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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grandparents need to step up

652 replies

mypetEufy · 21/09/2020 11:10

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 22/09/2020 20:32

@Chloe1973

I agree with you, grandparents should help out if they can. Why not? I really don’t get it. I am 44 years old and I have four children of my own. Even though I have 3 children under 14 years old - if my 22 year old daughter had a baby I would try to help her as much as I possibly could. I didn’t have the help that I felt that I needed when my children were little which I would have really really appreciated no end but both of my parents were in full time work at the time. We all need to support each other especially family and especially at this time.
Because some Grandparents have other things to be doing like working and still taking care of their own children,property,business etc...I see my SIL,DIL and Grandchild once a month for a family dinner. Thats enough for me right now
choli · 22/09/2020 20:32

Exactly this. Grandparents are persona non grata on MN until suddenly they’re not doing their share. They really can’t win.
Oh those grandparents...one day they are "demanding" time alone with the grandkids and overnights, and being refused it. But when the shoe is on the other foot and the parents need help, the grandparents are supposed to drop everything, to the parents surprise when they don't comply.
It brings to mind that phrase so popular on MN, you reap what you sow.

FelicisNox · 22/09/2020 20:35

I can see you've already been patronised to death, lectured that it's none of your business and there's no obligation blah blah....

You've already ascertained that in your original post so well done MN for reaching new heights of stating the bloody obvious.

YANBU.

So long as there is no threat to life and GP are socialising whilst they are not obligated to help they should WANT to help and if that's not the case they should examine their conscience.

I offered to have my DSD and DGD living back with us in our bubble almost immediately as she's a single mum trying to work and our DGD is 3 and very demanding.

The question here is not why should they but why SHOULDN'T they? Or does family mean nothing nowadays?

Somethingkindaoooo · 22/09/2020 20:48

This thread has made me so sad.

No parent is responsible for adult children, but that is where love and kindness kicks in

Myglorioushairdo · 22/09/2020 20:55

@Somethingkindaoooo me too.. Families are not perfect, but everyone can do a little bit to help someone else out. And it doesn't necessarily mean childcare..

Dontknowanymore2 · 22/09/2020 21:00

Exactly, how could ypu see them struggling if you u can help.

Arthersleep · 22/09/2020 21:01

I see your point. My parents aren't helpful. Well, my step dad is, but not my mother. The amount of times that she has seen me struggling with a migraine, two kids, a house renovation and a poorly husband (he was in a coma) etc and just hasn't even so much as offered me a cup of tea if I've popped round. Instead she asks me to make her one when I walk in through the door. I just quietly brood that one day I will be in charge of her wheelchair and perhaps I too will be equally lack lustre. My kids are my world and I can never imagine not helping them as much as possible throughout their lives.

Spaceshiphaslanded · 22/09/2020 21:21

I think it is a case of each family circumstances being different, but it breaks my heart my kids don’t know their grandparents. It baffles me the GPS don’t want to know their grandkids.
I grew up with one set of GPS who were very elderly but wanted to see us a lot, and the other set who didn’t. My mother complained constantly about my fathers parents not wanting to see their grandkids. Constantly.
So maybe it is harder said than done, when you get to gps age maybe you just don’t want to be around kids anymore.
I don’t know...but I have pledged to myself I will never ever see my kids struggle as parents. That’s all I can control after all x

ChangeMyNameAllTheTime29 · 22/09/2020 21:21

I dont get parents who dont help especially when they see their own child struggling with becoming a parent--- I cannot understand just watching the struggle and not helping

My mum lived 5 minutes away from me, she loved to buy my DD toys for her house only and clothes ect. Posts on facebook about how much she adored DD and spending time with her

But did she ever spend time properly? Did she fuck. She saw DD maybe once a week IF I arranged it. I'm not fussed about who spends what time with my children - but to make out like you do more than you do is shocking

Mary46 · 22/09/2020 21:27

I had to accept there was zero help. Its hard though. Was lucky few teens on road at time so we still got out socially if they babysat. We had get his sister in when my 2nd due no help from my side at all. That hurt me for ages after the lack of support. Ive 2 siblings

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 22/09/2020 21:28

Once a week sounds really good to me!!!'

Ive got one of the dont seem to care parents. Its taken me til Im 40 to realise this and therapy ti actively stop looking to them as my parents.

formerbabe · 22/09/2020 21:33

An example of my mil...one Christmas we were with my family, kids having a great time. Mil was spending day with sil and their family. Despite being wealthy, she lives like a pauper and refuses to pay for taxis. We had to cut our Christmas day short to pick her up from sil and drive her home across London. When she got in the car, the DC said happy Christmas to her, she nodded. The entire journey she didn't speak to us. No gifts for kids. At that point in our lives, we were so skint we could barely afford the petrol. Dh has the cheek to say I've got it in for her. Can't possibly think why?!

mbosnz · 22/09/2020 21:40

Well, I guess, the fact is, that parents have a legal obligation to their children. Their own parents do not have any legal obligation to their offspring. So you might want to think quite carefully about what you're factoring in with regards to grandparental input into helping with your offspring if they're not the doting grandparental type. . .

ladyinka · 22/09/2020 21:41

YANBU at all, I’m totally with you. But I come from a culture where 3-generational living and mutual family support is common. This goes both ways I must add - grandparents are very hands-on, but it’s also given that they will get looked after by their children/grandchildren when they are too old to manage independent life.

My DH, on the other hand, come from traditional English family with baby-boomer parents as you describe.

It’s so hard to navigate this sometime - my DPs would love to help but being a thousand miles away make it challenging, especially now. My PILs love to see pictures of the kids and occasional social visits (me cooking!), but prefer to spend their time away from any obligations. I respect their choice entirely, but it also makes me feel somewhat sad, lonely and unsupported. Especially when they could see us struggling to juggle everything, two jobs and two small kids, but would not reach out to us (apart from ‘entertainment’ of sharing their daily pics of happy life of outings, socials and relaxations...thanks for that folks, really makes me feel better to see your sunrise yoga when chasing two kids to school with yesterday’s mascara still on ).

DarkDarkNight · 22/09/2020 21:45

I couldn’t imagine being healthy and active and watching my children struggle. I don’t understand people who have children and think once they’re adults they’re on their own and should never need any help or support.

Leaannb · 22/09/2020 22:02

@ladyinka

YANBU at all, I’m totally with you. But I come from a culture where 3-generational living and mutual family support is common. This goes both ways I must add - grandparents are very hands-on, but it’s also given that they will get looked after by their children/grandchildren when they are too old to manage independent life.

My DH, on the other hand, come from traditional English family with baby-boomer parents as you describe.

It’s so hard to navigate this sometime - my DPs would love to help but being a thousand miles away make it challenging, especially now. My PILs love to see pictures of the kids and occasional social visits (me cooking!), but prefer to spend their time away from any obligations. I respect their choice entirely, but it also makes me feel somewhat sad, lonely and unsupported. Especially when they could see us struggling to juggle everything, two jobs and two small kids, but would not reach out to us (apart from ‘entertainment’ of sharing their daily pics of happy life of outings, socials and relaxations...thanks for that folks, really makes me feel better to see your sunrise yoga when chasing two kids to school with yesterday’s mascara still on ).

So you want them to give up their retirement to make your lives easier? I do not understand the jealousy in your post. You should be happy they are oit loving their life to the fullest.
Aridane · 22/09/2020 22:22

OP - you sounds so judgmental and self righteous Imhave voted YABU. However, I see it’s evenly split!

To think grandparents need to step up
Earthling1994 · 22/09/2020 22:28

You’re being VV unreasonable.
It’s not the grandparents baby, it’s the responsibility of the parent.
In a single mum to a pre schooler, I had him fairly young and a juggle working, raising him, taking care of the house etc alone.
My parents also live around 10 miles away but they have their own lives and it’s definitely not down to them to pick up the pieces when I’m struggling. I’ve spent all of lockdown just my son and I and only recently started spending some time socially with my parents again.
My child, My life, my responsibility. Not theirs.

Unsure33 · 22/09/2020 22:32

Do you know what .sometimes people just need to ASK. As a parent and especially an in law you are dammed if you do ( interfering) and damned. If you don’t ( uncaring)

skyblu · 22/09/2020 22:40

There is sometimes many other things going on in families, or beneath the surface that you see, that may be prevented these grandparents from “stepping up” as you put it.

There could possibly be lots of history that you know nothing about.
YABU to judge.

DrSK2 · 22/09/2020 22:52

Well, to me, grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work and step up whenever they are needed. This is part and parcel of being a parent - an obligation to your child. This is what I saw from my lovely parents and hopefully what I will do to my child too. I cannot comprehend the selfishness of otherwise.

cstaff · 22/09/2020 23:08

I think it is too much to expect grandparents to provide full-time childcare but every now and then, maybe once a week so the mum gets a proper organised break that she can rely on would be perfect. Obviously this can change per family but it it would be good for all parties involved - kids, gps and mum.

ladyinka · 22/09/2020 23:19

Leaannb I’m not jealous, I said I fully respect their choice. But I don’t wax lyrical about how wonderful it is to be pregnant to my infertile friend; I don’t recommend The Ivy to a fellow school mum when I see her struggling financially... if I see my elderly neighbour self-isolating, I offer them help with shopping. It’s called kindness and compassion. And yes I expect more of it being shared within close family who love and care for each other. Love comes with strings attached.

I’d never feel entitled to help, but I do expect that my closest and dearest would want to help when it’s obviously needed - because they care.

They can also rely on me to do the same for them.

PlanBee · 22/09/2020 23:37

Have you met my parents or in laws? They totally perpetuate the OK Boomer stereotype and all their children and grandchildren are mere inconveniences to them. I often wonder why they had children. They have never babysitted any grandchild once, not even for a minute, not joined us for a day out ever. They know I eat cereal for dinner alone after work. They prefer to live in the bubble of their holiday home and fat final salary pension cheques while critiquing DH and I.

PercyKirke · 22/09/2020 23:48

Families are complicated. This isn't your business.

This ^ x 1000.