To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

@Brainfogmcfogface, that’s awful. Sorry to hear of your troubles.

I've voted YABU purely because they're grandparents, not parents. They raised their kids so anything they do to help with grandkids is lovely, but it shouldn't be expected, and I don't think any less of my own parents for not wanting to have my kids often. That said, if I was single and struggling, I'd like to think they'd help out if possible.

I had zero support from my parents & in laws when I was 16 & pregnant, I was told I had made my bed & to lie in it basically, luckily 20 plus yrs later I’m still with the dad of my kids, I had awful PND I hid it, I was scared of having my baby taken off me, food banks didn’t exist back then so we lived on toast, beans & rice pudding, the electric would run out so would eat beans cold from the can or rice pudding, now I’m a nana myself I do a lot for my DD & GD, I have my GD when my DD works, my GD stops over at the weekend so my DD can have some time to herself, I would never want her in the same position I was!

I can only say from my perspective but my in laws our purposely moved near us to be involved with the family and children. They are lovely people but they are NO help. Even before COVID. Last year a special event for my husband (their son) I asked them to have the kids over night - completely blanked the conversation. They got huffy when my friend said she would love to come and look after the kids for the weekend and she did (kids adore this lady too). They never even have the kids after school for tea, take them to the park. It’s such a shame, we don’t need them to do much to be honest but I just feel they are missing out of some quality time with their grandkids who love them dearly.

I am a Nanna ,have 2 of my grandchildren mon and tues ,it used to be 3 days but since my granddaughter was born , my daughter has weds Off then go to my sons ,and have his 4 girls for 2 days/nights, I love it ,but not all grand parents can do it, I have been told we mugs etc,using our later years (late 50,s)to look after them ,they say we have done our time ,but they are my life ,when we cdnt see them for a few months in lock down ,and out of all of the lockdown the most thing that hurt was not being the kids, I have had my grand son ,since birth when mum went back to work he is 2 and a half ,maybe the parents don't even think about it if she won't ask ,how do they know she needs support.

I guess there are a few questions - not least where are the children's fathers and why aren't hey providing support in parenting and finances?
If the baby is recent, one might assume a father is on the scene and if the woman chose to go it alone from choice, then she can hardly expect her own parents to provide a crutch. They have done their parenting and might well want to enjoy their retirement and spend their money on themselves. That seems a reasonable choice, albeit not one I would make,

I can't imagine not wanting to be involved and supportive but I can also see a huge number of posters on MN talking about their awful parents and in-laws and wanting complete control over relationships on their terms. They can't have it both ways.

I agree OP. When my DS1 was about 5 months old, I became quite ill and need an emergency operation. My DH asked his parents for help and they basically refused. He then called my DM (who had a very serious underlying health condition which she subsequently passed away from) and she said yes immediately even though she was struggling herself - we didn’t know it at the time but that was the start of the end for her. To this day I do not understand why two healthy adults in their 60s couldn’t look after their grandchild while their son was at the hospital with his very sick wife!

YANBU. Its a common belief on MN that Grandparents don't have any obligation to help out. I totally disagree. You never stop being a parent because your children are adults, so why would you not want to help if you can see they are struggling? Just as I would help my parents if they needed it. I don't understand why some families would rather see each other falling apart rather than step in and help.

I am a grandparent and I used to have my two GC every other weekend while my son worked. I have had them for one weekend since lockdown but am now refusing to because they’re back at school. I miss them terribly but I won’t take the risk. We’re talking about potentially sacrificing our lives and in the long term that won’t help anyone will it?

The YABU “they have done their child rearing” crowd are missing the point - it’s not days of unpaid childminding that are wanted but occasional help in extremis. Bunsys post nails it. Not helping a close family member in a time of extreme need even if that need is small child related when you are perfectly able to is quite shit. And nothing will persuade me otherwise.

@MsTSwift

The YABU “they have done their child rearing” crowd are missing the point - it’s not days of unpaid childminding that are wanted but occasional help in extremis. Bunsys post nails it. Not helping a close family member in a time of extreme need even if that need is small child related when you are perfectly able to is quite shit. And nothing will persuade me otherwise.

Yes I completely agree. My parents are dead but I have a sister and we both have dc...neither one of us is a cf in terms of what we expert on each other but we absolutely help and support each other where we can. She will come over and tidy up if I'm stressed, or we will take it in turns to cook dinner for the kids at the weekend, or i'll watch her dc for a couple of hours if she's wfh. I don't understand families who won't help each other.

@MadamShazam

YANBU. Its a common belief on MN that Grandparents don't have any obligation to help out. I totally disagree. You never stop being a parent because your children are adults, so why would you not want to help if you can see they are struggling? Just as I would help my parents if they needed it. I don't understand why some families would rather see each other falling apart rather than step in and help.

True. Yet if you dare to point out it works both ways... GP claim they don’t expect their children to look after them ha! Old age doesn’t quite work like that... and it comes to us all.

It’s not even about being looked after it’s the small things like visiting your loved ones.

Don't have kids if you are going to expect others to look after them. Grandparents or not, when you choose to have children you will have lots of hard times bringing them up. It's the parents responsibility at the end if the day not the grandparents. I know a lot of gps who really struggle looking after their toddler grand children, they do it to help their kids out but as you get older things like looking after young children are not as easy. I'm a gp and I do it because I love them and want to help but sometimes it's not easy and I don't want to add pressure by saying anything. Many gps that I know are the same. It isn't a god given right that gps have to provide childcare for gc. All the younger parents moaning about this might realise it when they are older and have to do it

I don't really understand it, does her parents realise the dire situation she is in? Has she had a proper chat with them? When I read this sort of thing I would love to help. Ask her to really relay to her parents how her situation is, and she really needs help.

I don’t have children as it’s not my cup of tea, but surely when you choose to have children it’s because you want to be a parent - you aren’t just thinking ‘god, just 18 years to get through then they aren’t my problem anymore’. And surely you realise that you may be a grandparent at some point? I don’t understand people who just sit and watch their adult children struggling either practically/financially and don’t help if they can.

I do agree with you OP. However it's not always so straightforward.
I'm a gran. My son behaved appallingly to his partner and left her when she was pregnant with their youngest. She gave birth on her own in lockdown. We supported her emotionally and financially. We did it because it was the right thing to do. However she then chose to take him back. They both have made it clear they want nothing to do with us but they will allow us to see the kids once a week for now. I am very aware this could change in a heartbeat.
There were no rows or confrontations.
I now feel very disinclined to help in any way. Of course I don't want to see the children go with out but they can stand on their own 2 feet

@Deyes999

Don't have kids if you are going to expect others to look after them. Grandparents or not, when you choose to have children you will have lots of hard times bringing them up. It's the parents responsibility at the end if the day not the grandparents. I know a lot of gps who really struggle looking after their toddler grand children, they do it to help their kids out but as you get older things like looking after young children are not as easy. I'm a gp and I do it because I love them and want to help but sometimes it's not easy and I don't want to add pressure by saying anything. Many gps that I know are the same. It isn't a god given right that gps have to provide childcare for gc. All the younger parents moaning about this might realise it when they are older and have to do it

Reading your post I think you probably don't realise how little some GPS do. I'm not talking about full time childcare necessarily. My mil couldn't name the job my dh does or what school her GC go to. She has never taken them out or looked after them once. She has never cooked them a meal at her house. She has never bought them a birthday present. Her interest is zero. There's a middle ground between this level of disinterest and full time childcare.

So many sad stories on this thread.

"MadamShazam
YANBU. Its a common belief on MN that Grandparents don't have any obligation to help out. I totally disagree. You never stop being a parent because your children are adults, so why would you not want to help if you can see they are struggling? Just as I would help my parents if they needed it. I don't understand why some families would rather see each other falling apart rather than step in and help"

I agree with your sentiment. I support both my DC's fully. However, i had a mum with mental health issues and a dad who grew up in an care home. Both completely unsuitable for parenthood and it showed in their raising of me and my sibling. Neither were available for me or my sibling when we had our own children, so we coped alone. My parents were mentally ill, dysfunctional people with diagnosed depression.

Some people do not have the family support network others have.

To say " you never stop being a parent" is insulting to those of us with less than perfect families and parents.

My parents and then the birth of my children, making my parents Gp's, does not automatically make them great GP's. They are still the same flawed GP people dealing with their own mental health issues.

We choose to have children, our parents involvement should and was never in this equation. To say "You never stop being a parent because your children are adults so why would you not want to help if you can see they are struggling?" This Is insulting to those who have no parental support for a number of reasons.

My children have Gp's. But, those remaining Gp's have mental health issues, the other set of GP for my children , one has died and the other is elderly and frail but loving and generous and does her best.

To say " i don't understand why families would see each other falling apart" .

Have you factored in a mental illness within the family and those GP's?

Have you also considered that GP's may feel confused about the way we raise our children now today reluctant to help as the child raising they know has changed so much?

When you have kids you need to accept the responsibility that goes along with it. Grandparents are not your slaves and should not bd made to feel guilty for not wanting to look after your kids.
Im a single Mum anf my parents are 100 miles away. It was hard but i coped and fo nit expect my parents in their 70s to be at my beck and call. Its Fathers who should step up if not pulling their weight not grandparents

Sadly you can’t force people to care. Or to be thoughtful. A lot of grandparents have a ‘well I didn’t get any help when mine were little so why should I step in for my child?!’ Er, because mums these days have more to worry about than scrubbing a front step.

I don't need help these days but my sis in law / younger cousin's struggle terribly with childcare and a total disregard from parents/in-laws. I don't understand, when all our kids were young we all mucked in.. grannies/grandpa's/aunties/uncles etc etc. Whoever was free to help out did. My mother watched her sisters grandchildren for example.. our family was so close, the kids loved their extended families and everyone was happy to spend time with the kids! Definitely different now. I am going to help out with my sis in law kids now as have just dropped a few days at work. Why wouldn't I? It's family 😄

A lot of people are just perpetuating a cycle sadly.

I agree with you, grandparents should help out if they can. Why not? I really don’t get it. I am 44 years old and I have four children of my own. Even though I have 3 children under 14 years old - if my 22 year old daughter had a baby I would try to help her as much as I possibly could. I didn’t have the help that I felt that I needed when my children were little which I would have really really appreciated no end but both of my parents were in full time work at the time. We all need to support each other especially family and especially at this time.

@PablosHoney what cycle is that?