To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

One of the reasons my husband and I decided not to have children was because we’d hate to be lumbered with Grandchildren. It was a big factor in our decision making. That and the fact that parenting doesn’t stop at 18. It doesn’t automatically become ‘your time’ then. Adult children can be an absolute nightmare. My 35 and 40 year old brothers are still living at home. My parents have genuinely considered moving out and leaving them behind. Having children can be a life sentence but it’s yours to bear and nobody else’s.

I think a lot of Grandparents do childcare because they feel obligated but they don’t really want to. Several people have admitted this to me.

@Sertchgi123 @expatinspain
For example I was meant to meet DM for lunch. I had been up all night with DD ( teething ) and I kindly asked if I could come to her house instead or her to mine. She declined and said she was looking forward to going out as had been at work all week. So she went out for lunch without us. She knew I was at home knackered and just want a more easy going lunch at home. There's no support.

[quote jop67]**@Sertchgi123* @expatinspain*
For example I was meant to meet DM for lunch. I had been up all night with DD ( teething ) and I kindly asked if I could come to her house instead or her to mine. She declined and said she was looking forward to going out as had been at work all week. So she went out for lunch without us. She knew I was at home knackered and just want a more easy going lunch at home. There's no support. [/quote]
I think you're barking up the wrong tree, looking for support to be fair. I can see it from both sides now. Sorry but it's just the way it is for many people.

My parents are still both working full time as both my sons are leaving home, I don't know what they could or should have done when they were busy loving their lives having already brought up a family. Families are complicated and I have rarely asked the grandparents for support, or particularly received it in the terms described above, they never babysat or anything like that, and we did go through some serious times with one of the boys health. We are still a loving family. It would be easy for an external observer to draw an opinion that there was a lack of connection, but that would be completely untrue.

@jop67 People forget what its like to have young kids.
Would you not ask them to take the dc while you have a rest.Or tell themto meet you somewhere child friendly.

I suppose it depends what the GPs originally said they could do. I thought my Mum would be a fabulous hands on Granny, albeit at a distance, as she'd been moaning for over a decade about how she was the 'second best Granny' to my DB's family as my SIL's parents were very involved. Had DD, my Mum stayed for two nights, drove us home from hospital and... that was it. I developed severe PND but she wouldn't come and visit (for context last year she drove more than the same distance every week to see a distant elderly relative). She generally saw DD 3-4 times per year, but wants lots of photos to show her friends and funny stories to tell them. She slags off a friend of hers for being a hands on Granny, that friend was shocked when she found out by accident my Mum had never even changed a grandchild's nappy, it wasn't the image Mum had presented. If she does meet up she doesn't want to do something child friendly but sit for hours in garden centre cafes which is impossible with a toddler!

I never expected childcare. We had a nursery lined up for that. But it was the little bits of help that we needed and couldn't get - eg someone to look after baby when I went to the dentist. Maternity leave was a nightmare as we simply had no support available (HVs etc barely exist where I live). It became easier once I was back at work and could make medical appts in work time when we had a nursery place.

As for father's stepping up, DH was magnificent. He took paternity leave, but a lot of men can't afford to even take off the two weeks as it often isn't paid beyond statutory level. He did loads, and carried on doing loads but he did have to go back to work - commute and full day. To cover a dentist appt he'd have had to take a day's leave.

Of course, it backfired on my Mum during lockdown. The hands on Granny friend was quickly back meeting up with her DDs and their children as soon as it was allowed. My Mum had become lonely during lockdown and was horrified when we refused to have her to visit as she wasn't taking sensible precautions and DH is vulnerable.

second best granny
she wants the kudos, she wants the number one slot!
(but she doesn't want to do anything that feels like work or make any sacrifices🙄)

@rayoflightboy yes tbh I have stopped mentioning it as I get the comments of " aww your so lovely DD , not an ounce of trouble - I don't know how anyone can say you are any trouble " or " DD is so easy to look after you are so lucky such an easy baby not any trouble at all" so now I feel I can't raise it that I would like a break so I pay £30 for a 5 hour morning nursery session instead once per week.

@rayoflightboy yes if we meet at the park DM wears white shoes that she can't go on the grass in 🤦‍♀️ and MIL goes out the night before and is hungover . MIL had DD once while we went to the cinema when she arrived I asked if she had a nice evening ( I knew she had been out for a meal the night before and saw she was dancing in the garden 4 am on her Facebook) she responded with yes but too many cocktails I said do u feel ok and she said oh sort your own childcare out our then. That ship has sailed

@rayoflightboy Just to add MIL was always pestering when we would have children to give her a grandchild and even now she constantly asks when I will have another. Odd

@jop67 ok fair enough.They sound like hard work.

It is awful when you dont get a break.I remember i used to bribe my son to collect the younger kids,so i wasnt up and down to the school constantly.

I had three under five and lived 200 miles from any family. My third was not an easy baby, he was a very poor sleeper and had various health issues. I couldn't drive back then and I had to walk two miles to the doctors with all three children in tow. At the time, I just got on with it. I didn't give a thought to grandparents stepping up.

@Sertchgi123 I think that's understandable 200 miles away.. I think it can be more frustrating when the grandparents are fairly local

I find it really funny here when so many people rag about the Radford family having so many kids yet, she seems to do a brilliant job at taking care of them, then some only have one child to take care of and are nearly ripping their hair out looking after one child. Then demanding, tired granny to do more babysitting after she's raised all of her kids and still worked a 40 hour/week job. It's a sense of entitlement I don't really understand.

@Zyzxyz my DH was raised by his nan, auntie and grandad and lived with them while MIL cracked on with her career

I’ve never been able to understand family that doesn’t help family, if they have the capability. I don’t mean full time childcare, just helping keep on top of things, carrying the load a bit. My daughter is a single parent and if our daughter is working and the housework is getting a bit forgotten because she’s exhausted, I will go round and blitz the place. She did a 38 hour shift as a support worker the other day, she was teary and wanted her dad to pick her up as she was finishing after 10pm and would be waiting ages for a bus, It was no bother, we even greeted her with a chilled bottle of Prosecco. She’s trying her best, we can see that, we help out because she’s our child and we love her. Also our grandsons would also suffer if she had no help.I know some grandparents are unable to help due to distance or health but your friends are not supported at all, it’s very sad.

Yanbu. I never understand this. I have a toddler and horrible morning sickness and my mum brought me my favourite home cooked meal. Equally I do little things for my parents and wider family. I thought that was just family life?! My cousin just had a baby and the restrictions mean we can't visit but I want to deliver meals in a couple of weeks to help out. Just seems normal to me.

I just feel the world would be a much happier place if people allowed others to be who they are and not guilt trip people into doing favors for them. If granny refuses to help babysit then so be it but don't judge her for it. Love and appreciate her regardless. The only pressure people should be pressuring are their own governments who steal your wealth then give you shitty healthcare, education, housing in return. If people demanded more from their criminally inept governments who steal from them, life would be a lot easier and a happier place. All you all are stressed out to the max because governments were allowed to fabricate germ warfare. Now we are all suffering because of this B.S. Government's don't have any right to destroy humanity like this.

I just feel the world would be a much happier place if people allowed others to be who they are and not guilt trip people into doing favors for them. If granny refuses to help babysit then so be it but don't judge her for it. Love and appreciate her regardless. The only pressure people should be pressuring are their own governments who steal your wealth then give you shitty healthcare, education, housing in return. If people demanded more from their criminally inept governments who steal from them, life would be a lot easier and a happier place. All you all are stressed out to the max because governments were allowed to fabricate germ warfare. Now we are all suffering because of this B.S. Government's don't have any right to destroy humanity like this.

Good on you for getting that off your chest! Now maybe a nice cup of tea and a lie down?

It's a close one isn't it? I went for YANBU in the end.

Based on that there absolutely should be no 'expectation that any GP should 'step up' in any way.

And all the infinite variations of families, circumstances and specifically the GPs involved.

I do think that the era of the 'self-centred GP' is a short one and will diminish soon. I think it's connected to the consumerist age of the past 50 yrs, which is diminishing fast.

Yes, my GPs helped my DM with her DC (as well as GM running her own business) far more than my DM helped with 2 out of 3 her GC.
But I do understand some of the reasons - DM was just set in a certain era that she reacted to.

I'll be more like GM, helping where I can, if I have GC, despite running my own business too.

Thanks but seriously it's the truth. Government's are the reason for all this madness and disruption in the world. Trump did not want to appear to be colluding with the Chinese in his trade war so Covid samples were sent from a Winnipeg level 4 lab to a lab in Wuhan, China where an employee was late in returning the samples and placed them in a drawer where it unleashed this germ warfare pandemic on the world. Now all of us are suffering for it. Why do we allow this b.s. to continue?

And this has any relation to grandparents/parents/grandchildren's interractive relationships how?

It seems that a lot of grandparents are younger than they used to be and are still bringing up younger children. Whatever anyone says if your adult child rings you looking for comfort and reassurance and you offer none, there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

I don't think it's grandparents needing to step up. I think it's parents needing to realise that being a parent doesn't end the day your child turns 18.

I find it weird they don't want to help their daughters too OP. I think sometimes grandparents are like teenagers and have forgotten, or choose to forget what it's like.