To refuse DS his 'greatest wish'

[Toomuchstuffwillkillme]

DS2 has always been a bit dog obsessed and has recently mounted a concerted campaign to persuade me we should get one.

He will love it to bits, walk it lots, play with it, it will be his best friend, his life will be enriched.

I'm just not convinced. I don't mind other people's dogs, but I'm just not a dog lover. (Surely that's a fairly basic requirement for dog ownership?) I really, really don't want to share my home with one. DH is sitting firmly on the fence on this one, so it's me who is being made to feel like the evil mean parent. DS promises he would feed, walk and love said dog, which is probably true. I have no doubt whatsoever who would end up doing the extra hoovering, floor washing, dog-food-buying, poop scooping etc.
We have several other non-furry lower maintenance pets who are loved, but would all be dead by now if I didn't look after them.
Apparently this would be different if we had a dog, I'd get loads of help looking after it, it would be hardly any work (Yeah right, while you're at school all day & I'm trying to work part time from home.)
And yes our existing pets are non-furry because I have pet hair allergies, though to be fair not usually to dogs.

I loathe going to houses which have dogs and getting covered in dog hair. Even if said houses have people who vacuum daily, they ALWAYS smell of dog. I suppose if it was our dog I'd get used to it.
Picking up dog poo is repellent.
Also, I am the polar opposite of Mrs Hinch. I dislike cleaning at the best of times, keeping the place vaguely straight and cleaning up after the kids is bad enough, the thought of adding a dog frankly terrifies me.
Oh and I like my garden. A lot. I don't want it dug up or pooed on or peed on.

As a family we enjoy travelling and visiting people, in the UK and abroad (2020 has not been a great year ). Closest family are over 3 hrs drive away. There is no-one here who would look after a dog for us. Most of the family would not appreciate us bringing a dog when we visit. We will end up either restricted to local dog-friendly holidays or spending a fortune on kennels.

Please help me out here, people who don't have a dog, or even people who do. What can I possibly say to DS to get him to see things from a different perspective. He's convinced that having a dog will make his life better and therefore mine too. I think it will be expensive, stressful, massively restrict my freedom and create a load of mum-work for minimal gain.

YABU - parenting is all about making sacrifices to keep your kids happy, if you can afford it you should suck it up and let DS have what he wants

YANBU - this is a huge lifestyle/financial commitment and if you're not 100% on board you'll end up regretting or resenting it - kids can't always have what they want

I think that with something like a dog, everyone in the family should actively want one. You don’t.
If your DS really wants a dog, he can get one when he’s all grown up and living in his own house.

The furthest I’d go here would be something like borrowmydoggy or volunteering to walk dogs for shelters and the like.

I also think it’s not fair for your DH to be putting you in the position of looking like the mean parent here.
One of my siblings did similar nagging about a dog when they were a kid, and both my parents gave a firm no. I found out when I was an adult that one of my parents had grown up with dogs, had also wanted a dog, but they’d kept a unified front about it in front of us kids. My parents actually do have a dog now, but by the time they got the dog they’d retired and my siblings and I had all left home, so I guess they had enough time to deal with the extra commitment a dog brings.
Incidentally, my parents house doesn’t smell like dog, so that’s not inevitable, but then my mum has always been verging on the obsessional about keeping the house clean.

I think you should only get it if you are prepared to look after it. Because no matter what the promises your DS is the child and you the adult so responsibility will fall to you. Having said all that, as a first time dog owner whose son begged for one, it hadnt been as hard as I feared
Ddog doesn't shed, loves us all to pieces and enjoys his walks so much that it makes my daily exercise a pleasure.

I was your son as a child. My mother never gave in. I respect now that she didn't want a dog. I got a dog myself at 23 when settled (how young!), now with young children 12 years later, dog sadly passed away, I won't be getting another till kids are older, too much work! You don't have to get one just because your child wants one. I had no idea of the commitment a dog takes as a child, just thought they were cute. He just has to know it's a No, he won't be damaged by it. You will end up looking after the dog and you obviously don't want to! So don't!

Children often want things they cant have. DS would desperately love his favourite cousin to come & live in our house. He would also like to marry his childminders 13 year old daughter (possible one day I suppose, but unlikely). He would also like dog - he is never getting one under my roof.

You are being absolutely reasonable. A dog is a huge cost & commitment, one a child simply cannot make, meaning he requires you to make that commitment. You sensibly see that you dont want to. He will have to bear the disappointment and understand that one of the pleasures of adulthood is greater freedom to do as you wish.

@Watermelontea

I’d never buy a pet for my children, unless I also wanted to look after it. Our last pet rabbit has just died and we’re all very sad about it, and DC3 has asked for a pet for their 4th birthday, they’re m getting a VERY low maintenance fish at best, as I honestly can’t be arsed with any more mess/expense/commitments.

Fish are more a responsibility than you might think. A goldfish, to be properly cared for, needs at least a 20 gallon tank - and another 10 gallons for each extra fish you add.

Some tropicals (eg white cloud mountain minnows) can live comfortably in a smaller tank (not less than 2' though, as they are a shoaling fish and they dart about) but you need at least 6, and really 10-12 is better. Although they are sold as tropical fish they can live in an unheated tank if your ambient room temperature is reasonable, even in winter. (They originate in China and the winters can be very cold). They will actually be easier to keep than goldfish, and probably cheaper (though you'll need more). They're an attractive little fish, too.

Many guppies (not Endlers) can live in cold water too, but need an established tank - if you go for guppies, just get males or you will be inundated with the little beggars!

Dh needs me for love input and life partnership and he requires sex. A dog never gains independence. I think until I'm retired

But in fairness, dogs are usually content just to hump your leg occasionally.

YANBU.

A dog is a long-term expensive commitment. Getting one will only cause angst and stress if you’re not keen on having one or don’t like them in the first place. Your son can get one when he moves out of your home and gets his own place.

My BIL did. His mother wasn’t fussed but his dad hates dogs so they didn’t get one. BIL adopted one after he finished uni and moved overseas.

The last thing you need is to get a dog you don’t really want and then have to find a place for it if your son loses interest or doesn’t take care of it as promised.

I'd point out to your DS how much they cost and that money would be coming from elsewhere in the household budget, such as treat foods your DS likes, money you put aside for things he needs or enjoys or his hobbies. Plus HIS pocket money should go towards HIS pet.

Your son likely won't have seen it from this angle. Once his beloved is revealed to be a stinky, time consuming financial burden, guaranteed the interest will wane. I live in dread of being asked for a dog. They're smelly, dirty, needy nuisances.

YANBU at all OP.

Statistically, 9 out of 10 children lose interest in a new pet within 8 weeks, and it's left to mum or dad (let's face it, usually mum) to pick up the shit (literally).

I am sure your DS absolutely believe that he will love the dog, walk the dog, feed the dog, clean up after the dog, pick up the poo of the dog, look after the dog, honest mum etc etc - but statistically the odds are overwhelmingly against him.

I know of so many families who have got dogs (it seems the done thing around here to acquire a puppy once the kids have gone to school) and literally not one child or teenager (or DH!) has fulfilled any original promise to take serious responsibility for the dog. The mothers are doing 98% of the dog related work. This is fine if you, as the mum, want the dog. If you, the mum, do not want the dog, then the family does not get the dog.

I agree with a PP that your DH needs to step up and say a firm no, too, and not make you the bad guy.

Dogs are gorgeous - but even my friends who adore their dogs and get a huge amount of pleasure from having them as part of their families will readily admit that they are a huge amount of work and that the cons very often outweigh the pros.

Before getting a dog understand that one day this beloved animal will break your heart. If you've never had a dog it's hard to describe the bond that forms throughout their short lives. You cannot compare them to other pets (cats, rabbits, horses) as there is something in the unconditional love they show and their utter reliance on you. It's like nothing else.

You are the person most at home so it is likely to be 'your' dog even if your son and husband get involved with walking and feeding.

My DB fell for the pleading from his 3 DCs for a dog. Their enthusiasm for walking it was short lived and the fov eventually ended up being rehomed.
My (now) DH got a dog for his 13th birthday. He cared for it but at 18 he left home for Uni and the dog remained at home as a burden to his parents.
My own DS wanted a dog. We refused and allowed a guinea pig. It was entirely his responsibility (supervised) to feed and clean out. He even had to arranged cover if we were going away and buy gifts for the pet sitter. After the piggies died he said 'can i have a dog now " - the answer was no. He still loves dogs and dreams of having one but he's an adult now but still not in a position to get one. And guess what- he's coped with that. You don't need to give in just because it's what he wants.

If you decide no, then decide quickly so that he doesn't have false hope for too long. Also be honest about your reasons. It's because you don't want one, not because you judge him to be irresponsible.
Don't set him a never ending task that you want him to fail at.

This. Say no clearly and firmly and don't waver or say "We'll get a dog if...." It's clear that a dog would be a terrible decision EVEN IF your DS proved to be the magical unicorn kid who actually did do all care, walking, feeding and dog-related tasks alone and unprompted (which will not happen in any case), because you have borderline allergies, like to travel, have nobody to leave the dog with and dislike dog smells.

So it's really not fair to play games or even hint that it is a possibility. Say no and make it clear that a dog will not be happening, period.

The number of women I know who got sweet-talked into accepting dogs by DHs and DCs and now do all the bloody work.....!

I like the suggestions upthread that he should join the Cinnamon Trust or a similar organization. I would tell the DS that if he established a good track record of helping out with someone else's dog, I would be open to having said dog come to our place for an occasional couple of days etc. when the owner wants to go on a trip etc.

I didn't read the whole thing.

Don't do it. I did and it was awful. A year later and we had to find her a new home. It was too much for me all alone when I had 3 kids, 2 cats, and a job.

Oh no. Part of childhood is learning to live with the fact that our parents are human beings who are individuals, and individuals have likes and dislikes. You are not required to martyr yourself because he likes dogs. He can find other ways to gratify this itch.

You cannot compare them to other pets (cats, rabbits, horses) as there is something in the unconditional love they show and their utter reliance on you. It's like nothing else.

Says a poster who apparently can't conceive of anyone thinking differently from her, and clearly missed all the posts about dogs being regretted, rehomed etc.

Don't do it!! But you know that already

I am a huge dog lover. Honestly I'm the butt of my family's jokes about how I love my dog more than my DC (sometimes I really do ) but even so I'm often sorry I got him when I did. There's a LOT of extra work involved and if you already have DC to look after it's very annoying having another needy creature to look after/exercise/deal with it's poo etc. Can be expensive too depending on the breed. My dog doesn't shed (I couldn't cope with that in my house) but the other side of that is he requires regular trips to the groomers at 45 quid a pop. Love him but have decided I won't be getting another dog after he's gone.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit. I was worn down by my daughter. We went for an adult dog (well, several months old - was house trained) and I far prefer him to the kids.
I'd never get a puppy tho - way way too much work. Older rescue dog - but where you know the history.

Absolutely emphatically agree with everyone else. You WILL end up responsible for the dog. If you wanted one yourself as well it would be completely different. We have 2. We adore them but they’re hard work and a huge commitment for many years.

We all love dogs in this house but I'm not interested in all the extra work or poop scooping involved, so we got gerbils instead. Guess who's still lumbered with the cleaning of their little toilet, despite all assurances? YADNBU

I don’t know why you’re asking Mumsnet. You already know the answer. It would be a really bad idea.

I’ve just lost my 11 yr old labradour 😰 it’s unbearable! However having a dog in the house is a huge bonus, in spite of walking & pooper scooping. They give nothing but love & loyalty & don’t answer back! Plus much cheaper than an alarm.

My kids can have a dog provided they pick up all the faeces and walk it 7am and 4pm and feed it. I’ll pay for everything and ensure it has somewhere to stay that is safe. Anything else is unfair on the dog and the local community and I have told them they can have a dog under those conditions but if they break them the dog will be rehomed or put to sleep if there are no takers as it’s not fair on either the dog or anyone else. They do know I am someone if their word as respects getting the dog and the rehoming / euthanasia. The offer remains open but funnily enough I’ve not been taken up on it.

Say no. We got one in February after YEARS of my three mithering, they promised to walk her daily, feed her, clean up poop etc. Now if I don't walk her, she doesn't get a walk. I bath her, feed her, take her to the vets (she has allergies so it's costing a small fortune). We have nobody to look after her either so can't even have a day out. PILs looked after her for a day so we vould go to the zoo for DDs birthday, but that was a one off. We took her to Devon this year, which was lovely, but, again, no theme park days, limited to areas of the beach where dogs are allowed etc. DD17 wants to go to Edinburgh for the weekend, but we'd have to pay for dog care. Special allergy food plus flea and worm treatments, injections, insurance etc costs a small fortune. I love her and I wouldn't be without her, but I've never had a dog before and wouldn't have got one at all if the kids weren't teenagers now capable of looking after her. They just don't .

Don't do it.

I say this as someone who loves dogs, has had dogs all my life and currently has 2 mismatched rescues.

Our family has dogs because I am happy to walk, feed, check the health of, and clean up after our dogs.

The buck stops here. It always does and if you are not a doggy person you will all be miserable. You will be nagging at them to do the necessary and they will be resenting you for not just doing it like you do everything else.

I said no to the lizards, the snakes, the fish and every other creature that walks, slides, slithers or swims that they wanted at one point or another because I don't like them. The dogs can stay.. and as a PP said they are often the nicest children I have.

DO NOT DO IT!!!! I did after a massive campaign from DH and have regretted it ever since. We’re lucky enough to have an incredibly sweet dog, but the downsides are HUGE!! The hair, the smell, the poo, the vet bills, the wrecked garden, the hassle whenever you want to go anywhere for more than a few hours, or heaven forbid - stay overnight!!