To think they are my sibling? (DNA results)

[PeanutButterFalcon]

Hello,

I have done an heritage DNA test and have been linked to someone with a 100% chance they are a close relative (niece/nephew, grandparent, grand child, half sibling).

I have looked at my family trees and there is no link that I can see to their family. If I go back further, I would imagine, our DNA wouldn't be such a strong match. Over 25% of our DNA matches and we have the longest segment length of over 150. Although I'm not sure what the segment length means.

I cannot but help think one of my parents have had an affair and they are a sibling. I have so many questions and thoughts in my head. Are these tests reliable? How would we even go about working out if we are? I cannot ask my parents if they have and I do not think they would be honest with me anyway.

What would you do in this situation?

@12309845653ghydrvj I've found their age and their other sibling. Also found quite a lot about them from a google search. Turns out they're quite well known back when we were conceived and looks like they had plenty of opportunity to travel. They live quite far from us and appear to always have and I cannot see any reason for either parents to cross paths unless it was all coincidental. I cannot understand why my dad would have gone there instead of where he said he was and I don't see why they would come here. Unless things weren't as rosey as they seemed but without asking them I wouldn't know.

@Inkpaperstars I think we can see each other. I want to get my head together before messaging them. They hadn't split but my dad would 'work away' a lot - before I took that as literal now I wonder what else he was up to and it was probably said to protect us.

@GrimDamnFanjo were you glad you found it all out? I can't help but to start looking a bit further and further in to it. I'm still not sure if I want to know or not.

@eaglejulesk @MrsTerryPratchett there's always a possibility our fathers didn't know (depending on who's it is). It only takes the one time they could of just met on a night out or something. It wouldn't change my relationship or feelings about my dad I know he wasn't perfect. At the same time if it's my mum who had the affair I'm not sure how I'd feel because she's not lying to me when she knows I'm looking in to it. I'd rather she was honest about it. It's not something I can forget now I know.

@Monday55 i thought about this - I would have to ask if they were adopted but my mum couldn't of been pregnant as my brother is a few months younger. We have copies of quite a few relatives birth certificates which would be adoptive ones if they were and know who's been adopted in to the family (distant relatives). I don't know about their side I would have to add it to things we need to ask when I talk to them.

@YoBeaches my dad would often leave and come back. I got told it was for work but now I wonder if something else was going on. I know he went for a longer period of time when I was 2 but apparently everyone knew where he was, which couldn't be any further from this family. Mum refused to look at her when I showed her so that's what made me think this isn't innocent. I haven't told her how close we are just that they've said she's a relative.

@WiserOlder definitely sitting on it but I agree I can't ignore it. I could have another sister!

@RightYesButNo thank you. And thank you for the article. I think I just need some time to digest it all and then go from there.

I know my aunts and uncles. Plus for my grandparents to have had them one set wouldn't of been alive and the other about 70 so I don't think it's possible.

I don't want to go upsetting their family so if they didn't want to find out I would obviously respect that. Although looking at pictures we look quite alike! I might ask my sister to do a test too to see how we are.

I looked up the reliability of the tests too. Apparently the heritage side can be wrong but they DNA matches the stronger they are the more likely its correct. We have some segments of DNA that are identical apparently.

@LUZON me too! It wouldn't change our family at all. We have half siblings and step siblings already so I know another would be welcomed in to our family. I just don't know their family dynamics and don't want to damage it

@PeanutButterFalcon everyone closely involved has died so There's no real emotional fallout. My Dad is more bemused than anything else.
I'm secretly thrilled as I'd been wondering why all these people were connected to me for several years.
Sadly I think it's unlikely I'll discover my biological GGrandfathers name as the family was quite large and there are several candidates. Some I've been able to discount as their descendants have tested. The generation above however is proven with several descendants connecting to me via Their dna.

Another musing. What if your mum or dad had an identical twin who was given away at birth or something like that? Although I agree it’s more likely to be something to do with someone in your fathers generation ( ie your mother or father having an affair).

Oh how exciting OP! I never knew my dad and found out about my half sister and in turn my dad when I was 18. I have another full sister and was on the bus staring at this girl who looked just like my sister. Started researching and found out the girl on the bus was my half sister and we lived in the same town. Her mum suffered with her mental health so our dad had my half sister full time and raised the mums other kids aswell. Pity he forgot about me and my sister but hey ho!

Are you thinking of asking your dm outright?

Don't forget about the possibility of someone having been a sperm donor. I don't know when sperm banking as such started in different countries, but where I'm from my mother's obstetrician was involved in fertility research by at least 1970, possibly earlier, and this included donor insemination in the early 70s. At the time his promise to all involved was no records.

A few years back I was contacted by someone who'd tracked me down via an aunt who'd done a DNA test (they'd also seen that my father had died). Awkward since my father was long estranged from his family. I haven't followed through as yet for complicated reasons though it is intriguing to know I have at least 4 half-siblings I could meet one day.

You are coming across very selfish OP. It is all about what you want to know. This other person could be fully aware of their history or you may opening a whole can of worms that cannot be changed. This is more than just you and your wants. I get that your excited that you may have another sibling but you need to think about the relationships that you could be damaging by going after this

It's worth making sure you are a full sibling to the ones you grew up with. There could have been fertility treatment in your family, as well as in theirs.

And what ages are you? Some scenarios are unlikely depending on ages.

I don't think I'd want to know. A few years ago,I definitely would have- but there have been a couple of earth shaking family secrets come out since then and these days I would not want to poke the nest any further. What's done is done. I see nothing but pain coming from continuing to dig.

@Womencanlift

You are coming across very selfish OP. It is all about what you want to know. This other person could be fully aware of their history or you may opening a whole can of worms that cannot be changed. This is more than just you and your wants. I get that your excited that you may have another sibling but you need to think about the relationships that you could be damaging by going after this

That’s a really unfair comment to make. I can’t see the OP is being selfish and she seems well aware of risks involved and has said it’s something she will sit on.

Goodness. I think I would have to attempt to talk to the other person and see if they knew more. I realise not everyone would feel that why, but I couldn’t let this go.

Perhaps you were fathered by their father, rather than them being fathered by yours?
Could that be why your father left soon after your birth? So what I’m saying is perhaps it was your mother that had an affair?

@Womencanlift

You are coming across very selfish OP. It is all about what you want to know. This other person could be fully aware of their history or you may opening a whole can of worms that cannot be changed. This is more than just you and your wants. I get that your excited that you may have another sibling but you need to think about the relationships that you could be damaging by going after this

Then they wouldn't have joined ancestry, would they?

I don't think she's coming across as selfish. The other person must've put their dna on the site too so that a match could be had, surely? So it won't be a total shock I'm sure

Have you looked at your shared matches with this person? If you recognize any of them, it’s a way of determining whether your mystery match is on the maternal or parental side.

There are some good support groups for DNA results on Facebook (and this type of discovery isn’t uncommon), just obscure any names if you post screenshots.

I would love to do a DNA test for family history purposes but this is why I haven't done it.
I love my dad to pieces and as far as I can know he's never been unfaithful to my mum. But he did have a life and presumably other relationships before he met her age 25 - and it's more than possible that he had holiday romances and there always a chance that he could have fathered another child fifty or more years ago. Or even a one night stand on a business trip more recently.
I wouldn't want to know - and neither would he. So I'm not going to do it.

I know how much my children have valued the relationship they have with their half brother, whom they found out about as adults (My ex husbands son by the girl he went out with before me), so I'd say go for it!

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a woman one day. She said "I always get a shock when I see that man over there. He's my cousin, and he looks identical to my late dad". I said it's funny how these family resemblances come out in different generations" and she laughed and said "Yes, the problem is, he's not on my dad's side, he's the son of my Mum's sister" .

I wouldn’t approach this person straight away but rather pause and think about possible consequences. There is a chance that the other family and this person know nothing so it might be very tricky and upsetting.

I'm on the other side of this post, as someone adopted who has deliberately done a DNA test to kind of potentially get in touch with other family members. I have discovered who my birth family are now but I'm not in touch with them. Other than my birth mum, no-one else in that family (or my birth father's family) know I exist. So far the closest connection on the genealogy website has been a couple of 3rd cousins.

I also did the DNA test because it was a gift and I wanted to know where my family came from ancestrally.

My DNA results came back last week and there are some shocks but nothing like this. I’d definitely look further into this OP!

At the age of 84, my "only child" mother found her 76 year old half brother through a centimorgan match. It has brought them both great joy and answered a lot of questions!

My closest match on my DNA is 1651cm across 60 segments - he's my paternal uncle We've used it to solve a family mystery where my great-grandfather came south from Liverpool, and appears to have taken a new surname along the way.