why wouldn't you?

Eh I'm a LP and my mother is like this. Very very fit and active, hasn't worked in 35 years, lives 5 minutes away etc.

I'm struggling massively with a FT plus job and 2 DC who are still not in back in school. DM has just decided to go on holiday to another country
(she has a house there) for 'a few months'.

Sure a bit of help would've been great, but she's not obligated and she'll never even think of offering let alone putting herself out to give me a hand, so I'm not going to give myself any extra stress by worrying about it.

How often do we see here “They’ve had their turn, it’s yours now”? You really can’t have it both ways.

I would help any child of mine who was in a mess, I absolutely would. However, grandparents should not be seen as regular childcare unless they volunteer and really want to do it.

At present grandparents should not be caring for grandchildren, due to Covid.

Many grandparents still work too, so possibly don't want to fill up any spare time looking after stroppy toddlers!

I can't plan my life around the next call to "help out" with the grandchildren

No but in an extreme situation such as we have at the moment, most parents do offer what help they can rather than sitting back saying smugly that they chose to have children they can damn well look after them. Just like most children do try to help out aging parents where they can.

Assuming normal functioning relationships.

When my son was two he needed an emergency operation in a city around two hours drive away from my parents. He was there nearly over a week in the high dependency unit as he had complications after the operation. He was hooked up to all sorts of wires, unable to move and needed one of us by his bedside 24 hours a day as he got extremely upset if he was left alone for even a minute. At one point the consultant was talking about him possibly having a rare liver disease. It was an incredibly scary time.

My parents, who have been driving long distances all their lives, were both retired, so I thought they might visit their only grandchild while he was seriously ill in hospital. However, they told me they couldn’t come as “we don’t like driving in city centre traffic” and “we have book club on this week”. Unfortunately some grandparents just aren’t interested.

@C8H10N4O2

I can't plan my life around the next call to "help out" with the grandchildren

No but in an extreme situation such as we have at the moment, most parents do offer what help they can rather than sitting back saying smugly that they chose to have children they can damn well look after them. Just like most children do try to help out aging parents where they can.

Assuming normal functioning relationships.

Grandparents should definitely not be helping out at present, due to Covid.

I think it's less a case of grandparents stepping up and more a case of a parent actually caring

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

Grandparents should definitely not be helping out at present, due to Covid.

• depends on the age of the grandparents
• there are exceptions for caring duties in families

Why didn't you step up to help your friends in need?

@C8H10N4O2

Grandparents should definitely not be helping out at present, due to Covid.

• depends on the age of the grandparents
• there are exceptions for caring duties in families

Unless they are especially young, most grandparents will be in the "at risk" category.

This needs to be considered if you're expecting them to babysit, especially now the children are back at school.

I just wondered, did your friend asked for their help? If she did and they refused, then maybe they are uncaring. But if she didn't, maybe there must be a reason why they don't help, or she doesn't ask?

Unless they are especially young, most grandparents will be in the "at risk" category
This needs to be considered if you're expecting them to babysit, especially now the children are back at school

Well even by MN advanced child standards I don't know many babies or two year olds in school.

They are also statistically likely to be in the younger range of grandparents.

Is there a reason your friends haven't asked for help? The issue that not all GPS are actually very helpful. Now DD is a toddler DPs help one day a week with childcare which is great but she was born they were crap and would berate me for not changing bedding before the visited (id a c section) as my mum wanted to take it home to wash it so she could "feel helpful". PIL would turn up with a professional grade camera to take photos with baby to be plastered all over SM before sitting to be waited on. Both told everyone how much they were 'helping'. In actual fact both were only seeking to help me sink further into PND and PNA after a traimatic birth where my baby nearly died (MIL made this clear it was worse for her of course) and i felt I was expected to suffer because they had unsupportive parents themselves and slightly relished putting me out whilst in pain and exhausted.

They've done their bit, it's not fair their dd found a feckless man.
It's tough but not the job of grandparents.

I'd say it's probably complicated and none of your business. FWIW I am a Granny who is supporting my dd who is a single working parent. It's not something I planned or wanted and being childcare Granny tires me out but I do it for my daughter. I would much rather have been the Granny who was visited for fun like my dc's grandparents were. I couldn't see my dd struggle maybe other parents would find it easier to ignore though.

I don't think grandparents should do anything. If they do it's a bonus. Mine didn't / couldn't help me through the home schooling / working hell. I didn't ask or expect them to. It's not really crossed my mind that they could have helped. I certainly wouldn't be happy about a friend starting a thread on Mumsnet about it.

@C8H10N4O2

Unless they are especially young, most grandparents will be in the "at risk" category This needs to be considered if you're expecting them to babysit, especially now the children are back at school

Well even by MN advanced child standards I don't know many babies or two year olds in school.

They are also statistically likely to be in the younger range of grandparents.

Now children are back at school, there is predicted a significant rise of Covid in the community. Try watching Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Valance.

They are predicted 50,000 cases a day by mid-October.

Caring cuts both ways. Your parents should be cared for as well, by protecting them from the grandchildren.

there are exceptions for caring duties in families

Lol, only on MN.
Well, of course the virus won't strike if you have an exception to care Clever virus.

It’s a spectrum whereby some grandparents are permanently involved in bringing up their DGC at one end to others who rarely see their grandchildren from one year to the next. There are plenty of grandparents supporting adult D.C. within that spectrum though.

The grandparents that I know do far too much for their entitled adult children who prioritise their own needs above their parents and expect their parents to cancel their plans at short notice in order to facilitate their adult children’s social lives.

It’s partly the grandparents fault because they can’t say NO to their spoilt kids. In the instances I’m thinking of, the grandparents are in their 50’s and still working but find it really tiring. It’s ridiculous.

I always wonder how this attitude evolves through life stages

I secretly wonder that too. I've not been the mother I imagined I'd be, so many things I hadn't bargained for. I wonder if old age will be the same

If they decide households can no longer mix, that will mean grandparents won’t be allowed to help look after GC I assume.

I dread to thunk what’s going to happen. So many people will be stuck without childcare. I think this is so unfair, especially if they keep leister facilities open etc.

This is MN where the vast majority of posts say it’s not their responsibility. I despair really, where is the family support,
Love and care for one another. If it’s in my power of course I will help my children with what they need, they’re my children for life. I say this as someone who has zero support as we live abroad from parents and I am NC with my own mother.

This is anecdotal. 1) If it's a social problem 2) on a national scale then there might be something in it. Until then it's anecdotal and not your business. Even if your friends tell you her parents could be helping more, you still don't have the parents' view.