To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

@DrSK2

Well, to me, grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work and step up whenever they are needed. This is part and parcel of being a parent - an obligation to your child. This is what I saw from my lovely parents and hopefully what I will do to my child too. I cannot comprehend the selfishness of otherwise.

You are delusional...Its amazing that grandparents are not allowed to have lives so they can provide child care while our children work. That is not our job. Nice to know that grandparents are nothing more than freaking babysitters. Work their entire lives just to retire then end up working for free the rest of their lives. What a nasty attitude. I couldn't imagine asking any of our parents to give up the rest of their lives because WE decided to jave children. Make sure you include your parents on when you decide to have children after all they should have a say when you do since you expect them to babhsit for you while you work

I find it strange some grandparents can watch their own children struggle. When I was mid 20s and had baby born with lots of health issues, I was so down and worried all the time, had no sleep as baby was on ng tube feeds every 2hrs and my own mother only 44yrs old and unemployed no health issues, never once helped me even with emotional support let alone come help with baby/house. Hubby was great but working 60hrs a week so some help in the day would of been amazing but nope. I think some grandparents just think mothers have it all together 🤷🏽‍♀️

YABU because it is none of your business and you really don't know the background.

I struggle with this whole question, to be honest.

Raising my DC it was all on us, on the parents and the network of friends we built. We supported each other, swapped tasks and kids with each other if we needed to, and it was good. In laws did not ever, ever, have the DC for any reason. Even though they lives locally, were retired, fit and healthy. My parents in another country, so not available.

I have 2 DGS's and would happily have them anytime. I could not, however, be responsible for daily childcare. i work full time (normally long day in the office), DH is retired but busy, and is only comfortable having boys for short periods, if alone with them. In normal times, we would have them every other weekend from noon Saturday til 4:00 Sunday, to give their lovely DP's a break. We have also cooked, shopped, cleaned, given financial support, if circumstances dictated a need (after C'sections for example). We love them, and are delighted to do whatever makes their lives a little easier.

Since COVID, we have visited in our garden every week, but have done so with masks and distance and no touching. That means my DS and DIL have not had a break - without DC - since March. They live in a tiny apartment, and it must be really difficult. They never complain, but they must be desperate for even a few hours as humans, not parents. It breaks my heart!

My mum was a fantastic grandma and helped out as much as she was able to . MIL was also brilliant and did what she could within reason. I am now helping my daughter out as much as I can ...surely that is what families are all about !! 🤷‍♀️

@Queenfreak

Yanbu, I don't know a single family irl that operates in an isolated unsupported island. Some part of their family, or even friends provide either practical or emotional support. Even my fucked up family, my parents would be here from abroad in a heartbeat, should I need them

This is rubbish! Just because YOU don't know anyone who has no support, doesn't mean we don't exist! I'm a disabled single mother to a disabled 5yr old with ZERO support from anyone. I only have two friends who aren't the type I can turn to for help. I chat to them but don't get to see them much and one is a bloke who doesn't do sympathy(!) and the other has enough of her own issues and we chat every few days. That's it! No family help. I have to get on with it.

Oh and to clarify, no help from my child's father's side either. None at all

@movingonup20

Personally I couldn't watch my kids struggling how you describe but in reality it isn't their responsibility, it's not their child. The people who should be helping are the kids fathers (apologies if these are both widows but it's highly unlikely)

What? So because the fathers should be helping but aren't, that means they can't have help/support from anyone else? Eh????

@OverTheRainbow88

When I’ve finally retired I will not be looking after young GC (if I have any) in a regular basis. I’ve done my hard work child rearing, working crazy hours and if I make it to retirement I want to relax, travel and see my friends/family. I don’t want to commit to being home every week even if it’s just for one day.

Saying that, lockdown was unprecedented so can see that extra help would have been needed- but initially this was allowed anyway.

How self absorbed

@LakieLady

Why aren’t the children’s fathers stepping up in these circumstances?

Took the words right out of my keyboard!

These babies have 2 parents. The fathers need to help.

GPs have done their time rearing their own kids, and working. They deserve to enjoy their retirement and relax. If they want to take an active role in rearing GCs, then that's great, but it shouldn't be an expectation. After all, I doubt if they were consulted before the babies were conceived!

But sometimes they don't.... We can't force fathers to step up. Then what? The mothers get zero help just because the fathers should but won't?

@Alwaysinpain...Thats the chance you take when you have kids. Partner may die, walk away whatever. You need to make sure you can handle the simple basics. Emergencies are one thing. Of course family should help out. But to expect grandparents to give up their lives to babysit while you work on a permanent basis is freaking ridiculous. Grandparents are more than just grandparents. They are bird watchers,knitters,canoers,quilters, volunteers, and travelers.They are humans and should not be guilty and forced to watch children the rest of their lives. They have worked their lives and retirement is for them to enjoy themselves. To travel around in RVs, impromptu trip to Figi, tennis lessons, golf, book club or whatever they want or they could be even like me. This is the time for them to explore interests and see everything they couldn't while raising their own children. Pursuing their own interests shouldn't make them monsters. Of course grandparents should make an effort. A reasonable and babysiting on demand is not it. Its unreasonable. Its definitely not fair. Our lives don't stop because our children have kids.

It's a shame but they really have no obligation to help out. They've done their child rearing.

But why have children in the first place if they don’t want to be in it long term 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not great to just have kids then abandon them once they hit 20. Who are they expecting to help them once they’re too old to care for themselves?

My DM falls into the non-helping category and I’m on the verge of going NC because not only does she offer no support at all, she’s judgemental with it and actually becoming quite emotionally abusive to one of my DC. We get nothing from having a relationship with her on either an emotional or practical level. In fact she makes our lives worse.

I remember a colleague had similar with her mother and she really wasn’t all that bothered when she died, more relieved - it was quite sad really.

Another lady I met had some MH probs stemming from the way her mother treated her (or failed to treat her!). She was insignificant to her mother - again so sad.

Then there are all the amazing hands-on, helpful GPs some of whom go way beyond the call of duty...

Grandparents are under no obligation to help out, presumably there is a father so they should be the first port of call. When we have children we take on the responsibility to look after them until such time as they don’t need it.
Using your argument do you think that children have a responsibility to care for their parents when they get old?

@BumbleFlump

It's a shame but they really have no obligation to help out. They've done their child rearing.

But why have children in the first place if they don’t want to be in it long term 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not great to just have kids then abandon them once they hit 20. Who are they expecting to help them once they’re too old to care for themselves?

My DM falls into the non-helping category and I’m on the verge of going NC because not only does she offer no support at all, she’s judgemental with it and actually becoming quite emotionally abusive to one of my DC. We get nothing from having a relationship with her on either an emotional or practical level. In fact she makes our lives worse.

I remember a colleague had similar with her mother and she really wasn’t all that bothered when she died, more relieved - it was quite sad really.

Another lady I met had some MH probs stemming from the way her mother treated her (or failed to treat her!). She was insignificant to her mother - again so sad.

Then there are all the amazing hands-on, helpful GPs some of whom go way beyond the call of duty...

The very professional elder attorney and long term care home insurance. I wouldn't want it any other way

But sometimes they don't.... We can't force fathers to step up. Then what? The mothers get zero help just because the fathers should but won't?
So the grandparents should be forced to take on the father's responsibilities?

@Doliv63

My mum was a fantastic grandma and helped out as much as she was able to . MIL was also brilliant and did what she could within reason. I am now helping my daughter out as much as I can ...surely that is what families are all about !! 🤷‍♀️

I agree with you. My mum and MIL both in their 70’s both helped out one day a week each.

But not all families are like this, she could ask them for help? but they aren’t obligated.

Why is it always assumed that grandparents are elderly, retired people with unlimited time on their hands?

I'm a grandma...I'm also a full time working Deputy Head teacher in a pretty stressful job right now! I'd bloody LOVE to spend more time with my grandchildren!! Unfortunately I'm teaching and fire fighting a global pandemic right now, and haven't had a day off since February! No...not even through summer, such was the amount of work required to get schools ready as a member of the senior management team 😱

Quit with the stereotypes...it's insulting!

I look after my daughters kids when she is going back to college even with having joint pains etc after her ex husband up and left her while pregnant .I love having them but love to see them go home 🏡 . My mum helped me with my kids ,so I help mine think it depends on the people x

YABU to think you know the nuances of their relationships. If it's not your family you'll have no idea why they would or wouldn't help.

I think some parents are better than other simple as that. My in laws were the ones that were there for us when we are struggling and will be with us at a drop of a hat if we needed them. My parents however have let us down on numerous occasions over the years even when I was struggling after our first child. If my dc do have kids I know which kind of GP I would hope to be.

They know I eat cereal for dinner alone after work
@PlanBee
What on earth has that got to do with anything.

My parents are non-helping and if they do help, boy do they make me know it!

I like to think I be more involved with my grandchildren in the future and take them on holidays etc. My grandparents did for me/siblings and it's sad my parents have not followed their example.

But why have children in the first place if they don’t want to be in it long term 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not great to just have kids then abandon them once they hit 20. Who are they expecting to help them once they’re too old to care for themselves?

This will be the same “kids” you see listing here about how unreasonable their parents are, how intrusive etc etc, the same “kids” complaining the their parents are undermining them by feeding their child half a square of dairy milk, or not caring for their child in the precise way they prescribed?

Being in it for the long haul doesn’t mean providing weekly childcare - it means having a relationship, being a listening ear, spending time together but it’s utterly ridiculous to start a family assuming your parents will care for your kids - they have their own lives to lead.

I have no parental support with my kids, that’s ok I chose to have children and I knew my parents wouldn’t be the type to never be away from my door. It’s hard, I juggle a lot and have changed jobs etc to make it all work - which is exactly what my parents did when they had children.

I don't think it's fair to have children and expect grandparents to take care of them. They raised their families and it's up to them how they want to live their lives. Personally, I would do whatever I could to help my daughter but I don't think you should use guilt to get help from anyone.

Read the thread 🙄. No ones “expecting grandparents to raise them” we are talking about refusing to sit with one child while you are in hospital with the other. Would you not even do that for an adult child if you were able? Personally I think that’s bloody awful.