To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

YANBU. My mum has told me I am making her poorly with my "demands" for her to help.

I asked her once to pick up one of my kids from school because the other one had burnt his hand so severely that we needed to go to the burns unit. I got an oooooooooh sorry I've just put a joint of meat in the oven.

One time I asked her to please collect child from school cos I was at another emergency appointment with different child. She wouldn't as it would have taken an hour! Retired at this point.

The last time I asked was when I worked in the most awful job ever with a bullying boss who said if i had any more time off I would be sacked (I had been in a car crash and been for a Physio assessment.) Obviously smallest child then got a sick bug because why wouldnt he. I asked and was told my "constant" asking for childcare was ruining their retirement.

FIL died and MIL 2 years later. Absolutely amazing people. I was packing up their house 4 hours away with DH in pieces when my Mum called to say when would I be picking up LO because she needed to do her ironing.

Havent asked again. That's just a small selection of shit they have said to us. I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever behave in that way towards my kids. Ever.

Sadly you can’t force people to care. Or to be thoughtful. A lot of grandparents have a ‘well I didn’t get any help when mine were little so why should I step in for my child?!’ Er, because mums these days have more to worry about than scrubbing a front step

First of all, you're absolutely wrong to say grandparents don't care if they don't want to give free childcare for the grandchildren. Looking after children is bloody hard work and when you've worked hard all your life you probably want a bit of time off, which is 100% deserved.

Secondly, you are utterly out of touch with reality about grandparents of today. Saying we had nothing to worry about, except scrubbing a step is actually hilarious. I had my children in the 1970s, not the 40s. We had exactly the same worries as you about our children. We also worried about money. Most of us gave up work and lived on one wage. When I got married I didn't have a washing machine, we didn't have a telephone and we had a second hand black and white TV.

When my baby was sick, one of us had to walk to the phone box to call the doctor.

We didn't have disposable nappies either.

@KatherineofTarragon you can be insulted as much as you like. That was certainly not the point of my comment. In reference to the OP where both sets of Grandparents are in a position to help but don't, is pretty selfish. Its not about providing full time childcare either, its about supporting each other when times are hard. By pointing this out is in no way insulting to people who have complicated relationships with their parents.

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld YANBU. My mum has told me I am making her poorly with my "demands" for her to help.

So stop asking her.

I agree with you, grandparents should help out if they can

Bollocks to that! grandparents are not obligated to help. Don't have children if you think it's up to someone else to look after them.

Some of the attitudes on Mumsnet, concerning grandparents are unbelievable.

Of course it would be lovely to have help, but your kids are yours, and yours alone (you and the dc father). So imo help should never be expected. Appreciated but never expected.

I have dp who had no interest in their gc and didn't help at all. I was always very envious of friends who were able to have some semblance of a social life with young dc.

@KatherineofTarragon read to the end of my post- I did stop. I also lost my job.

I’m a single mum, 3 kids, 1 disabled.I’ve struggled a lot, financially, emotionally and practically. Trying to shield my disabled vulnerable child, then get back to work. I get no help or support from friends or family at all. The grandparents won’t leave their homes and expect me to do the shopping for them. The children have squabbled and argued constantly making working from home so hard I’ve worked through the night. Frankly I’m on my knees. Money is awful, I’m tired of juggling. I dream of somebody offering help, anything, but no help ever comes. Juggling a demanding job, the house, garden, kids and now 3 different pick up times in 3 places far apart in a car that is running on luck is terrible stressful. I envy those who have help from doting grandmas and grandads :-(

@MadamShazam you do not know the full history of the Op's, GP's. Op was also posting in the second hand so this is not OP's real world issue.

@KatherineofTarragon I said everything I wanted to say to you yesterday, don’t @ me any more thanks.

I agree @Sertchgi123, I don’t believe grandparents should be obligated to be childcare either.

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld i did read to end. I also lost a job due to childcare issues.

I got another job.

Haven’t RTFT but I have gone YANBU on the basis of the social media stuff. I don’t look to GP for childcare but they irritate me hugely by wanging on endlessly about how important family is, and how much they love photos of the kids, but taking no opportunity to actually spend time with them given plenty of money, good health and spare time.

I've never relied on grandparents - they are an agreeable (or not so much) luxury. At the same time, it's best if they don't rely on me.

I agree with you. I have witnessed this with a lot of my friends also and I don’t understand it. I’m very lucky in that my parents help with DC a lot, but DH’s parents have more means to help us and don’t. The way I see it is that it’s their choice not to help us, but come time for them to need help in their old age, they better look elsewhere.

@KatherineofTarragon I'm terribly sorry that your parents are not good grandparents due to their experiences. However, you know nothing about my parents and theirtheir ability to be Grandparents. Stop making everyone's experience about your own. I am perfectly within my rights to think that my parents have not supported me through what has been a god awful few years.

"Have you factored in a mental illness within the family and those GP's?"

You say this - my daughter has tried to end her life and hurt herself in numerous inventive ways over the last 3 years and we still get no support. Shouldn't support for mental health difficulties go both ways?

To be fair I’m a gp and unless asked I wouldn’t necessarily realise there is a problem. They need to ask if they need help, we are gp not mind readers.

I know what you mean OP.

Some GPs see the role as buying the odd nice outfit and sharing pictures with their friends - oh and talking about 'how amazing' they are as GPs.

I couldn't bear to see a family member struggling.

What goes around comes around IMO.

My DM's threshold was that unless someone was being admitted to A&E, I was fine (and on my own).

Pinkrise, but you ask how they are? And are interested? And sometimes do nice things anyway? So that your child feels they know they can ask for help?

Some people (us!) Dont have this at all, so its not just lack of asking.

@PablosHoney You posted yesterday a post where you wanted to tell your own mum to " fuck off" .

Then you lecture others about how their parents should respond .

You can't possibly know all the circumstances in other people's family relationships, and I think you need to step back a bit. When you make a decision to have a child, it is your decision, not that of your parents. If you have a child you should be prepared to provide 100% of their care in all ways. Any help is a plus!

I'm a parent and a grandparent, if I can help I will, but can't deny that I tire far more quickly, and would struggle to cope on a regular basis.

I don't think grandparents should be used as a regular childcare, but surely as a parent you care for your now grown up child and want to look after them when they need a bit of help? Popping round with a meal, or full shopping bags, taking the baby for 15 mins so the new mother can gave a shower etc?
I don't get it.. Even my emotionally crippled and financially very very stingy father invites us to stay with him sometimes and whilst he doesn't babysit, he cooks for us and does our laundry.. Little things.. You really need to care for your own family.

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld yes, i have factored in MH, my mum was rescued was from a canal when she tried to end her life 4 yrs ago. We continue to support her on going MH struggles .

"The way I see it is that it’s their choice not to help us, but come time for them to need help in their old age, they better look elsewhere."
Your parents spent years of their lives bringing you up. By expecting help with grandchildren are you not expecting them to do a double shift? While I would never leave my adult children to struggle, I do hope when they have their own kids they don't expect me to do regular child-care. I'd find it absolutely exhausting to mind a toddler all day.

The strange British attitude to family is so apparent on here. If you’re estranged from your family, have issues with abuse etc, then it’s completely normal to not want/offer to give help to
those family members. If you are a normal family, with a normal level of issues (nobody is perfect!), then why on earth would you want to see your child/parent struggle or suffer in any way if you were physically/emotionally able to help. That would make you an utterly selfish person. ‘I’ve done my child-rearing’ or ‘I’ve got my own family now’ are just cop out excuses for being a selfish twat. No one deserves to click their fingers and get childcare, or whatever, whenever they fancy it, but that’s completely different to being in genuine need of help. If you can’t turn to your family at those times, that’s a pretty sad state of affairs.