To think they are my sibling? (DNA results)

[PeanutButterFalcon]

Hello,

I have done an heritage DNA test and have been linked to someone with a 100% chance they are a close relative (niece/nephew, grandparent, grand child, half sibling).

I have looked at my family trees and there is no link that I can see to their family. If I go back further, I would imagine, our DNA wouldn't be such a strong match. Over 25% of our DNA matches and we have the longest segment length of over 150. Although I'm not sure what the segment length means.

I cannot but help think one of my parents have had an affair and they are a sibling. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. Are these tests reliable? How would we even go about working out if we are? I cannot ask my parents if they have and I do not think they would be honest with me anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

People who do DNA tests have to expect something like this so the OP is not been selfish. The DNA test I did resulted in my mum having a brother she knew nothing about. He was illegitimate. Y grandfather r died so we will never know whether he knew about the child or not.

The other person whom you match OP is obviously interested and will be aware that it can potentially open a can of worms . Personally I would be in contact and say wonder how we match?

@MyBedIsMyDesk thank you for sharing your experience. Did your mum give you this information or have you figured it out?
I can definitely understand the thought of having two Dads. Whatever happens my Dad is my Dad.

I am constantly trying to think of other ways we could be related. I don't know how open the other person maybe to the thought of sharing a parent and I'm guessing there are other possible reasons we may be related and by chance we have inherited similar DNA. I'm wondering if our parents may unknowingly be siblings.

I'm going to sleep on it and contact the other person. @Rayn I may use that as it's not too direct thank you.

Half sibling is the most likely scenario. I discovered a family secret too, an illegitimate child, but the people concerned are all dead now so that makes it easier. Do you think it possible that your Dad had two families ?

No my half sibling does not know.

I linked on ancestry to people I had no idea who they were and didn't get any hits relating to my dad.

I questioned my mother about some of the names that came up and she then told me.

Hi OP,

I think you're going to find that they're a half sibling. There's no way that you'd share that much DNA with a 1st cousin (i.e. the idea that one of your parents was an unknown sibling to one of their parents.)

You would get that degree of a match if they're your aunt/uncle though. My husband has only recently found his dad (via Ancestry DNA) and his bio father has other children that are closer in age to our dcs than they are to DH, so our kids' aunt (DH's half sister) looks more like she should be their sister than his. Is that sort of thing a possibility...?

I also think op thr only reasonable explanation is you share a parent. And as your mum couldn’t have been pregnant, and your link to folks on your mothers side. It’s clearly not your mum,

So you share a dad.

Hi OP. I did an Ancestry DNA test and found out my father was someone else. In my case my biological father had done a test already, so when I got my results I had a Nan’s name linked to me with ‘100% my parent or my child” so was unmistakable. In my case it’s ultimately been positive, he was an colleague and friend of my mums, she wasn’t even sure they’d had full sex (drunken night) and as she was married she put it out of her mind as she felt guilty, and when she found she was pregnant reasonably assumed it was her husband who she was having regular sex with - my mum and I are close and this hasn’t damaged our relationship at all. I know my mum and how her brain works and I don’t feel anything was deliberately kept from me. As soon as this came out she was completely honest which helped.

My dad who raised me was passed at the point this came out, but we hadn’t had the best relationship. When I reached out to bio father (by slightly frantic Facebook message) he was glad to be in touch and admitted he’d wondered if I was his but hadn’t wanted to rock the boat, and there were no DNA tests in the 80s. We’ve built a really good relationship and most of my friends and family know about him, though its not completely public. I’m much more like my bio dad than I ever was the dad I grew up with, and it’s actually answered a lot more questions that it’s created. He has a good relationship with my mum, and his wife and children (my half siblings) are all great. Though of course it was the shock of my life at the time, I’d never had cause to suspect anything. I’m in a Facebook group for people this has happened too and my version of this story is definitely the best one.

Just to say really - shocking things can come out of this, but there can be positives with that. From the CMs you’ve given a half sibling seems likely and there’s multiple ways that could have come about, but you’ve sat on it for a while now and you’ll just drive yourself nuts if you don’t reach out and see. Just be prepared that there’s many ways this can go and it may take a lot from you as you pursue this. Good luck, and please reach out by DM if you’d like to chat privately

Just an idea, we discovered my maternal grandfather had an affair and the resulting child was adopted after he passed away. Until the 60's adoption was common in such circumstances

Just to add - my mum bought me the DNA test for my birthday as I was doing some family tree stuff and was interested. She definitely didn’t know there was anything to come out!

I think it's far far more likely that your (known) dad is the link rather than this other persons. It sounds like you are distances apart and it's far more likely your dad was in the position to either be somewhere he wasn't expected to be or that the unknown person had a reason to be where your dad was than that another man was travelling a distance to see your mum while she cared for all of you dc wile your df was away. I also agree as who looks like your sister has uploaded to the site then it's not like she wants any potential family secrets hidden. Testing one sister might not be conclusive either. If your df was away regularly he could be your dad but not hers for example. It's quite the rabbit hole when you think about it!

I also think you should go carefully here op. For the other woman’s sake. Because if your dad is her dad, she might not know. And quite frankly maybe even her mother doesn’t either for sure, and put it out her mind, like the pp.

It’s still your mother refusing to look at her though, that i can’t get past, it’s not a normal reaction, which indicates she does know. As said, I’d show the woman’s image to your mum again and see if she still refuses to look and gauge her reaction.

Families are funny. My great aunt had a child very young (and out of wedlock I think) and he was raised as my great grandparents child and no one outside the family would really have known.

Could this person have been adopted if your mum had them very young or does the age not fit?

@Sexnotgender OP has said this person is younger than them

She’s also said as her brother is only a few months older she can’t be her mothers. It doesn’t take long and is really easy to read the ops posts.

Ah, thanks @BuffaloCauliflower I missed that.

@Bluntness100

She’s also said as her brother is only a few months older she can’t be her mothers. It doesn’t take long and is really easy to read the ops posts.

I did, please accept my humblest apologies that I missed it.

I don't know if my dad would of had two families but I would assume it was unlikely we were the secret one as we were well known to all his family and would often spend weeks at a time visiting them.

@Willitjuststop thank you. It's hard to know how the other person will handle this and how they are feeling. If my mum opened up to me this would stop that.

I don't think they could be an aunt/uncle. My mums parents were never apart from each other and too old to have a child of her age. My Dads parents were not alive when she was conceived. There's always the chance I could be their aunt which just wouldn't make sense as we're quite a distance apart and I do not think my Mum would take in another child when my brother was so unwell.

I agree it's likely we did share a dad. I also wondered if maybe my Dad (possible not the person I thought it was) is somehow related to their parents and I've inherited more of their DNA.

Thank you @BuffaloCauliflower for the positive story. I think for me it might explain some things however I'm aware for them it may rip things apart, which I don't want to do.

@midnightstar66 I am currently agreeing with you. They also look a lot like my siblings, which would explain this. Although, it could be a case of my Mum bumped into their Dad by chance somehow.

Definitely couldn't be my Mums child and it would appear I definitely couldn't be her Mums unless she had twins maybe. But I can't explain how I would end up here.

I'm aware me and my sister may have different Dads anyway and it might not help things. She's a lot younger than me however and the chance of her being conceived by the same man (if I'm from an affair) is lower. Also, my Dad was unwell at this point and had stopped travelling for 'work' so much so it's more likely that she was my Dads child. Additionally, we look identical.

Seems more likely your Dad is her Dad. And you’re right, it could open a can of worms for them too. These things are always a minefield. I think starting by getting your sister a test is a good move. That at least gives you one extra level of knowledge.

Oh wow OP, you must have so many thoughts going through your head.

I'd love to do a DNA test but I'm scared of the results and the can of worms it would open. I know my dad left when I was small and when I got in touch with him my mum was horrible to me (that's for another thread!), I haven't the energy to investigate anything else.

I wish you well

The can of worms is already open and since it isn't possible to know what he other person knows or wants to know - OP can only do what feels right for herself.

Just need to be prepared for all eventualities. They could ignore you - this sadly happened to my friend. They could have issues which are difficult to deal with - another friend of mine discovered a half sibling but they had substance misuse issues and relationship has broken down. On the other hand it could all be lovely.

Quick update- I've messaged them today. Waiting for a reply. I've decided not to mention that I think we may be siblings and go from there

@PeanutButterFalcon

Quick update- I've messaged them today. Waiting for a reply. I've decided not to mention that I think we may be siblings and go from there

I hope all goes well.

I messaged my closest dna relative before I found out the truth so may have planted a seed in the mind over that side of the family.

However there is nothing to gain but heartbreak for my dad if this was to all come out. So I'm keeping quiet.

@Willitjuststop Thank you. The last think I was to cause is any heartbreak.

@Besom thank you. If the choose not to look into it I will respect that.

@espressoontap I think I was naive going into it and just thought I'd find more about where my family are from. I was disappointed when I got the results and it was no where exotic! It's definitely a lot more than what you anticipate it to be.

@BuffaloCauliflower it would be interesting to find out if my sister is a full relation or not. She's prepared for the results already.

I've had a response! Seems we are similar in wanting to know although they haven't mentioned being siblings and I'm not going to bring it up. They too have been looking in to their family tree to see if they could have any unknown connections with us.

Last thing*