To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

@KatherineofTarragon, I’d be fine with that if you weren’t misrepresenting my view, I don’t believe I said grandparents should be expected to care for them, I do think your view that a mother shouldn’t be relied upon to give some verbal support to her grown up child, how many people are rushing to agree with you on that?? It’s a depressing idea and I hope you can find a way past your experience. Thanks you too.

@PablosHoney Bad past experiences which have clouded your view of what’s normal and caring.

Not at all, my mum has life long mental health issues. I always knew i would have no support when i planned my children. My ex DH parents were in their very late 70's also when my DC's were born. I had my children fully aware that there would be no GP help from either side for a number of reasons.

Then I’m out of excuses for you then 😁

Trouble is I had NO help with my child when I was a single parent but I am supposed to look after them now they need nursing care, I'm a nurse.
I'm afraid I have had to decline, I don't see myself wiping old peoples bums at my age, I'm just starting to wind down.
This isn't the case with me but if i had been treated like that this would be my response.

I think it's absolutely fine for grandparents to not want to provide regular childcare...I do however think it's really quite sad for them to never offer to babysit occasionally or help out in emergencies.

@SleepingStandingUp What was your preparation for the arrival of a worldwide pandemic that would see give swathe of life closed down and the rest heavily restricted?
And it isn't about hacking anything. It's about people having kids with additional needs and those kids not coping with huge changes in routine and the parents struggling. It's about childcare and education provision disappearing in a poof of smoke when so many people women work their lives around it

My husband and I decided to remain childfree so that no matter what life throws at us, at least we don’t have to worry about looking after kids! That decision has made off a million times in recent months!

@BewilderedDoughnut, did you have a great lockdown? Talk dirty to us 😁😂 was there day time naps?

@PablosHoney did you have a great lockdown? Talk dirty to us 😁😂 was there day time naps?

So many!!! 🥰

Ahhhhh, I knew it 😁 love living vicariously!

@formerbabe

I think it's absolutely fine for grandparents to not want to provide regular childcare...I do however think it's really quite sad for them to never offer to babysit occasionally or help out in emergencies.

I would hope that most grandparents would help out in those circumstances.

I do think it's wrong to expect grandparents to give frequent, regular childcare.

My eldest daughter lives 200 miles away. They have two children who go to breakfast clubs and after school clubs. It's entirely possible to manage without grandparents giving free childcare.

I wouldn’t have had kids if I couldn’t look after them. My kid is 30 with an autistic DD, I still look after her by doing respite care six weeks each year.

I think there is a balance don’t enable your adult offspring but don’t abandon them either.

I wouldn’t have had kids if I couldn’t look after them

Odd way of thinking. You cannot split yourself in two. I can look after my dc but when my eldest was in A&E, I needed someone to collect my youngest from school. That doesn't mean I can't look after my dc, it means life happens and you need help. When I gave birth to my second dc, I needed someone to babysit my youngest. There are times when you need help, not because you are lazy or not prepared to look after your dc, but because you can't be in two places at once.

@BewilderedDoughnut

It’s nobody else’s responsibility to look after someone else’s kids!! I feel so desperately sorry for grandparents that have raised their children and finally get a bit of time for themselves just to be lumbered with grandchildren to look after.

Don’t have kids if you can’t take care of them fully. You have to prepare for worst case scenario when planning to have a family. Job loss, deaths etc. If you can’t hack worse case scenario, don’t have children.

It’s really very simple!!

I don’t see anything wrong with GPS helping out now and again. I’m more than willing to help my DS when he gets older and if he goes on to have his own family. I know how tough parenthood can be regardless of my own parents did or didn’t do! I will still do my upmost best because he will always be my child and I wouldn’t want to watch anybody close to me struggle...

'I think there is a balance don’t enable your adult offspring but don’t abandon them either.'

Exactly this^

I wouldn’t have kids if I didn’t love them as adults and kids 😁

@PablosHoney Then I’m out of excuses for you then 😁

You do not need to make any excuses for me. I had 2 planned pregnancies, availed of paid childcare to enable me to work and had no GP support at all. That was my situation and i dealt with it accordingly. 😄😄

I have posted a view on this thread that not everyone has family support. You clearly have so well done you! 😁😁😁

I don’t recall saying that either 😂

YABU for getting involved in other peoples businesses. Leave them to it.

@PablosHoney

I wouldn’t have kids if I didn’t love them as adults and kids 😁

You don't stop loving your children, when they become adults. Being used as free childcare is a separate issue.

@Sertchgi123

For those saying it's not the GP'S responsibility, we are in a bloody pandemic and these working parents are the ones attempting to keep the economy running for everyone in difficult circumstances

There are breakfast clubs, after school clubs and child minders, nurseries and childminders still available. Better to use those really, as it minimises the risk of the grandparents catching Covid and filling up the hospitals and ITUs.

Breakfast clubs were not running in the height of the pandemic where I live. Schools shut down and hubs were available to children which parents were key workers! What after school clubs? They were none and even now they are limited numbers.

Play schemes were unavailable for many parents throughout lockdown! Even the ones that were open could only take a limited number of kids.

Some disgusting comments on here that are rather sour grapes!

I'm prepared to be flamed but grandparents aren't there to look after their grandchildren.

Women are , generally, having babies quite a lot later than their parents Consequently, grandparents are that bit older.

Why should grandparents be assumed to be childminders?

Pay for childcare or don't have children.

I know they weren't running, most children weren't at school. My daughter uses a childminder, breakfast club and after school club.

I’m a single mum, my parents can’t have my kids, both elderly with health issues, but they are retired, mortgage free and very healthy private pensions plus savings etc (I do their banking so am fully aware of what they have) yet I’ve used food banks, am on the breadline, am really struggling and my cars on its last legs, if I don’t have a car
I don’t have a life, public transport isn’t an option, they could easily afford to help but don’t. My dad said, quite rightly, it’s his money, I’m not entitled to anything. I’m an adult it’s up to me to sort my life out. Nothing I can do, but I will give my last penny to my children and sleep in a ditch before I see my children suffer no matter how old they are, all I can do is make sure his attitude ends with him and I’m nothing like them when mine are grown, I could never watch them struggle the way I am knowing I could easily make their lives so much nicer and generally happier. But that’s life. It sucks!

@Sertchgi123

I know they weren't running, most children weren't at school. My daughter uses a childminder, breakfast club and after school club.

Plenary of kids still have to go to school like all the NHS staff and so on. You seem to have forgotten that. Would you rather we stay home? Then when you need hospital treatment you can receive an excellent service whilst staffing is poor? Or furthermore you can attend to yourself because your view seems very black & white. Which is fine but just remember we all need a helping hand from time to time.

YANBU, ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’

Unless you have a child in the 2000s in which case, you chose to have them! & you better be working & not a SAHM or you’re really a piece of shit. Oh, but if you’re working to much & putting your kid in nursery you’re also a piece of shit.

My parents & in laws don’t help out, they can’t be arsed. They’re not obligated to, no. But hell would freeze over before my daughters have to struggle like I have without any help.