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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse DS his 'greatest wish'

419 replies

Toomuchstuffwillkillme · 20/09/2020 11:29

DS2 has always been a bit dog obsessed and has recently mounted a concerted campaign to persuade me we should get one.

He will love it to bits, walk it lots, play with it, it will be his best friend, his life will be enriched.

I'm just not convinced. I don't mind other people's dogs, but I'm just not a dog lover. (Surely that's a fairly basic requirement for dog ownership?) I really, really don't want to share my home with one. DH is sitting firmly on the fence on this one, so it's me who is being made to feel like the evil mean parent. DS promises he would feed, walk and love said dog, which is probably true. I have no doubt whatsoever who would end up doing the extra hoovering, floor washing, dog-food-buying, poop scooping etc.
We have several other non-furry lower maintenance pets who are loved, but would all be dead by now if I didn't look after them.
Apparently this would be different if we had a dog, I'd get loads of help looking after it, it would be hardly any work (Yeah right, while you're at school all day & I'm trying to work part time from home.)
And yes our existing pets are non-furry because I have pet hair allergies, though to be fair not usually to dogs.

I loathe going to houses which have dogs and getting covered in dog hair. Even if said houses have people who vacuum daily, they ALWAYS smell of dog. I suppose if it was our dog I'd get used to it.
Picking up dog poo is repellent.
Also, I am the polar opposite of Mrs Hinch. I dislike cleaning at the best of times, keeping the place vaguely straight and cleaning up after the kids is bad enough, the thought of adding a dog frankly terrifies me.
Oh and I like my garden. A lot. I don't want it dug up or pooed on or peed on.

As a family we enjoy travelling and visiting people, in the UK and abroad (2020 has not been a great year Sad). Closest family are over 3 hrs drive away. There is no-one here who would look after a dog for us. Most of the family would not appreciate us bringing a dog when we visit. We will end up either restricted to local dog-friendly holidays or spending a fortune on kennels.

Please help me out here, people who don't have a dog, or even people who do. What can I possibly say to DS to get him to see things from a different perspective. He's convinced that having a dog will make his life better and therefore mine too. I think it will be expensive, stressful, massively restrict my freedom and create a load of mum-work for minimal gain.

YABU - parenting is all about making sacrifices to keep your kids happy, if you can afford it you should suck it up and let DS have what he wants

YANBU - this is a huge lifestyle/financial commitment and if you're not 100% on board you'll end up regretting or resenting it - kids can't always have what they want

OP posts:
VeryQuaintIrene · 20/09/2020 16:12

I was just like your son, but for a cat. My mother was adamant that the answer was no in spite of my pleading. I finally got my first cat when I was 30 and now have 5 of them. My childhood deprivation didn't harm me in any way, so stick to your guns. Dogs are sooo much work and a complete tie when you go away.

bridgetreilly · 20/09/2020 16:13

parenting is all about making sacrifices to keep your kids happy

This is not what parenting is about at all. Parenting is about raising children to become responsible, thoughtful, kind, reliable adults.

Gobbycop · 20/09/2020 16:15

Not sure if it's already been said after 10 pages but you know they don't have to live in the house.

It's a dog.

Ours are both outside, they have fur, shelter and are perfectly happy.

Too many owners treat them like humans.

wigglerose · 20/09/2020 16:17

I agree with PPs who have suggested borrowmydoggy and working in a dog rescue centre, it'll scratch the dog itch without the commitment and damage to your home. Then he can get a dog when he has his own place.

I have a dog. Love her to bits, and she has added a lot to our lives but the downside is our house is dirtier and more worn even though she has never chewed anything.

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 20/09/2020 16:21

We holiday in the UK, we walk, I’m now home all the time.
We got a dog because it would fit into our existing life. I wouldn’t have got one if it meant changing my entire life. YANBU
The only thing I can say is you usually like your own dog.

mummy2oli · 20/09/2020 16:23

You should only get a dog if it’s something the house want as a whole. The dog walking, picking up poo, feeding the dog, grooming the dog will fall to the adults to do. There is also the expense of grooming, vets, insurance, food and holiday boarding when you go away.

Aneley · 20/09/2020 16:25

Join BorrowMyDoggy and tell your DS that he has to do that for 6m-1y and show how responsible he is. Go for family walks with the borrowed dog and see how you both feel in at least 6m from now.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 20/09/2020 16:26

My DD (16) wpuld say you are BVU. She's spent the last 15 odd years trying to persuade me to get a dog. She walks past a dog, says 'oh, he's lovely... we should get a dog.' In fairness, I know she'd take complete care of the dog, walk it everyday, morning and evening, train it carefully, etc. But ultimately, DH and I would still be responsible for it. Sorry, DD, it's just not happening.

randomer · 20/09/2020 16:27

Minimum 10 years of picking up poo once/twice a day? Fleas? Worms?

Ghastly idea.

However we care for a lovely old dog 2 days a week ( on a friendly basis) Everybody happy.

ColleagueFromMars · 20/09/2020 16:30

I have a dog abd am a doggy person. You absolutely should not get a dog.

You'd need to research which breed, how to avoid buying from a puppy farm, and/or rescue an appropriate dog (most teddies have issues), you'd need to be walking out once or twice a day, you'd be the one the dog comes to for company and entertainment while you were trying to work/get on with life, you'd be vacuuming, picking up poo, vomit, wee accidents, taking it to the vets, educating yourself about training then doing the training not to mention going to training classes, dealing with educating everybody else in the house how to train and handle appropriately and dealing with the consequences when somebody's spoiled the dog rotten then the dog is too much and needs retraining. Did I mention walks every day come rain snow or shine?

The dog will be your responsibility, your son will pick and choose the best bits. You don't want a dog and I 100% don't blame you and don't think you should get a dog.

Ask dogs trust what age they take volunteers from. Their volunteers get to play with, walk and train dogs, but they also have to do their fair share of cleaning out kennels.

SE13Mummy · 20/09/2020 16:31

DD2 is 11 and has wanted a dog since forever. We don't have one and won't be getting one any time soon. The compromise is that we sometimes look after friends' dogs at our home when they go away. To be fair to DD, she is brilliant about all the feeding, walking, picking up poo etc. but she knows she'll have to be living in her own place if she wants a dog of her own.

randomer · 20/09/2020 16:35

This is what responsible owners do, not just leave them for hours on their own
Well said

lynsey91 · 20/09/2020 16:37

@Gobbycop some dogs may be happy living outside, many more will not.

My neighbour has a small lapdog type dog and it is outside all day in all weathers. It does have shelter if it is pouring and some shade when it is red hot but I feel so sorry for it.

She puts it indoors when they go out and it is indoors overnight. Personally I really do not see why you would get a dog then not want it indoors with you. Dogs like company. My dogs like to play with me and DH, cuddle up with us on the sofa etc.

gospelsinger · 20/09/2020 16:50

If you decide no, then decide quickly so that he doesn't have false hope for too long. Also be honest about your reasons. It's because you don't want one, not because you judge him to be irresponsible.

Don't set him a never ending task that you want him to fail at.
If you decide yes, then do so with an understanding that you will have the bulk of responsibility for it even if you don't tell DS that.
I've just gone through a similar dilema and decided no. Very happy about that choice.

catherinep80 · 20/09/2020 16:57

It's a hard one. I feel absolutely the same about getting a dog. We grew up with them, and they certainly enriched our lives. But I just can't be doing with looking after one myself, and like you we travel a lot and live hours away from closest family. But when it comes to my DS, I think if he really, really wanted one I'd probably give in. Luckily he doesn't, but I do feel bad that my kids are growing up without dogs around them when me and my siblings benefited greatly from having them in our lives as kids.

SionnachRua · 20/09/2020 17:00

You're absolutely right to say no OP if you don't want the dog - because you would be responsible for it and so many things that go with it. Hopefully when ds is an adult, he'll have many years of dog ownership!

LadyH846 · 20/09/2020 17:02

Greatest wish? That sounds like something someone says when they're dying.

Unless he's dying I would tell him he can get a dog when he's adult and has got a house of his own.

Dogs are both smelly and dirty. I can understand not wanting one in your house.

IZZYROW · 20/09/2020 17:02

Nope!! He can get a dog when he has his own place. He will get over it.

I am never getting a dog!! #1 reason is you walk into anyone's house that owns a dog and it reeks. I don't ever want my house smelling like that. Plus I don't enjoy waking up at 5am to take the dog out. Not interested in walks in the rain/cold. Dog food is disgusting. Dog hair everywhere. Constant vacuuming. Vet bills. There - maybe my reasons can help you stay strong. :)

19lottie82 · 20/09/2020 17:08

We have several other non-furry lower maintenance pets who are loved, but
would all be dead by now if I didn't look after them.

There’s your answer right there.

If he can’t look after a “low maintenance” pet, do you honestly think he will look after a dog?

Just explain to him that it wouldn’t be fair to keep a dog at home with no walks etc the whole time he’s at school. So it wouldn’t be possible for him to look after it by himself.

And then what happens when he’s older and wants to go out partying or on holidays with his friends? Who will look after it then?

PinkBuffalo · 20/09/2020 17:11

Yanbu
I absolutely would love a dog, but recognise I am not in a position to have one as I am out at work all day.
I feel for your boy, cos I would love a dog so much, but we need to recognise it also would not be in the dogs best interests
Any animal Sanctuaries near you where he could do dog walking or something?

Suzi888 · 20/09/2020 17:11

Unless you want a dog, don’t do it. Depending on breed that dog could live for 16 years or more. Said dog will not be a pup forever, he will get sick and old and need care and attention and lots of money.....
I begged for a dog as a child and I mean BEGGED and eventually we got one, then at 18 off I skipped to Uni.
Luckily my parents were fine, they loved the dog.

Fostering is a good way to have a dog without really having a dog! Helping out with RSPCA, dog walking. Maybe a neighbour who has a dog, might let your son walk their dog.
A dog isn’t a “pet” really, it’s like having a baby and everyone is affected my it. They’re great, I love my Lab but when I first had him, I got up at 5am walked him two hours before work, drove home lunchtime for a walk and to take him to my mum’s so he wasn’t on his own longer than four hours and then another hour or so exercise after work. Not to mention the chewing, pooing, peeing, whining etc! Or his £5,000 leg operation... Hmm massive commitment!

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/09/2020 17:14

Don't do it!!! I am not a pet person and let my DP convince me to get a cat. It's a bloody hairy nuisance and I can't believe I'm stuck with it for at least another decade 😭

It's not fair on me and it's not fair on the cat. But there it is. I'm not cruel to him, but I know he deserves to be really loved, not tolerated.

Your son can have a dog when he's got his own place. And it will indeed smell of dog 😆

In the meantime tell him to advertise his services as s dog walker/ pet sitter. He can feed his dog need and turn s few Bob at the same time. Just get him to brush his clothes when he comes in!

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/09/2020 17:15

What he needs is a really good career he can do at home. Ndn have a dog and a dog walker because they both work full time so doggo must be bored as fuck.

InFiveMins · 20/09/2020 17:17

Don't do it OP. It is blindingly obvious you will regret it! Stick to your guns on this one.

bucketofcoffee · 20/09/2020 17:21

As a family, we all wanted a dog, we discussed for months, did Borrowmydoggy, went to dog cafes etc. Kids promised to walk it, look after it, feed it, love it...

We got DDog, he is well loved and part of the family. Except...I walk him twice a day, I feed him, I play with him, I let him out, I pick up his poo in the garden etc. I love having him as he's opened up my social world. Kids love him, but do very little with him. DH will walk him if I ask, but he doesn't take the initiative to take him out. I have insisted on a weekly family walk and that's good, but all the promises we had during discussion have failed.

DDog has become my third child!