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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grandparents need to step up

652 replies

mypetEufy · 21/09/2020 11:10

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

OP posts:
rayoflightboy · 23/09/2020 18:59

I find it weird they don't want to help their daughters too OP. I think sometimes grandparents are like teenagers and have forgotten, or choose to forget what it's like.

Not every GP has a daughter.Im the dreaded MIL.Who is surplus to requirement especially on MN.

bingowingsmcgee · 23/09/2020 19:03

Totally agree OP. I've seen this situation too in a friend's life. Her dh left her, pregnant with their 3rd child and she struggled and struggled for 3 years with a faulty Boiler, constantly cold house, ill baby, upset toddlers... Mega-rich parents lived over the road but just popped by for the odd coffee. She didn't even have chance to shower or cook a meal. I was absolutely stunned, and still am when I hear about this kind of neglect within a family.

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 19:04

I think there can be a lack of understanding on both sides.

Grandparents are often still working now, with their own children still at time, but still suffering from the growing loss of energy, health issues that often come as companions to ageing. And yes, they have done their time with the parenting of very young, very demanding little ones. And they do want to carve out some time for themselves. On the other hand, they often forget just how bloody neverending the demands are with little ones, and how hard they found it, how much they either enjoyed, or wished they had the support of their parents in giving them some respite, or helping out, financially, with care, or however.

Some people can be incredibly demanding of their parents. I know of one daughter who when she got pregnant, sat her mother down and asked her which three days she'd be looking after the grandchild. When her mother was a bit nonplussed, and a little reluctant to commit herself in such a way, she was told that she'd better, or she wouldn't be seeing the grandchild at all.

PablosHoney · 23/09/2020 19:05

@rayoflightboy, my MIL was a great parent and is a even more fantastic grandparent in my eyes so there is hope.

Leaannb · 23/09/2020 19:06

@Zyzxyz

Thanks but seriously it's the truth. Government's are the reason for all this madness and disruption in the world. Trump did not want to appear to be colluding with the Chinese in his trade war so Covid samples were sent from a Winnipeg level 4 lab to a lab in Wuhan, China where an employee was late in returning the samples and placed them in a drawer where it unleashed this germ warfare pandemic on the world. Now all of us are suffering for it. Why do we allow this b.s. to continue?
You do realize that Trump has absolitely nothing to do with what happens in Canada,right?
Zyzxyz · 23/09/2020 19:10

Yes mbosnz,
It has everything to do with grandchildren, parents and grandchildren. If your government were actually competent at protecting their citizens, which is their #1 job. Then this would've never happened and we wouldn't be living in this dystopian nightmare. Imagine a world that actually worked for its citizens? Wow! What a concept.

Aerial2020 · 23/09/2020 19:13

Because some parents/grandparents are shit.
Basically. Not everyone has lovely parents that are supportive

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 19:14

Well, I absolutely respect your right to believe in what I think are absolutely tinfoil hat grade conspiracy theories, but I personally think you're talking a load of bloody rubbish, that is utterly tangential in relation to the subject matter of the post - and I'm afraid that with this Government, I will not ascribe a great deal to malice, because I'm sure they're at least 99.95% incompetent. . .

HateIsNotGood · 23/09/2020 19:18

Please stop arguing about it - there is an undeniable social change that has happened in the past few decades - linked to the longer life expectancy, working T&Cs, pensions, property, etc, etc that have benefitted the previous 1 or 2 generations.

At 58 I'd fall into that age group too, but it's not a given that all who are of the 2 generations before are guaranteed that 'life'.

Nonetheless, I do feel certain in that in our new post-consumerist age, the new GP generation and the next, will be rather more helpful than those that are the 'reluctant' GPs of now.

Leaannb · 23/09/2020 19:19

@mbosnz

I think there can be a lack of understanding on both sides.

Grandparents are often still working now, with their own children still at time, but still suffering from the growing loss of energy, health issues that often come as companions to ageing. And yes, they have done their time with the parenting of very young, very demanding little ones. And they do want to carve out some time for themselves. On the other hand, they often forget just how bloody neverending the demands are with little ones, and how hard they found it, how much they either enjoyed, or wished they had the support of their parents in giving them some respite, or helping out, financially, with care, or however.

Some people can be incredibly demanding of their parents. I know of one daughter who when she got pregnant, sat her mother down and asked her which three days she'd be looking after the grandchild. When her mother was a bit nonplussed, and a little reluctant to commit herself in such a way, she was told that she'd better, or she wouldn't be seeing the grandchild at all.

You are also forgetting not only are some Grandparents still working, still taking care of children at home bit also taking care of elderly family members.
Zyzxyz · 23/09/2020 19:20

Leannnb, Are you honestly telling me that that the Canadian and American government's don't collude on policy, trade?

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 19:22

You're not wrong Leeannb, sorry for leaving that out!

HateIsNotGood · 23/09/2020 19:31

To add to the bizarre "it's the govt" explanations, I've also noted that those whose paid employment involved looking after people (not necessarily caring about them) were less inclined to help with their GC.
Mostly they were paid by Govts to do their paid 'looking after others' Employments.

Not drawing any conclusions, just an observation, but maybe they were/are so desinsitized to 'need' that they have this fu unless you pay me and my pension attitude?

Just a suggestion.....

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 19:34

No, I'd say the most likely explanation is that they are physically and mentally drained from their paid caring job, meaning they had very little left to give.

Zyzxyz · 23/09/2020 19:43

Seriously? I don't charge anything to help my disabled friend. I do it from the goodness of my heart because she needs help. If people turned away from their governments, their lives might improve. In America, people are paying teachers directly to form pods of 6 children. It's a low tech solution to a problem. Governments create more problems.

Zyzxyz · 23/09/2020 20:03

And calling the truth tin foil hat conspiracies makes one wonder when the world is falling apart before their eyes. The truth is too much to bear for some. Bury one's head on the sand or better call it a conspiracy theory which have been proven to be true. Damn, get these Gov't minders off this website.

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 20:07

Smile. If you say so.

bambinaballerina · 23/09/2020 20:11

I agree with you and think YANBU. Nuclear family is a relatively recent social structure that is not present in many parts of the world. The idea that a mother and a father must be left completely alone and see it as a badge of honour is part of what makes parenting so hard.

The same applies to older people though, they are more at risk of being socially isolated.

rayoflightboy · 23/09/2020 20:18

@PablosHoney Phew

No both my Dils are lovely,i have been blessed.But sometimes you cant do right for doing wrong.

PablosHoney · 23/09/2020 20:19

The thought scares me as I have a son as well as daughters and would hate not to be a part of his children’s life in the future if he gets a highly strung one, it wouldn’t be my fault I’m a peach 😀

rayoflightboy · 23/09/2020 20:21

@PablosHoney me too WinkGrin

mbosnz · 23/09/2020 20:23

I've got both girls, one clucks at the sight of a baby, the other breaks out in hives. I hope we'll be in a position to offer whatever help they want or need - so long as that's not taking the piss, which I'm sure they would not.

In my case, 500km was both a blessing and a curse. The blessing outweighed the curses, lol.

Leaannb · 23/09/2020 20:55

@Zyzxyz

Leannnb, Are you honestly telling me that that the Canadian and American government's don't collude on policy, trade?
Not when it comes to private labs.
Leaannb · 23/09/2020 20:57

@Zyzxyz

Seriously? I don't charge anything to help my disabled friend. I do it from the goodness of my heart because she needs help. If people turned away from their governments, their lives might improve. In America, people are paying teachers directly to form pods of 6 children. It's a low tech solution to a problem. Governments create more problems.
We don't need to form pods of 6 in most parts of the country. We just can't congregate with more than 25. What about all the parents who jave decided to form home school coops? I teach math and Science and my friend teaches English and history and another friend teaches computer science and PE
choli · 23/09/2020 21:22

@ZarasHouse

I don't think it's grandparents needing to step up. I think it's parents needing to realise that being a parent doesn't end the day your child turns 18.
So you think that parents should be at the beck and call of their adult children for the rest of their lives?
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