Why is my child always the crazy one? I feel like a total loser.

[lasangoles]

I'm sat in my car crying after another failed attempt at a toddler class that I was so much looking forward to. My son is 2 next month, and I signed him up to a toddler dance class for 18m+. All of the other kids vaguely followed what the teacher was asking, however my son was trying to run out of the door, trying to go through people's bags, pinching other childrens' instruments, etc etc. I could feel everyone looking at me. He really needs to socialise with other children, but is always the crazy one. Someone made a comment 'there's always one'

I realise how pathetic I am to cry over this but I am just so overwhelmed by it. I was so looking forward to it and it is yet another fail.

Can anyone help me feel better about this? I really am trying to be a good mum. I don't pander to his bad behaviour. I told him if he carried on misbehaving I would take him home, and I did. He talks a lot less than other kids his age. I feel like a shitty failure.

Please don't worry OP. It's such a tough age. He doesn't sound that unusual to be honest.

I took my eldest DD to a dance class at around that age and I remember she didn't follow any of the instructions, I gave up and stopped going after a couple of sessions.

She's 4 now and goes every week and loves it!

I feel for you OP. My son is also very 'spirited' and I learnt from when he was 8mo that join in type classes weren't his thing (he'd get frustrated and crawl over to the plug sockets/radiator/stairs etc). We would go to just regular playgroup and he enjoyed that much more.

Hes almost 3 now and he has taken a lot of parenting. He is much harder work than my neice for example who will focus on a toy for a good 25 mins before moving on to another. She also will sit an draw, something my son is only just showing a slight interest in.

As he's gotten older, and I've had another baby who is very different to him (read:easier!), I've realised that actually children, even as infants, are all so different to each other and actually some kids are just naturally easier to look after. My son, if left unkempt, would be a total bruiser. He is explosive, instinctive, impatient, loud, likes to throw and jump and run. We have had to work really hard to shape these traits in to a child that can cooperate with other kids, and the work isn't over! He is also incredibly loving, has an amazing imagination, he is very funny, super strong and physical, brave, oberservant, verbose, the list goes on.

Its so easy as a parent to attribute your children's good qualities as a reflection of your superior parenting skills, and definitely parenting comes in to it, but a lot of the time its just the way a child is and its your job to gently shape that in to something more socially acceptable.

For example my other neice eats everything and anything which my SIL attributes it to her good parenting, that she has always given neice a wide range of foods from early on, they eat the same food together at the table, she doesn't give her lots of snacks, praises her daughter for eating healthily and so on. Well we did all of this with my son too. He used to eat everything but now basically survives on toast. We did all the same things (and continue to try!) but it is my sons decision to nit eat these things, not my bad parenting.

I guess this is a long way of saying that you are obviously doing a great job with your son and the very fact you're reaching out means that you are a good parent. Some kids just are harder work.

Some useful reading: how to talk to little kids so they'll listen and the explosive child.

Keep at it OP. My tiny tearaway is a total gem now at nearly 3 but I had many many moments of crying and pulling my hair out. I'm sure my work isn't over and he'll go through another difficult phase too but believe me that its not your fault!

My ds was as the same. I took him to a toddler dance class and he was the only one not doing what he should have been doing. It was pretty disheartening. Whenever I took him to toddler groups, he was that child hitting the other kids, I couldn't take my eyes off him for a minute and I felt like I was just constantly telling him off. I'd avoid taking him to the shops, as he was a nightmare!
I felt like a total failure.
This all changed when he started nursery, I'm not sure why, anyway, he's now 7 and he's the loveliest boy you could meet. He's so outgoing and really compassionate and not naughty at all. You would never guess that he was that boy at playgroup!!

My daughter (now 4) was like that. She hated tennis class, football class and music class. Always showing me up, it was embarrassing.

She's quieted down when we signed her up for ballet though. There was the odd day when she fucked about in class, usually when I was there, but she listened well and followed instruction most times.

In school she's a kooky girl and leaves the teachers in stitches most days.

Your DS may just be a bit of an odd ball- in a good way of course.

Honestly do not worry about it. My son was always like this. I wondered why all the other children were happy to sit and listen to a story or follow the designated activities while he was trying to get out of a fire escape!

He is just independent and has always preferred to do his own thing than do what everyone else was doing.

He’s 3 now and as he’s got older he has started to understand that it’s time to do something and it a lot more biddable than he was. It’s not a reflection on your parenting it’s just personality really. Personally I’d steer clear of organised activities if it’s going to stress you out. Don’t worry. It’s really normal at this age, he won’t be like that forever and it’s not down to anything you’re doing.

The person who made that comment wasn't being very kind. I challenge any mother who finds this easy to put their hands up. It's not easy, it's bloody difficult. He sounds like a wonderful ball of energy- embrace it. As soon as I realised that these days are numbered and they grow up ridiculously fast I learned to embrace my feral kids! Maybe the class isn't right for him, find some open space so he can burn off some energy.

My sons favourite toy at nursery was the fire extinguisher, no not a toy one he wanted the real deal and at play group it was the table the toys were on or the kitchen he was not allowed in, at 'baby football' it was cloud spotting

My two were like this, we had to drop the formal groups and stick to playgroups. You are not alone, i definitely cried a couple of times after short lived attempt to take mine to dance class and mother and child swimming class! By the way they are now much older and very well behaved so being difficult now doesn't necessarily mean they will be when older.

OP, I don't have children of my own but I wanted to say something to help to you feel better.

I was effectively expelled from ballet class aged 3 for not following instruction. The teacher suggested to my mortified mother that perhaps ballet wasn't for me. The dancers on Top of the Pops fuelled my imagination and so my attempts at ballets moves were interesting and creative, added to which I couldn't stand still for a second. Mum had many issues but she was a good parent so it was definitely nothing to do with her competence as a mum.

I have managed to grow up into a responsible and productive member of society. Hopefully you will look back and laugh at this. I have yet to met a parent who doesn't have at least one story about how their child utterly humiliated them.

Sounds to me like you made your son aware of the consequences and then followed through, I'm no expert but that sounds like good parenting to me.

On the other hand there is usually that one in any group, so your Son is actually providing valuable opportunities for the others to learn about different kids with different levels of social skills.

A kind hearted Mum told me something similar at a Play Centre, while my Son ran around a padded pole, screaming "Mine" to/at any child who came near.

Some kids just don't work in classes like that. If he's not like that in other environments, I'd just take him to the things that do suit him.

Oh OP, please don’t think you’re a failure. My eldest was exactly like this. I was so keen to get him doing the classes and taking part, and he hated all it! And that’s fine. Even at school (he’s 11 now) he’s still a fidget. But importantly, he’s also bloody brilliant, just like your boy is. He’s fun, kind, friendly. He doesn’t particularly like organised fun, but quickly found the things he loves (athletics and swimming) once he was old enough, just like your boy will.

Parenting is all trial and error - you tried this and it failed, that’s ok!

He's not yet two. He's just not ready for, or interested in such structured activity. Is there some sort of drop-in playgroup running that you could go ot instead? Or just meet up with other mums in the park, people's homes etc, where there's more scope for free, unstructured play?

Dd was the same with 'toddler dance' btw, at 3. In her case, she was really excited about it, wanted to 'dance', so ran and twirled around the room, while the others all sat obediently together, doing 'nice toes, naughty toes'.

What I've found with dd is that she can focus and does so really well at school. But when she's excited she can get a bit carried away, distracted and stop listening. It's less and less of a problem as she gets older and learns what's appropriate in different situations.

Oh bless you. You're not a failure. Try to give yourself a break. Being a lone parent is bloody hard & the toddler years are sent to try us - little sods are all feral till about 3yrs/4yrs!

I still break out into a sweat at the memory of trying both 'Tumble Tots' & 'Jo Jingles' with my son - they were an utter car crash, we left early & never went back!! He's now a perfectly well balanced, calm, focused kid - I'm sure yours will be, too!

Maybe stick to socialisation within smaller groups, less structured, try to find things he really enjoys? Do you have friends with kids of a similar age?

Definitely stick to a consistent reward/behaviour management system though - I think most toddlers benefit from that.

Good luck!! Xx

I had one of these too. I remember going to sing and sign or whatever at the library, all these toddlers sat round following along with me chasing mine about and trying to stop her from climbing the bookstacks!!

Football was the worst, strangely enough. Lots of little boys lined up with their dads listening to instructions and patiently trying to dribble the ball round cones. While mine just wanted to kick it as hard as she could and run around after it.

We ended up at gymnastics. She could climb and jump of things to her hearts content. She struggled a little with the organised warm up, and they had a thing where a coach would call them over to walk on the beam or something. She just liked doing her own thing. Wore her out though!

Around 3 she moved up a class into an independent one without me. She managed fine, she was used to the coaches and took instruction fine.

Give it time. Find stuff that’s less structured and provides an outlet.

My DS needs very clear boundaries set out before any class starts. He's a good boy who follows the rules but goes completely feral if the rules aren't spelt out at the time, every time. Is your son the same? Would it help him to say before hand, 'Listen to the teacher, do what the teacher says, and don't touch other people's stuff!'?

Maybe do fewer focussed classes and more free-play based playgroups and preschools?

This.

Your child is not badly behaved. He is behaving perfectly normally and age appropriately for his personal development.

You just need to find something that fits where he is at. He is clearly a bright, curious, inquisitive child and this is how he is learning (personally I think this is better learning than following random movements from an adult). Take him to a free play environment where he can play and be with other children in his own way, rather than in the way a commercial money making company has decided he should.

And there's the rub. What you are suffering from here is the commercialisation of play. ( I use that term loosely as I don't think the dance class is play, its an adult directed activity). It's that market force which is causing you to think of your normal, happy, curious child as 'naughty' because he doesn't fit into their profit making business plan.

Do yourself both a favour and have some fun with some real play at a proper play group. Church groups or community groups often run these. They are cheaper too! And they often give you a biscuit.

So my sympathies... I used to feel like this when I took my boy to a music class. Then I realised that there were far more girls than boys in the class. The girls smiled at the teacher, sang their names at the beginning, participated in the songs and generally joined in the class. The boys mostly ran around, grabbed toys, barely responded to the teacher and only participated in the class when they got to act out the train song which they did with GREAT enthusiasm. It made me realise that a lot of these classes were not really suited to boys, just in the same way that boys tend to find primary school more difficult. My guess is your boy might prefer an outdoor group where he can run around, yell, climb trees etc. There's most likely nothing wrong with him, he's just not interested in the class you take him to. Everyone's different, don't feel a failure. Respond to his needs as an individual and ignore the sarky glances elsewhere...

It’s so hard with toddlers isn’t it. I have clear memories of leaving so many birthday parties/play dates as DD1 just beat up the other children and stole their toys. No manner of stickers, time outs etc made any difference. She 11 now and a lovely girl. Don’t worry about the other parents, they are dicks for commenting...

Yep I don't take my son to anything like this, it's pointless. My last one was a read and rhyme class, he spent the whole class trying to wrestle out of my arms. He was doing that thing where they arch back to escape and he headbutted me in the face. I just got up and left, never went to anything after that. Why torture both of us?

My dc were always like this! I'd be sitting in a circle singing the wheels on the bus and they'd high tail it across the room and start climbing up piles of chairs or whatever. In reception my youngest had to have a piece of putty to keep him occupied and contained when having to sit quietly. Told he couldn't go to scouts without me. He's coming out of it now though, he's 7 and much better at listening and following instructions.

@FOJN Me too!!! (except I was a bit older, so worse really). I wasn't expelled, the teacher suggested we didnt come back as it seemed like the classes weren't really for us (me and sister). I'm a fully functioning member of society now although I don't know what a plie is so obviously it deeply affected my future.
My son was also a crazy whirlwind at 2. He's six now and still sort of a crazy whirlwind but a (mostly) polite crazy whirlwind who can generally be relied upon to follow instructions and is apparently well behaved in school. And he's kind to other children and funny. Basically he's great, your child is great too. You'll be fine. Just save money on the classes because he obviously isnt getting that much from them at the mo.

Oof I struggled through half a term of swimming lessons with an 18 mo old who hated the water. I would get so upset by the judgy looks and other parents getting understandably upset that she was setting other kids off. Finally stopped going, wrote off the fees - not every kid is going to enjoy every activity. Don’t model to your son that he is “that kid” - you’ll be more exasperated expecting him to act with maturity he is not ready for, and he’ll pick up on it and act up more.

You sound absolutely fine as does your rambunctious toddler - ignore the judgemental types and try a different activity or just let him run around in a park to burn off energy. It’s fine really, they don’t need all that much stimulation or exposure to art and Bach and what have you at 2!!

Also - and I still feel this as an adult - there is something about situations that demand quiet and focus and prohibit many behaviours, that excites a certain kind of discomfort-driven rebellion.

Don't you ever feel that yourself? It's the very sense of expectation and tension that drives the 'awkward laughter' response.

I can really see that in dd, this sense that 'all eyes are upon me, they're expecting something, ok then, here we go!'

I have been where you are in some respects op and it did used to bring me to tears. 18months is quite young still so maybe he isn't ready for anything structured. My dd from a young age just wouldn't engage in anything structured would spin in circles or go off and do her own thing, and inadvertently disrupt the classes/distract other children.

I gave up when she was around 8 and accepted that it wasn't for her. It becomes a high stress situation for the parent and the child isn't gaining anything so it is better for everyone to just not do it imo. No more tears since in my case, also I felt it my feelings would impact my dc too and I didn't want that.