Why is my child always the crazy one? I feel like a total loser.

[lasangoles]

I'm sat in my car crying after another failed attempt at a toddler class that I was so much looking forward to. My son is 2 next month, and I signed him up to a toddler dance class for 18m+. All of the other kids vaguely followed what the teacher was asking, however my son was trying to run out of the door, trying to go through people's bags, pinching other childrens' instruments, etc etc. I could feel everyone looking at me. He really needs to socialise with other children, but is always the crazy one. Someone made a comment 'there's always one'

I realise how pathetic I am to cry over this but I am just so overwhelmed by it. I was so looking forward to it and it is yet another fail.

Can anyone help me feel better about this? I really am trying to be a good mum. I don't pander to his bad behaviour. I told him if he carried on misbehaving I would take him home, and I did. He talks a lot less than other kids his age. I feel like a shitty failure.

Agree that structured classes might not be the thing for him at this time. Softplay or other similar activities may be better. As he gets a bit older, perhaps a sports group where they're supposed to be running around might be the way forward.

I do think it's great that you're conscious of this. He's still very young and it would be crazy to worry too much, but by being aware of it, you can keep an eye on things and over time assess whether perhaps he doesn't have the ability to focus at all. If he doesn't have much speech it's also possible that group activities like this are simply too confusing for him so free play will inevitably be a better option! Good luck. It's so hard.

It sounds normal. My DS was very like this. I did try to use classes as opportunities to help him learn how to behave (to an extent - they are only very little!) Now aged 4.5y he is an absolute delight, so easy, placid, loves to stick to the rules and honestly doesn't give me a minutes bother. His little sister however... she's not 2 and it's very much just their age and stage.

Try to find things he likes and can be himself but also try to help him understand age appropriate 'rules' like not taking other people's things, throwing etc. He'll get there in time!

The only thing I cannot bear at baby classes is parents allowing their kids to run absolute riot, snatching, screaming, ruining it for other kids, all the while sitting smiling indulgently, or worse just chatting the whole way through leaving the other adults to try to manage the child... Aaaaargh!

*aren’t stuck think/smelling

As another poster said, he sounds like a confident and inquisitive little boy. He’s lucky he has a Mum who takes an interest in how he’s behaving (even if you are worrying too much) and wondering if there are any issues..I don’t think there are, he is still so little and this is all new to him.

My ds1 was just like your ds at that age. Stay and play groups and soft play were much better for him. He is a fairly civilised 14 year old now, this will pass.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Being a mom isn't always lovely. Your toddler isn't that unusual at all! I actually am right there with you-I just asked my son the other day "Why do you turn into a Tasmanian devil when we go to the doctor?" (Special needs 20 year old)

Been there with both my 2 DC OP, don’t lose heart. My eldest is now wonderfully behaved. The younger one less so, but he is only 2.
I had a similar incident where I carried him out of a rhyme time at the local library, under my arm like a rugby ball, while the rest of the horrified parents watched.
Lesson learnt, he isn’t a sit still and sing type of child and to try groups a bit further afield so I can still show my face in my local neighbourhood.
He wants to run. He wants to kick a ball. Or climb a frame. Or jump in his wellies.
Yes it’s a bit lonely at times but my DC aren’t a sit still and watch tv or shake a maraca or listen to stories type of child. They told me that loud and clear and I listened.
Give it 6 months to a year and I’m sure you’ll see a significant improvement. It is hard, be kind on yourself, it’s not you it’s them!

My daughter was exactly like this. In one class she got half way out of the window in an escape attempt! I had to pull her back in with her legs.
In the end, I gave up trying to push the structured classes and just took her to free play playgroups. On the occasions she wasn’t well behaved in them I would remove her for a few minutes’ time out. It was a much easier task because all the kids are playing and you get drowned out in the chaos rather than have 15 adults and 15 children staring in silence.
She’s now coming up four and is really, really well behaved so don’t give up hope.

OP, we make life so hard for ourselves when DC are young, trying to fit in and fit them in. It's easier and more fun if we take more cues from him. If he likes unstructured play just take him to the play park and (if they ever reopen) to soft play areas. And to church or local community playgroups. Stay away from the activities than insist they behave quietly and 'well.' No such thing, really, at that age. As long as they are not eating each other alive, they are being normal. There's a very wide range of normal.

It just sounds like maybe it was the wrong class OP, I wouldn’t take it to heart. My toddler enjoys a toddler forest group (where essentially they run wild and throw sticks about) and the local gymnastics centre do a free play session where the kids can just run and try out all the equipment. Perhaps that would be better suited?

I sympathise. My son was the 'one' - I vividly remember him coordinating an escape committee during a Steiner toddler group because he wanted to be outside running round, not sitting still listening to stories and playing with gender-neutral organic wooden toys. I also remember him (possibly the same day - we didn't last long at that group!) finding the toy stash from a different toddler group that was clearly not all about gender-neutral organic wooden toys and standing triumphantly in the middle of the room holding aloft a big red plastic fire engine with its sirens blaring and causing a stampede

Once he started nursery he was much less of a bringer of chaos, although they did describe him as a 'free spirit', but when he was very little we basically abandoned anything structured in favour of outdoor play, balance bikes and ride-ons. He's still lively at 13, but he's perfectly well behaved when he needs to be.

You've just described my son! I took him to pre-school yoga because 2 friends convinced me he'd love it (they actually needed more children to go because there wasn't enough people and it was going to stop!). I knew it was going to be a disaster and it was, he wasn't interested and spent the whole time just running the length of the room and encouraging the other children to do the same.. I preserved for a term, but it was a complete waste of time and money and made me feel total crap! I have always felt like the shit mum with the totally undisciplinable child (though we do discipline him)! But he's almost 4 now, he's been at preschool since Jan (though off during lockdown) and he's doing so much better! His language has improved massively and now he's understanding more and able to communicate more his behaviour has massively improved. I would still rather take him for a run in the woods or to feed the ducks than a structured class, but at least now if I say stop he actually does stop!
I would just stick to the stuff he's actually interested in, if you want him to socialise maybe try play groups (again I found those quite stressful!) or arrange some play dates with other children you know if you can.

I could have written your post about my own DS a year ago. It was always so embarrassing and there was many a class I didn't return too as I just couldn't face it, he's a year older now (almost 3) and getting much better. Not great but definitely doesn't seem to stand out quite so much as the 'naughty one'. I actually find it easier myself now too as I'm prepared for the shit show I might have to deal with a feel a lot more confident about it, although anxiety does still build sometimes. Just don't forget, almost every parent has experienced it and knows how you feel, although it feels like you're being judged it's very unlikely that is the case. The other parents are probably just relieved it not their kid for that week! But thier turn will come, because toddlers are savages 😁

Just stick to free play sessions / park playgrounds.

I still remember the sting of having it gently "suggested" that Rhyme Time in our local Town Hall mightn't be for ds2, (we were kicked out, basically ), but it really wasn't, he had far too much energy to sit in a circle singing about the wheels on the bus.
I took him to tiny football round about the same time and he actually could follow instructions if he was actually interested in what he was asked to do, and there was plenty of moving around involved.

I could have written this post, OP!
My son (22mo) is, at the moment, an only child. He goes to a CM once a week but didn't go at all for about 5 months due to lockdown.

We went to Tumble Tots for the first time last week and I felt so STRESSED by the end of it. DS loved the sitting down portion of listening to songs and doing the actions, but the 'assault course' portion was a nightmare.

We were directed to follow the arrows and take turns. DS could do neither of those and after being gently guided by me to follow the arrows and not dive on top of the other children, he became cantankerous and rigid. He then repeatedly tried to escape.

He wasn't the only one struggling to take turns and follow the arrows, but I really wished that the class leaders made their expectations of realistic toddler behaviour clear. He's my only child so I don't know what is 'normal' for 18-24mo toddlers.

I personally feel that it is completely unrealistic to expect toddlers, who have only just stopped being babies, to suddenly have control over their Id, to regulate their immediate need to explore, to empathise with others in relation to turn taking.

Anyway. It sounds like you're a great parent! I don't have any useful advice as I'm in the same boat with a very wilful and adventurous child!

Is ADHD something you've considered? The "talking late" jumped out at me. It might be worth doing a quick google for what ADHD looks like in a toddler and seeing if it strikes a chord.

It’s probably not the right class for him. I started gymnastics with my boy when he was just over 2, and that was a great semi-structured way to burn energy!
But you mention he isn’t talking much - what does his child minder say about his communication and behaviour? If he is delayed then worth getting checked out by GP or health visitor. A friend of mine had a ‘challenging’ 2 year old but it turned out she had really poor hearing. Grommets and a speech therapist, plus 3 years later, you’d never know.

I don't have any advice regarding his behaviour but I will say that you don't need to feel self conscious. When I go to toddler stuff and one of the toddlers is running wild I honestly think nothing of it. They're toddlers. I think we all expect far too much from them sometimes.

I will probably look but it isn't because I'm judging, it's just because the toddler is making some sort of commotion and it's human nature to glance over to it. Please don't let potential embarrassment stop you from trying new things with your son. We've all been there when it's our kid causing a fuss, we know what it's like. Anyone making snide comments is just being a prick and is not representative of parents as a whole.

The reason you are the only one at the Structured groups with a non compliant child is the other parents who have kids who also hate them don’t go! I had this with my eldest. I made the mistake of continuing to try and it made us both absolutely miserable. I found him SO hard to deal with but he has been an absolute delight since about 3.5. I’ve just had the same with my youngest trying all the groups last week when they opened and I just left the groups half way (also crying once), after 5 minutes at one. I won’t be taking him back. He’s just 2. We’ll spend this year digging, going to play parks, bike/scooter rides, Soft play if it opens, same for swimming, I’ve bought him some waders so he can splash in a local stream, ranger hamza on CBeebies has given me some inspiration on chatting to him more as we walk round. Also just bought a book 365 non tv activities to do with toddlers. Then he will go to preschool next year and life will get easier as he gets a little older.

Theres sit down toddlers and run around toddlers. There's different types of classes/groups to accommodate both types. You need a group where toys are out, there's an outdoor play area, and the kids can do as they please.

Both of my younger boys were like this as toddlers. A real shock to the system after my first who I could take anywhere without fear of stress and embarrassment!
Don't worry OP, you're not alone. It's a phase. I just gave up on these classes in the end and stuck with tearing round soft play or the park.

Surprised someone has actually mentioned a diagnosis of ADHD in a one year old!

My son was mostly 'the one'. Except he loved his music teacher so, although he would spend most of the class trying to open the windows and running round in circles, occasionally he'd stop, give her a huge smile or hug, participate enthusiastically in one song as if he was her star pupil (singing, actions, everything) and then go back to causing mayhem. Meanwhile the other children would sit politely on their parents' laps watching quietly. Embarrassment doesn't cover it .

Luckily, lockdown has given us a well needed break from toddler classes and DS is a lot more mature now so we may start venturing back soon. I'm not worried... According to his nursery staff, he's perfectly behaved and a delight there. I think he's just going to be one of those little sods who's lovely for everyone else and saves up his bad behaviour for me at home ! Maybe your DS will be the same .

Please don’t worry. You sound like a lovely mum and your toddler sounds normal.

My DS was the opposite and just flopped in my lap and day dreamed through Music with Mummy, Tumble Tots and another club at the local library, never joined in, never left my lap. Other mums commented there might be something wrong with him. One teacher told me urgently he was special needs etc. He was like this till he was 4 I think. Speech was delayed too. Now 16, still laid back but nothing wrong with him, doing fine at school etc. My point is, relax, maybe it’s just not the class for him right now.

It's hard, I know. My DS always needed to be out of the house every day but most structured classes wouldn't suit. He liked the toddler gym classes at the sport centre though - lots of climbing etc. Playgrounds were his obsession so we used to walk/drive around to lots of different ones.
Your DS is not 'the crazy one' - but I didn't realise until primary school that other parents want another kid to be 'the x one' so that their child wasn't and so they ramp up the judging.
There will be lots of children like yours, but they won't be at those types of classes.
Your DS is doing fine and will be fine. Just write off this class as not suitable right now and stick to things you know he likes.
I was also stunned when I realised at primary school that other parents had children who would sit and do drawing and colouring. My DS had never done this ever and still wouldn't until much older, maybe 9.